Not for nothing, but I'd bet you dollar to donuts that if some mysterious, black suited stranger happened to emerge out of thin air to show my 17 year old self a video montage of what I'd be doing circa 2009 - I'd probably break down right then and there, rendering myself utterly inconsolable in my cross-colors attire. I mean, I always figured that I'd have a considerably different life by now - 3.5 kids, having some job I loathed that required me to carry a briefcase, stolen moments with my wife where the both of us play 80's era Hip Hop and reminisce while the kids are fast asleep on some new millennium "Cosby Show" shit. Alphabetizing my extensive pornography collection, penetrating women that I hardly know in the backseat of my muscle car while wearing three condoms, beating assassination fantasy enthusiasts senseless thus resulting in me being barred from the 3rd watering hole in four months - these aren't exactly the type of things that I thought I'd be putting on my resume at the advanced age of 35. Anyway, speaking of inbred bastards who happened to be on the business end of a beating for wishing the President-Elect harm - I thought I'd begin to wrap up my blog series "4/Days/4 People I've assaulted in Barack Obamaan>'s Name".(Here are the first two installments) Granted, I'm cheating since this happened post-election - but fuck it. Again, hattip to Lee Stranahan.
Dispatched Asshole #2:Don't get it twisted, I don't have it in for all republicans. Even though I live amongst a rogues gallery of social knuckle-draggers and a stones through away from Pat Robertson's residence, I've engaged in enough debates with republicans to know that a respectful disagreement on public policy is indeed possible. I was certain that the young man who I assaulted with reckless abandon the other night belonged to said group, based on the reasonable conversations that we've historically had about politics. He voted for Bush twice, was a John McCain supporter who seemed to have more of a crush on Sarah Palin than an actual belief that she could govern responsibly - but there was never any Pat Buchanan in his rhetoric, and he didn't seem to subscribe to the Karl Rove school of politics. He seemed like a pretty decent guy, that was until Barack Obama was actually elected president that is.
Actually I hadn't seen him since one of the last debates, so when he walked into one of the only bars in the area that I wasn't banned from I just knew that we would wax poetic about the presidential road bumps that Barack Obama would face in a rather peaceful, bi-partisan fashion. Instead, I got a bunch of "I have a feeling he'll get assassinated in his first term" rhetoric - so, since I know many well intentioned people who love Obama that share that same sort of fatalism, I took it as such. So I proceeded to tell him what I've told many civil rights era black folks concerned with Obama's safety over the last year, that the security around him is tighter than nun vagina - and that secret service precautions that I've read about have put a naturally paranoid soul like me at ease. That's when he got strange, uttering something like "..but if a person is crazy enough and doesn't care about dying, they can certainly get to him!" I was calmly persistent, but added a little bit of asshole seasoning to my response since I got the inkling that he wouldn't let go off this rather uncomfortable topic: "Being crazy just means that a mentally unstable person will be the one, quoting Biggie, who will get "swiss cheesed up" if they get within a square mile of Obama! I'm not worried." Unfortunately, that's when he revealed himself to be the piece of shit that he really was, basically hinting that he hoped that our 44th President would be snatched from the mortal coil in a rather untimely fashion. He commonly sprinkled the words "It will be a sad day" on top of his demented shit sandwich of hate that he was offering me, and I didn't know whether to beat him because of it or to beat him because he belonged to a long list of racists who somehow felt the need to confide their racism to me. So while he was talking, I grabbed his plate with two slices of pizzas still on it and attempted to smother that motherfucker to death. It must have looked comical to the people in the bar because everyone laughed at first, but as I continued to neglect him of air while crushing his ribcage with punishing knee strikes - it was apparent to everyone in eyeshot that entertaining strangers wasn't particularly on my agenda.(Unless they have a strange thing for dead assholes) Anyway, a bunch of guys pulled me off of him while he screamed something silly like "He's trying to kill me!!" - an accusation that was quickly interrupted by me running over and headbutting that bastard as hard as humanly possible. That's when the bouncers physically carried me out of the club as I screamed "You're nothing but talk and a badge. You're nothing but talk and a badge!"("Untouchables" reference) Oh well, another day another bar that I'm banned from. In some alternate universe somewhere my 17 year old self is shaking his head in disgust.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
You know, I never know that a short video snippet of a song could invoke so much anger. See, I've been giving a good friend of mine some well deserved shit because what was once his impeccable taste in music has now regressed to something pretty unrecognizable to a music snob like myself. But he is one of the only friends that I have left, and I love the guy like a brother - so I thought it would be best for me to just look the other way as he poisoned his ears with music that I feel is truly beneath him. I mean, I know that its only music, but my silent consent over the past months was akin to me ignoring a friend's deadly heroin addiction just so I wouldn't make waves. Anyway, I very innocently sent him this clip with the message - "This is real Hip Hop in case you didn't know." I didn't mean it as some sort of taunt, just a public declaration to a friend that Blu is what I consider to be a true MC. That is when he sent me a blistering screed about me being stuck in the past and not readjusting my tastes for the new Millennium. After re-reading the message twenty times, he simply re-affirmed something that I've quietly believed for some time now - that I'm stuck in some Hip Hop version of "Invasion of the Bodysnatchers" where all my friends' tastes in quality music is replaced with melodic autonomous mindlessness. Even though he was right there beside me as I held my Adidas in the air at a Run DMC concert in 1987, he now unfortunately has the misguided notion that Lil Wayne is the greatest rapper that ever lived. I have a friend named Jean who was the biggest Hip Hop fan imaginable when we were growing up, we went to a Whodini show together and we were part of the same breakdance crew - so why on the fuck is a Plies song on her myspace page. My cousin, the person who introduced me to the sounds of EPMD and Big Daddy Kane - currently has a fucking Rick Ross song as his ringtone. I give up.
Jsmooth is definitely on point with this video. Coming from a guy who has championed senseless violence for as long as I can remember, its really saying something if even I feel that the fuckery between Joe Budden and Randsom was getting out of hand. That said, and I'm not trying to give anyone any ideas here - but if someone went beyond the call of duty and not only smacked a civilian but said innocent party was my brother, I'd have to respectfully ignore Joe Budden's peace treaty and beat seven shades of shit off of the aforementioned slaphappy coward. But then again that's just me, the asshole.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
I know that I'm a few days late with this, but I just had to weigh in - especially since my gut reaction to George W Bush almost getting brained by a couple of shoes runs so counter to what everyone else that I know feels about the incident. I mean, for the last eight years I've ranted and raved to the high heavens about Bush's corrupt presidency like everybody else - so much in fact that when John Kerry(A candidate that I wasn't too excited about) lost to Bush, I physically couldn't get myself out of bed for about a week. The last thing you'd expect from someone who wished him both impeachment and to be charged with war crimes is sympathy, but that's exactly the emotion I felt as I saw two shoes go buzzing by our current president's dome. I mean, the guy is the fucking Barney Fife of Commanders in Chief's and I want him evicted from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue as soon as humanly possible - but I just find that sort of blatant disrespect hard to applaud. Yes, Bush is a pair of tits and I hope that the history books see him the same way - but the guy is leaving soon and his approval ratings are in the toilet. That particular display was like seeing a clearly beaten man get kicked in the face by a random bystander, enough. That being said, lets just hope the Secret Service pulls their collective heads out of their asses and reacts to situations faster when Obama is the President. Jesus Christ.
Friday, December 05, 2008
Listen, I like Campbell Brown, she really seems to be finding her voice on a cable news channel littered with utterly forgettable personalities that I couldn't pick out a police line-up. More times than not I found myself nodding in agreement as she articulated something that I may have thought about a thousand times before - but she completely missed the mark here. Since last weeks press conference where President-Elect Obama named Hillary Clinton Secretary Of State, the media seemed awkwardly obsessed with the fact that Obama quickly diffused a question concerning the contemptuous rhetoric between him and Hillary during the primary season - an obsession Ms. Brown obviously shares. The clueless petulance of the press in this case is rather giggle-worthy, "How dare he cavalierly disregard a question solely intended to cause him public discomfort?!!" Are you fucking kidding me? The same way its the media's job to ask fair and penetrating questions about a primary season that had our President-Elect constantly question the legitimacy of Hillary Clinton's foreign policy credentials, its also Obama's job to rather calmly brush that question off as if its a piece of lint on his black suit and keep it fucking moving. Ms. Brown's commentary is pretty transparent, she incorrectly characterizes Obama as annoyed when it is her who clearly feels that way. Jesus Christ, if this mild display of Obama's political jui jitsu is going to get her feathers ruffled in such a manner, I suggest that she invest in nothing but protective cups for the next 4 years.