For Christs sake, Barack Obama is not Bagger Vance(Vibe Throwback)

Despite the fact that I'm spending this holiday season alone, perusing Craigslist with the sole purpose of finding some low self esteem having young lady with Daddy issues to share the ole Christmas "yule log" with - I'm constantly amazed at how many pieces of serviceable ass I've squandered just because I found their tastes to be utterly reprehensible. Like the Hawaiian woman that I went out with a couple of months back - she was absolutely stunning, had a well manicured backyard that made you want to go run out and show your loved ones like it was a newborn child and shit, a chick definitely above my respective pay-grade. I mean, she was the type of woman who's visage you'd masturbate to even if you happened to be her boyfriend at the time. But for some reason she seemed to really like my chubby blogging ass by the way she giggled at all my jokes and manufactured reasons to touch my hand even during the most pedestrian of conversations. So you can just imagine how much it pained me to hear her wax poetic about some wack music-making motherfucker named Plies over dinner, because right then and there I knew that transgressions of that magnitude would prevent me from exhibiting my trademark creepiness - like beating off to the sight of her naked body while she sleeps - smelling her underwear when she wasn't around - telling her to "lay me" right before we had sex, no matter how corny and culturally insensitive it was. Things of that nature. But nothing bewilders the mind like the way I mercilessly cut off all communication to a cuddle buddy that has been at my every beck and call for the better part of two decades.

What I would characterize to be the gold standard when it comes to booty calls, an extremely kind woman who kept her doors open to a degenerate bastard like myself whenever I happened to be between girlfriends - from the early days of the Clinton administration to the 2006 midterm elections - I find myself missing her readily available companionship during these cold winter nights.(Sometimes, when I happen to drive by her area, I sob uncontrollably. But that's neither here nor there) But unfortunately I had to let her go, its simple as that - even though she would go beyond the call of duty and accept my early morning phone calls that would lead to drunken groping and pre-ejaculatory sex, she suddenly started to commit a sin that I found to be a rather hell-worthy trespass. She would play those god-awful Tyler Perry church plays every Sunday morning like clockwork. Nothing erases a dirty post-coital glow like bad dialogue filled with cliched story-lines and knuckle-dragging stereotypes. Even though I was well aware of the fact that I'd be abandoning the only woman on the face of the earth that would put up with my alcoholism and penchant for late penetration, it was a better alternative than slitting my wrists and bleeding out all over her new carpet.(Hearing one too many "Lord, who in the hell ate the last piece of chicken?" diatribes really makes any self respecting writer question his reason for living.)

Despite the fact that I've voted Democrat for as long as I could vote, I suddenly get the same knee jerk inclination to cavalierly abandon the party I've been loyal to for all these years. Maybe I'll create my own political outfit where a love for Asian midget pornography and random acts of violence would be my platform, solely in response to the members of my own party who have been acting like whining malcontents ever since Barack Obama went from being a Senator to President-Elect. The constant sniping and faux outraged exhibited over Obama's cabinet appointments of all things immediately made me think of the "Magical Negro" theory(Not the latest example of racism from that elephantine, drug addicted piece of shit Rush Limbaugh) - the supporting black character commonly used in movies who gets the white protagonist out of trouble via some sort of magical power or great insight.(See "The Green Mile" - "The Legend of Bagger Vance" - Guy Torry's character in "American History X") Listen, we shouldn't give Barack Obama any sort of blank check, its our duty as American citizens to make our elected official accountable. But the mere fact that the man hasn't even been sworn in yet and we're already getting bombarded with a cacophony of sad sighs from his supporters makes this writer think that a certain group of Americans thought that Barack Obama could extract illnesses out of people just by touching them.

Unfortunately the same "Caveat Journalism" that plagued Barack Obama during the Primaries - "There's no question that Barack Obama doesn't share his views, but Jeremiah Wright was his pastor for all those years.." - "We all know that Obama abhors the actions of William Ayers, but they did serve on a board together and were neighbors!" - said exhibit of flimsy journalism continues to follow him with this Blagojevich scandal. Patrick Fitzgerald articulated in that first press conference that Team Obama wasn't a target of his investigation, and every piece of information that we've received since then proves as much. But somehow the Blagojevich scandal is really "plaguing" Barack Obama according to the media on the strength that he shares a state with the corrupt Governor and a possible conversation that his soon to be Chief of Staff may have had with him. The press unfortunately was under the misconception that Barack Obama had the ability to convert hate-filled skinheads into compassionate members of our society.

But what has both angered me and reminded me of the "Magical Negro" theory as of late has been the recent faux flap over Barack Obama tapping Reverend Rick Warren to give the invocation at his inauguration ceremony. Its not like the gay community doesn't have a legitimate gripe concerning Warren, they do, comparing gay marriage to incest is both reprehensible and indefensible. That's a pretty easy call to make. Its just the level of outrage that I can't seem to get my dreadlocked head around. If it wasn't Hillary Rosen's display of histrionic hand-wringing on CNN two weeks ago, that unintentionally hysterical article written by Ann Coulter fan John Cloud that proceeds to call Obama a "bigot" because he doesn't support gay marriage(The only candidates that supported gay marriage in the Dem Primaries were Mike Gravel and Dennis Kucinich you fucking mouth breathing douchebag) - it was a eye-rolling, mellow dramatic attempts at journalism by actor Alan Cumming. Looking at the three examples that I provided and what they have in common, I have a respectful request for the gay community - "Will you please stop equating your legitimate struggle for marriage equality with the Civil Rights Movement?" Seriously, cut that shit out - you already had me at equality, you lose me when you force me to think about Jim Crow, "colored" water fountains, Brown v. Board of Education, and "The Scottsboro Boys". Now that we have a black president it seems that employing said tactic has become unfortunately predictable, like the "dick and fart" jokes a comedian tells at a frat or the career moves of Mo'Nique.

Again, I'm not saying that the Rick Warren complaints are unwarranted, I'm just amazed at the piercing decibel level of outrage coming from the offended parties, mixed with yawn inducing sentimentality disguised as journalism. Like this Richard Cohen article where proceeds to tell his readers that his openly gay sister cancelled her inauguration party solely because Warren would be giving in invocation. Fair enough. But where is the consistency? Why wasn't his sister pissed when Obama, along with 7 other Democratic candidates for President, refused to support gay marriage as well? When Obama spoke at Saddleback, or when he appeared at that religious forum with John McCain? I'm just saying, it makes me think that a group of voters thought that Barack Obama was going to miraculously improve their fucking golf game or something..