Ever since my mother pushed what would grow up to be a degenerate bastard out of her person while briefly staying at an Oahu area hospital 35 years ago, the entire tenure of my existence has been that of a sore winner. Besides the unfortunately selfish episode where I proceeded to lick an entire cake at my 4th Birthday party so none of the other kids in attendance could have any, my mom likes to tell people about the time I took it upon myself to kick every opposing player in the ass while my little league team was receiving our championship trophy. In 10th grade, after soundly conquering the school bully with some well placed chops to the throat and some punishing body work - instead of basking in the glow of victory and possibly befriending the would-be tormentor like some after-school special, I immediately became his bully.(Often administering impromptu "you actually thought you could bully me motherfucker" beatings the rest of that year to what by that time was a 6'6 ball of cookie dough.) One of the first things that I did upon entering college was to break up a pair of High School sweethearts who unfortunately decided to attend the same institute of Higher learning that I did, primarily because the female in that equation saw the same genius in the Fat Boys that I did and had a backside most men would build a fucking shrine to. After successfully wooing her, thus devastating the poor soul who had called her his girlfriend ever since he slipped her a "Do you like me, yes or no?" note in the middle of 9th grade gym class - I unfortunately proceeded to do a rather elaborate end-zone dance on the poor man's heart. From exhibiting the universal sign for cunnilingus every time we crossed paths to very crudely putting my middle finger under his nose as we sat in Western Civilization class while saying "That's the smell of victory my friend!" - its was just another belligerent example of me being an extremely sore winner.
Now, with Barack Obama's historic presidential win only now a month old - lets just say that if celebratory douchebaggery had some sort of master level that people aspired to reach like a martial art, I'd have a golden glow around my chubby visage like the protagonist in "The Last Dragon" and shit. Physically forcing local rednecks to say the words "President Obama" over and over again, telling this old racist bartender that I loathe that Obama's security team will be made up of nothing but Black Panthers, telling another knuckle-dragger that the President-Elect plans on taking over Graceland and throwing rap concerts there. Outside of the brief period of time when I was a teenager and a 29 year old women with breasts bigger than Tootie's very kindly decided to show me the facts of life, on top of my Superfriends bedsheets no less, the incessant gloating that has escaped my mandible from the time John McCain gave his concession speech until now has been the best month of my entire life.
But even being an insufferable prick to some of John McCain's less educated supporters, the ones who worship at the illiterate alter of Sarah Palin while actively thinking that Barack Obama is some sort of crypto-Muslim, simply isn't enough. There are bigger fish to fry, more recognizable names to put on blast - and thanks to Edward Norton's memorable "Fuck you!" scene in "25th Hour", I now have the proper blueprint to fully exercise my post election demons.
"Fuck Joe The Plumber. The memo saying that you were a smoldering piece of shit arrived the nanosecond you compared Barack Obama to Sammy Davis Jr. - you are the human embodiment of all those miserable low income fucks who voted for Bush twice solely because of his carefully manufactured Texas accent and the belief that he'd actually sit down and have a beer with their peasant asses. Fuck Jon Voight. You know, I've historically been pretty good about ignoring an actor's political views and just enjoying their movies, but the conspiratorial bile that you spewed about Barack Obama has me rethinking my bi-partisan viewing habits. You really have to be an inept parent when your kids are both fucked up and hate you. Fuck Larry Johnson. The ex-CIA man with the Moe Howard haircut was so petrified of an Obama presidency that besides running a piss poor mono-syllabic blog that smeared the president elect with racism dog-whistles and xenophobia - this is the same inbred smear merchant that concocted the sloppy Michelle Obama "Whitey" tape rumor. Three months ago you challenged Andrew Sullivan to a fight, next time bring that tough talk to someone who would gladly oblige you motherfucker. *Hint* = Me. Fuck Roseanne Barr. As if infecting us all with Tom Arnold wasn't enough, with your factual inaccuracies and cringe-worthy lack of political knowledge - you became the poster-girl for all those wingnuts out there who hold firm to the misguided belief that celebrities should never express their political beliefs outside of the comfort of their own homes. Even though you went back and correctly erased it, I still remember you angrily referring to Michelle Obama as "Shrek" - stay classy Roseanne. Fuck Geraldine Ferraro. Despite all the goodwill you had collected from being the first female Vice Presidential candidate, you immediately pissed it away by alluding to the idea that Barack Obama was an affirmative action candidate - and instead of apologizing for it, you fully embraced your ignorance and played the victim ad nauseum - even though the Obama campaign rightly ignored your bigoted ass the whole time. Fuck Elizabeth Hasselbeck. For a show that is supposed to celebrate women and their independence, you sure felt comfortable having Sean Hannity's hand firmly up your ass. Thank God, for America's sake, you were too fucking stupid to understand that people see through the desperate smears - especially if they're routinely bombarded with them in the form of histrionic hand-wringing. Fuck Sean Hannity. You unrepentant smear merchant, for 2 years straight you threw so much unsubstantiated smears against the wall in hopes that they stuck that often I found myself sincerely asking "Why don't you just call the guy a nigger already?" Psst.. Sean.. Our new president likes Hip Hop. - take that you dickhead! Fuck Joe Scarborough. Actually as nasty and vile as any right winger out there but tries to mask it with a shit-eating Eddie Haskell facade - he was so excited during the Reverend Wright controversy I thought the guy was going to start spanking it on live television.(I'm pretty sure Pat Buchanan would have joined in) Fuck John McCain. People talk about an Obama media bias, but the press constantly treated John McCain like a special needs toddler - somehow his handlers had more control over the campaign than the man whose name it bared.(Hence the dog-whistles, xenophobia, charges of treason) Fuck Sarah Palin, the political version on Sanjaya, whose rhetoric was so dangerous that the death threats against Barack Obama spiked during her string of Hitler youth hate rallies. I think about all the shit you talked during the Republican National Convention, and how community organizing kicked your ass on election day."