"To My Exes- Sorry About The VD" - Part 1

Sometimes inspiration comes from random places. Even though my chubby fingers have been working overtime, this time with writing projects and not masturbation(I'm lying, I'm quite the multi-tasker) - unfortunately I have neglected the one thing that has let people in on my pre-ejaculatory exploits and random acts of violence. This blog. It wasn't on purpose, it just became a rather taxing exercise to bare my soul without simply regurgitating old blog posts. But since I have stopped drinking, become obsessed with spreading my demon-seed now that I'm on the bullet train to 40, and destined to stop my fists from speaking before I do - its literally opened up a new world creatively. But before I reengaged the blog I needed a well deserved kick in the ass. Enter Mela Machinko, said inspiration. My long time internet buddy, sultry songstress with the voice of an angel, had a post on her blog entitled "To My Exes- Sorry About The VD". She got the idea from a Tucker Max message board, it basically chronicles what you would say today to all your ex's if you had the chance. Well, here goes, this is "Part 1" because the list of my relationship mea culpas are far too long for one post. PS. I don't have any venereal diseases, I'd fuck a virgin with three condoms while wearing riot gear if you left me up to my own devices.

CT: You were my very first girlfriend, real girlfriend that is, and you had my nose open like 80's era cocaine binges. Because I put everything in that relationship and it didn't work out, over the years I privately blamed you for my laissez faire stance on commitment. That was wrong and I was a coward to do so. Matter of fact, you were unfortunately a template for a lot of my hangups. But at the end of the day you weren't at fault at all, I was, you were just a convenient fall guy for my asshole behavior. My scumbag tendencies. What I remember about our relationship is that you were extremely sweet, and I always promised myself that I would put how you broke up with me in a book because of how caring and thoughtful it was. Despite my misplaced anger I always appreciated that. I'm glad that you are now married with beautiful children. By the way, you aren't the only ex that got married after dating me - I'm beginning to think the movie "Good luck Chuck" is based on me. "Based" I said, that flick was quite the shit sandwich.

DT: You always thought that I was being respectful of your wishes by not rushing you into sex. That wasn't it at all. I was just self aware enough to know that an insufferable asshole taking someones virginity could leave an emotional scare that lasts a lifetime. But I took your virginity anyway and indeed proceeded to treat you like the 50th thing on my priority list. That is still one of my greatest regrets, along with that rodent I took to Prom and the petri dish of a stripper I had no business fucking in Las Vegas. I digress. You were everything a guy could want: Smart, funny, beautiful, and you loved my clumsy ass to death - but I pissed it all away only because a relationship to me at that time was nothing more than a figurative straight jacket on a free spirit such as myself. Man was I on some bullshit. After we lost touch for the better part of a decade, I was deathly afraid that I had soured you on relationships, turned you into a unrepentant cynic, or a lesbian.(Don't laugh. 5 ex's are now lesbians) But I was happy to find out after we connected via facebook that my concerns were unfounded. I just hope that some decent guy sees you for the treasure that you are.


SR: What can I say, you turned my feeble world upside down like any 29 year old should to a 17 year old. You taught me things that I didn't know existed, discovering new sexual worlds even though I wasn't planting any flags anywhere. To me, at that time, I may as well been fucking that blue Avatar broad. Sure, you weren't a girlfriend, you were just some lady my parents gave a room to for a year - but if I've ever pleased a woman in the slightest in my sexually underachieving lifetime its all because of you. Every bit of it. While my friends were struggling with less than generous girlfriends, I got to tell "..and then I took her from behind as she coked eggs" story. Sidebar: You are the reason why I still love the back of a woman's knee. I'm not trying to overstate this but you continue to have an effect on me. Sometimes I'll have flashbacks like a war veteran of our sexual escapades that happened over 20 years ago. Brief whiffs of your perfume worn by some random woman always tend to stop me in my tracks. You always hear men who played under Vince Lombardi say that even today, years after the Hall of Fame Coach's death, they'll sometimes hear his voice of that he'll frequently appear in their dreams. Yes, you are my Vince Lombardi.