Thursday, May 24, 2007

HumanityCritic's message to Russell Simmons: "Sit your ass down somewhere!!"(

As a guy who has a rather extensive history when it comes to juggling three or four girlfriends at a time, I'm certain that I'll always have a gig jumping from Ivy League school to Ivy League school acting as that particular school's guest professor - sculpting impressionable minds in a popular course that I plan on naming "Bullshit Artist: 101". Don't worry, I'm no longer the philandering wretch that I was a decade ago - once taking pride in bedding a different woman a night while each one desperately tried to maintain her mid-coital chuckling due to my undersized toddler-penis. Or miscellaneous dalliances who inquired about my whereabouts the night before, thus provoking me to respond with my standard "I was with my other girlfriend!" line - the only time that an absolute truth happened to escape my detestable mandible and she takes it as a joke. But based on my new found germaphobia making it virtually impossible to fuck a woman unless she goes through a plethora of medical tests and a government sponsored background check, and me feeling as if Riot Gear or a space suit is needed for me to get something as innocent as a lap dance or the time honored "back alley hand-job" - suffice it to say, my days of a handful of women calling me their "boyfriend" are over.

Besides, maintaining your bullshit starts to feel like a career - from avoiding being photographed at all costs(The person she shows your picture to at her job, or the chick who sees your silly mug on her mantle could know your other girlfriend for Christs sakes), or making sure that you take each girlfriend to different eating establishments.(Nothing is worse than some asshole waiter blowing your spot, talking about "Its good to see you again!" when that's the first time you took THAT girlfriend there.) Not only that, you have to have intricate back-stories to account for your time - the girlfriend that you only see in the wee hours of the morning knows that you work two jobs during the day, the ones that you see during the day are fully aware of your "night job" and the promising "rap career" that keeps you in the studio most nights. From experience I've found that the best thing to do when dating a few people at a time is to avoid calling out anyone's name, period - stick to the old stand-by's like "Baby", "Nasty Girl", and my personal favorite "Sugar-tits". Most women complain ad naseum about their boyfriends and husbands not listening to them, but take it from a scumbag like myself who a decade ago saw more genitalia in a week than your local GYN does - you have to listen to every word a woman says as if you were working as a "court stenographer", because there is nothing worse than going down memory lane with the wrong person. Basically what I'm saying is, there is a lot of work that goes into maintaining a facade - you almost have to buy into your own bullshit for the shit to even come across somewhat authentic.(Read more here)


Anonymous said...

Yo, WHY did "Hustle" Simmons have to throw a "nigga" in there when he was talking to Bill Maher??

Anonymous said...

Well, that's good news! Your change of heart on the bed hopping! lol