Tuesday, July 12, 2005

The Fine Art of Getting your ass thrown out of a Club

If being thrown out of a club was an artform then think of me as Michelangelo, and this post the equivalent to the sistine chapel.(Well, Maybe not) Actually, the fact that I have more than a few tales of being tossed from some random watering hole is rather embarrassing, but for those who read my blog know that I have no problem breaking down the most embarrassing parts of my life.

Where:Virginia
When:Circa 1993

In the early 90's I was desperately trying to become a world famous MC, entering rap battles and doing shows with my rap group at the time. One hot summer night we were supposed to perform a few songs at some club in Downtown Norfolk. When I got there, I was met by a bouncer who looked a bit too familiar to me. See, this dude was the brother of a girl that I was "dating" and he absolutely hated my guts. I extended my hand to him but he basically pushed it away, then he told us that we could go in. The whole night I caught him giving me the evil eye, staring at me like he was crazy, so I approached him and said, "Man, I'm not a snack! What's your problem?" I guess he didn't like subtle jabs at his weight because he looked like he was about to explode. Then our group was called to the stage where we performed a few songs, but after our scheduled set we started freestyling. That's when shit went wrong, because as I remember I referenced the bouncer in question as being a "transvestite", how I "folded up his sister like origami", and how deep I would shove my foot in his hidden "orifice". Before I could even finish, the bouncer rushes to the stage and damn near picks me up over his shoulders. He then proceeded to literally throw me outside where we started to fight. He was huge, about 6'5 300 pounds, but I knew that I had speed on my side. "Whap!", I tapped him with the right jab. "Whap-Whap", I tapped him with a left/right jab combination. I thought, "This is going to be easy!" As soon as I tried to throw a solid right hook, he ducked it, and wrapped my ass up in a choke hold. I knew I was fucked, as I grasped for air thinking about what a asshole I was a cop was near-by and stopped my attempted demise. When the cop was trying to figure out what was going on and I had caught my breath, I threw a haymaker and sucker punched that bouncer motherfucker, which made the cop absolutely livid. Yeah it was a cheap shot, but I guess you have to get in where you fit in.

Where:Virginia(Oceanfront)
When:Circa 1994

I was in some club down at the oceanfront, and since this was the first year that I could legally drink, lets just say I was having a great time. That place was a fucking sweatbox, with all the bumping and grinding, the place having no AC, and it being damn near 80 degrees outside, it felt that I was losing weight by the second. Ever since I was a kid, whenever I get hot, I roll up my sleeves on my t-shirt. Matter of fact I still do that. Anyway, a bouncer had told me to put the sleeves down because it violate the club's "dresscode". I was cool about it and put my sleeves down, no problem. Minutes later, still burning the fuck up and forgetting what the bouncer had said, I rolled my sleeves back up. As soon as I did that, he must have been watching me or something, he yells "That's it", and grabs my arm and "escorts" me out of the club. I am pissed, yelling at the bouncer, calling him everything but the son of god. That is when he pulls out some sort of taser out of his back pocket and begs me to step to him. Usually I would have, but for some reason, on that particular night, doing so had the word "loss" written all over it. I backed down and went my way, that was until later that night when I saw him ordering food inside of McDonald's. Let me tell you , nothing scares folks more than throwing a grown man ass man into a "Grimace" statue.

Where:California
When:1998

I went to L.A to visit a friend of mine who had done a few commercials, and landed a few bit parts on some TV shows at the time. His plan was, as he so succinctly put it, was to show me "the time of my life". So we went to some club where we had a great time, getting shitfaced and talking to women that were definitely out of my league. I noticed this dude kept looking at me but I paid it no mind at first. An hour passes, and the guy is still staring at me. The woman that I was conversing with informed me that the guy in question tried to pick her up earlier, but she flatly refused him. After a few more minutes of him looking at me like I was lunch, I walk over to him and politely say, "Hey pussy, what are you gawking at?" He pushed me, and as a reflex I drew back and tried to take his head off. As the bouncer grabbed the both of us, the "boys" of the guy I just punched gather around waiting to see what was going to happen. As things are getting sorted out I notice that the guy that I punched, and his boys, were all wearing the same colors. In my head I was saying, "Fuck, I just hit a damn gang member!" I knew that my life was in danger, so I did what any guy would do in my situation, I hit the bouncer. "Whap!", the bouncer went to one knee and came back up and hit me in the stomach, hard. The reason I hit him was because I remember earlier my friend telling me that off duty police usually bounce there, so I knew a night in jail was better than the cemetery.

Where:Las Vegas
When:2002

When the new millennium came in, I made it a rule to stop fighting, seriously. I went to Vegas like any other single guy does, to watch those two lion taming guys and catch a Celine Dion show. Ok, that's a lie, I went there to drink, gamble, and talk shit to strippers. Did I mention the drinking part? Anyway, there was this club that my boys and I had went to and it was absolute debauchery. Butt naked women, great music, some celebrities, it was great. A beautiful woman comes up to me and starts talking about some random bullshit. Granted, I wasn't interested in what she was saying, just that she was talking to me and that single fact made my "soldier" stand at "attention". She kept asking if I wanted a "date", I kept saying, "Sure, a dinner and a movie?" She looked frustrated and said, "No, do you want a DATE tonight?" Wondering what the fuck she was talking about I said, "Ok, maybe dinner and a movie is a wack idea. How about a concert?" Losing all of her patience she yelled out, "Do you want to pay me to fuck you!!!" "Oh, OK", feeling like a total square. I declined her vaginal invitation, telling her that I only pay for sex from women when I am in a relationship. She was pissed and cursed me for "wasting her time", then I cursed her back referencing how I could "park a small car inside her womb", or something like that. She smacked the shit out of me, then I threw my drink in her face, which alerted the bouncers. They grabbed me up and roughly escorted me outside. This one guy cornered me, and said "Maybe we need to teach you a lesson, Boy", I tried to gather some super strength from the racial significance of the word "boy", but I couldn't since the guy was black. I handled him fine, but when 4 our his "bouncer" friends helped him, I definitely caught a bad one. For all those people who say that I never talk about getting my ass whipped on my blog, well that night I got stomped. Nothing is worse than getting beat the fuck down by 5 men with extremely tight shirts with the word "bouncer" on them.

(Want to download a podcast of this post? It's an excellent way to listen to it whenever you wanted to. Go here and check it out)

23 comments:

CaffeineDiva said...

I'm first, I'm first woohoo!!
ok... so the question at hand is:
Have you any intentions of giving up the alcohol!?
I don't think I have ever been thrown out of a bar. Mostly because I have friends that know me well enough to get me the fuck out of a bar before I make a REAL ass of myself & embarrass the hell out of them!

Quietbeauty said...

Amazing you have gotten yourself in trouble from coast to coast. Lmfao @ " nothing scares folks more than throwing a grown ass man into a "Grimace" statue." too too funny. Again, another great post

Nikki said...

You're throwin' bows in different area codes.

Amadeo said...

I've never been thrown out, but me and my boys have protested and fought our way INTO clubs. We even used to get people in who were underage then rip a performance to where they would put us on the list for future nights.

SHIMINEGE said...

I know of this subject all to well...I have gotten thrown out of two clubs myself.....
DC "The Ritz", my friends and I would hit up the Ritz quite often when this one night we were chillin in the vip section (cause it had a pool table)there were a couple of rappers in the vip roon as well...I got bored and went to the main dance floor but when I wanted to return to my friends in VIP the bouncer wouldn't let me back in....so I banged on the door to get my friends attention but her ass was sleep..so I banged some more....he got so upset told me to stop I told him to go wake my friend up so we can leave, he picked me up off the floor and carried yes I said carried me down the steps out the door..thank God I new the owner and he let me back in after he molested me in his office....I never went there again!

Orlando, FL....I was doing a hair and trade show that weekend so a couple of my model friends decided to go to Universal Studios to party because the places turned into clubs at night....one of the girls was not 21 so we were going to sneak in the club....when the door opened away from the ID checkers two of us decided to jet through but the chic who was young didn't realize what was going on so while we are chillin in the club safe and shit her ass ask the bouncer "have you seen my friends" ater they just told us to leave cause she didn't have an ID...they found us in the club got the police to escort us out the park tried to take our picture (which they did NOT) and banned us from Universal Studios for a year....but I still went less than a year later. what dummies! lol but it was great!

MEP said...

Haha, no one ever believes me when I tell them that I have gotten not only myself, but the entire party thrown out of a club.

Where: Kansas City, MO
When: I believe it was 2001
Occasion: Bachelorette Party (that's right, someone else's party)

So, the bride-to-be and 10 of her friends (myself included) got a hotel room on the plaza and decided to club-hop. We went to several places with a 6-foot blow-up penis in tow before we ended up at the Have a Nice Day Cafe.

After several fishbowls of something, one of my friends and I started bragging about who could get the most guys to buy us drinks. A couple of drinks in, I said "screw flirting with these guys" and just walked up to them and said: "Would you like to buy me and my friend a drink" !!!!

This went on for a while (I believe there was also some unattractive guy that I made out with) before I had had TOO MUCH to drink. I was actually stumbling across the bar when the bouncers said, "You ladies need to take her and leave." We had to go back to the hotel becaues I couldn't go anywhere else.

I don't remember that part. I remember waking up the next morning thinking, "How did I end up on this couch? And why am I still wearing my club clothes and my contacts."

That's my story.

Jdid said...

good call on hitting the bouncer in cali.

melette said...

Nikki took my quote. I think you should maybe kinda give up the spirits for awhile. LOL!!!

Lboogie said...

LOLOL @ all your stories . . . and good job choosing the night in jail over the cemetary! You damn sure got some adventures under your belt=)

Cynthia said...

You deserved those beat downs.

Chele said...

LOL @ Nikki

I skipped down the list right to California. I don't know how I knew it would be there. California knows how to party. They also know how to scrap you like a car that just threw a rod. That's why I'm moving from this bad boy. lol

I am Jack said...

Great post man, funny as usual.

Anonymous said...

I just happened to get to your page, I'm glad that I id. You are a fantastic writer.

FantasyFootballGuru said...

I was thrown out of few clubs in my day as well. Not as much as you though.

U-Liang said...

LOL@ you entire post. Remind me not to go anywhere with you!

Bec said...

You sure are the "hot head" huh? By the way, I love it!

shinjyo said...

I hav to admit, a lot of bouncers are easily excitable.

Girl With An Alibi said...

I love the California story. I don't know if I could think that fast. I've never had so much fun that I've been thrown out of someplace. Dang!

naiah said...

Man, I used to have a guy friend who pulled shit like this all the fucking time. Worried myself sick over him.

Honestly, though, I'd fucking love to get in some big ass braul and get my scrawny little ass thrown out of somewhere. It'd be a hoot.

Sparkling said...

What can I say (that hasn't already been said), you would make great bouncer material!

Del-V said...

Very funny stuff. It has been a while since I've been thrown out of a bar. Keep up the good work!

wannabe_ceo said...

gotta agree with quiet beauty on

"Let me tell you , nothing scares folks more than throwing a grown man ass man into a "Grimace" statue."
funniest (and straight dumbest) line Ive read in a minute

Inside Man said...

Getting your ass whipped is like eating pussy, niggaz won't admit to that shit happening but it does. Everybody has caught a mean before..........