My Top 5: Hip Hop Heartbreak

The other day I stumbled upon this complex.com post chronicling what they believe to be the 25 Greatest Hip Hop Love songs of all time and immediately thought two things: 1. I liked that post better the first time I read it, on this blog almost four years ago.(Don't worry, I'm not accusing anyone of idea jacking - no one reads this fucking blog.) and 2: I no longer see shamelessly pining for a woman with an overproduced track serving as the backdrop particularly a badge of courage any more. I mean, in a music that historically seemed like it was one testosterone injection away from overdose, with bravado being a damn near prerequisite to ever gripping a microphone - and add to that the rampant homophobia - it would seem to me that artists would arbitrarily do a love song just to put the Nike symbol next to the "I'm not gay" on their checklist. Not exactly worthy of a Purple Heart in my book. But what I have always thought was an exhibition of bravery was when an MC was willing to bare his soul and talk about the woman who had cavalierly decided to rip his beating heart out of his chest cavity. Maybe its because I'm a writer, an unrepentant introvert who finds hand holding and windy walks romantic when I'm not sodomizing strippers and finding fuck buddies off of craigslist, but these five odes to soul crushing harlots has always stuck with me.


Artist: Da King and I
Song: "Tears"
Album: Contemporary Jeep Music



5. Its one thing to play the sleuthy Hercule Poirot role when trying to figure out if your significant other is cheating through their unexplained absences, new sexual habits, and their sudden indifference to your fuck-ups - but its another thing to be blindsided when a friend informs you that he saw your lady with another man. I always appreciated how Izzy openly wondered how he would question her, and the careful analysis of her bullshit answer afterward. I've been there my friend.


Artist: Main Source:
Song: "Looking at the Front Door"
Album: Breaking Atoms



4. Ok, this isn't technically a song about about Heartbreak. But you have to admit, a guy screaming "You are mistreating me!" from the rafters in song form is a hell of a lot more ballsier than talking about a girlfriend who has a penchant for servicing other penises. Kudos Extra P.

Artist: O.C:
Song: "Ga Head"
Album: Word...Life



3. Nothing says you are secure in your manhood like openly admitting that your woman's sexual misadventures caused the emptying of tear ducts. This song pretty much explains the mindset of a lot of suspicious boyfriends, that if your significant other is indeed cheating, said behavior is undoubtedly encouraged by her good for nothing friend. But with one catch. Here the good for nothing friend is the person she's cheating with. Two girls fucking each other is sexy at bachelor parties or in porn, but it severely loses it luster when it invades your home. Sidebar: Five of my girlfriends went on to become card carrying lesbians. I took no creative license with that last statement.

Artist: Slick Rick:
Song: "Mistakes of a Woman in Love With Other Men"
Album: The Ruler's Back



2. Slick Rick is a Master Storyteller, everyone knows that, but the real brilliance of the English MC was always the relentlessly unflinching way he went about it. I mean, in "The Moment I Feared" he told a fictitious story of him getting forcibly sodomized in a correctional facility - who else does that kind of shit? This is far from my favorite Slick Rick song, but the melancholy dripping from the vocals has always haunted me - as if he actually recorded this song while being emotionally tortured by a lover's betrayal.

Artist: Onyx:
Song: "Da Nex Niguz"
Album: Bacdafucup



1. Vulgar. Crass. Crude. Misogynistic. Ladies I know, its all of that. I'm sure this wasn't the intent of Onyx, but I always loved this song because of how it mirrors the extent men will go to shield their true feelings from their friends. Acting as if a woman's cheating was old hat while dropping invective filled talking points about her is a staple of male friendships. Sorry ladies, its an ugly reality. This song also tackles another way men deal with cheating. When women get cheated on its about the betrayal, when men get cheated on its about the sexual act more than anything. Sure the betrayal part stings too but nowhere near the mental images of her gaining stretch marks around her mouth while servicing that new guy. Painful visual recreations of all the extra room she has acquired in her vagina by all the incessant pounding with a guy with surely a wrecking ball of a cock. Yes, men are excessively visual.