Monday, December 26, 2005

HumanityCritic's Christmas Carol (Part 2)

Part 2

HC:(opening door) Have you lost your fucking mind,... Shit, you are the ghost of Christmas present?

50 Cent: That's right, now let us in this motherfucker!

HC: Us??

50 Cent: Yeah, me and my crew!

HC: Those aren't your "boys", they are your security guards!!

50 Cent: No they're not!

HC: Then why do they have the word "Swat" across their backs asshole?

50 Cent: OK, you got me, its a tough world we live in. Listen I know how you feel about me, I read you blog, but that's neither here nor there. Lets cut the motherfucking small talk because we have a few stops to make, you know why I'm here!

(5 armored Hummers pull up)

50 Cent: Get your ass in!

HC:(shaking head)

50 Cent: What?

HC: Security guards, armored vehicles, you really are representing "Thug Life" to the fullest!

50 Cent: Just get in smart guy!

(This time the ride still made HC want to throw up, not because the vehicle flipped around or anything, but because 50 talked about himself the whole time and how "great" he is)

HC:(starts to feel his dinner coming up)

50 Cent:(pulls out a machine gun) You better swallow that shit back!

HC: Gulp!

50 Cent: Good. (pulling cue card out of his pocket) It says here that I am to give you an in-depth look at the lives of some people that you affect currently.

HC: You need cue cards for this shit, haven't you ever seen the 1 million renditions of this on TV each Christmas??

50 Cent: I thought this was brand new..

HC:(shaking head) Dumb fucking peasant.

(Both HC and 50 are standing in front of Samantha's house. Samantha is the "one that got away" so to speak, after having a lovely Christmas with her husband and kids she is chatting with her girlfriends in the kitchen)

HC: What are we doing here??!!

50 Cent: Just watch.

Samantha's friend: Hey girl, what ever happened to HumanityCritic??

Samantha: He's still in Virginia, writing in that god forsaken blog on a regular basis.

Samantha's friend: Do you ever think what might have been?

Samantha: Sure, I loved HumanityCritic dearly, but he is a 32 year old child. I threw myself at him, expressed my deep admiration for him, and all I got for it was hard dick and an extremely hard time. I'm married now, with a beautiful family, who knows what ridiculous predicament I would be in if I was still with him. He needs to grow up.

Samantha's friend: I heard that.

Samantha: Plus, his idea of a "Merry Christmas" is going to Vegas and putting folded dollar bills in a stripper's orifice. No thanks!

HC: Damn, that was harsh.

50 Cent: There's more my dreadlocked friend!

(The fleet of Hummers whisk HC and 50 off to Danny's house. Danny, as many who read this blog know, is HC's friend of more than 20 years.)

HC: This is more like it, I know Danny won't say any foul shit about me!

50 Cent: Lets see shall we.

(Both of them are in Danny's living room, where they watch him and his family open gifts)

Danny's wife: Why don't you invite HumanityCritic over?

Danny: Naw, fuck that!

Danny's wife: I thought you two were the closest of friends?

Danny: He is my friend, but after 20 years of friendship I realized that HC is all about himself. He doesn't keep in touch unless alcohol and strippers are involved, he is one self absorbed prick. Fuck him, Fuck him up his pansy liberal ass!

Danny's wife: Wow, sorry for asking...

HC: That's fucked up Danny!!(Getting in his face) Why couldn't you just be a man and tell that to my face??

50 Cent: He can't see you jackass, we have one more stop so unwrinkle your panties, we gotta go!

(Next thing HC knows he's in the house of a person who was once a fan of HC's writing, but over the months took HC off of their blogroll for some reason. We will call her Dee Scruntled)

HC: Why are we here? I mean, I know that this person is a mixture of all the people that took me off their blogroll, but how mad can I get since I don't even have a blogroll. I'm sorry that they found my writing boring, or something I wrote objectionable to the point that they would erase my very existence from their blog, but what can one do about that?

50 Cent: Well we're here already, lets see what's up with her?

Dee Scruntled:(Reading this particular blog post) I wonder if he's talking about me? Hmm, I wonder..But HC is right about one thing, 50 cent is wacker than a motherfucker!

50 Cent: OK we gotta go!

HC: No, lets see "what's up" with her..

Dee Scruntled: Jesus man, 50 cent is ruining rap as we know it, and if he thinks he has me fooled by his tough guy routine he has another think coming, his appearance is screaming "homo Thug"

50 Cent: (getting in Dee's face) Fuck you trick, you know who I am!!

HC: Dude, she can't see you, remember?

50 Cent: Fuck this, I have to get you back.

(They both arrive back at HC's house)

50 Cent: That's my time, I have to go to the studio to record a song about an armed robbery that I was never a part of. You will have one more visitor tonight, as you already know by all your fancy book learning, so be prepared!(50 and his swat team leave immediately)

(HC sits on his couch and relights that spliff he was smoking earlier, awaiting the arrival of the final ghost. Then suddenly, the door gets kicked open)

End of Part 2


Mia said...

Happy xmas cheer to you...damn..what an imagination you must have a hard time falling asleep at night!! Much love. Mia

saga said...

See, this story would've ended at Part II, because I would've shot 50 before the "crew" actually made it into the door. good story, but that MF drives me bananas!!!!!!!

Miss Ahmad said...

i don't see any problem with strippers in Vegas on Christmas but that's just me. I mean hell, wasn't Santa all about the Hoe Hoe Hoes?

Brother OMi said...

at least you dissed 50...