Thursday, July 21, 2005

Sleeping Ugly

Believe it or not, HumanityCritic has somewhat of a soft side. I can picture myself settling down, having a black picket fence, and having 2.5 kids. I can really see that, honest. But when I look deeper, and over-analyze(like I always do), I know that whoever Mrs. HumanityCritic is she will absolutely have her hands full. Granted, I would be faithful, show her the utmost respect, and never bring any other women into our bed.(Unless the woman is Rosario Dawson, she can't refuse that!) But my utter bullshit and my asinine idiosyncrasies will be tough for her to deal with, no doubt abut that. Forget my agenda of rage, my angry verbal outbursts, or how I will throat-chop a motherfucker on the drop of a dime either. I'm talking about something more close to home, literally.. My bad sleeping habits.

Those covers are mine!: That's right, I am a complete cover hog. It's weird though, because when I am awake, ready to go to sleep, a share the covers and I am very gracious. But something strange happens as soon as I close my eyes, I take complete control of the covers like Linus from Charlie Brown, but on Steroids and shit. There have been many occasion where I have woken up, smothered with sheets, with the woman beside me naked for all the world to see. There was this one time where a girlfriend of mine tried for 10 minutes to pry my lifeless body out of some sheets that I had cocooned myself in. Another girlfriend that I had went as far as to get a staple gun and staple the sheets on her side to the bed so I wouldn't hijack them. Unfortunately I am a prick in my sleep as well, because when we woke up, the staples were violently ripped out.

Shut the fuck up: Did I mention that I talk in my sleep as well? Yes, guilty as charged. Usually, when I talked in my sleep it was just random words, like the time where I uttered, "Peanuts..Willie Nelson..Rental Cars." But there have been times when it got bad, like the time where I apparently went on a 5 minute freestyle rap session in my sleep. Or the time, as I am told, when I went on a verbal tirade as I told some imaginary person "Shut your bitch ass up!", repeatedly for a few minutes. The worst case by far, is when I accidentally called a woman "Missy" when her name was actually "Deidre".(The funny thing about that is I have never known anyone named Missy in my entire life. OK, if you count the time when I yelled at Missy Elliot "Your music sucks ass!!" in traffic because she gave me a nasty look as "knowing", then I guess you can count that.) But talking in my sleep is frustrating for a few reasons. 1: What if I was a secret agent and my black ass went and blabbed the top secret info in my sleep? 2: What if I ran my mouth while I was sleeping and told my wife what I was getting her for Christmas? 3: What if a brother wants to have sex with his intern "Lewinsky" style, I would totally tell on myself. That sucks.

Fight Club: Probably the most dangerous of all the sleeping habits is the fact that I have been known to throw punches in my sleep. Granted, I have never connected and hit a loved one, only hitting the headboard while having a violent dream, but it is some scary shit all the same. I couldn't tell you how many women wouldn't sleep with me again because of that violent outbursts of nocturnal aggression.(That's what I tell myself, because dealing with the fact that I throw weak "pole" is already damaging to already low self esteem) This one time I was dating this aspiring model, so in the morning when she tried to shake me in a violent manner, she was almost the recipient of a HumanityCritic 4 piece.(..and I don't mean KFC) The look of horror on her face was like she had just seen me murder a puppy or something, or vote republican, or like she had just seen one of those fucking ghetto gospel plays. It was that bad. The only way she would sleep with me again was if I would, in some way, tie my hands so they were unable to throw any punches during the night. So I did what any self respecting, proud black man would have done when faced with such a humiliating request: I tied my motherfucking hands! Shit, I wasn't denying myself from telling wildly inappropriate "I used to bang a supermodel" stories, my stocky ass isn't looking a gift horse in the mouth!

Nocturnal Roamer: I don't do this so much now, but in my early 20's I had a problem with sleep walking. At first it was no big deal, my girlfriend at the time would find me in the kitchen, looking in the refrigerator swaying back and forth. She would simply guide me back to the bedroom and that was that. But as time went on things got to be a bit stranger. For one thing, I would find myself in bedrooms that I would never sleep in, waking up under a desk like a fucking crackhead or something. My friends even gave ave me a "suicide intervention" one time based on the fact that my friend Calvin found me sleeping in the backseat of my car that was parked in my garage.(I still remember telling my friends, "What person who tries to commit suicide does so while sleeping in the backseat, their windows rolled up, and no key in the ignition!!") The most embarrassing sleep walking episode was when I was sleeping over a girlfriends house. I guess I thought I had opened the door to the bathroom, when in actuality I had opened her front door and started peeing on her porch. The most embarrassing part was that it was around the same time her neighbors were going to work, so apparently they got a show that morning. I don't remember any of that obviously, but I still have a scar on my arm from where the girl I was with tackled me to the ground to get my naked ass out of her doorway.

62 comments:

IsLifeLame said...

I do an alligator/crocodile style death roll with the covers and they eventually end up on the floor. Now my wife has seperate sheets for me to use.

totolehero said...

i sleep talk as well.., maybe we can have a rap battle one of these nights.. hahahaha

blakkwidow said...

OK we would put on a show if we slept in the same bed. Call me a donkey, b/c I'm a kicker!!!

LOL... good post.

piranha said...

'...based on the fact that my friend Calvin found me sleeping in the backseat of my car that was parked in my garage.'

lmao.

that was hilarious. but i guess those little uglies of your sleeping habits will make you even more adorable and special to the woman who truly loves you. i know that. my parents love their little uglies and they are together since almost 30 years sleeping in the SAME bed.

E_1979 said...

"Peanuts..Willie Nelson..Rental Cars."

Willie nelson?

Dude..

I totally steal the covers... my girl always like damn ... you are such a jerk when you sleep .... like I don't get cold.

Rhonda said...

Daymn your dangerous! LOL That is so freakin funny.

Nikki said...

Another cover hog checkin' in. Those babies are mine whenever my man and I are in bed.

Midlife Crisis said...

Humanity Critic, this explains why you so eloquently voice the human condition for all of us.

You are an admitted (self)destructive time bomb on a REAL short fuse and yet for the LOVE of this hot chick (okay--being able to say you boned this hot chick) you TIE YOUR HANDS. Tres romantique!

Midlife Crisis LOVES YOU. Keep on doing your thang.

CaffeineDiva said...

Maybe you should find a woman who wouldn't mind sleeping in a different room while only being in a bed with you for the sake of sex!
Personally, my last boyfriend use to get annoyed because in the middle of the night I would move to a different room and sleep there.
I've also been accused of singing, talking, and crying in my sleep.
I did punch the fuck out of one guy in my bed & I blamed it on my sleep... but I just wanted to punch him ;)~
Just keep a spare set of covers on her side of the bed & she should be fine with the cover hopping thing

Lambchop said...

ROFLMAO!!!! I'm clutching my stomach cracking up at work! That was hilarious! I honestly thought all of your sleeping "issues" were workable until I got to the "fight club" piece. That's some scary ish! That's the only thing I would have a problem with.

Cant imagine walking into work and having to explain the black and blue bruises on my face..."See, no. He didnt MEAN to hit me. He was just sleep slappin'...."

LOL @ "...waking up under a desk like a fucking crackhead or something."

Classic!

Lambchop (Chops)~

amber said...

LOL! That is the funniest thing I have read in ages! Keep it up!

Ghost said...

glad to hear im not the only one who has awoken throwing fists of fury.

Msnhim said...

God, and I thought having to listen to snoring was bad but you take the cake.

Funny ass hell though!!!!!

MEP said...

I talk in my sleep sometimes too, and I used to have a problem with sleepwalking. Once I crawled into my parents' bedroom closet and told them: "I'm in jail, you can't get me out!"

I have no idea why.

Butta said...

Why do I crack the hell up every time I visit your blog? Oh how I wish somebody woulda taped your nocturnal freestyle rap. Now THAT woulda been hella funny.

Will said...

Aww mannnn... I literally laughed out loud at the "4 piece." I've been known to talk in my sleep. One time, this young lady I was with didn't actually TALK per se, but she was making all sorts of arm movements and shaking her head like she was tellin somebody off. All while sleeping. LOL Shiiii...glad it wasn't me she was mad at. LOL

Great post!

peachy said...

I used to sleepwalk, but I guess I grew out of that.

I think my only bad sleeping habit now is that I sleep diagonally. I start out straight, and then when I wake up, I'm diagonal on the bed.

BLESSD1 said...

As far as I know, I'm not a cover hog, but as for everything else, I feel your pain. I've had 3 sleepwalking episodes....once where I awoke outside of my house in my tighty-whities (stop laughing...I was 10); another I awoke dangling from the ladder of my bunk-bed, whispering "help me...help me". I've spit a freestyle verse in my dream that was so hot that I had to write what I could remember when I awoke, and I've awakened w/bruised knuckles from punching my wall in my sleep. I'm afraid to mention these things to the women I'm "getting to know better", cuz I'm afraid they won't hang around when they find out about my homicidal nocturnal sleeping habits! LOL! Excellent post, as usual, man.

P.S. I'm STILL laughing at the "wake pole" comment.

BlueAngel said...

All she needs is her own covers, some earmuffs, some shin guards and shoulder pads, and a good video camera...she'll be alright!

Jdid said...

i get my covers stolen so much that i instituted a seperate cover rule.

Dee said...

dam bro...you covered them all! You and future wifey are gonna have to have twin beds!!! LOL

Nelly said...

Aww! I grind my teeth in my sleep. It's pretty bad. All my girlfriends in high school hated sleeping over because they were so disgusted!

gonebabygone said...

My husband was sleep walking once and opened the door to the closet thinking it was the bathroom.

Martha said...

Wow dude. your sleeping habits are serious. I am too a sheet hogger as well as a sleep talker. I even talk in my sleep when I fall asleep standing up (or sitting down). You don't wanna know how I came to find that out. I may have tried to fight a dude in my sleep too, but i can't remember. Is every night an adventure for you or is this a monthly thing? Do you have very vivid dreams too?

2hot2handle said...

I talk in my sleep, but supposedly only when I've been drinking. Man, one night, my ex told me that I sang the Anita Baker song "Sweet Love". He said he woke up completely, and looked at me, but I was fully asleep, singing until my heart was content. Scary thought. I'm like you, what if I end up singing Usher's "Confessions" and tell on myself? Scary thought. I guess that's enough motivation to keep myself out of trouble

kashata said...

A mess,LOL@ fight club.It's good to see that you are still delivering HC!

Robyn said...

I am not eeeeeven going to lie, I've had guys tell me that I have talked in my sleep evvverry once in a while and each time I'm thinking "oh shit...what in the SAM hell did I say" but there's no easy way to say "baby, did I wsay some shit that was incriminating and inappropriate and now yo're pissed off???"

So, I try to sound casual and go "oh really.....well, what did I say?"

It's at that point that I make a mental note to self : "self, SHUT THE FUCK UP fo' you get US in trouble!" LOL

To date I haven't called out any other guys name or anything, so maybe my self therapy worked :-)

Kari said...

Yeah well... Let's just say I know about the sleep talking all too well. I've been known to belt out a tune... or scream out "BOYS FUCKING SUCK". There are those times when I think I'm awake in my mind, but I keep telling myself, "Kari- WAKE THE FUCK UPPPP! STOP TALKING STUPID SHIT!" And I ramble out things about "stuffing crabs". I remember the whole thing too. That's what's sad. I couldn't stop myself. My roommate came to wake me up... I said "i already have them stuffed they're almost done! I got them!" She just laughed and said, "okay". Then I preceded to go on telling her about how I didn't really like crabs anyway... blah blah blah. Yes- I'm offically a DUMB ASS!!! :)

BTW--- Thanks for coming over to my blog. Some interesting shit happens there occasionally!

melette said...

I'm glad that I just talk in my sleep. You are doing a lot even in sleep.

Kendazzle said...

Dayum...
If you have a chick over for the 1st time - do you like try not to fall asleep?
This is some hilarious shit though man..for real!
I had an experience with an active sleeper. Just ended up (after the 1st glass shattering snore) sleeping on the couch.
Thanks for stopping by my way - um, yeah.

Chele said...

Maybe you should attend a sleep study or try sleeping pills to take you into a deeper sleep. My ex did a lot of the stuff you described....but it was brought on by alcohol.

kozmic_cocoa said...

Hmm, You just need to have two full-sized beds in your large bedroom. I say full-sized so it wouldn't get crowded if one of you ventures over to the other for a little midnight tango. (Or midday or early morning - whatever the case may be). See, Problem solved! :D

Amadeo said...

We might be related dude...I've done all of those things (save for the pissing on the porch) the only real difference is I HAVE hit people in my sleep...I had a couple girls try to hit me back but at that point I don't even feel it.

Nia said...

LMMFAO!!!! I'm over here dying you sound just like my ex. Man! I'd almost swear to that except for the the fact that I'm sure he can't read. Ok, I'm exaggerating he can read. Just not complicated words like "asinine idiosyncrasies." Funny thing is...he insisted on cuddling his way to sleep like a big baby. So not only was he prone to veral and physical outbursts but he wanted me right there beside him to experience them. He did cheat though and yes I found out when he was sleep. Idiot. (not you...him) LOL

courtneyelizabeth said...

lmao @ throwin punches...lol

coley said...

Hey there Linus on steroids... LOL!
You know yo ass just got me caught up at work right ?... I had no choice but to LMAO (out loud of course) @

"My friends even gave ave me a "suicide intervention" one time based on the fact that my friend Calvin found me sleeping in the backseat of my car that was parked in my garage.(I still remember telling my friends, "What person who tries to commit suicide does so while sleeping in the backseat, their windows rolled up, and no key in the ignition!!"

I just got the strangest looks and fronted myself out for being on the internet when I'm not supposed to...

You killed me with this post HC! DAYUM, that ish is hella funny! And I thought I had issues. I almost caught a "4 piece" once (as you put it)... but luckily he missed. And yeah I've told on myself about something while talking in my sleep... But I played it off! :)
Happy weekend!

Tazzee said...

My sister talks in her sleep. Her college boyfriend would get angry because she would periodically 'wake up' asking him who he was and why was he in her bed. I didn't believe him at first, until one time she did that to me - except she grabbed me by my hair yanked my head up and asked me. I almost became my momma's oldest child that night.

All I can say is, please get some help, man - please.

Girl X said...

I loved your post! I can't say that I can personally relate to any of the things you listed, nor have I been with a partner who had any of your habits. Still, it was an entertaining read. You definitely have a way with words.

MissHarwood said...

Absolute classic as normal HC!!!
I sleep talk aswell, sometimes, but nothing as bad as that!:P

Coffey0072 said...

....hahahahahaha
I cannot stand cover hogs!
Another great story, H.C.!

Um, this is why the last man I slept with, I very politely blew up my air mattress, got him some sheets, and told him HE was sleeping down there... and that my alarm goes off at 5:30AM so be ready to be up and at'em. He was also annoyed, because I like to sleep with the fan blowing on high. The white noise sound lulls me to sleep. He stared at me, incredulous, but oh well... tee hee...
My neurosis spills over into bedtime too... so I guess I'm a case study in that department, as well.

Brown Shuga said...

Man...have I ever told you that I absolutely love your writing style?!? This shit right here, had me rotflmao! Cover hog? I've been known to be one from time to time. So I can feel you on this. That fight club shit?!? Hell to the naw! The funniest part was me envisioning you doing that. *shaking my head* OMG! This was too funny. Too...too funny!

RandomQueen said...

iv been tld i attack ppl in my sleep

Dayrell said...

gosh hc! and i thought "i" was a horrible sleeper!! LOL

SoSadiStic said...

i am looking into a black fence also.

btw, we couldnt sleep together because you would end up on the floor

Danica said...

I was browsing the web and I've came across your blog. Its really cool! Catch my blogs too! Check out my profile.. Kisses!

I am Jack said...

That was great man..lol

Anonymous said...

I always know to get the best comedy here. Plus, you have so many comments, and you don't cheat by commenting yourself.

U-Liang said...

I also have some horrible sleeping habits myself. You definitely aren't alone.

FantasyFootballGuru said...

Try not to hurt anyone with those nocturnal combinations. LOL @ You!

shinjyo said...

Awesome, creative post!

Bec said...

Sometimes I hog the covers, and talk in my sleep.

DUKE OF FLUKE said...

Man, I spilled my drink on that one.

princessdominique said...

You've got a serious issue with covers (bedsheets) huh?

Materiyal said...

I love ur blog its very cool.
Im the same way I cussed my roomate out in my sleep. I walked from my room to the living and cussed him out. It was mess.

Anonymous said...

black picket fence.
nice touch.

Sunnchine said...

I am also a cover hog, so I guess we'd be straight fighting over sheets in our sleep. LOL!

The Guru said...

Woah talk about female attention!
How do you do it HC?

At least you don't wet the bed.

Running2Ks said...

YIKES! And I thought the snoring husband and the sleepwalking children were bad here. You, my virtual friend, take the cake. Although my husband (as a child) sleepwalking over to his unsuspecting brother and peeing on him may have been a close second.

Blue said...

you my friend are a hilarious mess!!!

if i wasn't gay I would sooo be crushin' on you right now lol

*besos*

-azul

button_nose said...

LMAO......and I thought spitting on myself in my sleep was bad! You're good bro. Great post!

STYLE+GRACE said...

i have been dealing with the sleep talking issue since i was a kid...i remember tellin my mom off in my sleep this one time when we were stayin in a hotel on vacation...she didnt think it was soo funny...i got a beating to make sure i didnt slip up in my sleep ever again.

i usually say something random but i have been known to carry on full conversations with people who are awake while im sleep...my college friends once video'd me talking about a rather eventful date in my sleep...nosey heffas.

MUSCAT said...

Mate, nothing is worse than dropping your guts on your girlfriends back while your a sleep... zzzzzzRRRIP!!!zzzz