The Fine Art of Getting your ass thrown out of a Club

If being thrown out of a club was an artform then think of me as Michelangelo, and this post the equivalent to the sistine chapel.(Well, Maybe not) Actually, the fact that I have more than a few tales of being tossed from some random watering hole is rather embarrassing, but for those who read my blog know that I have no problem breaking down the most embarrassing parts of my life.

Where:Virginia
When:Circa 1993

In the early 90's I was desperately trying to become a world famous MC, entering rap battles and doing shows with my rap group at the time. One hot summer night we were supposed to perform a few songs at some club in Downtown Norfolk. When I got there, I was met by a bouncer who looked a bit too familiar to me. See, this dude was the brother of a girl that I was "dating" and he absolutely hated my guts. I extended my hand to him but he basically pushed it away, then he told us that we could go in. The whole night I caught him giving me the evil eye, staring at me like he was crazy, so I approached him and said, "Man, I'm not a snack! What's your problem?" I guess he didn't like subtle jabs at his weight because he looked like he was about to explode. Then our group was called to the stage where we performed a few songs, but after our scheduled set we started freestyling. That's when shit went wrong, because as I remember I referenced the bouncer in question as being a "transvestite", how I "folded up his sister like origami", and how deep I would shove my foot in his hidden "orifice". Before I could even finish, the bouncer rushes to the stage and damn near picks me up over his shoulders. He then proceeded to literally throw me outside where we started to fight. He was huge, about 6'5 300 pounds, but I knew that I had speed on my side. "Whap!", I tapped him with the right jab. "Whap-Whap", I tapped him with a left/right jab combination. I thought, "This is going to be easy!" As soon as I tried to throw a solid right hook, he ducked it, and wrapped my ass up in a choke hold. I knew I was fucked, as I grasped for air thinking about what a asshole I was a cop was near-by and stopped my attempted demise. When the cop was trying to figure out what was going on and I had caught my breath, I threw a haymaker and sucker punched that bouncer motherfucker, which made the cop absolutely livid. Yeah it was a cheap shot, but I guess you have to get in where you fit in.

Where:Virginia(Oceanfront)
When:Circa 1994

I was in some club down at the oceanfront, and since this was the first year that I could legally drink, lets just say I was having a great time. That place was a fucking sweatbox, with all the bumping and grinding, the place having no AC, and it being damn near 80 degrees outside, it felt that I was losing weight by the second. Ever since I was a kid, whenever I get hot, I roll up my sleeves on my t-shirt. Matter of fact I still do that. Anyway, a bouncer had told me to put the sleeves down because it violate the club's "dresscode". I was cool about it and put my sleeves down, no problem. Minutes later, still burning the fuck up and forgetting what the bouncer had said, I rolled my sleeves back up. As soon as I did that, he must have been watching me or something, he yells "That's it", and grabs my arm and "escorts" me out of the club. I am pissed, yelling at the bouncer, calling him everything but the son of god. That is when he pulls out some sort of taser out of his back pocket and begs me to step to him. Usually I would have, but for some reason, on that particular night, doing so had the word "loss" written all over it. I backed down and went my way, that was until later that night when I saw him ordering food inside of McDonald's. Let me tell you , nothing scares folks more than throwing a grown man ass man into a "Grimace" statue.

Where:California
When:1998

I went to L.A to visit a friend of mine who had done a few commercials, and landed a few bit parts on some TV shows at the time. His plan was, as he so succinctly put it, was to show me "the time of my life". So we went to some club where we had a great time, getting shitfaced and talking to women that were definitely out of my league. I noticed this dude kept looking at me but I paid it no mind at first. An hour passes, and the guy is still staring at me. The woman that I was conversing with informed me that the guy in question tried to pick her up earlier, but she flatly refused him. After a few more minutes of him looking at me like I was lunch, I walk over to him and politely say, "Hey pussy, what are you gawking at?" He pushed me, and as a reflex I drew back and tried to take his head off. As the bouncer grabbed the both of us, the "boys" of the guy I just punched gather around waiting to see what was going to happen. As things are getting sorted out I notice that the guy that I punched, and his boys, were all wearing the same colors. In my head I was saying, "Fuck, I just hit a damn gang member!" I knew that my life was in danger, so I did what any guy would do in my situation, I hit the bouncer. "Whap!", the bouncer went to one knee and came back up and hit me in the stomach, hard. The reason I hit him was because I remember earlier my friend telling me that off duty police usually bounce there, so I knew a night in jail was better than the cemetery.

Where:Las Vegas
When:2002

When the new millennium came in, I made it a rule to stop fighting, seriously. I went to Vegas like any other single guy does, to watch those two lion taming guys and catch a Celine Dion show. Ok, that's a lie, I went there to drink, gamble, and talk shit to strippers. Did I mention the drinking part? Anyway, there was this club that my boys and I had went to and it was absolute debauchery. Butt naked women, great music, some celebrities, it was great. A beautiful woman comes up to me and starts talking about some random bullshit. Granted, I wasn't interested in what she was saying, just that she was talking to me and that single fact made my "soldier" stand at "attention". She kept asking if I wanted a "date", I kept saying, "Sure, a dinner and a movie?" She looked frustrated and said, "No, do you want a DATE tonight?" Wondering what the fuck she was talking about I said, "Ok, maybe dinner and a movie is a wack idea. How about a concert?" Losing all of her patience she yelled out, "Do you want to pay me to fuck you!!!" "Oh, OK", feeling like a total square. I declined her vaginal invitation, telling her that I only pay for sex from women when I am in a relationship. She was pissed and cursed me for "wasting her time", then I cursed her back referencing how I could "park a small car inside her womb", or something like that. She smacked the shit out of me, then I threw my drink in her face, which alerted the bouncers. They grabbed me up and roughly escorted me outside. This one guy cornered me, and said "Maybe we need to teach you a lesson, Boy", I tried to gather some super strength from the racial significance of the word "boy", but I couldn't since the guy was black. I handled him fine, but when 4 our his "bouncer" friends helped him, I definitely caught a bad one. For all those people who say that I never talk about getting my ass whipped on my blog, well that night I got stomped. Nothing is worse than getting beat the fuck down by 5 men with extremely tight shirts with the word "bouncer" on them.

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