Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Fight Club

(HumanityCritic pacing in front of fellow bloggers)

HC: The first Rule of fight club, you don't talk about Fight Club. Second rule of Fight Club, YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!! Ok, Maybe just this once.. Now that I am older, I have the maturity to turn the other cheek and avoid confrontations that I would of previously engaged in. Here are a few altercations of all types that have occurred during my 31 years of life.

Naps, finger paints, and a good kick in the nuts(1979): Kindergarten was the first time that I learned that if you don't nip a problem in the bud, it will plague you forever. There was this kid who made my life hell, I think his name was Tyrone. He would take my crayons, constantly nudge me, and slap the shit out of me whenever he could. This went on for a while, and I would do nothing about it and constantly cry. I was definitely not a tough kid, and the thought of defending myself seemed impossible. I don't know what happened, but Tyrone came over to slap me and I kicked him square in the nuts. He hunched over, crying loudly, looking at me like he saw a ghost. After that, he never touched me again. Lesson: Good or bad, Violence can solve some problems

Pee wee football blues(1984): I was a stocky kid, so when I played football they always had me playing offensive or defensive line. I forgot how the argument started, but I got into it with this kid named Tony who was like twice my size. In full pads it was a all out war. It became evident, rather quickly, that Tony was beating the black off of me. I could handle getting beat, but in front of a entire team was downright embarrassing. He kept throwing me down by the face mask repeatedly, but I kept getting up and charging him. It was a definite defeat. Lesson: I learned that I never give up.

MC Lyte, "the wop", and beatdowns(1989); I was 15 and I went to this teen club that was in my city at the time. I arrived with my friend Chip, and we were having a good time. I saw this girl who looked like MC Lyte, and I just had to talk to her. I never had a razor Sharpe game, but what I lacked in "smoothness" I made up for in confidence and a inability to be embarrassed. She was digging what I was saying, and we started to dance. Damn she was hot, and I was grinding so hard that I thought I was going to have a "happy accident" on myself. What I didn't know was that she had a boyfriend who was there, and he didn't appreciate the fact that i was simulating a sex act with his girlfriend. He pulls me off her and informs me that he is her boyfriend. He swings for me but misses to the point that he falls to the ground, so I kick him in the face. All of a sudden, 5 of his boys surround me. I felt like I was Bruce Lee in one of his fight scenes, but this wasn't fiction and my black ass didn't know Karate..I got a few licks in, but they pretty much beat my ass. It was a nightmare. Lesson: Good or bad, I can take a ass whipping..

Bad lunch, Bullies, and Bullshit..(1991): I was 17, and I dated this girl from a neighboring High School. It came to my attention quite quickly, that she was also adored by the bully of her High School, a dude name Mark. Whenever I would pick her up at her High School, Mark would be around her, being sure to hug her as soon as I showed up. When I would inquire about his behavior he would respond, "Come on man. We are buddies, stop acting like a bitch." Mark had to be like 250 pounds, and known to be a real badass. This routine went on for weeks, until I finally lost it. One day I went to pick her up with the intent to beat his ass. I arrived at her High School, and mark proceeded in hugging her. I walked up to him and hit him squarely in the mouth.*POW* As he laid on the ground I shouted, "Get your bitch ass up, motherfucker!!" He stayed on the ground, holding his mouth and started to cry..I was shocked. Lesson: Someone's size doesn't matter and someone's reputation might be bullshit..

Work with what you got(1992): When I was in college I would always hang out in the cafeteria and shoot the shit with my friends. There was this kid named Rick who always thought he was funny, and would try to joke people to the point of embarrassment. No one liked him, but I didn't mind him because he never attacked me personally. One weekend we were at this local college bar and Rick was there with a bunch of his friends. Rick, was a amateur boxer who was pretty good. He started joking me, and I made a comment about him being inbred. He joked some more, and I made a comment about his mother giving head to pay for his tuition. He was angered and wanted to step outside. As soon as we got outside, he hit me in the back of the head. We squared up, and it was immediately obvious that he had superior boxing skills, and was definitely using them. After eating about 8 jabs I realized that this guy wasn't hurting me, matter of fact he isn't strong at all. So I abandoned boxing and outright tackled him. Then, I began to choke the shit out of him until he almost passed out. Lesson: Utilize your strengths..

HumanityCritic-Gay Rights activist(1993): There was dude who was in my World Civ. Class who helped me a great deal because I would fall asleep in that boring ass class. The guys name was Ray, and he was a homosexual. I never really understand homophobia because if you are secure in your sexuality, then why do you give a fuck what anyone else does?? I know I love women, so why should I be hateful towards anyone because of their sexual preference? Anyway, I was going to meet ray in front of some building so I could get some notes from him. When I arrived, there were these guys throwing Ray's book bag around, calling him "faggot", and smacking him in his face. I told the guys to "Cut it out" but they said that I was gay because I defended him. I tried to get Ray's backpack back and one of the guys pushed me down. Because there were 5 of them I reached for my backpack, from it I pulled out a miniature bat I had gotten from our local semi-pro baseball team's game that I went to. I proceeded in beating a couple of those guys with the bat, until the bat definitely had blood on it.. Looking back, it has to be the most brutal shit I have ever done in my life. Lesson: I have the ability to go psycho..

Tribe Called Quest, beer, and my Big mouth(1994): After a great show, many people were hanging in the parking lot just wasting time. A dude walked past and I said, "What in the fuck are you looking at?" Looking back, he was definitely minding his business. He said, "what motherfucker??" I said, "You heard me asshole. What?". I thought that he would just step up and talk shit, so when he blasted me in the face lets just say I was shocked. *Goodnight* I was knocked-out cold for about 30 seconds. I was drunk, I started it, and I deserved it. When I snapped out of it, I had the ability to get back up, but I realized that it was all my fault so I stayed on the ground for a minute.. Lesson: Keep my fucking mouth shut..

32 comments:

DaKelzz said...

Great post. The story about the MC Lyte look alike was hilarious!!LOL

Lene said...

Love the stories... especially the one about the high school bully. You completely destryed his rep with one well-placed punch in the mouth. But why was your girl letting him hug her? I look forward to many more of your clever insights....

mhe said...

These were all great stories man. It takes a big man to learn front his past failures as well as his victories.

Funkeedva said...

:) Better you than me....in all of these lessons lol

LB said...

I loved this blog. A lot of us bloggers seem to be reminiscing on the good and not-so-good ole days.

Jdid said...

What did the girl do after you beat up Mark?

Liza Valentino said...

DAMN!!! Yous a violent something! I have to agree, that story about the MC Lyte twin is funny as hell. I've seen plenty a beatdowns come from some dance floor action that was a little too heavy. That is why (everybody say it with me) "You don't bring sand to the beach!!"

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Miss. Sincere said...

You stories were funny, but it's good that you learned a lesson from those experiences....Thanks for stopping by my blogg also.

Miss. Sincere said...

You stories were funny, but it's good that you learned a lesson from those experiences....Thanks for stopping by my blogg also.

Liza Valentino said...
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Sasu...aka Balsera said...

Ok that was good....way to stand up for the gay dude(pple can be so shallow) but the whole baseball bat in your bag is suspect......
Anyway the stories are too funny esp when you were trying to start something and you got a handful(literally)....good thing you were not inebriated enough to completely act the fool.

Toya said...

LMAO, this is a funny post...lol, at least you was honest about when you did get your behind kicked...i've never been in a fight though, i've always kept to my self...well fighting my brother and cousins dont count.

Liza Valentino said...

See, now when you see me choke out blogger.com for posting my comment that many damn times, you can add that to the list. Sorry about that....

greggy said...

Great read! I can definitely relate to the lesson learned in the kindergarten example, although mine happened at a much older age for me. All in all it was a lesson I live by to this day. Only in rare instances will the beast come out during a potential conflict, but when he out....it's because someone needed some "education". Peace!

notyouraverage.... said...

wow. great read - but boy you've really gotten into some 'good' situations! lol. at least you've learned and are looking back and laughing.

Belle said...

You have um...been in some scrapes but you can hold your own. I'm glad you can turn the other cheek now. I was excited as hell to see somebody from VB. Funny post. I look forward to reading more.

kashata said...

LMAO@ all your stories,u live and u learn,kudos on admitting to have been on the receiving end once in awhile!!.

G. Cornelius Harris said...

This goes down as a classic...I'll keep you posted

gonebabygone said...

Bravo on beating some homophobe ass! That situation could have gotten really bad for Ray. I have quite a few friends who have been beaten within an inch of their lives for being gay. It's so sad. WEll, being a girl, I haven't been in very many fights but I will tell you that I have the rage of a chihuahua and most of the guys in my nieghborhood feared me after one of their asshole friends jumped on top of me when he wasn't welcome to. I employed your kindergarten tactics along with a couple of moves that Layla Ali would laugh at.

E to the dwige said...

LMAO! That was such a funny post..tks for being honest.

Meka said...

you made me laugh out loud at work, a place where laughter goes to die. thanks!!

Yolie said...

HC, I gotta find some kind of award for this one. You did us justice here, my friend. LMAO

josie said...

oh damn man, this post was the best that i have ever read from you and any other blogs! it was good.

Zantiferous3 said...

Lesson: Good or bad, Violence can solve some problems

So true... about a year ago, the husband... who LOOOOOOVES to fight and LOOOOOVES confrontation... told me, "There's not too many problems that a good ass whipping can't solve." At first, I turned to the 5'9", 240 pound muscle-bound bully(some of ya'll saw his pic when I posted it on my site) and said, "That's a horrible thing to say." But when I thought about it, and he explained it further, it is absolutely true. He said, "It sounds brutal, but think about it. If someone did something to you and you turned around, hauled off and BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THEM for it... how many times do you think they would do that shit again?" Hmmm... I had to think about this. Then he said, "okay, you don't know? Then what if you did something to someone and they turned around and beat the shit out of YOU??? How many times would YOU do that again???" LOL... so you're right. It's true. Can't agree more.

August said...

Freakin HILARIOUS! Wish I had a big brother like you. Also, I wish I had the opportunity to carry a bat in my backpack at just the right time to save somebody else's ass. That seems like something out of "The Butterfly Effect" or either an old NWA video. I plan to read you regularly and link to you from my new blog > http://staceymahoney.com/myblog.

Take care, HC.

- Stacey/AugustDC

August said...

Freakin HILARIOUS! Wish I had a big brother like you. Also, I wish I had the opportunity to carry a bat in my backpack at just the right time to save somebody else's ass. That seems like something out of "The Butterfly Effect" or either an old NWA video. I plan to read you regularly and link to you from my new blog > http://staceymahoney.com/myblog.

Take care, HC.

- Stacey/AugustDC

Brother OMi said...

dude you are a freakin' superhero.. ha ha ha ha