Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Just another Day at the Golf Course

When it comes to sports, anything from basketball to badminton, I can be very competitive. I am in no way a sore loser, but I try to win every time. Example 1: When I was playing with some kids at the YMCA, showing them some basketball moves, I never took it easy on them. I didn't play them like they were grown men but I smacked their shot away, not to be a douche-bag but because I think you learn faster through adversity. Example 2: You always see romantic comedies where the man lets the woman win just to be gracious, or to get some ass later. That isn't how the HumanityCritic rolls baby! If I'm on a date, playing pool or even bowling, I try to win every time. Even though I desperately want that ass, lord knows I could use every piece of backside a brother can get, but you have to earn your wins when you are with me.(sorry, I'm just a Prick.) That being said, the following story is a true account of a day I had on the golf course, when I was asked to play with this guy who wants me to write something for his start up magazine.

6:00 AM

I was awakened by the sound of my phone, nursing a serious hangover from Jack Daniels and rejection. I answer by saying, "Somebody better be dying or dead, who in the fuck is this??" The voice answers, "It's Chris, from the magazine, your future boss." I guess this is the part where he figured that I would totally change gears, but instead I said, "Oh, what in the fuck do you want?" He says, "Well, we had such a great time playing golf with you last time, my business partner and I were wondering if you would be up to playing again??" I paused, looked at the time and just thought to myself that the only time I am up this early on a Sunday is to try to score with women at Catholic Mass, or throwing up from the previous night of debauchery. Finally I said, "OK, I can play a few rounds today", and started to get ready. As I got ready I put on my normal golf attire, camouflage shorts, a Public Enemy T-shit, and some brand new golf shoes that I had just purchased. I was ready to play some golf, primarily because last time I played with these gentleman I looked like a novice, and I hate to lose something fierce. Now, through getting a golf coach, practicing at a driving range, and bullying children at my local Putt-Putt to get my game better, I have something for their ass this time.

7:00 AM

I look out the window and see Chris pull up, so I got my stuff together to go play some golf. About a few moments later he decides to honk his horn, repeatedly, about 10 times. When I get to his car I say, "What the fuck are you doing??". He started laughing, not in a "you are a joke to me" way, but in a "you are a really funny guy" kind of way, which I found rather odd at the time. As we are traveling to the golf course I decide to behave myself, since the last time we played golf I cursed a few dudes out, even though they deserved it. We arrive at a golf course that I had never been to before, and I guess people there had never seen a black face before because I felt like Jennifer Lopez' ass the way so many grown men were staring at me. Usually I would have said, "What in the fuck are you looking at jackass!!", but I only stared back and kept my mouth shut. I wasn't trying to impress the assholes that I was with, just trying to be more civil that's all.

7:25

We reach the first hole and I am ready to kick some ass. Chris drives first with his ball ending up in the woods somewhere, he then let out a big "Fuuuuck!" His friend John drove second, with his ball landing in a sand pit. Chris said, "OK HumanityCritic, go ahead!", he whispers to John, "This should be good!" Since it was a Par 3 the main objective was to get the ball on the green which was about 170 yards, so I smashed the ball and it landed a few feet from the hole. Both of them just stood there with their mouths wide open, then I said "Let's play some golf Motherfuckers!!"

8:00 AM

As I began to systematically beat them like they had owed me money, I began to see their attitude change towards me a bit. Before when we played, they laughed at all my jokes and thought I was the funniest guy in the world.(Which could have been legitimate or just a way to kiss my ass to write for their magazine) I guess I wasn't the life of the party now that I was embarrassing them in front of all their golfing pals. Something else happened while we were playing, they started talking shit. Not in a "Sportsman-like, get you out of your game" way but a "I want to get you mad by being an asshole" kind of way. First they started talking about Bush and what a great president he was amongst themselves, which I ignored because I was currently shooting for a Birdie at the time. Then they started talking about how "all Hip Hop is negative", a charge that I addressed with a simple "That's because you nothing about the culture, ignorance is bliss I guess." It started to get ugly.

8:20 AM

Then, I guess because they read my blog, they started talking about Kobe Bryant.(Yes, I am his biggest apologist as many of you know) Chris said, "Fuck Kobe, I am a Shaq guy!" That's when I let out the following lengthy diatribe: "That's cool, even though Shaq is a 300 pound sanitary napkin who squats when he pisses, but that's just my opinion. Plus, the media has so much hatred for Kobe ingrained in their DNA that everything that Shaq says is raised to a Winston Churchill quotable. You hear announcers say, "Did you hear what Shaq said about Kobe?", in a excitable way, its pathetic. You know what I say, I heard what Shaq said and it's the same old mono-syllabic crap that he usually spews out, that Internet degree getting motherfucker!!" They both stood there, as I was currently 5 shots ahead of them, looking like they wanted to tear my head off.

8:45 AM

As they are taking me home the car is very silent, no one said a word for the first few minutes. When they pulled in my neighborhood Chris said, "I thought when we asked you to play that you would make us laugh, you were funny last time, what happened? Your blog is funny but today you were a buzz kill man". As I got out of the car I said, "What am I here to entertain you? Want me to put on some black-face and do a two-step for you motherfuckers?? Fuck the both of you,(grabbing my gear) you non golfing motherfuckers!" As I walked to my house Chris says, "I guessed you went and fucked up that writing gig, stupid motherfucker!??" I slowly turned around, pulled my driver out of my bag, and approached Chris' Mercedes. I replied, "What did you say? Get your ass out of the car, now!" That's when Chris put the peddle to the metal, with my silly ass throwing my club with all my might at his car. As my neighbors looked on, shaking their heads at my most recent act of aggression, I gathered my clubs and walked in the house. As I sat down and looked at a autographed picture of Aurthur Ashe I realized that I will never compromise who I am for any writing job, any job period for the matter.(I didn't know if I was being truthful, or I was saying that because I had a few other gigs lined up)

**Sidenote**
Because I am sure Chris will read this, let me say this in the most delicate way possible: I am nobody's boy, you are lucky that I didn't beat your ass in front of my crib, and I'd wipe my ass with your flimsy rag before I would submit anything to it. Ahh, letting out your frustrations can be so therapeutic.

53 comments:

I am Jack said...

I liked this post, a bit of a change of pace, but that just shows how talented you are.

Anonymous said...

Remind me never to piss you off, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?? lol

Belle said...

You are probably the most watched fool in your neighborhood. Let's talk about some relaxation techiniques ok?

I'm loving the golf get up and so glad you didn't throat chop somebody with a club.

U-Liang said...

They probably just got upset when you started beating their ass, they were assholes anyway. Don't sweat it.

Me said...

Good for you! Hmph!

Kevin said...

So did they call and can you yet? I'm sure you'll post if they do.

Great post.

I'd love to golf with someone in camo and a PE shirt.

DM said...

I will live vicariously through this post, as I am usally complacent with the people (regarldess of the asshole factor)that want me to write for them.

I just think you are just the funniest thing since bermuda shorts made a comeback.

quietbeauty said...

I'm loving your golf attire - public enemy t-shirt, camouflage pants and new golf shoes (LOL)

naiah said...

jealous fuckers.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, the PE shirt was the right touch! lol@the entire post.

shinjyo said...

Those guys were jerks in the first place, do your thing HC!

FantasyFootballGuru said...

If i were you, i would have beaten their ass on the way home!

Bec said...

You never cease to amaze me with your violent self. try to relax sweetie.

Bec said...

You never cease to amaze me with your violent self. try to relax sweetie.

Mitch! bitch.. said...

I bet your neighbors get a kick out if you. I would love you as a neighhbor. lol-lol

IsLifeLame said...

Ok man. Where the hell were you playing golf, a damned pitch-n-putt? 3 guys finish a round in an hour? Even 9 holes in a hour is a stretch. Don't get me wrong, the story is classic material but I've gotta go Kevin Costner in JKF styles on this timeline. Anyway, if those fucks can't leave their ego in the parking lot and can your writing gig they're gonna lose out.

The Humanity Critic said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The Humanity Critic said...

@LifeisLame: That is the thing, we never completed playing.

BlueAngel said...

I love it! My sentiments exactly!

I hate when people try to grab you by the ballz when they think they have your destiny in their hands.

PUH LEEZE!

and other difficult positions said...

Nothing like beating someones ass in front of your house. Great blog!

Amadeo said...

I'm putting you on my list of things to believe in...no above Ray Lewis, but I'm sure you'll understand.

MEP said...

Temper, temper, HC. Funny post, but I'm guessing you were "frustrated" from the night before, huh? Very clearly supporting the claim that:

No ass on Saturday = Jerk to Boss on Sunday.

Don Tate II said...

Just read your comments on another blog about being a poet and a writer and your desires to be published in book form. Best of luck with that, you're truly a great writer who touches on so many emotions. You'll sell a zillion books, I'm sure.

Garden Fanatic said...

He is right(the above commentor), you are a talented writer. You really have the best blog I've seen yet.

jurtye said...

I can picture you in your PE shirt. Fight the Power!!

totolehero said...

i think that was crazy sexy HC!!!

Anonymous said...

I don't blame you for what you did, I actually applaud it.

I am Jack said...

Had to come back to agree with something someone said. You are definitely a excellent writer.

Anonymous said...

Hee hee! those cats be acting out of place.the fugees were on point in The Mask! Great blog you got.

Bridget Unnel said...

You are a bad, bad boy. But I kind of like that about you though.

dayna said...

Marry me...and let's fill the house with little goggle wearing literary trailblazers.......who love sports...living out here in Cali..working in bite your tongue or be buried land...I felt this release with you...

courtneyelizabeth said...

lmao...good post.....lol

Cosmorok said...

Love the story, I came across your blog by clicking on the "next blog" button a few days ago. You are an amazing writer because when you type about wilding out, you capture the moment perfectly. Your blog is the only blog I've bookmarked because I enjoyed everything I wrote. You were entertaining when you wanted to be and emotional when you wanted to be.

Faith Anew said...

ROTFLMAO, although the heart of the matter is not funny. I am loving this post. I have a friend who worked as a hucka- bucker...I mean valet at a golf course for a while. the treatment was rather similiar. He put up with it for a while, then one day it was like Kunta climbed out and he liked to choked them dudes out!

It is outrageous that treatment like such still goes on. It goes back to the recent post from brutha code about complancey.

martha said...

hey, thanks for droppin by my site and lettin me know you liked my blog.

I hate kobe and love love shaq!

funny shit. i'll be back.

DUKE OF FLUKE said...

Awesome post man, I have been reading you for a while. Personally it reminds me of a post you wrote when you first started entitled "Crop circles, Stonehenge, and Black Republicans" back in September 04'..You can see how much you evolved, but you have tackled topics before anyone that i have read..

Inside Man said...

It would be great if we could get Tiger Woods to do that shit............

sonyared said...

Oh yeah, I went to some whack azzz fair once with this guy and he didn't let me win...LOL. So in return he didn't score..ha ha.Nah, Anyway it was that game where you have to shoot water and as u shoot the balloon fills up, of course I got to pick out the prize. Anyhow I always end up with the competitive ones. Well Rock on with your bad self than "Big Daddy"!

piranha said...

yeah i just add my obligatory comment which will lead to a further increase of the numbers of comments, which, as someone said last time righteously, are so high although you almost never boost the number by commenting yourself.

great shit. i think we all love you for being so straight forward just because it feels so good if at least one is doing it.

but of course it is probably also a matter of whether or not you can afford it. i went through shit before in which i compromised in a way i wouldn t have had i known that i had a plan B in my pocket. but thats okay. you just tell yourself, hey, that was my choice and i ll do that until i can do sth else.

i guess you disagree...

:)

love always

p

chele said...

i don't think i will ever say "just another day at the golf course"
..
No I am sure of it...
Unless I can drive that damn cart and don't have to swing a damn thing..

m

CousinSarah said...

Wow, remind me never to play golf with you, discuss basketball, call in the morning OR attend Catholic Mass with you. LOL. Thanks for the compliment on the piece. MUCH appreciated.

The Princess Herself said...

I just love reading your stuff..you are just too mych. too much I tell ya.

If you were my neighbor, we'd be doing it.

melette said...

That was a great post. This is one of the few times where your outlet of temper was warrented. I hate jackasses and Chris was acting like a jackass.

Anonymous said...

You are like Tiger Woods, but with heart and shit.lol

sherry said...

That's it, lets fight, you and me HC!!..lol

Daisy Mae said...

I can't imagine ANY therapist falling asleep on you. You are my new hero. Can I give you my ex-husbands address? ;-)

coley said...

Ok HC... First of all, 40-fuckin-6 comments!!!! ONLY YOU can pull something like that off with every post! You're my hero! LOL!

~Anyways, on to the post! Good for you! Don't evah evah evah compromise yourself for no one!
-not that you would, but I'm just giving you props for keeping it real!

I *LOVE LOVE LOVE* YOUR BLOG.... I definitely want to meet you someday!!! What ya think?

Justin said...

Hey. Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke. FUCK 'EM.

souffle said...

nuthn like a sore looser for those cats.....lol GREAT BLOG!!

BLESSD1 said...

Hey man...I'm just proud of the restraint you showed before you decided to verbally give 'em the business! Keep doing your thing, HC!

ManNMotion said...

Genius and insanity go hand in hand.

B.E.G said...

"I put on my normal golf attire, camouflage shorts, a Public Enemy T-shit, and some brand new golf shoes that I had just purchased"

You have got to be kidding...that is hysterical!

Tif said...

I love this guy, he's like me without all the self medication to be humble(vodka), the kiss-ass job and the lil woman to keep me from exploding every five minutes. Oh and that 5 year suspended sentence that they keep hovering over my head for continuous aggravated assaults. Woo-sah, we're getting old man. let it go.