Monday, March 17, 2008

A few things you probably didn't know about me

During a random phone conversation I was having with my mother the other day, out of nowhere she proclaimed, "You are by far my most secretive child!" - a claim that I found rather curious based on an online diary that I currently maintain where I admit to having an underdeveloped black penis, and a story about how I once ruined my chances of having sex with a bona fide porn star because I drunkenly pissed myself while taking a cat nap. Before I could provide a sufficient counter argument filled with examples of my blatant honesty, she said "I'm not talking about your habit of giving "Too much Information" - hell, when you were a baby, as soon as you'd take a shit you felt compelled to tell anyone you could find. I just get the feeling that there is so much that I don't know about you, that's all." How could I answer that? Especially considering that I have never made a concerted effort to shield my dear mother from my private life, so even though I patiently listened while she voiced her concerns that I didn't particularly agree with - I just chalked it up to her wanting to spend more time with her baby boy during the twilight of her life. But the funny thing is, as I found out a few days later - some of my closest friends find me oddly secretive as well. Sure, they'll admit that I have no problem breaking down in mind-numbing detail how one of my dalliances' genitalia was so "battle-tested" that I swore I got a glimpse of her kidneys - but over the years, they feel as if they'd like at least a peek at even some of my most irrelevant idiosyncrasies. So, here are 8 things that you probably didn't know about me.

1. This is going to sound weird, but I have a weird hatred for coupons - I can't explain, it, I guess it has something to do with my mother being a coupon Nazi when I was a kid. If someone I'm with attempts to pay for something with a coupon, or if I'm behind someone in line with one - every time, I can't help it, I let out a rather exhaustive "Jesus Fucking Christ!"

2. My impatience is getting ridiculous. Yesterday, as I stood in a checkout line behind a lady counting pennies along with three other customers - I just told the cashier to ring everyone's stuff on my bill so I could get the fuck out of that store faster. If I keep that shit up, I'm going to be homeless.

3. I don't care if it includes a cure for cancer, or the specific location where a million dollars in cold-hard-cash is buried - in a rather reflexive manner, I erase all forwarded emails that have ever been sent to me. My feelings on forwarded emails is akin to how I felt when my brother watched one of my porn tapes back in the day - it instantly loses that personal touch once someone else has laid their eyes on it.

4. For the longest time, I've had a thing for delivering rather obscure references - when my girlfriend was wearing an all black outfit with a black beret last week, I told her that she looked like "Monie Love in the "Ladies First" video". I once told a girl, after performing oral sex on her - that her vagina was as "grainy as the zepruder film." My girlfriend wants me to disassociate myself with a childhood friend who happens to currently have a career in street grade pharmaceuticals, I know she's right - but as she read me the riot act about said friendship, I said to her: "I love committing sins and my friends sell crack!"(Nas - "Represent") You get the idea.

5. One thing that scares me, almost as much as being subjected to a Lil Wayne album or being on the business end of a prison rape - is seeing someone that I "kind of" know and engaging in small talk. I absolutely hate it, I can't tell you how many times I've exhibited ninja-like nimbleness just so some asshat that I casually know wouldn't bombard me with a time wasting conversation that goes absolutely nowhere. But when I am caught, I'm cordial for the first few fleeting moments - but I usually wrap it up with "Listen, I don't give a fuck about you and I'm sure that the feeling is mutual - lets unburden ourselves and move on. Shall we?"

6. One of the reasons why I'll never buy a handgun, outside of the fact that having a quick temper could complicate such a purchase - is that I have historically been an excellent shot. Whether it was a kid, visiting my Aunt in South Carolina, me and my father shooting cans in a deserted field - or my recent trips to the firing range with my cop friend, I'm starting to think that I missed my calling.

7. This is petty I know, but I tend to judge people based on the music they like. It doesn't matter if the person in question was a political science major who then went on to become an elected official - if that person even casually tells me that they are a Jim Jones fan, any argument they have from that point on about politics comes out sounding like Charlie Brown's teacher.

8. Not only do I vehemently reject wearing flip-flops, I denounce any fellow member of the male species who takes it upon themselves to wear the virtually soul-less footwear. I don't know what it is, some sort of mental block or something - but men wearing flip-flops seems morally wrong to me in the same way that having impure thoughts about a nun and going home and masturbating to the mental image you have of her in your head after you get home from school is wrong. Wait a minute, I've done that. Shit, I'm going to hell.


Sara said...

I recently stumbled on your blog and have been enjoying it immensely. I feel you are my kindred spirit, especially today. I have also been accused in one breath of giving WAY too much information and of being secretive.

Keep on keeping on.

Amadeo said...

I hate people trying to sell me their CD on the street. "I've never heard of you and I'm glad you think that's the real Hip Hop...but get the hell away from me."

BLESSD1 said...

Dude, I'm a musical snob in the same vein that you are. People who like music that I detest can no longer have a valid point to me. It's almost like finding out that a girl you like has slept with a bum; you say, " slept with him?", and you're then unable to find her attractive any more. The same thing for my musical tastes. Your liking Jim Jones is the equivalent of eating a footlong turd in a bun dressed like a hot-dog.

The Jaded NYer said...

Oh please please please spread the word to all your guy friends that flip-flops on a man is NOT the move!

(loved this post!)

Nas Dawud said...

I'm glad I didn't have Flip-Flops on when I ran into you at Illiterate and Cornbreads show back November.
Just to let you know you advice did not go unnoticed I have a blog back up. Come by and check it out.


lou911 said...

I guess everyone isn't able to read between the lines.

That list was on point.

Xcentric Pryncess said...

lol...there is something very gay about a guy in flip-flops, all I can do is look at this funny shaped

You can usually tell how someone is by there musical tastes...for instance, the people I know who like and buy Beyonce are very surface people...they also like Mariah..the people who like ATCQ and Donnie Hathaway are my kind of folk...and if you don't know what the acronym stands are clearly a Beyonce fan.

ingridspeak said...

I am somewhat of a lurker here on your blog. I read often and chuckle to myself, but this time I laughed out loud!
You are not alone. I cringe at coupons, I am impatience to the point of purchasing other peoples items, I am a music snob, I despise men who wear flip-flops or crocs, obscure references get me odd looks as well, and I hate small talk with people I only kinda remember. With all that in common maybe you should give me a few sharp shooter lessons. I always wanted to learn to shoot accurately.

Have a great day!

jalishouse said...

I'm another musical snob. This is bad, but I'll confess it: if a guy has Gospel music in the background of his voice mail message I will Nevah - evahevahevahevah call again. If an old dude will only play the hit parade of 1970 I'll never ride with him again. If anyone I know owns a Lil Wayne album - man, they're dead to me. I met a nice dude who had a song by Beyonce as his ring tone - oh, hells naw - I thought he was cool until I heard the ring.

I like the white sock black slip on look - I don't like toe thongs on guys - yuccky.

wynsters the tigress said...

HC, you never disappoint...

The Humanity Critic said...

@ anon:

I must have once c-c-c-came inside of you. :)

Lee Coles said...

I didn't know you were going to hell.