Monday, July 11, 2005

Patience is a Virtue, but...

For anyone who has read my blog for all of 5 minutes, or anyone that knows me personally will tell you, I have absolutely little or no patience. This is something that I have tried to work on for years, but it seems that the end result is me being an impatient bastard. I was reminded of my "weakness" as I gave a friend of mine a ride yesterday. Here are some examples: (By all means, let me know that I'm not alone with some stories of your own)

Throwing CD's for Distance: For as long as I can remember, even before Queen Latifah did it in the movie "Set it off", I would toss CD's out of the window that I didn't care for. I know what you are thinking, "But HumanityCritic, doing that is a waste of money!", and you would be correct. BUT, I also feel that you have wasted your money anyway if you keep a extremely wack CD, and who wants to have bullshit CD's in your collection anyway? Examples: A) There is a local Hip Hop group that a friend of my swears by but I always found them just "alright". He got in my car and gave me a 5 song sampler of the groups music as we sped down the highway one afternoon. About 2 songs into it I wasn't impressed, and he could see the disgust on my face and said, "Wait it gets better!" When the third song revealed itself to be wack also, I ejected the CD and threw it like a discus thrower in the Olympics. The horror on my friends face was priceless. B)Have you ever purchased a CD and you wanted to like it in the worst way? OK, that's how I was with Common's Album "Electric Circus"(His new album is cool). I must have played that CD over a six month period, trying to find some redeeming quality in it, but I couldn't. I sat at a lonely stoplight around 3 in the morning, and it hit me like the same feeling you get when you realize that your lover is never coming back, so I took the CD and flung it while screaming, "That shit is wack!!"

Supermarket Rage: I hate standing in lines with the same hatred that I hate black republicans, women who don't give head, and people who say shit like, "You are pretty cool for a black guy!" Hate, Hate, Hate. Anyway, I was standing in line with some groceries, trying to suppress my impatience by reading tabloid headlines when I noticed that the cashier was having a full blown conversation with a woman in line. I waited, thinking that the conversation would be over soon, but 2 minutes later these ladies are still chatting. Keep in mind, the line was about 6 people deep and these women are talking without a care in the world. That's when I had enough and said, "Hey "Chatty Kathy's", how about you wrap that conversation up so I can get out of here? I don't know what's worse, waiting in line, or having to wait in line and hear your asinine conversation?" The two women looked back at me, one of them saying "Oh no he didn't!" Before I could respond a elderly black woman, this biker who looked like he should be a member of the village people, a blue haired punk rocker chick, and this beautiful Latina all said, "Yes He did!!" It is good when you actually get people to drink your Kool-Aid, Jim Jones style, so I was pleased about that. When I finally got to the front of the line she gave me the ice grill, and she threw my change down in an act of defiance. I said, "Don't get mad that nobody wanted to hear, "Who you were fucking", if we stood here to hear the guys you let penetrate you, we would be here for a week!"

Supermarket Rage 2: I respect my elders, not only because I'm supposed to but because of the wisdom and knowledge you can gain from them. I was in line behind a very nice woman who asked me questions about my hair, she did it in a nice way so I answered all of her questions. She then showed me a picture of her 25 year old granddaughter, who was fine as hell, so I blurted out "I wouldn't mind getting to know her, even if it is for a few minutes!" As soon as I said it I cringed, but luckily she didn't get my joke about me wanting to penetrate her "favorite grandchild", so I was happy about that. When she got to the cashier she had about 20 dollars worth of groceries, so she reached in her purse for what I thought would be a checkbook or a charge card. She proceeded in pulling out handfuls of change that you wouldn't believe. I don't mean mostly quarters either, I'm talking about a shitload of pennies and nickels. Add to the fact that the cashier added change the same way I can ride a unicycle, not very well. After standing there about 5 minutes as this nice woman and this inept cashier try to "Forrest Gump" their way through change counting I got fed up. I grabbed all the nice ladies change, told her to keep her money, and just paid for her groceries. The lady gave me a warm hug and said that that "was the nicest thing anyone has done for her in a while", not knowing that I did it out of impatience not generosity. But, because I had just lost my father, and a hug from anyone felt extremely good, I said "Is there anything else you want?" She said "really", and I said "Go ahead", so she grabbed about 15 bucks worth of things. As she was leaving she said, "I will have my granddaughter call you, she needs a good man in her life!" For all I knew she could of just scammed me, making me the proverbial "all day sucker', but I didn't care because of her hug that momentarily jump-started my heart. The funny thing is that her granddaughter DID call me, and I DID "know" her "minutes" at a time. Being generous sure does pay off.

I'm a Big Baby: I had this girlfriend named Kianna that lived right passed the North Carolina Border. The drive was a little more than an hour away, so me "getting ass" was a prerequisite, so I thought. I drove there, about 2 in the morning by her request, trying to avoid the cops since I had a few drinks that night. Usually I would have never made that trek, but my little head was doing all the thinking that night, so off I went. I got there, we made out for a little while, but she claimed that she wasn't sure if she wanted to "do anything". Even though I came to "bum uglies", or as Rakim puts it "get soft and warm", I really could deal with her saying "No". I could deal with a "NO!", but her indecisiveness, and her randomly stooking my gentalia was too much for a brother to deal with. After two hours of her teasing, and my testicles looking like Papa Smurf's nutsack, I grabbed my shit and bounced. I know, I'm a big baby. The problem was, by that time it was 5:30 in the morning and I was dead tired. I fought sleep the whole way there, opening the widows, singing songs, trying anything to keep myself awake. I was winning the battle against sleep, until I got off on my offramp. It turns out that I had fallen asleep, and woke up when my car went onto a grassy median, almost crashing into a streetsign that eventually knocked my side view mirror off. As I rolled off of that median, glad that no cops were around to witness what I had just done, I realized that if I wasn't such a baby that I wouldn't have found myself in that current predicament and gotten some ass to boot.

Nuttier than squirrel shit: (quick one): I was on a train headed to New York a few months back. The entire train car that I was in, believe it or not, was absolutely empty. I love being alone, away from people, so I was loving it. That was until these two guys, for some reason, decided to sit right in back of me even though the entire car was empty. Them sitting behind me wasn't a problem, but their conversation sure was. They were loud and they were right-wing republicans so they had to go. That's when I acted crazy, turned around with my eyes barely peaking over my seat and said, "Hey guys, my titties are bigger than yours!" They looked at each other in absolute bewilderment. Then I said, with my eyes opened widely, "They say that eating your own feces is high in nutritional value, I tried it, and their right!!" They grabbed their bags and high-tailed it out of there, thank god because their conversation was driving me nuts.

32 comments:

Mahogany Elle said...

LOL @ your CD javelin throwing. I def. wanted to do that with Donnie's "The Colored Section" (He had that Stevie Wonder-esque song "Cloud Nine"). The rest of the debut was garbage! Bleech.

Keif said...

I think you might be shopping at the wrong store. Next time try Kroger or SuperWalmart, self-scan is the shit!

Amadeo said...

Don't get me started on supermarket antics...it's like a club for old ladies. The only thing that saves me is when the cashiers are fine.

Luke Cage said...

Now dude, don't take this the wrong way. But what you did at the supermarket in Rage2; now THAT made a brotha feel all warm and fuzzy inside. HC, you are da man. Kudos...

E_1979 said...

I got good news Mister HC.......Mister cause I respect my elders... *burn* okay ... good news bad news......Bad news first... Even though I could give a million other stories about how I am as impatient if not more... How I am a baby if not more. How far I've travelled for no ass... if not more.... Still doesn't make you any less crazy .. you know this .... you accept this ... Good... now for the good news.....Throwing away craptackular CD's really the best thing you can do ...it shows commitment and desire to keep order and sanity in your music listening processes

piranha said...

hahaha, the nuttier than squirrel shit is classic. really lmao!.
so as for sharing own stories: i am, too, a damn impatient person. beginning with transgressing all dating rules (which surely sucks and doesn't really pay off well. i guess there are for a certain reason....and they are still there because they must have worked somehow, right)and ending with starting to curse like hell when i am in public transportation and find my hair, my scarf, the shoulder strap and my discman ear phones all entangled and as I try to get rid of all that and sit down and put my back at the floor in the same time and sure it doesn't work I often almost strangle myself. it s nothing big to curse about but I FUCKIN HATE THAT!!! I CANT STAND IT AND IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
it gets more difficult as soon as the impatience also influences health and stuff like that. for example, loosing weight is not an option for me, at least not doing it consciously, because i want to see the result IMMEDIATELY. the same with medicine. if this shit works only if you take these pills over the time period of several weeks or months you can chase me with them.
I also want to know already now who is going to be my equivalent to your sweet Rosario Dawson and how my kids will look and be like. Impatience, to put it in a nutshell, causes more problems than necessary and sucks big time.i would be a damn great guitarplaying star by now, if i wasn't so impatient.
praise ZEN!!!

Lboogie said...

First time I'm stopping through here and I must say you make me look like I have the patience of Job! I know I have absolutely NO patience or tolerance for most things but DAMN! Seriously, driving in Atlanta will do away with what little patience you may possess . . . As for supermarket rage, I HATE when I get in a long ass line behind someone and not only are they writing a check (who does THAT anymore?), but they wait until they get the total to write OUT the whole damn thing!

I also cannot not stand when I've found my own space in public (train, platform, resturant, whatever!) and someone comes and stands/sits right up under my ass. I feel a rage inside that indescribable!

Ok, i'm ending the blog now but I'll definately be back!!

Justin said...

Been a while since I laughed at a blog.

Running2Ks said...

Huh, that pisses guys off when you call them at 2 am and jerk them around for a couple of hours....HMMMM Learn something new every day! *SNORT*

I am Jack said...

Awesome post, you are hilarious as shit man!

Anonymous said...

I thought I was bad, your impatience takes the cake.

U-Liang said...

The story about the old woman was touching, even though you did tap her grandaughters ass..lol

coley said...

LOL @ "I hate standing in lines with the same hatred that I hate black republicans, women who don't give head, and people who say shit like, "You are pretty cool for a black guy!" Hate, Hate, Hate."...

Man, I thought I was impatient! You're a hot mess! I can just see you chucking "bad" cd's out of your car window while driving... LOL!!

Nia said...

I'm impatient too, but good lawdy whoada! lol

Thanks for explaining the whole cd tossing thing, I had an ex that did it and I didn't know why for the life of me.

Anisa said...

hilarious blog! thanks for checking mine out. i can't STAND it when i'm somewhere like the movie theatre, etc. and it's almost empty and people want to come sit right in front of you. i can't believe you said all that to those annoying republicans! hahaha

totolehero said...

who's manjula ??? and does she ever post ????

aria said...

LOL...Fantastic stuff, and I do NOT mean to laugh at your torment! The impatience thing gets the better of most people if not all...in my case it's at the bank [where the female tellers in particular seem to show friendly smiles, and *gasp* they actually show MOVEMENT!!! for clients with outer reproductive organs], and when another female approaches them, I'm not sure if it's all the cosmetics on their face or gel in their hair...but they suddenly seem to move at snail's pace if not slower! I think that should be a warning to people using that much make-up! (but that's another story)....
The cd throwing thing...I just plain prefer to kick the person out and fling the cd behind them! Hopefully it'll be a lesson learnt and said event won't be repeated...
Anyways, great stuff, keep it up and feel free to peruse my blog whenever you feel to.
aria =)

**RPM** said...

Brilliant. As usual.

Jdid said...

The supermarket line comment was classic

teri springer said...

Oh my....GREAT blog! I can SO relate to the rant about the checkout line. I am NOT shy about telling chatty people that the cashier is WORKING thank you so shut up, pay and move on already....You should have complained to the bitch's boss.

And the train bit is classic. I swear that it's like a jerk magnet, when you want to be alone the jerks just come out of the woodwork.

Oh, and toss those CDs my way....I tie them to the trees around my yard with fishing line. Keeps the deer from chowing on my flowers....and it looks pretty cool too.

You are awesome.

teri

solitaire said...

"so I took the CD and flung it while screaming, "That shit is wack!!""

HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

My first retail job was working as a cashier in a supermarket. I never did the convo thing (that's cause it was in an all-white neighbourhood and I didn't know anybody's ass) but I had to work the express like a few times.

Why the hell do people bring more than 8 items when it says ONE TO EIGHT ITEMS. NOT SIXTEEN!!

Yeah I had a few folks who wanted to pay in change and all of that. I had patience with the older folks. I wanted to beat the screaming kids up, though...

Brother OMi said...

man i did not know it was that bad
i mean i don't throw wack CDs away, i just use them as coasters. fo real

but dude you gotta change ...
for real
you cruising for a heart attack

we definitely need to hang out.

and no i am not converting you to anything.

dParker2.0 said...

LOL! I can totally relate to the "checkout lane" nightmare...

Some check writers can be absolutely brainless! I hate it when they not only wait until they get to the cashier to pull the check book out... some people have the even more annoying habit of waiting until every single item is rung up and bagged... and then they start searching their pockets/purse for the checkbook... then they look around in a state of confusion, because they apparently don't know which store they've just spent enough time in to rack up a $95 bill... and then, they have to ask the cashier where they are, how to spell the name of the store, blah, blah... and to top it all off, they decide to balance their checkbook, which has at least 8 entries that need to be calculated!

The second worst checkout lane annoyance is the people who want to blame the cashier/store when their credit card is declined, acting as if they need to call in the FBI to investigate just why their card won't go through: "I want you to call the manager... because this is just ridiculous! I just used this card at the gas station..."

...and as for the wack CD problem, I just give those away to friends and acquaintances, with the caveat that they promise never to play them in my presence.

introspectre said...

Oh man. If I saw some guy whip a CD out his car window while yelling, "That shit is wack!" I think I'd fucking fall out laughing. And then pick it up and figure out what in the hell could possibly be THAT wack.
You crack me up.

mariah da' bomb said...

hi mr. patience.. :P~

CaffeineDiva said...

"They say that eating your own feces is high in nutritional value, I tried it, and their right!!"

EWWWW... you are out of control!
But funny as all get out.
Growing up in NYC, I totally understand the "act crazy and they will leave you alone" thing. I usually just rock back and forth, twitch, scratch and talk to my imaginary friends.

I too suffer from a severe lack of patience. I have taken to shopping at weird hours of the morning just to cut down on the random line conversations that go on. You might want to try that.

I love your blog!

Anonymous said...

And my black republican ass loves bush

Alicia said...

and i am a woman who don't give head. give yourself head you horny bastard.

The Humanity Critic said...

"And my black republican ass loves bush"-Anonymous

I am a black person and I like Bush too. The "vagina", not our asshole president. Any self respecting black person wouldn't follow this president, or his racist neocon agenda. You might as well wear blackface, and "coon it up" for Massa.

blakkwidow said...

The part about her hug "jump-starting" your heart... awwwwwwww! I've seen enough!

naiah said...

Holy crap. That's all I can say. Holy crap.

Once more: holy crap.

I'll let you know when I stop laughing.

Thanks for the comment; I never would have found you otherwise.

Anonymous said...

hahaha. I've thrown my CDs out the window too. "Papa Smurf's nutsack." lol.