For a long time whether it came from the lips of my mother, or some funny story that some random comedian has told, I have heard that a person's kids will act worse than they ever did. I sat with my mother the other day as she skipped through a old scrapbook of my baby pictures. She told me a shitload of stories about my actions as a baby, which led me to believe that I possibly have been nuttier than squirrel shit from the womb. If what they say is true, about someone's kids being worse than them as a form of punishment, I will have my hands full whenever I plan to spread my demon seed. Here are a few stories my mother told me, as we sat and looked at some old pictures.
Slap Happy: My mother told me that it was hard to have me around other kids, because I would end up slapping them for no reason. There was a incident where my mother had came to pick me up from the daycare center, and when she arrived I had 2 kids crying hysterically because I had just given them the business end of a 2 year olds "pimp" hand. She told me that during that time period she found herself apologizing a lot, and she told me that spankings and slaps on the hand wouldn't work because I never cried. As we sat in her living room and looked through old pictures, she said "I'm surprised that your ass didn't become a mass murderer or something like that!" Then she paused, looked at me, and said "But then again you are still young." Gee, thanks Mom.
Self Expression: Listening to my mother the other day I get the feeling that I have had issues with verbal turrets for years now. She began telling me about incidents where I would once again embarrass the shit out of her. Like this one time when I was with her in a supermarket and I pointed at a disabled kid's dome, and said loudly "Ohhh, Mama, Look at that baby's Head!!" My mother tried to politely "shush" me and I replied, "But his head is huge mama!" My poor mother. Or this one time, as I'm told, I pointed to a gentleman's glass eye and said, "What is wrong with that guy's eyeball momma?? It's pointing(motioning to the left) that-a-way!" She said that it got to the point that she would stop apologizing and just hi-tail it out of there.
Fun with Bowel movements: My mother told me that when I was in the confines of our home, I acted just fine. But apparently, whenever I had a bowel movement in a public place, I would let out a loud "Uhhhhhhhhh" when I was in the act of dropping those tiny brown nuggets. My mother didn't let her horror get the best of her, since she figured it was a one time occurrence. That was until she took me with her to lunch with a few of her friends one summer day. As I sat in a high chair, and they chatted in this ritzy restaurant on the island of Hawaii, I let out a huge "Uhhhhhhhh" as I released my bowels. What made it worse, what my mother tells me, is that my face was contorted as I let out that ungodly noise.
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