Monday, May 21, 2007

The only thing that has kept me from interracial dating, white women..

I love my mother, she's the only person in the world that I would sacrifice my life for - a woman that I love with every inch of my heart to the point that if she was every harmed, I'd make sure that I wiped any evidence that the culprit ever existed as if I somehow altered the space-time continuum.(for my "Back to the Future" peeps) I guess it has something to do with her universal kindness, generosity - we all know a person so pure of heart, that you automatically know that the people who don't like them are the mentally unstable ones of the "smearing their own feces against the wall" variety. She has a love and respect for all people, judging people on the content of their character and not the color of their skin, a woman that doesn't have a hateful bone in her body - even though I get the sneaking suspicion that she would rather me do porn than marry a white girl. It's weird, my sister married a white man, a dude that my mother effortlessly embraced because he is flat out a good man(Despite his hero being Dick Cheney) - his lack of melanin, good credit, and his nauseating love for right wing radio was never a factor when it came to her welcoming him into the family with open arms. But when it comes to me walking down the isle with a woman who has never had the luxury of being asked "Why can't I say the N-Word?", I get the feeling that my mother's "Electric Slide" during the reception wouldn't be as spirited as usual. I mean, she has never flat out told me not to marry a white women - she has never said she'd disown me if I chose to be with someone that made black chicks collectively suck their teeth whenever we walked by. She doesn't have some sort of stone "Black Woman's Ten Commandments" tablet in her living room with #1 being "Thou shalt not marry a pale face!" - with possibly #5 being "Its OK if Thou marries a Latin broad - they're black anyways"

I'm just working on my mother's subtle reactions over the years, like that time in High School when I had this white girl named Kelly come over so we could complete a Spanish project - my mother was very nice to the girl, but after Kelly left she playfully raised one eyebrow and proceeded to call me O.J Simpson for the next two weeks. Then it was that time that we were out having dinner recently, she gave me that "Well, alrighty-then" look when I told the white waitress that she was so fine that I'd gladly take her to Nation of Islam meetings, clutching two pork chop sandwiches, while singing "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" at the top of my lungs.(Maybe that wasn't about her being white but me being an asshole, I'm sure that me telling the waitress that I'd grant her permission to call me "Mandingo" during sex didn't bode well with my mother either) But I understand where she is coming from, I remember her telling me stories about how prominent black men in the city she grew up in would show off their new white girlfriends - a sign of status supposedly, which is why I'm sure that many women like my mother who are in their 60's feel uneasy when they see a black man with a white woman.

That being said, I love my mother and all, but based on the limited access that I have to free vagina nowadays - my new mantra is the utterly romantic "A hole is a hole!!" I love my black sisters and they are who I've always gravitated to, but I never ruled out anyone based on their race - for all I know my soul-mate is whiter than fresh snow, a woman worth decades of crooked stares and claims that I'm turning my back on my people. But the truth is, unlike 95% of the black dudes in the NBA - I've never been with a white girl despite my cock always being an equal opportunity employer. Sure, I've had my chances, but the white women in question always said or did something to fuck it up for everybody.

Really.. You're wearing that?: I'm paranoid by nature, I tend to think that there are actually people out there plotting on my downfall - from some asshole that I beat senseless in front of his girlfriend once, to a disgruntled blogger upset at the fact that envy has forced him to beat off to my blog on those lonely nights. So you can just imagine my sheer terror when a white woman that I met for lunch, Sandy, walked in the establishment wearing an extremely tight T-shirt with the confederate flag plastered all over it. I just knew it was a hit, a government sent assassin paid to dispatch me from the human coil - there was no other conclusion, what other white women would dare wear a confederate flag T-Shirt while courting a black man? Anyway, after a few awkward moments of ear shattering silence I just blurted out: "What's up with that fucking T-Shirt? I mean, this has to be in the "White girls who fuck black guys" handbook under "What not to do"? Man, I had visions of fucking the shit out of you back at my place and with every thrust saying sexy shit like "This is for Jim Crow!" - "This is for Medgar Evers" - "This is for the last season of "24".. You've really gone and fucked that up!!" She proceeded to tell me that she was just embracing her southern heritage, with every syllable that came out of her mouth the more she sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher. That dinner couldn't have ended fast enough, even though a month later I drunk dialed her and said that she could atone for her sins if she gave me an hand-job while reciting the lyrics to Public Enemy's "Fight the Power"

Fuck the Police!: A few years ago I was invited over the house of a woman who was a police dispatcher, which was rather interesting to me because I always wanted to hear some perverse "Help me, I have a cat stuck to my penis!" story. Dinner was great, and based on her showing me a picture of her ex-boyfriend and him looking like Jimmy "JJ" Walker(currently) I felt like an absolute stud. But as we sat and watched one of those reality based police shows, where a particular police officer was tazzering the shit out of an elderly black women - I said, "Jesus Christ, talk about excessive force!" That's when she took exception and said, "You don't know how it is HumanityCritic, as a dispatcher I hear about these type of animals every day. You have to show those people that you mean business!" - as she uttered that sentiment she continued watching that elderly black woman get deep-fried, sensually biting her lip as if she was getting off on it. I was out of there faster than you could dial 911.

Save the lectures, Cosby: When it came to Caucasian women, I've always had crushes on the ones who were secure in their whiteness - I love Janeane Garofalo, Drew Barrymore, women who have never been accused on trying take on a black persona. I've always despised the white girls who try to act black, you know the type - chicks who actually expose how little respect they have for black folks, by them choosing to use improper English and exhibit the sporadic neck-roll. Anyway, against my better judgement I acquired the phone number of a cashier at my local grocery store - a woman that went by the name Ree-Ree.(real name, Rebbecca) She was everything that I usually loathed, a white girl with a horrible "black-scent" as I call it - but her being stacked like a porn star, and the fact that she said I was cute erased all doubts from my mind. The problem arose when we went out a couple of nights later that I was right - immediately she had me considering perpetrating a hate crime. For one thing, having a white woman tell you that you "talk white" makes a brother want to masturbate to "Roots" and shit - not to mention her attempting to give me a brief overview on "The History of Dreadlocks". Jesus Christ.

17 comments:

Aaron B said...

THIS is some funny shit, I have come across plenty of "black scented" white girls in my day and it does make your skin crawl because you KNOW that is not who they really are! Much more respect for those who are just the "wonder bread" girls that they are.

Let's just all face the reality that we ARE different and that there is nothing wrong with that and that we are all a product of our environment. The less experience you have around the other race the less understanding you will have of them & that goes both ways!

Crankyputz said...

Goodness the thought of your mum calling you OJ, had me laughing like crazy....

I think we all feel the same way about various cultures. My brother was dating a girl from some russian satelitte state and I called him Commie Luver for a year.

Its silly and irrational, but we do tend to stereotype people until we actually get to know them, and frankly as long as your happy, Im sure mumsy will fall in line.

Anonymous said...

My girlfriend best friend at one point was this country ass white girl who had jungle fever and 1 kid from this Brotha who was the poster child for “My Baby Daddy” who at the time I met her he was at a count of 6 kids and 4 mamas. “Speeding threw the story” she had a love hate or relationship with her baby daddy …well maybe it was “Love the Dick, hate the Negro”. Anyway everybody tried to explain her to include him.. She was nothing more than piece of ass on his assorted flavor menu. “And she was not bad looking either”.

So she got pregnant again by my man thinking she would lock him down … and this time my man took the responsible approach and told her get an abortion … because he did not want it ……. Of course she did not … Now my man is up to 8 … yes 8! And not 7. Because he also got another female pregnant at the same time “Oh and she was hood rat sister” and proud of it!
Okay so why am I telling you this story? (Read Part 2) and it will all tie in.

Anonymous said...

(Part 2)of the Country ass black dick loving white girl

Now when I met my girl she was living in a rural area of Delaware as well as the fore-mention white girl who was in love with this Brother with 8 kids.
Opportunities were low and dysfunctional was high. But my girl I knew was a diamond in the rough, and I think the white girl knew it too because she kept her close as most females do with their tried and true girlfriends.
But true was not the case with the white girl … she might have been down with “Literately” with black dick… But she was jealous of our relationship, me being from New York, an executive and with decent Morales.
So when my girl took a leap in faith moved to New York and moved in with me… then the true colors of the white girl showed up. From tried and true best friends, their relationship went to distant, to down right disrespect.
I could go on .. with example … but it came down to my girl after only 5 years in New York traveling the world as a top notch global manger in the eyewear industry, to designing sunglasses for Europe Top Model and driving a BMW to work everyday.
Now most sisters would be happy for their girlfriends pushing up the ladder.
The White girl “NOT!” she would never pickup the phone to speak to my girl, who would leave pleading voicemails. SO what happen to the white girl? ….. We got reports from other friends in Delaware … She now the classic Jerry Springer Fat White Girl! … Chasing that same brotha in and out of court .. For child support …and moving him in and out her Trailer home in the country, still holding issues with her lesbian mother and raising to interracial little girls having to explain Papa is a rolling stone.

I remember when my girl was still on speaking terms with that white girl and we were all chilling during a Barbeque and talking about how Bush stole the election from AL Gore and she told us that she voted for Bush …. In a true Borat response we both said whaaaaaaaaa???????????? … and she responded “Well Bush speak to my needs”
Go figure?
No matter how much a white girl is down for a Black man there will always be that color culture divide.

Anonymous said...

(Part 2)the Country Black Dick Loving White Girl

Now when I met my girl she was living in a rural area of Delaware as well as the fore-mention white girl who was in love with this Brother with 8 kids.
Opportunities were low and dysfunctional was high. But my girl I knew was a diamond in the rough, and I think the white girl knew it too because she kept her close as most females do with their tried and true girlfriends.
But true was not the case with the white girl … she might have been down with “Literately” with black dick… But she was jealous of our relationship, me being from New York, an executive and with decent Morales.
So when my girl took a leap in faith moved to New York and moved in with me… then the true colors of the white girl showed up. From tried and true best friends, their relationship went to distant, to down right disrespect.
I could go on .. with example … but it came down to my girl after only 5 years in New York traveling the world as a top notch global manger in the eyewear industry, to designing sunglasses for Europe Top Model and driving a BMW to work everyday.
Now most sisters would be happy for their girlfriends pushing up the ladder.
The White girl “NOT!” she would never pickup the phone to speak to my girl, who would leave pleading voicemails. SO what happen to the white girl? ….. We got reports from other friends in Delaware … She now the classic Jerry Springer Fat White Girl! … Chasing that same brotha in and out of court .. For child support …and moving him in and out her Trailer home in the country, holding down issues with her lesbian mother and raising to interracial little girls and having to explain Papa is a rolling stone.

I remember when my girl was still on speaking terms with that white girl and we were all chilling during a Barbeque and talking about how Bush stole the election from AL Gore and she told us that she voted for Bush …. In a true Borat response we both said whaaaaaaaaa???????????? … and she responded “Well Bush speak to my needs”
Go figure?
No matter how much a white girl is down for a Black man there will always be that color culture divide.

Anonymous said...

I'm one of those sistas that sucks teeth when I see brothas with a white girl. Let me tell you why the whole jungle fever thing pisses me off. In high school, half of my clique was white, the other half were black. Of course the white girls dated nothing but black guys, they all talked with the blaccent, eyes and neck rolling, talking about how they want mixed babies, etc. So even though we all kicked it together, there was a divide. The white girls would always do stuff and not invite the black girls. They always treated us different.

Eventually two of them ended up meeting these white guys, all of a sudden they're white again! No more black talk, all of a sudden we're no longer listening to rap 24/7, we like Tori Amos now.

The other girls white girls continued to date nothing but black guys but would still always ask us sistas stupid black people questions. "Why do all black people like orange soda" and "Terrence says black girls don't wash their hair everyday, don't you feel dirty"? Some of them would try to get slick and try to throw in "why don't black guys like black girls questions".

At the end of the day, they're hanging out with all these black people and still looking at us like black folks instead of just people. It pissed me off because black men are more than willing to put up with that to get some sloppy, nasty, fat white tail. That is why I roll my eyes. A lot of brothas have no pride in our race and who we are, they're desperate to find something, anything white. No matter how fat and nasty and no matter how degrading the comments are that they make. It disgusts me.

I just saw two of the girls on Myspace and they both have little mixed babies, I can just imagine how they're going to raise their kids.

Bk_red said...

ummm... just trying to get my thoughts together after that last, most interesting post. i'm willing to bet that the majority of people out there have some fucked up ideas about people of a different race and many people are not down with interracial dating, so you'll probably get some respect from those people for this post.

but just to address some points mentioned in the responses (not the actual post), not all non-black women who date/have dated black men are doing it for the sex. believe it or not, just like some white men are packing and know how to use it, some black men are less than impressive in bed (right, hc?). and not all black men date white/asian/hispanic girls because they see them as easy, submissive or a higher rung on the socio-ecomonic ladder. give people credit for viewing & treating other people as human beings, regardless of our differences.

i'm sure my family members have their own ideas about what type of man i should end up with, but let them live their own lives. my mind & heart are wide open. and thank God for that!

Jarrod Halsey said...

I thought I was the only black man in America who would admit out loud that they have a crush on Janene Garofolo. How cute was she in "The Truth About Cats and Dogs?"

jameil1922 said...

hilarious. i think your dating posts are the best. the one that killed me was the shirt. why didn't she just bring a burning cross, a sheet and a rope? wouldn't that have been easier? i hope you stuck her with the bill.

Anonymous said...

You are a DAMN FOOL! Funny as hell- I am suppose to be working but ran across your blog. Very interesting post, I have consideredcrossing the line a time or two but for reason-just let it go..

Elle Willa said...

something is wrong with you for sure. But why am I dying laughing...

black POTUS said...

HC you are crazy... and so is anonymous tell her she needs her own blog. Anyway, I'm with you man I've never dated a white woman but I can't say I haven't "danced with the devil". LOL Usually white women don't have enough ass to satisfy me, you know. They are stacked like you said but to paraphrase David Allen Grier "they don't have enough ass to keep their coochies off the sheets". LOL I need some hips and ass work or it isn't gonna fly. Keep up the good work.

The ZenFo Pro said...

Damn, dude. My ribs hurt. The last graph is one of the funniest things I've read in weeks.

Jdid said...

nice post. the last time i posted about white girls and brothers about 2 years ago (and it was just in jest) i actually got hate mail from sistas and i mean not just then but up to maybe like just three months ago i was still getting random emails and comments from sistas calling me an ass**** and saying that i was ignorant. oh well most comments i ever had on a post still :-)

jali said...

Great post. I laughed pretty hard at your mom calling you O.J. too! Funny as hell.

You meet some weird chicks.

S'August said...

You forgot about the girls who tell you that you've struck white oil because "black men like me". I know some of these girls who say that they're "better" than sistas. I am a sista, without interracial issues, ut you there are some people who think that just because you chose them for the moment you made a choice for life.

Lina Trivedi said...

I think that this is the funniest post I have ever read in my entire life - and I think that all the white women you described are out here in Wisconsin. I don't remember white women being like that in Chicago, did I just not notice? Or maybe now that I am in an interracial relationship and I have that radar that all women have that notice other women's pheromones around their significant others and MAN, it's like having a bad case of roaches. And as soon as you think you've exterminated all of them with hard looks, along comes another one acting so stupid, just like in your post, as if the only color she has ever seen was in a tanning spa. Anyway, thanks for being out there ... I'll be back for some laughs!