Monday, December 26, 2005

HumanityCritic's Christmas Carol (Part 3)

Part 3

(HC sits on his couch and relights that spliff he was smoking earlier, awaiting the arrival of the final ghost. Then suddenly, the door gets kicked open)


Saigon: What's up Critic, you know who the fuck I be son! (Snatches joint) Give me that motherfucking blunt!!! (Then proceeds to smoke all of HC's shit) What are you going to do about that?

HC: Not a goddamn thing.

Saigon: That's what I'm talking about, because smart comments might work with studio gangstas like 50, but I have a bona fide criminal past and I will proceed to criminally beat your ass if you get out of pocket. Comprende?

HC: Wait a minute motherfucker, this is my blog so..

Saigon:(cocking pistol) What was that?

HC:(Throwing hands up) OK, OK!! Jesus you're touchy today!

Saigon: Sorry man, it's just that this shit is beneath me. Listen, I'm about to blow up and be the biggest rap sensation in the world, I'm working on my album "The Greatest Story Never Told", I have a lot of shit on my plate and the last thing I need to be doing is showing up in your goddamned blog post

HC: Even if I let you self promote??

Saigon: Bet! (turns to blog readers) If you want to learn about yours truly, just go to this website. Or if you want to check out an exclusive interview featuring the one and only Saigon, go here.

HC: Can we proceed now?

Saigon: Definitely.

(Automatically a limousine pulls up to take them on their journey)

HC: I thought that a flying car would come and pick me up, you being the ghost of Christmas future and all.

Saigon: And motherfuckers 30 years ago thought that we would be living in neighborhood's in the sky and shit like "The Jetsons". Get your ass in!!

(They both travel to the year 2035, sitting in a bar that the now 62 year old HumanityCritic is at, surrounded by lovely ladies)

HC: Yo, I'm going to be a good looking old man!! (looking closely) I see I have a phat knot of cash that I'm spreading around so I guess I have dough, plus I have all that fine ass around me. What's bad about this??

Saigon: For one thing you don't have a wife or any kids..

HC: So fucking what??!!

Saigon: "So what?", you are the loneliest bastard in the history of lonely bastards!

HC: How about all those fine young freaks?

Saigon: All paid for, the only person that actually likes you is the bartender who you get drinks from, but I think that you tipping her 200 dollars each time you drink has something to do with that.

HC: You mean I have no friends to speak of?? How about my family?

Saigon: You alienated them years ago, I have heard about burning bridges but your sorry black ass blew that shit to smithereens!! I have to show you one more thing.

(Both of them find themselves in HC's very big mansion, looking at him drunkenly watch TV with a Santa hat on)

HC: OK, I'm depressed, but I have a mansion though!! Wheww, I'm rich!!

Saigon: Look closer.

HC: OK, the fact that I am still masturbating to "Santa Drawls" after 30 years is kind of sad.

Saigon: No dumb-dumb, look closer!

HC: I see pictures all around me of my family and friends, wait a minute.. What am I doing with a loaded handgun??

(They both witness the 62 year old sobbingly pick up the pistol and put it to his head)

Saigon: Lets pause that image right there.(Image pauses on the elder HC about to blow his brains out) (Grabs HC) Is this where you want to end up motherfucker?

HC: Rich with a shitload of paid for ass?

Saigon: Miserable you asshole! No family, friends, you think someone taking you off their blogroll is troubling, just imagine what state you will be in if you keep up your asshole ways??

HC: Wow, I have to change my ways, I've been an insufferable prick!

Saigon: Pretty much, you have been through a lot tonight, so it's important what you do with the new found knowledge you acquired. This is where I leave you friend, Merry Motherfucking Christmas you black blogging bastard.(Turns to readers) "The Greatest Story Never Told" comes out soon, be looking out for it!! *POOF* (Disappears)

(HumanityCritic wakes up on his couch, shaft in hand, still at the part where Santa's lead elf is "giving it" to Mrs. Claus. He looks at his alarm clock and only 5 minutes have passed, realizing it was all a dream, but the message was clear nonetheless)

(Christmas morning he visits Danny and His wife)

HC:(Handing them gifts) Merry Christmas, God bless the both of you!!

Danny: What in the fuck has gotten into you??

(Later we see HumanityCritic calling Samantha)

HC: Samantha, I just wanted to wish you and your husband a very Merry Christmas

Samantha: Nice try, I'm married, you aren't getting in these panties!!

(HC even wishes all the cashiers that he was ever mean to a "Happy Holiday", even though they think that he lost his mind. He even gave the Salvation Army Santa 100 dollars for the money he took earlier)

(In a "Return of the Jedi" ending, where all the characters come back for a joyous celebration, Rakim, Danny, Dee Scruntled, 50 Cent, Danny's wife, Saigon, Samantha, Samantha's friend, and whoever the fuck I forgot are all having a big party celebrating HumanityCritic's newfound Christmas attitude.)

Chewbacca:(virtually coming out of nowhere, looking at everyone reading this) Arrrrrr, Raaaaaarrrrrr! *translation*: Have a safe and Merry Christmas to all!!!


mai said...

love it. especially Rakim (yum). i know that wasn't the point, but still (yum).

kristen said...

you are a dumbass :) but i loved your rendition of A Christmas Carol. and yeah fiddy is wack

Thykness said...

Okay...what a story! An Excellent read. I even went to pop some popcorn in between part 2 & 3! lol..You are brilliant...Have a Merry Christmas HC! *about to leave and turns around to give HC a big HUG* (((((hug)))))))

Tim said...

Very interesting post my man...

ChezNiki said...

This story is bonkers! Keep up the good work and Happy Holidays!

Pet Campbell said...

You can keep trying to hide your heart, but it slipped thru..
A poignant read...
Merry Christmas, Have a Blessed New Year

saga said...

Sweet - very nice rendition, although to say your imagination is overactive is an understatement. Try to lay off the eggnog & JD combos, before you go to bed, m'kay?

Just kidding - perfect post. Merry Christmas!

Sylvia said...

You never fail to crack me up, HC. Great post...

Happy Holidaze to ya....

MissHarwood said...

Yeah...I always end up laughing - such a classic.

Happy holidays!

TMJ said...

Merry Fuckin Christmas HC! This was def the best xmas carol I've ever seen (read--whatever! i saw it in my head) So is that why you don't have a blogroll? hahahahaha tell dee gruntled to kick rocks.

chele said...

HC -- Clearly, you are not the hard ass that you pretend to be. Hope your holiday was a blessed one.

Breez said...

Really funny. Great post. You gettin' reflective these days?

Brother OMi said...

i give you props for putting chewie in there.

glory said...

hope you had a great holiday HC, and i really liked your christmas carol.

TheSaga said...

LMAO!!! ur a fuckin idiot with the chewbacca ending LOL

Saniyya said...

Happy Holidays HC!!

DivaCatscratch said...

As always...a classic!