I'm not even going to lie to you, if there was one woman on the face of god's green earth able to dethrone Janeane Garofalo off the top of my "Quirky white women who would be worth black women's collective chastisement" list - it would specifically be "Saturday Night Live" alum Tina Fey. Even though historically I've only pelvic-ally underachieved on top of the likes of black and Latino women - there is something strangely erotic about the idea of occupying a bed with a woman who not only shares my love of Monty Python flicks but also occasionally goes on ill-advised "reparation" rants. I'm fully aware that Ms. Fey is a happily married women, but I always envisioned a scenario where she would ask me to join the writing staff of "30 Rock" after stumbling upon my blog one random day - and as she complimented me on a joke that I wrote where I characterized Stephanie Tubbs-Jones as "The Sammy Davis Jr of the Clinton Surrogates", all of a sudden a very innocent glance would turn into a passionate gaze. Before you know it, she'd be abandoning a successful career and a lovely family for an underachieving writer who looks like Lennox Lewis if he had a thyroid problem - and my mother would disown me, not for being with a white woman mind you, but for dedicating my personal and vibe blogs to the many benefits of interracial dating.
That being said, my school-boy crush for Ms. Fey received a rather punishing body blow last weekend as I watched the episode of SNL that Fey returned to host - calling that particular show a 90 minute shill job for Hillary Clinton's campaign is a gross understatement akin to saying that Mickey Mantle was a recreational drinker. First, let me tackle the debate sketch. Forget about the fact that a dread-locked lover of late-night snacking such as myself would have made a better Barack Obama than the actor who played him(Fred Armisen), the comedic recreation of the CNN debate was just a regurgitation of the "Barack is getting a free ride" meme that we've all been tirelessly bombarded with. One of the most astounding phenomenons, outside of Stonehenge, unexplainable crop circles, and the popularity of "Two and a Half Men" - is the universally embraced talking point that Obama is getting preferential media coverage. Sure, the guy is relatively new and people view his meteoric rise with understandable curiosity - but there are a few things to consider.
First off, if the roles were reversed and Barack Obama was the one who lost 11 straight contests, Democratic party elders and the media alike would be begging him to exit stage left - he'd be a darker version of Mike Huckabee, minus the bass guitar playing and the penchant for eating fried squirrels. Only a black man who was president of the Harvard Law Review and a professor of international politics would have an "empty suit" narrative promoted about him in the media incessantly - and despite a website that goes into painstaking detail concerning all of the man's purposed policies, many are left to believe that he's all rhetorical touches and no substance. Barack Obama could publicly burn effigies of Louis Farrakhan to prove that he is in no way affiliated with the man and that still wouldn't be enough, but when John McCain is endorsed by John Hagee, a man who said that Hurricane Katrina was "the Judgement of God against New Orleans" and that the Quran contains a "mandate to kill Christians and Jews" - he is neither asked to reject nor denounce him.(By the way, one of George W Bush's biggest endorsers has been Pat Robertson who once claimed the 9/11 was caused by "pagans, abortionists, feminists, gays, lesbians, the American Civil Liberties Union and the People For the American Way." and that the acceptance of homosexuality could bring about "hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes, terrorist bombings and a "possibly a meteor." - Russert would have never had the "man minerals" to ask Dubya to denounce that certifiable kook) Then you have the Tony Rezko non-story that the media aggressively masturbates all over, the way they try to maintain a straight face while suggesting that the Shady business man might bring down Obama's candidacy is rather giggle-worthy - especially when you think about the rogues gallery of shady characters littered throughout the landscape of Hillary's past. I've also noticed the "Gotcha!" game the media has started playing with Obama supporters, starting with Chris Matthews as he turned an interview in which the Senator from Texas, Kirk Watson, thought he'd be asked about Obama's Wisconsin primary win - but he quickly found out he'd be put through the Spanish inquisition instead. Ever since then, opportunistic reporters exposing a journalistic laziness usually found on gossip blogs - find some unassuming Obama supporter and ask them to dictate Obama's Senate record back verbatim, clumsily awaiting a desired outcome that reminds you of Gerald Rivera in front of Al Capone's vaults.(I did my own unscientific poll of Clinton supporters this past Saturday where I asked them to list some of Hillary's achievements - deers in fucking headlights I tell you. Granted, I did pose my question in a local watering hole, that mostly the intellectually inept frequent, around "last call" - so the alcohol could have been a contributing factor)
Back to Tina. During the "Weekend Update" section of the show, under the title of "Women's News" - there was my baby, Tina Fey, and I just knew that she was lace me with the same sort of comedic gems I usually receive from a garden variety episode of "30 Rock". But unfortunately, in her support of Hillary that I have absolutely no problem with - she just perpetuated the same hamfisted talking points regularly used against Barack Obama, just with more subtlety. When she asked, "Why are people abandoning Hillary for Obama?", and then proceeded to list the possible reasons including a "co-presidency", her physical appearance, and people who think she is a "bitch" - it universally insulted the intelligence of the millions of Obama supporters who co-sign the junior Senator's candidacy for the highest office based on the issues. Then, when she ended the segment with "Bitch is the new black" I cringed, not because I couldn't see any scenario in which ornery and highly disagreeable ladies get a cab over your standard black person in New York City - but it just reminded me of how many times Hillary Clinton has shamelessly used the gender card. Whether it was the uncomfortable moment during the last debate when she referenced SNL and complained about always being questioned first, or her nightline appearance where she claimed that it was tougher being a woman running for president than a black man -for a second, just image the massive outrage and moral indignation if Obama ever decided to play the race card, even in a round about way.
Ok. Who am I bullshitting, nothing can suppress this chubby black man's affection for Tina Fey(unless she has a hidden affinity for Cross burnings or Lil Wayne albums that I don't know about) - I just wanted to let her know that I'm going to tell it like it is whenever we do get together.