For anyone who has read my blog for all of 5 minutes, or anyone that knows me personally will tell you, I have absolutely little or no patience. This is something that I have tried to work on for years, but it seems that the end result is me being an impatient bastard. I was reminded of my "weakness" as I gave a friend of mine a ride yesterday. Here are some examples: (By all means, let me know that I'm not alone with some stories of your own)
Throwing CD's for Distance: For as long as I can remember, even before Queen Latifah did it in the movie "Set it off", I would toss CD's out of the window that I didn't care for. I know what you are thinking, "But HumanityCritic, doing that is a waste of money!", and you would be correct. BUT, I also feel that you have wasted your money anyway if you keep a extremely wack CD, and who wants to have bullshit CD's in your collection anyway? Examples: A) There is a local Hip Hop group that a friend of my swears by but I always found them just "alright". He got in my car and gave me a 5 song sampler of the groups music as we sped down the highway one afternoon. About 2 songs into it I wasn't impressed, and he could see the disgust on my face and said, "Wait it gets better!" When the third song revealed itself to be wack also, I ejected the CD and threw it like a discus thrower in the Olympics. The horror on my friends face was priceless. B)Have you ever purchased a CD and you wanted to like it in the worst way? OK, that's how I was with Common's Album "Electric Circus"(His new album is cool). I must have played that CD over a six month period, trying to find some redeeming quality in it, but I couldn't. I sat at a lonely stoplight around 3 in the morning, and it hit me like the same feeling you get when you realize that your lover is never coming back, so I took the CD and flung it while screaming, "That shit is wack!!"
Supermarket Rage: I hate standing in lines with the same hatred that I hate black republicans, women who don't give head, and people who say shit like, "You are pretty cool for a black guy!" Hate, Hate, Hate. Anyway, I was standing in line with some groceries, trying to suppress my impatience by reading tabloid headlines when I noticed that the cashier was having a full blown conversation with a woman in line. I waited, thinking that the conversation would be over soon, but 2 minutes later these ladies are still chatting. Keep in mind, the line was about 6 people deep and these women are talking without a care in the world. That's when I had enough and said, "Hey "Chatty Kathy's", how about you wrap that conversation up so I can get out of here? I don't know what's worse, waiting in line, or having to wait in line and hear your asinine conversation?" The two women looked back at me, one of them saying "Oh no he didn't!" Before I could respond a elderly black woman, this biker who looked like he should be a member of the village people, a blue haired punk rocker chick, and this beautiful Latina all said, "Yes He did!!" It is good when you actually get people to drink your Kool-Aid, Jim Jones style, so I was pleased about that. When I finally got to the front of the line she gave me the ice grill, and she threw my change down in an act of defiance. I said, "Don't get mad that nobody wanted to hear, "Who you were fucking", if we stood here to hear the guys you let penetrate you, we would be here for a week!"
Supermarket Rage 2: I respect my elders, not only because I'm supposed to but because of the wisdom and knowledge you can gain from them. I was in line behind a very nice woman who asked me questions about my hair, she did it in a nice way so I answered all of her questions. She then showed me a picture of her 25 year old granddaughter, who was fine as hell, so I blurted out "I wouldn't mind getting to know her, even if it is for a few minutes!" As soon as I said it I cringed, but luckily she didn't get my joke about me wanting to penetrate her "favorite grandchild", so I was happy about that. When she got to the cashier she had about 20 dollars worth of groceries, so she reached in her purse for what I thought would be a checkbook or a charge card. She proceeded in pulling out handfuls of change that you wouldn't believe. I don't mean mostly quarters either, I'm talking about a shitload of pennies and nickels. Add to the fact that the cashier added change the same way I can ride a unicycle, not very well. After standing there about 5 minutes as this nice woman and this inept cashier try to "Forrest Gump" their way through change counting I got fed up. I grabbed all the nice ladies change, told her to keep her money, and just paid for her groceries. The lady gave me a warm hug and said that that "was the nicest thing anyone has done for her in a while", not knowing that I did it out of impatience not generosity. But, because I had just lost my father, and a hug from anyone felt extremely good, I said "Is there anything else you want?" She said "really", and I said "Go ahead", so she grabbed about 15 bucks worth of things. As she was leaving she said, "I will have my granddaughter call you, she needs a good man in her life!" For all I knew she could of just scammed me, making me the proverbial "all day sucker', but I didn't care because of her hug that momentarily jump-started my heart. The funny thing is that her granddaughter DID call me, and I DID "know" her "minutes" at a time. Being generous sure does pay off.
I'm a Big Baby: I had this girlfriend named Kianna that lived right passed the North Carolina Border. The drive was a little more than an hour away, so me "getting ass" was a prerequisite, so I thought. I drove there, about 2 in the morning by her request, trying to avoid the cops since I had a few drinks that night. Usually I would have never made that trek, but my little head was doing all the thinking that night, so off I went. I got there, we made out for a little while, but she claimed that she wasn't sure if she wanted to "do anything". Even though I came to "bum uglies", or as Rakim puts it "get soft and warm", I really could deal with her saying "No". I could deal with a "NO!", but her indecisiveness, and her randomly stooking my gentalia was too much for a brother to deal with. After two hours of her teasing, and my testicles looking like Papa Smurf's nutsack, I grabbed my shit and bounced. I know, I'm a big baby. The problem was, by that time it was 5:30 in the morning and I was dead tired. I fought sleep the whole way there, opening the widows, singing songs, trying anything to keep myself awake. I was winning the battle against sleep, until I got off on my offramp. It turns out that I had fallen asleep, and woke up when my car went onto a grassy median, almost crashing into a streetsign that eventually knocked my side view mirror off. As I rolled off of that median, glad that no cops were around to witness what I had just done, I realized that if I wasn't such a baby that I wouldn't have found myself in that current predicament and gotten some ass to boot.
Nuttier than squirrel shit: (quick one): I was on a train headed to New York a few months back. The entire train car that I was in, believe it or not, was absolutely empty. I love being alone, away from people, so I was loving it. That was until these two guys, for some reason, decided to sit right in back of me even though the entire car was empty. Them sitting behind me wasn't a problem, but their conversation sure was. They were loud and they were right-wing republicans so they had to go. That's when I acted crazy, turned around with my eyes barely peaking over my seat and said, "Hey guys, my titties are bigger than yours!" They looked at each other in absolute bewilderment. Then I said, with my eyes opened widely, "They say that eating your own feces is high in nutritional value, I tried it, and their right!!" They grabbed their bags and high-tailed it out of there, thank god because their conversation was driving me nuts.