Wednesday, December 29, 2004

In Defense of Kobe Bryant

Court T.V Anchor: Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, we are outside the courtroom of public opinion where the HumanityCritic will defend the public perception of Kobe Bryant. This won't be like his victorious freestyle battle against Bush months ago, because experts say that the HumanityCritic has a uphill battle, being that the world has seemed to turned against the one time media darling. Plus, the HumanityCritic accidentally erased his blog the other day, so he hasn't really been in top form lately. (clutching earpiece) I'm getting word that the court session is beginning. Lets watch the proceedings take place.

(Inside the Courtroom)

Judge:(banging gavel) Order in the court! Order in the court! Public opinion Vs. Kobe Bryant. Can we hear opening arguments. Prosecution?

Prosecution: Thank you your honor. Ladies and Gentleman, you will see today how one man singlehandedly brought down a dynasty. From rape allegations, selfish play, the alienation of teammates, running his mouth to police, and being responsible for getting rid of a Hall of Fame coach and arguably the Best center to ever play the game. His public "fall from grace", as I will prove today, is entirely his fault. Thank you.

Judge: Defense?

HumanityCritic: Ladies and Gentlemen, I will systematically poke holes in many of the flimsy claims from the prosecution today. I admit, that many of Mr. Bryants problems are ones that were brought upon himself, but there is blame to be shared by all here. I believe that Kobe Bryant has been the fall guy for a guy that couldn't back away from the buffet table when he was in L.A, and a coach who really didn't want him around in the first place, and a media that is irresponsible and treats black men like life-long criminals. Thank you.

Judge: Prosecution call your first witness

Prosecution: Thank you your honor. The prosecution calls Phil Jackson(Jackson is sworn in) Mr Jackson, can you briefly tell me some of the problems you had with Kobe?

Jackson: Sometimes he would undermine my authority and we were engaged in a kind of intellectual warfare. Coaching him became a nightmare.

Prosecution: So Kobe would openly question your authority?

Jackson: Yes, plus he never wanted to run the triangle offense in the first place. He handled the ball too much, and I know for a fact that he was responsible for me being let go.

Prosecution: Thank you.

(HumanityCritic begins to question Jackson)

HumanityCritic: Mr. Jackson, you have mentioned today and in previous statements that Kobe questioned authority, shot the ball too much, and pretty much set his own rules. Is that correct?

Jackson: Yes, that's correct.

HumanityCritic: But by reading various accounts of many of your ex-players from the Bulls days, it seems that another player that you coached behaved in the same exact way. I guess Kobe's actions were unacceptable because his name wasn't MICHAEL JORDAN!!

Prosecution: I object! He's badgering my witness

HumanityCritic:(in best Nino Brown Voice): Sit your 5 dollar ass down before I make change!! . .

Judge: I'll allow it

Jackson: Okay, I did show preferential treatment to Jordan but..

HumanityCritic: But what?? Why is it different now?? How about Dennis Rodman!!??

Jackson: Well, that is irrelevant. Kobe is responsible for having me let go!

HumanityCritic: Good, I'm glad you brought that up. I have been reading articles dating back 5 years ago, and talked to many people who know the interworkings of the Lakers, and I have learned that you tried to have Kobe traded many times. Is that true??

Jackson: Well, yeah. But only because he wasn't my type of player and I thought we could get a lot for him.

HC: The mere perception that Kobe got anyone "let go" is silly because Kobe doesn't own a team, but lets just say he was influential in getting you canned. Did you really think he would have your back after you tried to have the man traded time and time again?? This is how I feel that conversation went between Kobe and the Lakers owner Jerry Buss..(HumanityCritic re-enacts conversation)

<<Buss: Hey Kobe, since you are a perenial all-star, first team all-NBAer, franchise player that's not even in his prime yet, I think we might want to resign you.
Kobe: OK, but can you do me one favor first?
Buss: Name it.

Kobe: Can you get rid of the guy who has been trying to trade me for the past five years?
Buss: You mean the guy who couldn't win a championship last year with an All-Star team?
Kobe: Uh-huh.
Buss: Gee Kobe, that's a tall order can I think about that?
Kobe: Sure. (two seconds later)
Buss: OK, Phil is gone.
Kobe: Thanks.>>

HC: Do you blame the guy??

Jackson: I guess you have a point

HC: Get your zen master ass off the stand!

Judge: Next up, Shaquille O'Neal

(Shaq is sworn in)

Prosecution: Shaq, because this blog is getting way too long can you briefly express your frustrations towards Mr. Bryant.

Shaq: Kobe and I were never friends and he alienated teammates. He didn't understand that I was the man in L.A.. He ran Phil out, ran me out, distracting the team because of all his "legal trouble", then when he got arrested he blabbed to the cops and said that I cheated on my wife!! The media hates this guy now and I'm loving it, plus I am in a better situation in Miami.

(HumanityCritic approaches the stand)

HC: Shaq, isn't it true that you left when you found out that Phil wasn't coming back

Shaq: Thats right

HC: But you just said that Kobe ran you out, which one is it motherfucker??!!

Shaq:He inadvertently ran me out?

HC: Huh?? Anyway, you claim that Kobe wasn't a team player, but couldn't you say that you weren't a team player either? Coming to camp out of shape, taking your time to have surgery, and ballooning to weights that would qualify you to be the fourth member of the Fat boys.. Come on Mr. O'Neal!!

Shaq: Ok, I love cake, what can I say? But I'm in shape now and I try my best not to even talk about Kobe. I have Class!

HC: I have heard you say this before, that you have "class". But class is something that you can't really assign to yourself, it is as foolish as calling yourself "sexy". You claim that you don't talk about Kobe but every interview you do is about Kobe. When you don't talk about Kobe you are taking subliminal shots, like when you say, "The teammates I have now share the ball, and they are REALLY team players." What kind of crap is that?? If you are going to talk about someone don't be a pussy, call them out. You haven't shown any class Mr. O'Neal. I didn't see any class when you refused to meet Kobe and the other team captains in the center of the court, which is customary before each game. Just because you have a fucking grudge!

Shaq: What a minute!! How dare you talk to me like that? For one thing, Kobe's image is damaged because he cheated on his wife! Don't you think his image is damaged forever?

HC: It didn't seem to hurt Bill Cosby, Michael Jordan, and Bill Clinton that much..

Shaq: Wow, good examples! Ok, but what about him blabbing to the cops about me?

HC: I agree, that was a bitch move. But it is public knowledge that Kobe isn't street smart. Writers go on and on about how Kobe isn't "from the streets". I feel that the media is making too much of this because the man was being accused of rape for Christs sake!! I might get a little chatty myself if some cops in colorado accused me of raping a white woman..

Shaq: Whatever, I'm out of here. You are lucky I don't whip your ass HumanityCritic

HC: You won't do shit, especially since this is my blog and in this motherfucker I will beat your ass. Can I give you advice? Put the mic down you wack non-rapping son of a bitch! By the way, Kazzam sucked ass!

Judge: Closing Statements?

Prosecution: I think the evidence speaks for itself. Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, Kobe has proven to not only be a selfish player, but a backstabber. He is the reason for Shaq leaving, Phil leaving, and his public image taking a hit is well deserved. Don't have any pity on this accused rapist and serial ballhog. Thank you.

HC: Ladies and Gentlemen, what have we learned today? We have learned that a former teammate of Kobe is saying that he isn't a team player, when he himself couldn't stay in shape and always came to training camp overweight. We have learned from a ex-coach of Kobe that he had him canned, but we also learned that that same coach had tried to have Kobe traded time and time again. It is my assesment, that Kobe didn't owe these men any type of loyalty at all. The media is acting like Kobe Bryant is a bad person, who eats babies in his spare time. Give me a fucking break..

Judge: Jury, it is on you? Has the HumanityCritic made a legitimate defense or is he full of shit like always. Through your comments from the blogisphere, we will get a verdict in this case. Don't worry, you won't hurt HC's feelings, just tell it like it is.. Let the comments begin!

9 comments:

Kenya said...

Okay, you may have made a few good points there. HOWEVER, I believe someone (and not really meaning Shaq) can call themselves classy as well as sexy cause damnit, I'm sexy as hell.

deborah said...

The Kobe thing is lost on me... maybe cause I'm Australian. BUT... this point " HC: It didn't seem to hurt Bill Cosby, Michael Jordan, and Bill Clinton that much.."

Why is it that men can be running around any old bush and not get pulled up for it. Ok Clinton got abit of a badgering as did the political party he was playing for ... but honestly. Even I still have respect for the man. And Bill Cosby! - thats news to me.

Now if it was a woman... you know what she would be called.

As for the Vox Pop vs. Kobe ... I never liked Shaq. And Kazamm sucked shite! So HC gets my vote.

Sincere Verbage said...

Lets say first of all I was never a Lakers Fan so my feelings on Kobe or Shaq are slim to none. With that being said I can only speak on the eloquent way you brought your view point across. I agree, Kobe has not been painted in a quintessential light by his former teammate or coach. However, I feel that there is some validity to why Phil & Shaq feel the way they do. So the meat of this SAGA doesn't surprise me, what irritates the crap out of me is the media and how they thrive on things like this and how the public eye "gives a dam" which further leads to a media frenzy. Phil and Shaq, stop crying...Kobe, stop giving reasons to cry and to quote another sport....."PLAY BALL!"

Jdid said...

good defense. I'm not blaming him for shaq and phil's exit but Kobe is still a punk.

Will said...

NOT GUILTY, Your Honor.

8ZERO8 said...

Sorry, but I must respectfully submit that Kobe's guilty. He sold Shaq out to the cops. Seeing him now on ESPN, his agent has put him in full-on damage-control mode. Shaq wouldn't come back because Phil wasn't coming back because Kobe didn't want Phil around any more. If one of the greatest coaches of all time says a player's uncoachable(that player being Kobe) then I'd take his word for it.

Any team with Shaq is a threat to win a championship. The same, obviously, can't be said for Kobe. If Kobe was a team player, he would never have allowed this to happen -- and he could have stopped it.

Me said...

(A little late, but...)

Um, I'm sorry ... Dr. Huxtable cheated on Camille? What? Say it ain't so!

Anonymous said...

Actually, it was Jerry Buss who broke up the team. He was too stupid to let go of Phil Jackson....

Antwonomous said...

This case is dismissed! They all share some of the blame. Let's just move on. And go Lakers!