Friday, July 08, 2005

A Quick post about my baby idiosyncrasies.

For a long time whether it came from the lips of my mother, or some funny story that some random comedian has told, I have heard that a person's kids will act worse than they ever did. I sat with my mother the other day as she skipped through a old scrapbook of my baby pictures. She told me a shitload of stories about my actions as a baby, which led me to believe that I possibly have been nuttier than squirrel shit from the womb. If what they say is true, about someone's kids being worse than them as a form of punishment, I will have my hands full whenever I plan to spread my demon seed. Here are a few stories my mother told me, as we sat and looked at some old pictures.

Slap Happy: My mother told me that it was hard to have me around other kids, because I would end up slapping them for no reason. There was a incident where my mother had came to pick me up from the daycare center, and when she arrived I had 2 kids crying hysterically because I had just given them the business end of a 2 year olds "pimp" hand. She told me that during that time period she found herself apologizing a lot, and she told me that spankings and slaps on the hand wouldn't work because I never cried. As we sat in her living room and looked through old pictures, she said "I'm surprised that your ass didn't become a mass murderer or something like that!" Then she paused, looked at me, and said "But then again you are still young." Gee, thanks Mom.

Self Expression: Listening to my mother the other day I get the feeling that I have had issues with verbal turrets for years now. She began telling me about incidents where I would once again embarrass the shit out of her. Like this one time when I was with her in a supermarket and I pointed at a disabled kid's dome, and said loudly "Ohhh, Mama, Look at that baby's Head!!" My mother tried to politely "shush" me and I replied, "But his head is huge mama!" My poor mother. Or this one time, as I'm told, I pointed to a gentleman's glass eye and said, "What is wrong with that guy's eyeball momma?? It's pointing(motioning to the left) that-a-way!" She said that it got to the point that she would stop apologizing and just hi-tail it out of there.

Fun with Bowel movements: My mother told me that when I was in the confines of our home, I acted just fine. But apparently, whenever I had a bowel movement in a public place, I would let out a loud "Uhhhhhhhhh" when I was in the act of dropping those tiny brown nuggets. My mother didn't let her horror get the best of her, since she figured it was a one time occurrence. That was until she took me with her to lunch with a few of her friends one summer day. As I sat in a high chair, and they chatted in this ritzy restaurant on the island of Hawaii, I let out a huge "Uhhhhhhhh" as I released my bowels. What made it worse, what my mother tells me, is that my face was contorted as I let out that ungodly noise.

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22 comments:

Amadeo said...

Could this be the evolution of the throat chop? My cousin used to break free in department stores and feel womens legs...he had a thing for stockings.

BSbabe said...

That's halarious...I feel sorry for your mother, but I'm sure she's over all that now. I wish you'd post a pic of when u were younger...I love baby pictures!!! Later!

ShellyP said...

Your time will come. It's one of those perfect cycles in life. What you did to your mama, your child will do to you. Just giving you something to look forward to.

Girl With An Alibi said...

When I was about 6 my parents had an early Richard Pryor album which unbeknownst to them I could hear quite clearly through the walls. One day they were sitting in the kitchen of my grandma's house and they overheard me doing one of his routines word-for-word for my cousins down in our basement play room. At the top of my lungs I was yelling "Shit MEANS SHIT!" My grandmother was in shock and they had to explain that I heard that language coming from their bedroom.

ManNMotion said...

Look at that big head momma! LOL

Ola said...

LOL @ she said "I'm surprised that your ass didn't become a mass murderer or something like that!" Then she paused, looked at me, and said "But then again you are still young." Gee, thanks Mom.


I helped raised my lil bro and i swore up and down that boy acted a fool just to embarrass us. When we'd go to the store i could just tell how he’d act once we got in the store by just looking at the movement of his eyes as we’re entering the store *smh* so my sister and i would leave him with my mom and go wondering around. if we heard screaming we'd just move further away..LOL

even as a kid u were hilarious.

Anonymous said...

My nephew is the best. We walked in a restaraunt one day and there were a couple of Chinese men having dinner. He screams out "Look Auntie, its Jackie Chan!!" and commences to do his best kung fu impression. Also, I lived in Philly (the muslim capital of the world) and we were out and this chick has the whole garb thing and dress on. My nephew points to her real loud and says "OOHH A NINJA!!" and goes back to his kung fu. I have got to pay more attention to what he watches.

piranha said...

my brother was worse. i honestly thought he would become an alcoholic, abusing women, and in the worst case one of those dumbass idiots who know nothing but trouble and shit.
i love him now more than anything in the world (well, hum, i mean you know what i mean -after the guy who stole my heart last weekend) and am really proud of him. but hell, as a kid! in the supermarket, for example, he would LIE down and scream if my mother wasn't going to buy what he wanted. he was a fuckin tyrann. and now thats really worse than such a little funny thing that you were. i am sure your kids will be allright with such a dad! i favor more the theory that kids always kinda reverse things and reversing your attitudes and stuff would be boring, but safe and decent, wouldn't it????

:-)

Girl With An Alibi said...

Pirahna you may be right about reversing things. I think at a certain point the bad genes reach critical mass and then you get the reversal effect.

My cousin was so bad we nicknamed her the "Bad Seed." I could write volumes on the stuff she did. But her two daughters are the most well-behaved, polite, articulate little ladies you've ever seen. I figure my cousin pretty much knows every trick in the book so the kids don't stand a chance in pulling one over on her. She's a great single mom... but oddly still a bad seed with her own mother and our grandmother. Go figure.

jpsweet said...

I think I have a winner...My daughter, who is three, has just recently learned the physical difference between boys and girls. She has helped my aunt bathe 2 of her baby cousins-one a boy and the other a girl. One day I am going into the restroom and my daughter is following me. When we enter, she hurries to shut the door and says, "I'll shut the door for you Mommy so no one sees your penis". Needless to say I was shocked, but could not help but crack up. I did not know at the time that my aunt had taught her the proper terms "penis and vagina". I quickly corrected her and told her that I was a girl and did not have a penis, and she says, "Oh yeah, just boys have penis." Luckily this was all in the privacy of my mother's house. But, about a month later she announces to everyone dining at Godfather's Pizza, "I am a boy like Jacob and I have a penis." If I thought my fat ass could have crawled underneath the table, I would have! I guess I should just be thankful she is not using terms like cock and pussy!

Sankofa said...

Nope...gotcha ya. My sons are very close to my parents. So my mom was having a hysterectomy. We went to the hospital to see her after the surgery. We walked in the room and she was still pretty groggy. Apparently, my mom had spoken to the boys about everything. So my sweetie B begins to cry. I take him outside and the nurse and I begin gently trying to comfort him....so he shouts out "DID YOU TAKE OUT MY NANA'S UTERUS!!!" We were shocked...trying to not laugh. So the nurse said, "Well, yes, sweetie, we did." So little B, looking even more concerned and now really bawling, "WELL WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO PUT IT BACK!" I thought the nurse and I were going to need some sort of surgery ourselves because it took a few good minutes for us to get ourselves together.

Mia said...

I can only imagine the stank that went with the uuugggghhhh

SunShyn said...

that sounds about normal to me, you mean my kids might turn out like you?

josie said...

boy, i use to eat red sand. then cry "my belly". But how you was sound normal man. I ate red sand. Strange I should think.

coley said...

So basically you're telling us that you've been a mess since day 1... LMAO at you slapping little kids for no damn reason! Straight Evil!!! :)

Kathryn said...

That is hilarious. I wonder why parents wait until you get old...or around company to tell you these stories, lol. I have had my share of those.

SoSadiStic said...

Slap Happy...LOL, you should have been in class with me cause i would have slapped your ass right back!

obifromsouthlondon said...

if only me mother would stop telling them silly tales to my friends and strangers.

"Oh you don't know, when he was a little baby he used to smear ..."

MissHarwood said...

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Jdid said...

ha ha ha, oh man this is too funny. actually i had that issue with fighting as baby and as a kid up until i was about 11. man i' just got into fights for no reason at all

CaffeineDiva said...

I had just given them the business end of a 2 year olds "pimp" hand

PRICELESS!

You are too much. Your poor mom, she must have dreaded parent-teacher meetings. So you really were crazy from birth huh? Good to know. I feel bad for the woman who's brave enough to procreate with you!

SeaKitty said...

i can not stop laughing. ok i stopped. but that was funny. my mom would have slapped me silly. i grew up in fear. sad.