Thursday, March 27, 2008
What is your favorite Stevie Wonder song?
Do you know what the mark of a truly great artist is? When you routinely find yourself changing your mind when it comes to pinpointing what exactly your favorite song by that artist is - its an indecisiveness in my life usually reserved for the types of deviant pornography I finally decide to "rub one out" to before starting my day. When I stumbled upon this 1975 grammy performance where he delivers a rather infectious "You haven't done nothing" - it automatically moved "As" out of my top spot, even though the hook on "Too High" is a force to be reckoned with, thus making it a rather formidable opponent in the weeks to come. Stevie Wonder is hands down my favorite artist of all time, and despite his 40 years worth of blessing all of us with ear-pleasing melodious mission statements of Love and Hope - his musical brilliance is to blame for my intolerance of subpar artistry. Being a fan of a man whose work ethic and perfectionism is second to none, who has a "go big or go home" aspect to creating songs - every time I hear an MC give a less than spirited 16 bars, I sincerely want he/she to euthanize themselves with an extremely dull butter-knife. Every time I hear Missy Elliot come out the same fucking song year after year, it makes me ashamed that I hail from the same state that she does - and that's saying a lot, with Pat Robertson being my neighbor and all. Even though black men are an endangered species, when my ear openings are breached by these minstrel show rappers that only appeal to black folks who I would immediately give up if I was ever captured in a race war - I want all of those motherfuckers to miraculously disappear, Jimmy Hoffa style. Stevie, YOU did this to me!!!
I was wondering, what is your favorite Stevie Wonder song?
I'm not a Campaign Manager, but I play one on this blog..(vibe.com)


Monday, March 17, 2008
A few things you probably didn't know about me

1. This is going to sound weird, but I have a weird hatred for coupons - I can't explain, it, I guess it has something to do with my mother being a coupon Nazi when I was a kid. If someone I'm with attempts to pay for something with a coupon, or if I'm behind someone in line with one - every time, I can't help it, I let out a rather exhaustive "Jesus Fucking Christ!"
2. My impatience is getting ridiculous. Yesterday, as I stood in a checkout line behind a lady counting pennies along with three other customers - I just told the cashier to ring everyone's stuff on my bill so I could get the fuck out of that store faster. If I keep that shit up, I'm going to be homeless.
3. I don't care if it includes a cure for cancer, or the specific location where a million dollars in cold-hard-cash is buried - in a rather reflexive manner, I erase all forwarded emails that have ever been sent to me. My feelings on forwarded emails is akin to how I felt when my brother watched one of my porn tapes back in the day - it instantly loses that personal touch once someone else has laid their eyes on it.
4. For the longest time, I've had a thing for delivering rather obscure references - when my girlfriend was wearing an all black outfit with a black beret last week, I told her that she looked like "Monie Love in the "Ladies First" video". I once told a girl, after performing oral sex on her - that her vagina was as "grainy as the zepruder film." My girlfriend wants me to disassociate myself with a childhood friend who happens to currently have a career in street grade pharmaceuticals, I know she's right - but as she read me the riot act about said friendship, I said to her: "I love committing sins and my friends sell crack!"(Nas - "Represent") You get the idea.
5. One thing that scares me, almost as much as being subjected to a Lil Wayne album or being on the business end of a prison rape - is seeing someone that I "kind of" know and engaging in small talk. I absolutely hate it, I can't tell you how many times I've exhibited ninja-like nimbleness just so some asshat that I casually know wouldn't bombard me with a time wasting conversation that goes absolutely nowhere. But when I am caught, I'm cordial for the first few fleeting moments - but I usually wrap it up with "Listen, I don't give a fuck about you and I'm sure that the feeling is mutual - lets unburden ourselves and move on. Shall we?"
6. One of the reasons why I'll never buy a handgun, outside of the fact that having a quick temper could complicate such a purchase - is that I have historically been an excellent shot. Whether it was a kid, visiting my Aunt in South Carolina, me and my father shooting cans in a deserted field - or my recent trips to the firing range with my cop friend, I'm starting to think that I missed my calling.
7. This is petty I know, but I tend to judge people based on the music they like. It doesn't matter if the person in question was a political science major who then went on to become an elected official - if that person even casually tells me that they are a Jim Jones fan, any argument they have from that point on about politics comes out sounding like Charlie Brown's teacher.
8. Not only do I vehemently reject wearing flip-flops, I denounce any fellow member of the male species who takes it upon themselves to wear the virtually soul-less footwear. I don't know what it is, some sort of mental block or something - but men wearing flip-flops seems morally wrong to me in the same way that having impure thoughts about a nun and going home and masturbating to the mental image you have of her in your head after you get home from school is wrong. Wait a minute, I've done that. Shit, I'm going to hell.
Stop trying to "David Koresh" me!(Vibe.com)

That's why I can't seem to wrap my head around the commonly regurgitated meme over the past months that Obama supporters are all "crazy", characterizing us as "cult-like' - proverbial Jim Jones kool-aid drinkers, political branch davidians, waiting for some spaceship to snatch us all up as we wear our black and white Nike's while attending an Obama speech.(Read more here)
I'm not a Campaign Manager, but I play one on this blog..(Vibe.com)
Over the past three days, being bombarded with the non-scandal of the week that is "Pastor-gate", the mainstream media shamelessly regurgitating right wing talking points while FOX News has started using youtube clips of Rev. Jeremiah Wright as masturbatory material(I guess they were bored with "rubbing one out" to Mein Kampf) - I noticed that when white preachers denounce America, they are embraced, black preachers, not so much. As much as I'd like to think that Americans are smart enough to reject the guilt-by-association game, our fellow countrymen/women did elect the Barney Fife of presidents to two terms in office - so when you factor that in, I'd say that we all agree that Obama has to get in front of this in a very big way. So far he has done the right things, rejecting everything the pastor said that was inflammatory, writing a post on Huffington Post on Friday - that same night making the rounds on any cable news outlet that comes to mind to address the issue. That was just phase one, here is what I feel should be his second wave of political maneuvering when it comes the Rev Wright non-controversy - granted, I'm not a campaign manager but I play one on this blog.(Read more here)
Uncle HumanityCritic

Ladies & Gentlemen, HumanityCritic is now an uncle(..she was born a month ago, I know, I'm late) - introducing my niece, Michael Anne Osborne.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Another Edition of "HumanityCritic's Asshole Moments"




A couple of days later, when I was taking my dear mother to her doctors appointment, I stopped by the grocery store to pick up some odds and ends. As we were pulling out of the parking lot, I saw the gentleman in question walking to his car - so I stopped my automobile besides his, told my mother to "hold on", and crept up behind the gentleman and put him in an extremely tight sleeper hold. As my mother screamed "What in the fuck are you doing??!!" I let the guy go, but before walking off I gave him 3 or for kicks in the stomach for good measure.(..and for some reason, for the life of me I can't tell you why - I screamed "Riverside motherfucker!") My poor mother, screaming emphatically "Get your ass in here boy!!" - but I found something very curious though, for the first time my mother laughed at one of my random episodes of violence - I'm such a bad fucking influence.
I'm not a Campaign Manager, but I play one on this blog..(Vibe.com)

So every week, depending on the political developments of the preceding days - I'm going to give Barack Obama some campaign advice that I hope he'll find beneficial. If not, I'm sure him and his staff can sit back and laugh at my suggestions - and openly wonder how they can take the advice of a career alcoholic who once had sex at his fathers wake.



Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Tina Fey, you are dead to me.(Vibe.com)

That being said, my school-boy crush for Ms. Fey received a rather punishing body blow last weekend as I watched the episode of SNL that Fey returned to host - calling that particular show a 90 minute shill job for Hillary Clinton's campaign is a gross understatement akin to saying that Mickey Mantle was a recreational drinker. First, let me tackle the debate sketch. Forget about the fact that a dread-locked lover of late-night snacking such as myself would have made a better Barack Obama than the actor who played him(Fred Armisen), the comedic recreation of the CNN debate was just a regurgitation of the "Barack is getting a free ride" meme that we've all been tirelessly bombarded with. One of the most astounding phenomenons, outside of Stonehenge, unexplainable crop circles, and the popularity of "Two and a Half Men" - is the universally embraced talking point that Obama is getting preferential media coverage. Sure, the guy is relatively new and people view his meteoric rise with understandable curiosity - but there are a few things to consider.
First off, if the roles were reversed and Barack Obama was the one who lost 11 straight contests, Democratic party elders and the media alike would be begging him to exit stage left - he'd be a darker version of Mike Huckabee, minus the bass guitar playing and the penchant for eating fried squirrels. Only a black man who was president of the Harvard Law Review and a professor of international politics would have an "empty suit" narrative promoted about him in the media incessantly - and despite a website that goes into painstaking detail concerning all of the man's purposed policies, many are left to believe that he's all rhetorical touches and no substance. Barack Obama could publicly burn effigies of Louis Farrakhan to prove that he is in no way affiliated with the man and that still wouldn't be enough, but when John McCain is endorsed by John Hagee, a man who said that Hurricane Katrina was "the Judgement of God against New Orleans" and that the Quran contains a "mandate to kill Christians and Jews" - he is neither asked to reject nor denounce him.(By the way, one of George W Bush's biggest endorsers has been Pat Robertson who once claimed the 9/11 was caused by "pagans, abortionists, feminists, gays, lesbians, the American Civil Liberties Union and the People For the American Way." and that the acceptance of homosexuality could bring about "hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes, terrorist bombings and a "possibly a meteor." - Russert would have never had the "man minerals" to ask Dubya to denounce that certifiable kook) Then you have the Tony Rezko non-story that the media aggressively masturbates all over, the way they try to maintain a straight face while suggesting that the Shady business man might bring down Obama's candidacy is rather giggle-worthy - especially when you think about the rogues gallery of shady characters littered throughout the landscape of Hillary's past. I've also noticed the "Gotcha!" game the media has started playing with Obama supporters, starting with Chris Matthews as he turned an interview in which the Senator from Texas, Kirk Watson, thought he'd be asked about Obama's Wisconsin primary win - but he quickly found out he'd be put through the Spanish inquisition instead. Ever since then, opportunistic reporters exposing a journalistic laziness usually found on gossip blogs - find some unassuming Obama supporter and ask them to dictate Obama's Senate record back verbatim, clumsily awaiting a desired outcome that reminds you of Gerald Rivera in front of Al Capone's vaults.(I did my own unscientific poll of Clinton supporters this past Saturday where I asked them to list some of Hillary's achievements - deers in fucking headlights I tell you. Granted, I did pose my question in a local watering hole, that mostly the intellectually inept frequent, around "last call" - so the alcohol could have been a contributing factor)
Back to Tina. During the "Weekend Update" section of the show, under the title of "Women's News" - there was my baby, Tina Fey, and I just knew that she was lace me with the same sort of comedic gems I usually receive from a garden variety episode of "30 Rock". But unfortunately, in her support of Hillary that I have absolutely no problem with - she just perpetuated the same hamfisted talking points regularly used against Barack Obama, just with more subtlety. When she asked, "Why are people abandoning Hillary for Obama?", and then proceeded to list the possible reasons including a "co-presidency", her physical appearance, and people who think she is a "bitch" - it universally insulted the intelligence of the millions of Obama supporters who co-sign the junior Senator's candidacy for the highest office based on the issues. Then, when she ended the segment with "Bitch is the new black" I cringed, not because I couldn't see any scenario in which ornery and highly disagreeable ladies get a cab over your standard black person in New York City - but it just reminded me of how many times Hillary Clinton has shamelessly used the gender card. Whether it was the uncomfortable moment during the last debate when she referenced SNL and complained about always being questioned first, or her nightline appearance where she claimed that it was tougher being a woman running for president than a black man -for a second, just image the massive outrage and moral indignation if Obama ever decided to play the race card, even in a round about way.
Ok. Who am I bullshitting, nothing can suppress this chubby black man's affection for Tina Fey(unless she has a hidden affinity for Cross burnings or Lil Wayne albums that I don't know about) - I just wanted to let her know that I'm going to tell it like it is whenever we do get together.
Youtube politics(Vibe.com)

(Hat tip to Bob Cesca and Lee Stranahan)
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