Do you think I can get away with Murder? Tribute to my Republican Friend.

If anyone has read this site for more than 5 minutes certain things become clear. 1) That I love Hip Hop 2)That I love women 3)I probably drink too much 4)Did I mention that I love women? and 5)I have a certain distaste for republicans(especially of the African American persuasion) All that being said, one of my best friends in the world is a republican who couldn't name a Hip Hop artist if you held a gun to his head.

The History of my friendship with Randy

I met Randy when I was 11 years old when my family moved into a new neighborhood. Coming from a racially diverse area to a 99% white area can be a culture shock to many. But I guess I was a pretty open minded kid, because the next thing I know I am friends with Randy and I am performing skateboard tricks off of a skateboard ramp that we had made. When you are kids, the friendship is so pure. No politics, no real issues of race, No Bush, No Kerry, just adolescent mischief. As time passed on you get older and break off into certain groups in Junior High and High School. Friendships tend to fade, we would simply give each other a head nod in the Hallways when we passed each other. After High School, I would see Randy only a couple of times, once when he was in a work release program for a drug conviction, and once in a store buying groceries. Fast Forward to Spring of 2000, at the time I was living with my then girlfriend, looking for new and innovative ways to kill myself because I was so miserable with that relationship. I had heard that Randy was in a punk band, and that he would be performing at a spot that I was familiar with. I arrived there, and after his band performed we caught up on old times and regained our childhood friendship.

Things that have surfaced about Randy

Since that faithful 2000 spring day, I have learned a few disturbing things about Randy. Granted, he is a productive part of society and he is a great father to his son. BUT, what I have come to realize is that Randy is a right-wing republican. Not your run of the mill republican, but a Rush Limbaugh listening, Michael Savage loving, FOX News on a loop watching, George Bush ass kissing, John Kerry hating, conservative propaganda promoting republican. The bright side is that he is misinformed(due to Fox News) and I'm so aggressive with my politics that the issue doesn't come up as much as you would think. The bad thing is that I feel that I have signed a contract with the devil. I mean, I loathe most republicans but since we are good friends with a extensive history, our friendship trumps any political ideology. If it was a "new" friend who turned out to pray at the alter of Limbaugh I could simply say "Fuck off", but its hard to say that when you have known someone for 20 years.

There have been times that I have thought about committing a hate crime on Randy.(OK, not actually "Murder" but two hands clinched tightly around his neck) Here are some examples of times that I considered committing homicide.

*Faux News-We were having a discussion about politics and he said, "John Kerry is a douchebag!". I asked him why he thought that and he said, "because he is." Even though such a profound answer should be expected from a Fox News viewer, I still wanted to smack the shit out of him.

*Faux News Part 2- Around election time, Randy said to me "John Kerry is a flip-flopper, he can't win." I asked him, "How is John Kerry a flip flopper??" His brilliant response was, "He just is.." Fox News really educates their viewers don't they? I pointed out to Randy that George W. Bush has contradicted himself concerning Winning The War On Terror, Timelines For Dictators, 527s, Campaign Finance, Involvement in the Palestinian Conflict, Saddam/al Qaeda Link, Iraq Funding, Weapons of Mass Destruction, Creation of the 9/11 Commission, Gay Marriage, Nation Building. What was that about "flip-flopping" again?

*Bars-Since 2000 I have been to every shit kicking, heavy medal, country and western, "achey-breaky" heart style bar there is when I go out drinking with Randy. It's OK, as long as there is alcohol there I can blend in with anybody. BUT, whenever I bring him to any spot that has more black folks than white folks he looks uncomfortable. I mean, he looks like he is trying to maintain a smile while getting anally raped. His discomfort makes me want to punch him in the throat.

*Motherfucker, I am not your bodyguard-Randy has gotten into some verbal altercations primarily because he thinks I will have his back. I had to tell him, "Since you started it, if homeboy starts whipping your ass I'm going to let him finish."

*Stop trying to hook me up!- Randy is now married and is trying to live vicariously through me. Last month, without my knowledge, he told a waitress of a pool hall that we go to that I liked her. Apparently, he got her number and handed it to me as we left. I was like, "whats this for?" Then he informed me of what he had done. I was furious, because A) I didn't like that chick. B)Even if I did, would she really want to talk to a guy who didn't have the balls to approach her himself? C)Every time I see that chick from now on its going to be awkward, especially if she thought I was going to call her. **Update** We went and played pool the other night and that same waitress was serving us. Randy made a comment about how she should cut her hair, and as a attempt to send me a message without addressing me she said, "Well, my boyfriend would hate that. My boyfriend would kill me".(Stressing the word boyfriend) I giggled, and I should of kept this to myself but I asked, "Did I ever call you?" She said no, then I said, "That means that I wasn't interested, Jackass." Damn, I'm a asshole.

*Welfare- We were at a Rage against the Machine Concert a few years back and somehow he started talking about Welfare as we stood outside so he could smoke. He said, "I realized that I wanted to be a republican when I was struggling financially and I stood in line with a woman that had a shitload of food stamps. She didn't need them, she is taking my hard earned money!!" Like a boxer, who has their opponent on the ropes, positioning themselves for the knockout blow I said.."When in the Fuck did Welfare become a democratic issue? I am pretty sure that there is a shitload of republicans on Welfare. Did you know that Rush Limbaugh once needed public assistance? What do you think about that?? Randy, I find it funny that you are so concerned with that old woman "stealing from you", but what about a white collar criminal that steals millions of dollars. He is sealing from you too, where in the fuck is your outrage over that??!!" He puffed on his cigarette and shook his head. Then I shouted out, "If your name isn't Nostradamus or Ms. Cleo, how in the fuck do you know if that lady needed those food stamps or not!!"

That's just to name a few things. I know that I have spent a considerable time dumping on Randy, but just look at this post as a sort of crime prevention. Now that I have vented some of my frustration about my right-wing friend, there won't be any homicides that I'm involved in. Which is a good thing, because prison doesn't suit me, shit I've seen "Oz"! If it doesn't involve Croutons and Ranch Dressing, I'm not tossing anyone's "salad". I'll prefer getting "shanked" with a sharp object.

But I will thank Randy for a few things.
1)That people with totally different ideologies can have a good friendship.
2)When we were friends during High School, some of the black kids gave me shit and said that I was a sell-out because we were cool. I never wavered, and figuratively spit in the face of my detractors. Through that experience I learned to never turn your back on a friend, and FUCK what people think.
3)I learned to never eat any meat that you cook. That burger that you tried to serve me at your cookout was still Moo-ing!!..lol