Sunday, September 19, 2004

10 Simple Rules for dating this 31 year old blogger

Dating can be a tricky and Frustrating ordeal. Dealing with Lies, deception, and personality conflicts can be a huge mountain that even the most eager dating participant won't want to deal with. My dating history, looking back, has been chaotic. Half of the time it has been their fault, half of the time it has been entirely my fault. It doesn't help that I, the man writing this today, can indeed be a complete asshole. I just turned 31 and I realized that there are just some things that I won't deal with. Here is a list of some traits that I wish my future wife has.

1. Have a working foundation is pop Culture(I am a big movie fan and a lover of all types of Music. Nothing is more irritating than hearing someone say, "I don't watch T.V". or "I don't watch movies" WHAT!! Exit Stage left)

2. Realize that silence is a good thing.(The is nothing worse than dating someone that blabs constanly. I love communication and it is important in a relationship. But we all know people who feel that they have to say something if too much time passes in silence. Don't take this the wrong way, but shut the fuck up!)

3. Don't let your friends run your life..(I was once in a relationship where the woman said, "But my friends think you're cheating on me". Huh? F*ck your triffling friends. Those "hating harlots" haven't had a man since the invention of the Hula-hoop, they aren't exactly credible in the "advice depatment". Listen, I respect my friends' advice, but if one of my felon friends tries to lecture me on the rising crime rate I will lose focus like George Bush in a spelling Bee..)

4. Must love Real Hip Hop(This is very important. Now, I would prefer a woman that didn't like Hip Hop at all as opposed to one that like utter bullshit. If a woman likes Nelly, the Ying Yang Twins, Lil John, or anything like that, it is a definite deal breaker. Some of you may say that is harsh. But I look at it as crime prevention because too much time listening to bad hip hop might make a brother violent.)

5. Don't be stingy with the "Nappy Dugout"(This looks bad, I know. Sex should never be expected. But after a considerable amount of time, when the trust is there and all the monogomy issues are established, lets hump like rabbits, shall we?

6. Understand that your male friends will not be trusted until further notice(Some would consider this a immature act of jealousy, but I think it works on all levels. I have female friends, who are ACTUALLY my friends, but platonic relationships between a man and a women are RARE. So if the woman I am dating has a friend, I won't be an ass to him, but I will hardly extend the proverbial olive branch either. This keeps him on his toes and makes him second guess his motives if they are indeed suspect"

7. PLEASE DON'T BE A RELIGIOUS FANATIC(I believe in god, and I even pray, but dating someone that is a religious nutbag is kind of scary. I once date a girl that hated when I cursed, spent a ungodly amount of time at chuch during the week, preached to me constantly, and outlined the reasons why i would spent a eternity in Hell. Not my idea of fun.)

8.Have a working knowledge about Current events and politics(You don't have to work for CNN or anything, just be able to carry on a 12th grade level conversation about politics and Current events. I once dated a girl who didn't know who the Vice President was. Whoah..)

9. Actually BE SINGLE when we start Dating.(Nothing is worse than dating someone and they say, "I broke up with my ex-boyfriend but he still thinks we are still an item, and occasionally I see him drive by my house". What??!! Listen, the last thing I want to get involved in is a heartbroken ex-boyfriend, who probably camps out in your bushes wearing a Ninja outfit..

10. When Dining Out, Don't be rude to the Wait Staff!(This is more of a pet peeve than anything. BUT, nothing is more irritating than a person that is rude to the waitress/waiter. I remember one time I was out on a date, and the person I was with gave the waitress major attitude and treated the young lady like she was inferior. It was so bad I had to find that young lady, slip her a 20, and told her that I ordered the steak and make she she didn't spit in that one..)


miss smith said...

"5. Don't be stingy with the "Nappy Dugout"(This looks bad, I know. Sex should never be expected. But after a considerable amount of time, when the trust is there and all the monogomy issues are established, lets hump like rabbits, shall we?"

I am sad that due to personal reasons this does apply to me and I cannot date you. I am sad because I think that I have fallen in love with your mind Humanity Critic. And despite this fact -- spurred by my convictions -- that we can never be lovers I hope we continue to be each other's blog enthusiasts and you continue to "pass through" my blog as I will continue to pass through yours. Peace brotha.

notyouraverage.... said...

6. Understand that your male friends will not be trusted until further notice - i was warned about that, by my 'ex'.8.Have a working knowledge about Current events and politics - and i gotta work on this!9. Actually BE SINGLE when we start Dating. - that's usually something i've experienced from guys

Anonymous said...

I am cool on Pop culture,
I like some hip Hop (Missing De La Soul something horrible)
I don't surround myself with hatin harlots,
Sex is Divine Sport
I have few male friends, fewer female.
Fuck Politics. Shit aint been decent since Clinton.
I am Single as they come,
and If a waiter/tress is doing thier job, there is no reason to treat them wrongly.

I love silence. It is a chance to amplify body language.

SO there!

Only thing standing between US is ... Uh... Like 3000 miles. *Giggle*

All jokes aside...
I was trying to watch Lion King and read your column (multitasking) and I must say you are hilarious. You linked me from BlackPlanet (Bcuzisaidso). Keep writing...
I just might come back.


Coffey0072 said...

I am just digging through some of your archives and just happened upon this one.
check and

Let's make love immediately! hahahaha

**FIRE** said...

I suppose then, it's safe to say:


diva said...

I am soooo gonna marry you! ha ha

jameil1922 said...

my least favorite thing for anyone to say: i don't watch the news.

go that way. for real. not only do i work at the news, but there is too much shit the republicans are trying to do, and the democrats, too for that matter, for you to be uninformed. these people are deciding now that you will have no money when you retire unless you save it all yourself. you grandmother? oh yeah we really don't care that she can't afford her medicine. not my problem.

silence is key. my best roommate was my fave b/c she knew not to talk in the morning. i need to train my future husband to not speak when waking up. a kiss might even be overboard. the talking is definitely annoying.

i really try not to be rude when my single friends give me advice. but damn if i don't want to say, "why would i listen to you? when was the last time you had a HEALTHY, functional relationship? have you ever? b/c i don't remember one."