Thursday, January 13, 2005

Dinner with Andre...and his pornstar Girlfriend

For the past month or so I have been getting these strange calls from a friend of mine named Andre. He was leaving these very cryptic messages like, "Dude, I have something to tell you. You're not going to believe it." Andre is a great guy with a good heart, but he, how can I put this?? He has a tendency to lie. For example, the first lie he told was when we were 16 and he said, "I'm serious, Rakim is my cousin!!." The second big lie he told me was when he said that he once dated Mary J. Blige. Another lie comes to mind, 1994 when he told me that he beat up his girlfriend's ex-boyfriend who was a Navy Seal.(Truth was that her ex wasn't a seal, but a rent-a-cop. Also, Andre didn't beat anyone up, the dude had a asthma attack..) The last big lie he told me was a few months ago when he said the girl he was dating had a friend who wanted to meet me. I asked him how she looked and he said, "Yo kid, She looks like Lauryn Hill!!" When I met her lets just say that the only resemblance to Lauryn Hill she had was that she was African American, that was about it..

But all in all Andre is a good guy, I just know to treat whatever he says with a grain of salt. Anyway, after receiving about 4 of his calls I decided to call him back. When I talked to him he told me that he was dating a porn star. As soon as I heard this I figured he was lying again, but for some reason I played along. "Really?? That's cool man!". He paused for a minute and said, "You don't believe me do you??" I chuckled and said, "Let me just say three names to put it in perspective..Rakim, Mary J. Blige, and Lauryn Hill!!" He swore he was serious and asked if I would join him and his new "girlfriend" for dinner. I obliged, thinking that when I got there he would make up some excuse like "she couldn't make it", or bring some random girl and claim that she did porn. I had no idea what I was getting into..

The restaurant was also a club, so when I got there I was welcomed to the sound of old school Hip Hop. It was obvious that I had either beaten them there, or he and his "girlfriend" were going to be a no-show. About a hour and 4 drinks later I have a serious buzz going. The DJ is playing Doug E Fresh, Big Daddy Kane, and other old school hits. At 31, even though I feel that I am old enough to be many of the club goer's, i don't know, extremely older brother, I go to the dance floor. It has been so long since I was on a dance floor that I kept on wanting to check my heart rate to see if I was OK. This young lady starts dancing in front of me, I kept on expecting her to call me "gramps". We're making eye contact, "she's cute" I thought as we danced to "Nobody Beats the Biz" by Biz Markie. She was actually mouthing the words to the song, which was surprising because she had to be at least 21. I said to her, "What do you know about old school??" She smirked and said, "I know my hip hop, don't worry about me!!" With the curiosity killing me I asked her, "If I may ask, How old are you??" The music was loud so she approached my right ear and said, "Twenty!" I played it off for a while, doing "The Wop" and other dated dances to music that I absolutely love, but some thoughts kept gnawing at me..**When I was 17 she was 6..When I was "humping" she was learning to read and shit.. When I was 21 she was in the 5th grade..** As I grabbed her hips and moved along to the beat I kept thinking that I should really get going before I corrupt this girl..

As soon as I was thinking that, Andre tapped me on the shoulder, "Critic, me and my old lady have a table, Come on". Finally, I would meet this "porn star". I knew I would be disappointed, it would probably be some girl who he was dating who actually wasn't a porn star, making him out to be a liar once again. We made our way through scores of people, cigarette and marijuana smoke, to the restaurant section of the building. When we reached our destination I was totally thrown for a loop. His girlfriend, was indeed a porn star!! How do I know this you ask?? Lets just say that I am familiar with her work..:)

She extends her hand and says, "It is so good to meet you, Andre talks about you all the time." We shook hands and we all sat down to eat. She was so beautiful in person, and her intellect was disarming, disarming to the point that I didn't get a chance to ask her any of the "guy shit" I wanted to ask her..(i.e How many people have you had sex with at one time?? Do you sleep with women outside of your work?? What made you want to start doing porn??Ever had any STDS from "work"?) I didn't ask any of that!! I'm so disappointed in myself.

Through the course of our dinner together, it was apparent that Andre really liked this chick. I mean, personally I couldn't do it. For one, doing her job she deals with guys who are hung like horses, I would feel a little(no pun intended) inadequate if she came home to average ass me. Another thing, I might have a slight problem going out with her and guys constantly running up in her face because of her career. Even though porn stars are constantly screened for STD's, the disease factor would definitely be an issue..But hey, thats just me, as long as he's happy that's all that matters..

As we all start to leave I realize a few things..1) The pornography that I own with her in it will be awkward to watch from now on. 2) I must be Andre's only friend because all I heard was, "Andre said you were the coolest guy..Andre said that yall go way back..Andre said.." Enough!! 3)That I have to stay out of the club or I might start go looking for delicious 20 yr olds..and 4) That Andre doesn't LIE about everything..

Leaving the club, the girl I danced with earlier slips me her number and tells me to call her. I look down at the number and her name is "Alicia", with heart shapes over both of the "i's". Which reminded me of gradeschool, which reminded me of my age, which reminded me that I shouldn't call her..A guy comes up to Andre's girlfriend in a beligerent manner and say's, "Don't you do porno?" Not wanting to embarrass Andre by seeing his reaction, I hopped in my carand drove off..

12 comments:

gonebabygone said...

Reminds me of a series show that I once saw Called Pornucopia: Going Down in the Valley (pun intended) where they look at porn from a historical stand point and interview average porn stars like Jenna Jameson and whatshername?...Morgan somethingorother. Anyway, they are normal people but admit that doing porn is totally seperate from thier home sex life because at home they are not contortionists or thrown over the back of a harley and all that crap. And do you realize the fact that you omitted the typical guy questions which shows that you A.) Respected her as a person and 5.) Are indeed, reforming your asshole ways. Bravo!

Safire said...

I do think it was decent of you not to interrogate the girl about her sexcapades, but at the same time, she does do porn, and she can't really expect people not to be curious about that shit. That ain't no everyday shit. I say you should have went for it. I think porno stars are fascinating as fuck, with their emotional detachment and exhibitionism.

josie said...

i saw that Pornucopia thing. i wonder how your friend hook a porn star. happy for him though.

Jdid said...

look at you not asking the guy stuff. got to be weird for your friend though. so dont lie you went home and watched a movie with her right, right? :-)

nikki said...

Ahhh I was chuckling all the way through this, Gramps. ;)

Nice one!

Abeni said...

Your friend better have a thick skin cos they gonna face nuff stares and questions from the public.

Will said...

THAT...was a great post.

Respect to you!

ManNMotion said...

So what did you end up doing with that number?

James of Hot Blog and Relish.com said...

That's hilarious! Whenever I discover that someone I know did a porn, I run right out to find the movie!

Zantiferous3 said...

Wow. LMAO... that's hilarious.

Hmm... so you're a porn connoiseur??? LOL... I wrote a post about porn weeks ago and never posted it. I think I'll freshen it up and post it now. You've inspired me. Thanks. LOL

shoplove said...

This is one of the funniest things I've read in a while. I also have a liar in my life... My cousin just had a baby on Sunday and miraculously she's already sleeping through the night. Their 18-month-old have been talking since 3 weeks. It's just too much! I'm glad your boy came through though and you were pleasantly surprised!

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