Thursday, December 30, 2004

"Lets Get Ready To RUUUMBLE!!!" How I got a Girl Beat the Fuck up!

I have come to realize ever since my 21st birthday that I am everyone's "Bar Buddy". Let me explain: For some reason I am a guy that people feel compelled to talk to in a bar. I can't begin to tell you how many strangers in bars have started just unloading their deepest secrets upon me. I don't know what it is, but I guess I have one of those faces.

Anyway, there is a neighborhood bar that I go to, not because it is a particularly good bar, but because it is close to my house and the fear of me getting a D.U.I. decreases greatly.(I have come to understand from women that I've dated that my butt is rather pleasing to the eye, but having such a attribute makes a straight brother want to avoid jail at all cost.)

Around the election time I was in my local watering hole talking about politics with some republican asshole, but what stuck out about the confrontation was that his girlfriend was by his side really getting mad at me. She kept spouting out typical right wing idiocies(i.e John Kerry is a pussy/ Bush will make us safer/Bush is taking care of those sand niggers!) "Sand Niggers?" I said. I proceeded in calling her a racist piece of shit and telling the gentlemen I was having the original conversation with that he should proceed and "put a leash on his bitch." I just knew that he would take offense but I guess he realized the ignorant things that came from his girlfriends mouth and began apologizing for her. I shook his hand, and that was that.

Since then I have seen(her name is Chrissy) Chrissy a few times and each time she gives me the ice grill like she wants to kill me. I usually ignore her and go about my business. That was until Christmas Night!

Let me introduce Suzy to you: Suzy is one of those "bar buddies" that I have known for quite a while now. Suzy is a 35 year old Latina women who thinks she's 20. I swear, 95% of our conversations have something to do with her "beating some bitch's ass". The other 5% of our conversations are about her bi-sexuality, and how many more chicks she could get than me. She's a bunch of laughs, but when she gets hammered she becomes belligerent.

Apparently, Chrissy and Suzie had exchanged words earlier in the evening. Suzy came over to me and said, "HumanityCritic, that bitch don't know me!! She's lucky I'm trying to be good!"

(Suddenly a devil appeared on my shoulder)

Devil: Hey Critic, why don't you gas up Suzy so she goes over there and punch that bitch in the face?? She called Iraqi's "sand Niggers" for Christ sakes! Plus, she has been grilling you for months!!

Me: But I'm 31 devil, isn't that Immature?? I have made efforts to grow as a man, wouldn't instigating a fight undermine that growth??

(HumanityCritic waits for a Angel to appear on his other shoulder, but a second devil appears)

Devil #2: Did you expect a Angel to pop up?? Hell, didn't you know that after a few drinks that motherfucker is A.W.O.L?? I agree with my devil brethren, lets all get that Bush loving racist beat the fuck up!!

"HumanityCritic!!, you are zoning out!!", Suzy said. "My Bad" I replied, "What were you saying again??" She then proceeded in telling me how Chrissy bumped her and called her a bitch, and that Chrissy was lucky the she didn't smack her. Then I said, "That girl has a history of disrespecting people in here". I went on and said, "Yeah, last week she got into it with this puertorican girl and said that all Latina girls were sluts! Suzy replied, "No that bitch didn't, No she didn't!" "Yep" I replied, "There is something else I want to tell you but, ahh forget it". "What", she said, "Tell me!!" I paused for a second, trying to search for that Angel to pop on my shoulder and stop me, but it was apparent that his ass wasn't showing up. Knowing that I was going to be disappointed with myself later, I told Suzy, "Last week your ex was here and she was trying to get with him. All over that dude." I knew that I had lit the fuse, but the funny thing about my plot to get that girls ass kicked was that I didn't really lie that much. Chrissy did get into it with a puertorican girl before and called her a slut(I exaggerated that story no less, but not that much) and she DID try to hit on her ex boyfriend..

Suzy, began taking her rings off, I knew it was on. She walked over to the girl who had referred to Iraqi's as "sand Niggers" a few months before and belted her in the face.(**POW!!**) "Ohh Shit!!" I yelled out. Drinks were flying, Suzy was beating the brakes off this girl. The bouncer quickly pulled Suzy off the girl, and escorted Suzy out. There wasn't any cop involvement so I was happy about that. Minutes later Chrissy sat down and asked anyone that listened, "Did any of you see me beat that bitch's ass?" I said, "I witnessed you getting your ass BEAT! Next time, try not to block so many punches with your face."

Looking back, like many of my impulsive decisions in my life, I felt bad that I instigated that altercation.

(angel appears)

Angel: What have you done?

Me: Now you show up?? Where was your ass an hour ago?

Angel: Did you not learn anything from your boy dying in a club altercation a couple of months ago..

Me: I know, I know..Shit

Angel: But I know it felt good to see that racist piece of trash be on the business end of a beating, huh??

Me: Yeah, it felt pretty good..

30 comments:

Yolie said...

ROFLMBAO, SROFLMBAO (Still), SGBROFLMBAO (Still Gon' Be) . . .

Jdid said...

instigator!! lol

mhe said...

First and foremost, any racist crap-biscuit needs to get their face mauled. True story. I'm a big cracker, but anytime I'm at a bar or show and I hear some racist flappin their gums, I say something. Thankfully it usually doesn't end up in altercations because I am large and usually have a host of other large people with me. They just shut up or leave.

Second, never trust the Angel when you need him. A couple sips of booze and he is toasted and won't show up. He's a bitch.

Kenya said...

Lol!!! Hope you had a happy new year HC!

8ZERO8 said...

Awesome! Screw that angel. Bad things should happen to bad people.

E to the dwige said...

Great post!

IL Lake Effect said...

HC,

Thats good stuff, I'm still getting a visual. We trust "everyone", just not the devil inside them.
You'll feel better, eventually, no matter who you listen to.

S.S. Dot Carter said...

"Put a leash on his bitch." I'm going to have to use that one in the future....lmao! Happy New Year!

James of Hot Blog and Relish.com said...

I loved that story even though I despise violence, sometimes it's satisfying to know that some ignorant right-winger can get their pie-hole shut for a minute! And I love the name of your blog. The other blog in the same genre for titles I ran across is called "Niggerplease.com", written by a sister-girl.

Feel free to add me to your links- I'm adding your blog today.
Happy new year!

SunShyn said...

U.Wrong.4.That...but it sounded like that witch needed a good ass-kickin...Happy New Year HC...

Phareal said...

LOL!!! Hey karma aint not joke (named Suzy apparently). I woulda provoked it too...especially after a few drinks-shiiiiiiiiit.

Zantiferous3 said...

Wow...I'm still stuck on her saying "Sand Niggers" in YOUR presence. Woooowww.... I think I would have slapped her my damn self... because, though I am 34, I, like Suzy, am not above slapping a bitch. LOL Like Angela Means (the comedienne for like 5 minutes)said, "Don't let the light skin fool you!!" LOL... I will smack a hoe.

And PS - I'm SO mad at the devil, devil, commentary. ROFLMAO... as usual, you're hilarious. =)

B.E.G said...

I would have done the same thing.....that b**ch needed a good ass kickin. Happy New Year!

Anonymous said...

Happy New Year!

Keep bringing your wild-ass rants and insightful views on hip-hop/pop culture.

Great blog!

Peace to you.

Trent
[http://beatsandrants.blogs.com]

Mary said...

The Angel was probably off getting laid. Stupid Angels, never around when you need them.

I'm still laughing at "Next time, try not to block so many punches with your face." Too funny!

Safire said...

You got skills, dawg. Back in the day, I tried to get these two dudes to fight over me by telling one (my ex) that the other (my current) said he shorted him on a dime sack. They had words (weed men are prideful as fuck about their product), but they didn't scrap out. I wish my ex would have taken my current to task, though. Wait... I think maybe I was pulling, at that point, for my current. Yeah, that was before the other girls, paternity tests, and whatnot. Anyway, good to know there's still some shameless, go-for-the gusto instigators in the world... Besides G-Dub (George W. Bush, not some rapper that started shit at the VIBE Awards), that is.

Apocalypse said...

sometimes you just have to let the 15 year old in you come out. hahahhhahahahahaha!

gonebabygone said...

LOL....you're bad but smart. Everyone knows to have a saucy latina as a friend. Most people fear us because of our unexpected rage pent up inside a body that people think couldn't hurt a fly. It's our secret weapon. mwahahahahahah! Oh the stories I could tell you. I swear, the temper is genetic.

Kokito said...

Hola, no hablo el ingles muy bien, pero gracias por visitar mi blogspot. Feliz Año nuevo para ti también.
Hasta pronto!

R. Rochelle said...

That was hilarious. Wrong, but hilarious.

Stoney said...

Great Blog! Very funny post. I have to go with another comment, KARMA ain't no joke. The devil/angel dialogue was priceless.

G. Cornelius Harris said...

*Shaking My Head*
I'll keep you posted

FaVoRiTE NigHTmARe said...

and that's what's REALLY up! this was the best post I read all day.

James of Hot Blog and Relish.com said...

Happy De-lurking Day!

obifromsouthlondon said...

sand niggers hate us/thug niggas protect us/at the end of the night racist honies wanna sex us.

josie said...

what a christmas present that girl got!

introspectre said...

That was maybe a touch too much instigating for my taste, but the end result was gratifying. Was it the right thing to do? Apparently not. The girl was still cocky. Obviously, she needed a far worse beating then she got.
(wink!)

Z.sais said...

you should be righting
screenplays,good stuff.

SooHK said...

A great piece!

The Humanity Critic said...

Hey anonymous, I know you probably won't come back here because I'm sure you are a pussy, but.. Lets say you tell me where you live, so I can drag your bitch ass out of your house and beat you within an inch of your inbred life..