"Lets Get Ready To RUUUMBLE!!!" How I got a Girl Beat the Fuck up!

I have come to realize ever since my 21st birthday that I am everyone's "Bar Buddy". Let me explain: For some reason I am a guy that people feel compelled to talk to in a bar. I can't begin to tell you how many strangers in bars have started just unloading their deepest secrets upon me. I don't know what it is, but I guess I have one of those faces.

Anyway, there is a neighborhood bar that I go to, not because it is a particularly good bar, but because it is close to my house and the fear of me getting a D.U.I. decreases greatly.(I have come to understand from women that I've dated that my butt is rather pleasing to the eye, but having such a attribute makes a straight brother want to avoid jail at all cost.)

Around the election time I was in my local watering hole talking about politics with some republican asshole, but what stuck out about the confrontation was that his girlfriend was by his side really getting mad at me. She kept spouting out typical right wing idiocies(i.e John Kerry is a pussy/ Bush will make us safer/Bush is taking care of those sand niggers!) "Sand Niggers?" I said. I proceeded in calling her a racist piece of shit and telling the gentlemen I was having the original conversation with that he should proceed and "put a leash on his bitch." I just knew that he would take offense but I guess he realized the ignorant things that came from his girlfriends mouth and began apologizing for her. I shook his hand, and that was that.

Since then I have seen(her name is Chrissy) Chrissy a few times and each time she gives me the ice grill like she wants to kill me. I usually ignore her and go about my business. That was until Christmas Night!

Let me introduce Suzy to you: Suzy is one of those "bar buddies" that I have known for quite a while now. Suzy is a 35 year old Latina women who thinks she's 20. I swear, 95% of our conversations have something to do with her "beating some bitch's ass". The other 5% of our conversations are about her bi-sexuality, and how many more chicks she could get than me. She's a bunch of laughs, but when she gets hammered she becomes belligerent.

Apparently, Chrissy and Suzie had exchanged words earlier in the evening. Suzy came over to me and said, "HumanityCritic, that bitch don't know me!! She's lucky I'm trying to be good!"

(Suddenly a devil appeared on my shoulder)

Devil: Hey Critic, why don't you gas up Suzy so she goes over there and punch that bitch in the face?? She called Iraqi's "sand Niggers" for Christ sakes! Plus, she has been grilling you for months!!

Me: But I'm 31 devil, isn't that Immature?? I have made efforts to grow as a man, wouldn't instigating a fight undermine that growth??

(HumanityCritic waits for a Angel to appear on his other shoulder, but a second devil appears)

Devil #2: Did you expect a Angel to pop up?? Hell, didn't you know that after a few drinks that motherfucker is A.W.O.L?? I agree with my devil brethren, lets all get that Bush loving racist beat the fuck up!!

"HumanityCritic!!, you are zoning out!!", Suzy said. "My Bad" I replied, "What were you saying again??" She then proceeded in telling me how Chrissy bumped her and called her a bitch, and that Chrissy was lucky the she didn't smack her. Then I said, "That girl has a history of disrespecting people in here". I went on and said, "Yeah, last week she got into it with this puertorican girl and said that all Latina girls were sluts! Suzy replied, "No that bitch didn't, No she didn't!" "Yep" I replied, "There is something else I want to tell you but, ahh forget it". "What", she said, "Tell me!!" I paused for a second, trying to search for that Angel to pop on my shoulder and stop me, but it was apparent that his ass wasn't showing up. Knowing that I was going to be disappointed with myself later, I told Suzy, "Last week your ex was here and she was trying to get with him. All over that dude." I knew that I had lit the fuse, but the funny thing about my plot to get that girls ass kicked was that I didn't really lie that much. Chrissy did get into it with a puertorican girl before and called her a slut(I exaggerated that story no less, but not that much) and she DID try to hit on her ex boyfriend..

Suzy, began taking her rings off, I knew it was on. She walked over to the girl who had referred to Iraqi's as "sand Niggers" a few months before and belted her in the face.(**POW!!**) "Ohh Shit!!" I yelled out. Drinks were flying, Suzy was beating the brakes off this girl. The bouncer quickly pulled Suzy off the girl, and escorted Suzy out. There wasn't any cop involvement so I was happy about that. Minutes later Chrissy sat down and asked anyone that listened, "Did any of you see me beat that bitch's ass?" I said, "I witnessed you getting your ass BEAT! Next time, try not to block so many punches with your face."

Looking back, like many of my impulsive decisions in my life, I felt bad that I instigated that altercation.

(angel appears)

Angel: What have you done?

Me: Now you show up?? Where was your ass an hour ago?

Angel: Did you not learn anything from your boy dying in a club altercation a couple of months ago..

Me: I know, I know..Shit

Angel: But I know it felt good to see that racist piece of trash be on the business end of a beating, huh??

Me: Yeah, it felt pretty good..

In Defense of Kobe Bryant

Court T.V Anchor: Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, we are outside the courtroom of public opinion where the HumanityCritic will defend the public perception of Kobe Bryant. This won't be like his victorious freestyle battle against Bush months ago, because experts say that the HumanityCritic has a uphill battle, being that the world has seemed to turned against the one time media darling. Plus, the HumanityCritic accidentally erased his blog the other day, so he hasn't really been in top form lately. (clutching earpiece) I'm getting word that the court session is beginning. Lets watch the proceedings take place.

(Inside the Courtroom)

Judge:(banging gavel) Order in the court! Order in the court! Public opinion Vs. Kobe Bryant. Can we hear opening arguments. Prosecution?

Prosecution: Thank you your honor. Ladies and Gentleman, you will see today how one man singlehandedly brought down a dynasty. From rape allegations, selfish play, the alienation of teammates, running his mouth to police, and being responsible for getting rid of a Hall of Fame coach and arguably the Best center to ever play the game. His public "fall from grace", as I will prove today, is entirely his fault. Thank you.

Judge: Defense?

HumanityCritic: Ladies and Gentlemen, I will systematically poke holes in many of the flimsy claims from the prosecution today. I admit, that many of Mr. Bryants problems are ones that were brought upon himself, but there is blame to be shared by all here. I believe that Kobe Bryant has been the fall guy for a guy that couldn't back away from the buffet table when he was in L.A, and a coach who really didn't want him around in the first place, and a media that is irresponsible and treats black men like life-long criminals. Thank you.

Judge: Prosecution call your first witness

Prosecution: Thank you your honor. The prosecution calls Phil Jackson(Jackson is sworn in) Mr Jackson, can you briefly tell me some of the problems you had with Kobe?

Jackson: Sometimes he would undermine my authority and we were engaged in a kind of intellectual warfare. Coaching him became a nightmare.

Prosecution: So Kobe would openly question your authority?

Jackson: Yes, plus he never wanted to run the triangle offense in the first place. He handled the ball too much, and I know for a fact that he was responsible for me being let go.

Prosecution: Thank you.

(HumanityCritic begins to question Jackson)

HumanityCritic: Mr. Jackson, you have mentioned today and in previous statements that Kobe questioned authority, shot the ball too much, and pretty much set his own rules. Is that correct?

Jackson: Yes, that's correct.

HumanityCritic: But by reading various accounts of many of your ex-players from the Bulls days, it seems that another player that you coached behaved in the same exact way. I guess Kobe's actions were unacceptable because his name wasn't MICHAEL JORDAN!!

Prosecution: I object! He's badgering my witness

HumanityCritic:(in best Nino Brown Voice): Sit your 5 dollar ass down before I make change!! . .

Judge: I'll allow it

Jackson: Okay, I did show preferential treatment to Jordan but..

HumanityCritic: But what?? Why is it different now?? How about Dennis Rodman!!??

Jackson: Well, that is irrelevant. Kobe is responsible for having me let go!

HumanityCritic: Good, I'm glad you brought that up. I have been reading articles dating back 5 years ago, and talked to many people who know the interworkings of the Lakers, and I have learned that you tried to have Kobe traded many times. Is that true??

Jackson: Well, yeah. But only because he wasn't my type of player and I thought we could get a lot for him.

HC: The mere perception that Kobe got anyone "let go" is silly because Kobe doesn't own a team, but lets just say he was influential in getting you canned. Did you really think he would have your back after you tried to have the man traded time and time again?? This is how I feel that conversation went between Kobe and the Lakers owner Jerry Buss..(HumanityCritic re-enacts conversation)

<<Buss: Hey Kobe, since you are a perenial all-star, first team all-NBAer, franchise player that's not even in his prime yet, I think we might want to resign you.
Kobe: OK, but can you do me one favor first?
Buss: Name it.
Kobe: Can you get rid of the guy who has been trying to trade me for the past five years?
Buss: You mean the guy who couldn't win a championship last year with an All-Star team?
Kobe: Uh-huh.
Buss: Gee Kobe, that's a tall order can I think about that?
Kobe: Sure. (two seconds later)
Buss: OK, Phil is gone.
Kobe: Thanks.>>

HC: Do you blame the guy??

Jackson: I guess you have a point

HC: Get your zen master ass off the stand!

Judge: Next up, Shaquille O'Neal

(Shaq is sworn in)

Prosecution: Shaq, because this blog is getting way too long can you briefly express your frustrations towards Mr. Bryant.

Shaq: Kobe and I were never friends and he alienated teammates. He didn't understand that I was the man in L.A.. He ran Phil out, ran me out, distracting the team because of all his "legal trouble", then when he got arrested he blabbed to the cops and said that I cheated on my wife!! The media hates this guy now and I'm loving it, plus I am in a better situation in Miami.

(HumanityCritic approaches the stand)

HC: Shaq, isn't it true that you left when you found out that Phil wasn't coming back

Shaq: Thats right

HC: But you just said that Kobe ran you out, which one is it motherfucker??!!

Shaq:He inadvertently ran me out?

HC: Huh?? Anyway, you claim that Kobe wasn't a team player, but couldn't you say that you weren't a team player either? Coming to camp out of shape, taking your time to have surgery, and ballooning to weights that would qualify you to be the fourth member of the Fat boys.. Come on Mr. O'Neal!!

Shaq: Ok, I love cake, what can I say? But I'm in shape now and I try my best not to even talk about Kobe. I have Class!

HC: I have heard you say this before, that you have "class". But class is something that you can't really assign to yourself, it is as foolish as calling yourself "sexy". You claim that you don't talk about Kobe but every interview you do is about Kobe. When you don't talk about Kobe you are taking subliminal shots, like when you say, "The teammates I have now share the ball, and they are REALLY team players." What kind of crap is that?? If you are going to talk about someone don't be a pussy, call them out. You haven't shown any class Mr. O'Neal. I didn't see any class when you refused to meet Kobe and the other team captains in the center of the court, which is customary before each game. Just because you have a fucking grudge!

Shaq: What a minute!! How dare you talk to me like that? For one thing, Kobe's image is damaged because he cheated on his wife! Don't you think his image is damaged forever?

HC: It didn't seem to hurt Bill Cosby, Michael Jordan, and Bill Clinton that much..

Shaq: Wow, good examples! Ok, but what about him blabbing to the cops about me?

HC: I agree, that was a bitch move. But it is public knowledge that Kobe isn't street smart. Writers go on and on about how Kobe isn't "from the streets". I feel that the media is making too much of this because the man was being accused of rape for Christs sake!! I might get a little chatty myself if some cops in colorado accused me of raping a white woman..

Shaq: Whatever, I'm out of here. You are lucky I don't whip your ass HumanityCritic

HC: You won't do shit, especially since this is my blog and in this motherfucker I will beat your ass. Can I give you advice? Put the mic down you wack non-rapping son of a bitch! By the way, Kazzam sucked ass!

Judge: Closing Statements?

Prosecution: I think the evidence speaks for itself. Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, Kobe has proven to not only be a selfish player, but a backstabber. He is the reason for Shaq leaving, Phil leaving, and his public image taking a hit is well deserved. Don't have any pity on this accused rapist and serial ballhog. Thank you.

HC: Ladies and Gentlemen, what have we learned today? We have learned that a former teammate of Kobe is saying that he isn't a team player, when he himself couldn't stay in shape and always came to training camp overweight. We have learned from a ex-coach of Kobe that he had him canned, but we also learned that that same coach had tried to have Kobe traded time and time again. It is my assesment, that Kobe didn't owe these men any type of loyalty at all. The media is acting like Kobe Bryant is a bad person, who eats babies in his spare time. Give me a fucking break..

Judge: Jury, it is on you? Has the HumanityCritic made a legitimate defense or is he full of shit like always. Through your comments from the blogisphere, we will get a verdict in this case. Don't worry, you won't hurt HC's feelings, just tell it like it is.. Let the comments begin!

Dear Mama, I ain't mad at ya, but I'm not a big fan of Tupac

As I write this, I understand that I have a lot of opinions that aren't shared by many people. For example, I don't think Ron Artest is a animal, I think that Tupac is overrated, and I think that Shaquille O'Neal is just as much of a bitch as Kobe is.(For someone who says that they aren't thinking about Kobe, why is every interview Shaq does about Kobe. Shaq, you are equivalent to a scorned lover. One who still calls regularly, drives by the house, and can't keep your ex lover's name out of your mouth. I keep expecting Kobe to say, "Didn't I break up with you motherfucker??!!)

Anyway, the mere fact that I think that Tupac is overrated angers people, and it seems as if I have spoken ill about God. I'm sorry, I think the man was a good artist but he just is totally overrated. I won't go into why I think that but a very interesting thing happened a few days ago. A friend of mine named Derek and I were talking about Hip Hop. Derek and I have been friends since we were kids, but over the past few years we have grown apart. During our conversation I mentioned how I thought that Tupac was overrated. A look of frustration came over his face and he said, "You are crazy! What kind of bullshit are you on??" I said, "I just don't think he was that great, that's all. I just think that his death made him greater than he actually was in the public eye." Growing increasingly angrier he said, "That's why you like that bullshit. Everyone you like can't hold a candle to Tupac!" With an asshole smirk I answered, "Krs one, Rakim, Public Enemy, Tribe?? Are you kidding me? Tupac was a great artist, but he left a lot to be desired when it came to raw lyricism.

"This was the straw that broke the camel's back, he then tried a different angle. He said, "The reason you don't feel Tupac is because you never had to struggle. You were never homeless. You don't understand the streets!! He rapped about shit you can't understand. You had two parents, education, that is why your dumb ass can't comprehend Tupac."

He looked at me like he put me in my place, and by him slipping that "dumb" in there I realized that it was getting personal. I think he expected me to retreat, but instead I erupted with a big gust of laughter. My rant in response went a little like this: "Ha, ha, ha,ha. You are joking right? Motherfucker, for one thing you and I come from the same area, same high school, and your miserable ass had two parents also. When did you need to be from the same background as a artist to understand their music. Do I have to be from the trailer park to understand Eminem? Do I have to be from Brooklyn to get Biggie? Do I have to be from Seattle to understand Nirvana lyrics?? Exactly, your point was the stupidest thing I heard since Bush got re-elected. By the way, you had a supportive family but you chose to go to the ghetto, you chose to be homeless because you wanted to prove to people that "you were down", so don't give me any of your fucking sob stories.." He promptly said "Fuck You" and stormed out of my house. As he left I thought two things. 1)That people sure get pissed off when you criticize Tupac and 2)If I keep this up, I won't have any friends left.

The "What in the Fuck were you thinking" Awards of 2004

These awards are given out to individuals that have done things in 2004 that were "questionable". Whether it be quotes they have made, career moves, regrettable actions..These people have been awarded the "What in the fuck were you thinking" Award of 2004.

Halle Berry: Halle, I love, I really do. But I have to ask you, what was that catwoman debacle you put out earlier this year. For one thing, the movie was a 2 hour music video, just embarrassing. Plus you overreacted so much I thought I was watching Shaquille O'Neil's performance in Kazzam. Listen, you are a respectable actress, albeit overrated, but don't go back to the days when you released garbage like B.A.P.S. I have to ask you, what in the fuck were you thinking??

Bill O'Reilly: It is no secret that I think this man is human excrement, but Billy Boy had a huge faux paus in 2004. With all his talk about "moral values" and how Ludacris is ruining America, it came out that FOX news' major star has a habit of sexually harassing coworkers by calling them on the phone at all hours. The following is a excerpt of a Bill O'Reilly phone call that he made to his executive producer Pamela Mackris: <<"You would basically be in the shower and then I would come in and I'd join you and you would have your back to me and I would take that little loofa thing and kinda soap up your back... rub it all over you, get you to relax, hot water... and um... you know, you'd feel the tension drain out of you and uh you still would be with your back to me then I would kinda put my arm -- it's one of those mitts, those loofa mitts you know, so I got my hands in it... and I would put it around front, kinda rub your tummy a little bit with it, and then with my other hand I would start to massage your boobs, get your nipples really hard... 'cuz I like that and you have really spectacular boobs...">> Bill, you smooth seducer you, you had me at "loofa". This just proves that you are not only a steaming pile of fecal matter, but a hypocrite to boot. Bill, What in the fuck were you thinking??

John McCain: Mr. McCain, out of all the low class republicans that I can name, you are one of the only republicans that I respect. You have a history of going with your conscious and not your party. But, how in the hell could you endorse Bush?? Listen, I'm not saying that you had to endorse Kerry, but George Bush's campaign staff spread rumors about your wife being a drug addict and you fathering a "black child" during the 2000 primaries. They even went as far as to question your patriotism, a man of your military respectability. It has been said that their underhanded tactics caused your family a lot of stress and turmoil at the time. So what do you do?? You embrace this Coke snorting, draft dodging son of a bitch! John McCain, what in the fuck were you thinking??

John Kerry: I love you man, but I have to be honest. I respect everything that you were about and you are a all around better person than George Bush. If you were president, you would get us out of the mess we are in now. But I have to say this: The past 6 months showed what happens when you run a clean and honest campaign, you get beat. I admire you wanting to run a respectable campaign, but the other side slung so mud it was hard for people to see your message clearly. It is like going into a fight, with the intentions of fighting fair, and your opponent keeps hitting you in the nuts. If you run again, remember that, and aim for the testicles.

Rudy Guiliani: Ok, he hasn't really done anything this year but I have to vent. This sack of shit has to be the most overrated politician outside of George W. Bush. People think he was "so brave" during 9/11, but I think that is giving him too much credit. Remember that Chris Rock joke when he was talking about not giving people credit for things they are "supposed to do"? If you are mayor of a major city you are supposed to be visible during a disaster, and give the city encouragement and leadership. Have we in America lowered the bar so low that we praise people for doing their job?? By the way Rudy, I remember how you were thought of on September 10, 2001: A philandering jackass, that targeted all black men as suspects. On your watch, the occasional greeting that a black man would get from police would be 5 warning shots in the back, or a plunger in your ass. You are a disgrace, you don't fool me.

Sports media:(Ron Artest): Ok, Ron Artest has a history of behavioral problems. Ron Artest isn't the smartest brother in the world. Ron Artest shouldn't have attacked that fan and he was definitely wrong for doing that. But sports media, Ron Artest isn't Scott Pederson!! You guys act like Artest killed a dozen school children. I know it is the media's job to paint black men as mentally unstable animals, but your coverage on Artest was mind numbingly stereotypical. Ron Artest has problems, but don't we all?? Sometimes I drift off and have imaginary conversations with my dead father, and I think that hip hop will be good again, so I have my own issues.

Sports Media(Barry Bonds): I know that Bonds recently admitted that he used steroids, and I know that it is wrong. But I am tired of hearing sportswriters trying to make fans hate Barry Bonds. The sad truth Mr. Sportswriter, fans don't give a fuck about steroids, they just want to see Barry hit that little white ball over the fence. It might sound foul(pun intended) but that's the truth. Sportswriters want you to hate Bonds because apparently he isn't that kind to sportswriters. So what, he dissed you not me..

News Media(politics): The news over the past 6 months has to be the most cowardice I have seen in all my 31 years. You let constant Bush misinformation slide, even though you knew he was factually inaccurate. You let those Swift Boat clowns get about 2 weeks of publicity, even though many of their claims against John Kerry were flat-out lies. I have equate the news media to my history with black cops. Some people would think that a black cop would treat me fairly, being that he is a fellow African American. But what happens is, because they are so conscious of showing preferential treatment towards you, they overcompensate and mistreat you. The news media, is so conscious of being labeled "liberal", they overcompensate and have a conservative tilt..

Dan Rather: Dan, Dan, Dan. Don't you know that you should verify your sources, you know better. Granted, even though the documents were suspect, the content behind them is pretty accurate. Bush DID have connections to get him in the National Guard. Bush WAS disciplined for mischievous behavior. Bush WAS AWOL from his duties for a considerable amount of time. But because the documents were questionable, people on FOX News who couldn't hold your journalistic jockstrap, are questioning your journalistic integrity. Dan, your career is exemplary, but What in the Fuck were you thinking??

Pat Robertson: {Since I live in the same town where his headquarters are at(Virginia Beach), I feel that I will be taken out after I write this. But screw it, it will be worth it.} This miserable excuse for a human being has been on my proverbial shitlist for a while, but most notably he has spent most of 2004 promoting disgusting right-wing ideologies and hinting at the fact that God prefers Bush. Not only that he said that "Kwanza is an absolute fraud". Besides the fact that Robertson has the habit of speaking out of a hidden orifice, everything about him sickens me. For one thing, the 700 club has to be the most vomit inducing show, rivaling fear factor. The hate-filled, racist things that come out of Robertsons mouth informs me that he is not a man of God. Hey Pat, if Jesus is as caring and considerate as I think he is, you will have some explaining to do when your time-card is punched.

HumanityCritic: Yes, I'm calling myself out. Sometimes I feel that I have tourette's or something, because the shit that comes out of my mouth is so troubling. My biggest problem is that I lack the ability to ignore people when they are rude, and I usually strike back with some unnecessary retort. Case in point: The other day I went to Blockbuster to get some videos and I handed the Clerk my money. He looked at my money and in a sarcastic voice said "Somebody needs a wallet", because the bills weren't facing the same direction. Immediately I said, "Somebody needs to keep their fucking comments to themselves, and serve their purpose." As soon as I left I felt bad because that wasn't called for. My New Years resolution: Be less of a prick in 2005.

Rush Limbagh: Limbaugh Quote:"There's nothing good about drug use. We know it. It destroys individuals. It destroys families. Drug use destroys societies. Drug use, some might say, is destroying this country. And we have laws against selling drugs, pushing drugs, using drugs, importing drugs. And the laws are good because we know what happens to people in societies and neighborhoods, which become consumed by them. And so if people are violating the law by doing drugs, they ought to be accused and they ought to be convicted and they ought to be sent up." Really, you pill popping, drug addicted motherfucker! Look at you, hooked on Hillbilly heroin, fired from your sportscasting gig, the feds are breathing down your throat because you bought prescription drugs illegally, and Donavan McNabb is having a MVP caliber season. What do you have to say for yourself, you miserable bastard?? I know, his drug news broke in 2003 but I couldn't resist.

For the love of the "Nappy Dugout".

Nappy Dugout:(slang) Slang term used to describe a woman's genitalia. Vagina

As I was thinking back on my life the other day, it occurred to me that I have done some amazingly stupid things all in the pursuit of the "Nappy Dugout". What I have gone though just to receive a momentary feeling of pleasure would make people shake their head in disbelief. Here are some examples.

1. North Carolina!!!!!! I had a girlfriend that was originally from North Carolina, and she had moved back there at that time. During a very lonely Friday night, I asked if I could come over even though her new location was 3 hours away. Even though I hinted that I want some "affection", she never guaranteed anything. I drove all the way to her house, arriving at her house at 2 in the morning. It was clear early on that she wasn't trying to have sex, so like a five year old child I immediately left and drove back home. That action, almost proved to be fatal. On the way back home I had fallen asleep at the wheel and woke up with my car is some bushes alongside the highway.

2. Its getting hot in Herre: I don't know about anyone else, but I hate a hot ass house. I dated this girl who didn't want to come to where I was at, but said it was OK for me to come by her residence. Problem was it was early August, it was 90 degrees in the shade, and she didn't have AC. Once again, my "little head" was making all the decisions that night. I stepped inside her house and it was like walking inside a oven, to the point that I immediately nicknamed her crib "Little Africa". As we "did the do", the sweat was just pouring off our bodies like a waterfall.(There is good sweat and bad sweat, this my friends, was bad sweat) After we finished we laid in a literal pool of our own perspiration. It was so sad that we filled spray bottles with water, and sporadically shot it in the air so it would land on our smoldering bodies.

3.Runs House: As any of you may have guessed I love Run D.M.C. I had went to one of their shows a few years back with a young lady I was with at the time. We were enjoying the show, basking in the glow of legitimate Hip Hop when she whispered in my ear, "Lets get out of here. I want you right now!" I smiled and said, "That's great and all, but they are in the middle of doing "Runs House". I don't care if your vagina shot out 100 dollar bills, I ain't leaving!!" She grabbed me in a undisclosed location and slowly kissed my neck. I looked at her and said, "OK, lets go!." Even though she turned out to be rather "spirited" in the bedroom, you NEVER leave classic Hip Hop when its going on!

4. Don't stress it, get tested: I had a relationship going on with a lovely woman, who informed me that we weren't having sex until I got a Aids test. I respected that, no fault in that. So she took me to the local clinic and got a Aids test done because she wanted to be there every step of the way. I've had them done before, but before it was with a personal doctor who gave you the results immediately. With the free clinic, it takes like 2 weeks for your results to come in. For 14 days I agonized over each and every questionable piece of ass I had "been in" during the tenure of my sex life. Condoms are a must for me, but you never know about test results. Obviously I was disease free, and me and the young lady in question finally went on to have sex. I have admitted that I'm a piss poor lay, but she was absolutely horrible. For all the trouble I went through for shorty, I expected her to have porn star skills.

5. I love Reggae, I swear!!: This isn't going to be a very popular statement but I have to be honest, I kind if hate Reggae. I like Roots Reggae, Bob Marley, Peter Tosh, Third World, that stuff I can deal with. But I absolutely despise Dancehall. I know, how can a brother with dreadlocks hate dancehall?? I just do, I can't explain it. Anyway, I met this Jamaican chick named Marlene that loved Dancehall, it was her life. She had a backside that you could put a drink on, and...OK, you get the point. So, for about two months I led her to believe that I liked Dancehall also, even attending dancehall concerts to get a chance to see her naked. It worked, but the dishonesty was deplorable, and I spent all that time dancing to music that I despise. But it was educational though, through that experience I felt that I could be a great undercover cop, infiltrating organizations, pretending to be somebody else.