If you grew up like I did, a chubby kid with a horrible stutter, you better have had an active imagination that could transport you mind to a different time and place, because if you didn't, I'm pretty sure that your after school ritual would have been sniffing glue then torturing small animals. From imagining me being a superhero and openly rejecting superhero union rules about wearing tight costumes, to me becoming the new member of Run D.M.C, rocking a crowd of 100,000 people while raising my shell-toe Adidas in the air, I have always had the ability to paint vivid pictures inside of my dreadlocked skull. When I got older I became a true believer in visualization, I can remember picturing myself winning the long jump competition right before the actual track meet took place.(It usually worked.) Or me smashing a baseball into the parking lot and striking a pose, even before I set foot on the baseball diamond. When I became a man I used those powers for evil though, visualizing me pounding some asshole into submission at some miscellaneous bar right before I actually did it.
But recently, after I provided my vocals to a song where I was instructed to talk about something I knew nothing about, gun-play and being a pimp, my imagination went into overdrive.(The song was poking fun at gangsta rap, calm down.) It got me to thinking, what if I backed away from the keyboard and decided to become a gangsta rapper? What if I disregarded the lotion and the criminal amount of porn and went on a mission to spread misogyny and violence to millions of impressionable minds? Hey the pays good, and just think about the unlimited amount of patch a motherfucker would get in the process. After mulling the idea around in my head for a few days I decided not to pursue this new found dream, yeah there are positives to embracing this genre, but the negatives would become insurmountable. Here are a few.
I couldn't were excessive jewelry: It seems that the common accessory for the garden variety gangsta rapper nowadays is jewelry, and a shitload of it. OK, let me change my tone of condescension just a bit, because I know damn well that I didn't mind excess jewelry when Slick Rick did it back in the day, so hopefully one of you will give me a hand while I step off of my high horse. That being said, I could never be a gangsta rapper because I find jewelry, especially of the excess variety, rather silly. A few years ago I was dating a woman way above my pay grade, and as a gift she gave me an expensive chain with an accompanying Jesus piece.(At first I thought her lavish gifts were because of the vicious "pipe" I threw her way. But, I learned that she was nuttier than squirrel turds, my "pipe" was actually something that she had contempt for when I left her alone) I wore the chain a few times, but because I'm a severely paranoid fuck, I kept thinking that I would lose it or some stick up kid would try to yank it off my neck. I also couldn't do the gold or platinum teeth thing either, because I suffer from a serious gag reflex problem, don't like hard things in my mouth, and I would be constantly scared that I would swallow them.(The previous sentence, officially, would make me the worst gay guy on the planet if I was indeed a homosexual)
People would question my "manhood": I know the last sentence of the previous paragraph would be enough to put my hetero street cred into question, but I digress. Listen, I am in a band and every misguided woman that finds me "sexy" because of how I look or my verbal stylings is very appreciated.(If they knew that I masturbated like my testicles had an expiration date on it, they would retire from the groupie business forever.) But I'm just a chubby dread-locked blogger who fronts a band with a core fan base of about 100 people, in no way could I even compete with the intergalactic levels of ass that a popular gangsta rapper is exposed to. I'm not going to front, I would be flattered and even maintain a chubby that 5 Viagra's couldn't rival, but at the end of the day I wouldn't do anything with the women in question. Being with thousands of women of ill repute is a rite of passage, fuck it, it's a birth-rite when it comes to being a wordsmith of the gangsta variety, I know that. But I know how I am, a paranoid germaphobe that once openly considered having sex with a women wearing three condoms, the most I would do with my sexually charged fans would be to give them hugs and autographs. Because of that I'm sure my sexuality would come into question, rumors swirling that I'm dating Tom Cruise on the downlow would surface, and bloggers posting photo-shopped pictures of me leaving a gay bar with a an ex-boy band member.
My Hometown would expose me: We all recognize that many rappers are lying when they talk about the drugs they sold or the many people that they shot, we all know that. But they aren't particularly exposed, not ony because of cowardice Hip Hop reporting, but primarily because the rappers indeed come from rough environments so they get a pass on the criminal "fibs" that they tell. The reason why I couldn't tell vivid accounts of how I sold drugs in the hood, shot a couple of guys out of a project window, or ran from police raids as they infiltrated my ghetto is because I'm not from the ghetto. I'm from Virginia Beach Virginia,(not exactly a hotbed for gangster life), went to a High School where I not only tutored students but we also had like 6 black folks in my graduating class, and I have ridden a skateboard for like 75% of my life. I mean, I think I could sell an imaginary past for a little while, most of those guys have the I.Q of room temperature anyway so I'm sure I could come off as believable as them. But my dreams would come crashing to the ground when some jackass like Geraldo Rivera does an in-depth story on my life, interviewing my mother, friends, and girls that I've dated. I can see them showing my nerdy Junior High picture as a girl named Mandy that I went to school with is saying, "HumanityCritic was so sweet and smart. He was part of the math and glee club as I remember!!" My skateboard pals that Geraldo interviews would laugh in fall down hysterics after asking them what they thought about my song "The sound of my AK" Even my mother would expose my pack of lies, telling Geraldo, "That motherfucker cried like a baby when Cochise got killed in "Cooley High", he is as "gangsta" as I am a white woman. Plus, he was a titty baby, he can't be gangsta!!" That's just wrong mom.
People would ignore my views: Regardless how long I gave the camera long and extended ice grills in my videos, or the constant tough guy bantering I'd do when criticizing other rappers, there would be a point and time that I would randomly want to discuss a serious topic weighing in on my mind. People usually hate when actors publicly display a political ideology, saying that the should "shut up and act", but that point of view usually comes from conservatives who don't want to see an actor spread their liberalism across the airwaves. But at least the actors, most of them, have a respectable body of work that can't be refuted. If I became a gangsta rapper I would find it hard for people to take me seriously when I talk about something serious because of the content of my body of work. Imagine I am on TRL promoting my new album, amongst the plethora of screaming pubescent girls, and I want to bring up a topic like global warming or the lack of backbone in the democratic party. What would usually be a very passive host of said show would probably become quite confrontational as they loudly ask me, "Don't you have a song entitled "Mouth-hug, Sandwich, get your ass out!!"?? Dude, you aren't seriously trying to get political are you??" I can see myself being on Larry King, where he originally invited me to talk about the negative influence my music is having on American youth, but I change the topic and start discussing the current health care system or social security. I imagine Mr. King adjusting his glasses, pulling out a piece of paper and saying, "In your new single, you are quoted as saying 'Rhymes stronger than Listerine, been killing people since I was a teen/Your girl didn't want to swallow, I said 'Come on girl its protein!!' HumanityCritic, You have got to be shitting me!!"
I'd have the National Guard protecting me: As many of you know by reading my blog, I have absolutely no problem with walking up to some rapper that I have beef with and punching them dead in their face. I would even like being asked questions about rappers who have dissed me, giving me a chance to vividly describe to the interviewer how the rapper in question doesn't want "any parts of me" and that they should have a "motherfucking eye in the back of their head" because I will be looking for them. I really love talking shit, but the repercussion of regularly spewing said fecal matter is that people might try to end your life with a quickness. So, because of the fact that I'm as paranoid as Scooby and Shaggy at a police checkpoint, I would not only carry guns on me, I would have a bulletproof vest, armored car, and a fleet of heavily trained ex Navy Seals to protect my black ass. It would get ridiculous, me sending decoys of myself to throw off would be assassins, ordering full body cavity searches for groupies I drunkenly had sex with, and lengthy frisks where the person would be forced to take off their shoes and open their mouths just to get an autograph or interview me.
How my passing would be covered: I know I couldn't be a gangsta rapper because of how I feel the media would cover my passing. Look, I do believe the old adage of "If you live by the sword you die by the sword", I really do, but this doesn't apply to every form of death imaginable based on the song lyrics of every gangsta rapper. For example, if I met my demise by being ambushed by 12 men with shotguns, then I can see where my lyrics were relevant in my death. But I will come back and haunt a motherfucking journalist if I die in my sleep, while fucking, jaywalking, masturbating, choking on a Hamburger, or in a plane crash and in their editorial piece about me the writer says some shit like, "Well, if you live by the sword then you die by the sword, and that's what happened to HumanityCritic!!" Fucking journalists!