Sunday, February 07, 2010

No, my Dreadlocks literally drive women crazy..



It seems like a year doesn't go by without me chronicling people's unrepentant ignorance about my dreadlocks, either in the form of hamfistedly clumsy questions or extremely rude actions that would get most people flattened like Dixie Chicks CD's circa 2003. You'd think that after having my hair loc'd for 14 years that I'd be used to all the inartful statements and overall belligerence, but you'd be wrong about that my friend. Instead of my naive belief that the world would one day evolve and finally rid itself of the misconceptions surrounding dreadlocks, things have gotten progressively worse, like that undisciplined kid whose desperate need of a foot in the ass has turned him into an uncontrollable little shit. Not only do the offensive questions about my hair run rampant, women more times than not take it upon themselves to invade my personal space with reckless abandon in the name of curiosity. I mean, I like a woman to run her fingers though my hair like any other red blooded American male with a functioning penis and certifiable hetero street cred - but is it asking too much to seek my consent? "No means no" ladies! Also, before you think the blatant disrespect is coming from one particular ethic group, again you'd be wrong. It has been my experience that dumb shit either said or done to me because of my hair spans the racial spectrum like one of those Benetton commercials. Or people who unfortunately like Nicki Minaj. Or skinny jeans. You get the point.

Because I don't have a girlfriend who would take pleasure in easily dispatching the aforementioned offenders, I'm left to do what most artsy-fartsy writer types find themselves doing - venting a litany of frustrations through my potty-mouthed prose. Enjoy.

Tug of War: I laugh when I hear other folks who have dreadlocks complain about people asking to touch their hair as if that's some sort of hellworthy trespass - those complaints usually prompt me to inquire, "They actually ask you?" Ladies, I can never imagine what its like to have your personal space invaded just because some man lacked the necessary vocabulary to respectively compliment your breathtaking curvature. But after having my hair pulled as many times as I have, I can't say that I know what it feels like to be groped but I can at least emphasize with you. Whether its women who weren't accustomed to seeing hair of my texture, so their curiosity took over and they pulled my hair on some "look, shiny object!" toddler shit. Or the women I like to call "Dreadlock Birthers", a gang of ladies who explain their penchant for rude hair pulling as them failing to believe that all of my hair originated at my scalp - I always make sure to tell both sets of ladies that they would be on a strict jello and apple sauce diet if they were born a different gender.

I adore cancer kids, I swear: I can't tell you how many times some person looked at my flowing dreadlocked mane and asked, "Why don't you donate your hair to cancer kids?" Sure, if I ever decided to chop off all of my hair for a more aerodynamic look, "Locks of Love" would be the first place I decided to stop as soon as I left the barber shop. But the aforementioned question always tends to be seasoned with irritation, as if I'm a selfish bastard who is unaware that the sole reason for existence is to routinely be sheared like sheep for hair donation. Even though I always have utter contempt for the person who asks that question, I still give every dollar I can to cancer charities in case I turn out to be wrong on this issue.

Hey lady, I got something you can play with: This is a pretty new phenomenon, one that started about a year ago, but I've had women randomly come up to me and play with my hair. Check the wording. Not "play in my hair", a phrase that suggests an intimacy that leads to the exchange of bodily fluids and early morning snacking. I'm talking about "playing with my hair", like draping it over their head, making it an impromptu wig - or cavalierly whirling it around, the same way you'd do handle a jumprope. As amazing as someone doing that to a complete stranger may sound to you, the truly amazing part is how these women never seem to understand how incredibly fucked up they are being. I remember this one women seeing the grimace on my face after she twirled my hair around and asked, "Am I out of bounds here?" In which I responded, "Put it this way, I'm about to beat six shades of shit off of your boyfriend as punishment."

The Human Scratch and Sniff: A couple of days ago, as me and my homeboy watched a local band play, a woman decided to grab two great big handfuls of my hair and take one gigantic whiff. It was weird man. I didn't know if she was doing so because she had a thing for smelling dreadlocks, or if she wanted to reaffirm some misguided belief she had that all dreadlocks were dirty. I quickly got my answer when her head emerged from my dreadlocks with a look of astonishment, saying "Wow, your hair really, really smells good!!!" Its times like those where I'd usually have some crass but timely quip, some rhetorical take-down that I'd deliver with assassin like accuracy. But before the wheels in my head started turning, a woman that I know damn near gave her an atomic wedgie, pretended to smell her panties and then proceeded to say "Wow, your drawls really, really, smell like roadkill." My hero.

13 comments:

BLESSD1 said...

Six shades of shit...that's funny

Jada said...

I loved this, and although I am not loc'd yet, my 8yr old daughter is in the process. Kudos!! "...panties smell like road kill..." CLASSIC!!!

Brother OMi said...

they should give folks with locks a free "hand out a beat down" card each week just for this purpose...(i would thoroughly enjoy this since my wife can't fight and i would have to sub for her...)

The Pretty Brown Girl said...

I'm a veteran LocRocker (5yrs) and I deal with this way too often, from both women and men. It is just SO RUDE!! I just wanna drop kick folks sometimes.

Al said...

Enjoyed reading your post--and respect you for your courage to be who you are in spite of some people' misguided perceptions.

Anonymous said...

Smell your hair, what?

ListenToLeon.net said...

Hilarious. I get the curly-haired hair grabbers, but they pale in comparison to what you described! I love the phrase "six shades of shit" LOL

MynappyROOTS said...

Love it .. I thought you might like this link. Let's connect!

http://www.youtube.com/user/regikim#p/u/2/DcHWhDvCYE4

PE Westlake said...

A friend of mine spent his young adult years with incredibly long, black, eerily straight hair. It had a sheen you normally only get with film lighting. Women touched his hair constantly. When he was 20-something, it got him laid and he was happy. But the cloying eventually got to him. My favorite moment with him (I was always the other guy, not enough hair!) was in NOLA during Mardi Gras. While he was distracted by shouting encouragement to a nearly de-bloused co-ed on a balcony, a gaggle of hair-whores accosted his mane with utter rapt devotion. As this was making me queasy, I finally did something...

Me: "Hey, John. These chicks wanna f**k your hair."
Chicks (in unison): Yeah!!!

Check please!

PE Westlake said...

A friend of mine spent his young adult years with incredibly long, black, eerily straight hair. It had a sheen you normally only get with film lighting. Women touched his hair constantly. When he was 20-something, it got him laid and he was happy. But the cloying eventually got to him. My favorite moment with him (I was always the other guy, not enough hair!) was in NOLA during Mardi Gras. While he was distracted by shouting encouragement to a nearly de-bloused co-ed on a balcony, a gaggle of hair-whores accosted his mane with utter rapt devotion. As this was making me queasy, I finally did something...

Me: "Hey, John. These chicks wanna f**k your hair."
Chicks (in unison): Yeah!!!

Check please!

Maura Alia Badji said...

This had to be, quite seriously, one of the funniest pieces of yours I've read.

On a side note--I do not have dreads, and the only "ethnic" hairstyle I've ever sported was a misbegotten Afro circa 1977, yet the same Benetton Nation that plagues your locks, regularly launches guerilla attacks to cavort in my waves.

Forster said: "Only connect."
But this drive to touch folks' heads is beyond beyond.. Maybe it's a need for human-based tactile stimulation missing from our techno-driven age?

Nah.

It's lack of good home training. :)

dj_Shazam said...

whats crazy is since weezy grew his, the average dude that normally laughed at the hip hop heads/backpackers.... now in 2010 dreads have been rather fashionable as of late

Joanna said...

I have always loved locs on a man. I have this belief (these days not so accurate) that men with locs are more political, more intelligent, more "conscious". I told one of my friends (who has locs to his knees) this one day, and he just basically told me that my assumption does not hold water in this day and age when so many men are just trying to make a fashion statement.

Anyway, I was at a party one day, and I told this man that I loved his locs. He turned to me and asked "Do you want to feel them?" I had to laugh. First, I do not typically go around touching men's hair unless I am intimate with them. Second, I thought it was funny that he was assuming that I had had never touched locs before.