Friday, July 18, 2008

My Unsolicited Campaign Advice to Team Obama(Week 1) (Vibe)

(Obama campaign Manager David Plouffe pictured)
A long time ago, in a galaxy strikingly similar to the one in which we already live, your favorite blogger had a pesky habit of forcefully rejecting the concept of monogamy the same way a transplant patients body rejects a bad organ. Don't get me wrong, I'm not particularly proud of it now, but back when I had an unobstructed view of my penis and I didn't perspire when I ate, my favorite pastime was effortlessly juggling three or four girlfriends at a time. Reflecting back on that period of my life, I'm not only amazed that a career germaphobe like myself was able to perform so many deviant acts with so many lovers without scrubbing myself with an SOS pad while drinking bleach, but the effort it took to maintain such a blanket betrayal took a great deal of strategizing on my part. Of course I avoided the obvious pitfalls that has been the downfall of so many scumbag boyfriends that came before me, making sure that I wined and dined each woman at different restaurants and venues, never introducing her to any of my friends, meeting as few of her friends as humanly possible, making sure that each woman resided in different towns and had conflicting interests. You get the drill. But when I think about how I avoided being photographed(its a small world, and the last thing you need is some overzealous girlfriend showing your picture to some co-worker who may be friends with a woman you "know" in the biblical sense) and the elaborate John Grisham-esque backstories that I created about myself that explained away any unaccounted for time( having a sick relative that sporadically depended on my care, or a fictitious studio job that kept me away at all hours of the night. Shit like that) But at the end of the day it simply wasn't worth it, maintaining so many facades in the name of booty variety can consume you and became a full time job, and you get reminded of what a smoldering piece of shit you are every time you get caught and witness the agony your betrayal has caused.(Don't worry ladies, Karma has given me the proper commuppance, for almost ten years I kept falling for soul crushing women who treated my existence as a mere afterthought)

That salacious part of my life particularly comes to mind whenever I think about Barack Obama's campaign, and how I've come to the conclusion that I would be one of their most valuable strategists if only they asked. Listen, if a chubby pre-ejaculator had the ability to successfully bamboozle a handful of otherwise intelligent women all at the same time, I'm sure that I could influence the opinions of a nation rife with dumbasses - um, I mean "Low Information Voters". Here is my unsolicited Campaign advice for Barack Obama.

Obama vs The Media: Despite Hillary Clinton's hamfistedly clumsy campaign, one area in which I felt she constantly outclassed Obama was her ability to successfully set the media narrative at every turn. Aggressive and on-message campaign surrogates had everyone from the miscellaneous reporter to bloviating political pundits willfully regurgitating blatant falsehoods, like her "18 Million votes" bullshit, or their habit of actually tallying Florida and Michigan with other legitimate states in their pledged delegate counts. Listen, I'm a proud Obama supporter who thinks that the junior senator from Illinois ran a brilliant campaign and has earned his status as the Democratic Nominee, but we may be in a very different place if Hillary didn't change her campaign message every third day or if her camp actually had a post Super Tuesday strategy. With John McCain as his opponent now, its even more important than ever that he controls the media narrative, I had Clinton Campaign flashback last week when John McCain and his evil minions had the media buying into an Obama flip-flop on Iraq that never took place. Watching the coverage of this historic election, with a great deal of time spent nitpicking inane aspects of every Obama campaign move, I realized that this election isn't Barack Obama versus John McCain. Its solely a referendum on Barack Obama, his main rival in his quest for the White House being the media. From now until inauguration day, the Obama campaign needs to take the only respectable page to be had from the Clinton campaign, exhibit a combination of message discipline and only send out effective campaign surrogates who gleefully embrace the concept of repetition. Aggressively challenge phony media narratives, even show the same combativeness that Hillary's campaign showed every time they felt that some new person got out of line.(See David Shuster) Sure, John McCain is the Republican Nominee, and Obama has to prove to Americans that he is better suited to run the country. But make no mistake, the media is a more formidable opponent to Obama than John McCain is.


SoundOff said...

How do you build readership to your blogs? another good entry!

MrsGrapevine said...

First: You are an amazing writer, who conquers wit and satire. I laughed so much that I couldn't get through the article.

Second: My husband and I were just talking about Hillary's ability to woo the media back in her favor, unlike John McCain. We talked about the famous "Shame on you Barack Obama," a desperate ploy to gain attention that worked and pivoted the momentum in her direction. If only John McCain could juggle, then he too could become the media's darling.

Anonymous said...

Dude you gettin real soft in the ass since you got in a relationship i havent heard about a random throat in months