For the past few weeks my mother has been nagging me to death about going to church with her, so I obliged her this past Sunday even though I woke up feeling completely hung over with stripper glitter embedded in my skin. I'm not shitting you, after scrubbing myself like I had just drunkenly slept with Paris Hilton, that glitter shit was so hard to come out that I think that it's a top secret Stripper plot to sabotage relationships or something. So I put on my Sunday best, promised myself that I wouldn't embarrass my mother, and prepared myself for religious Tao-Bo.(See, for anyone who has attended a catholic service will tell you, it is akin to a work-out session. Sit, stand, hug, sit, stand, kneel..) On the way there my mother, who has changed churches because of my previous antics, told me that I needed the lord in my life in her own way, saying "HumanityCritic, you need the motherfucking lord in your life!! Tighten your shit up and get some religion." I agreed with her, feeling that her sudden need for me to become best friends with Christ was because of how into religion I was as a kid. I mean, I was a good catholic boy, knowing scriptures, being nice to strangers, I was an alter boy for Christs sake!! But as the years have gone by I have seen men of the cloth disrespect their particular title, the cult-like symptoms some loved ones had when they found religion, and the homophobia and racism that has been carried out on God's name, so that soured me on Religion a bit.
So as soon as my mother and I entered the church I felt like I had just walked into a Klan bar on Karaoke night, everyone turning around in a "what in the fuck are YOU doing here" kind of way. So I sat down with my mother and everything went swimmingly well for the first few minutes, but what happened afterwords is the main reason that my mother won't be asking me to church anytime soon.
My turrets: I don't know what it is, but for as long as I can remember intimate thoughts that should have stayed inside my head tend to fly out. Like the time where I said "Because you're a whore!!" when my friends girlfriend sobbingly asked why they broke up, when I told a cop "Shut the fuck up Serpico!" as he lectured me about speeding, or when I told a young woman "Are we gonna fuck or what?" after like our 3rd assless date, I have serious problems keeping my thoughts to myself. It happened again in church this past Sunday, on a few occasions to be totally honest, embarrassing the piss out of my mother to the point where she angrily said "You were adopted motherfucker!" later that afternoon. My first outburst happened when the priest called out a young woman in the audience to join him on stage so he could tell everyone about her recent humanitarian efforts in Africa. Well, the young woman in question was sitting a few rows in front of me, and because I was sitting on the end of my particular row I could see her in her entirety as she made her way to the front of the church. I don't know what got into me, I actually thought that I was keeping it to myself, but apparently I blurted out, "Daaamn, that girl has a Phat ass!! For fucks sake!!" I was so focused in on the "wagon that she was dragging" that I didn't notice people's outrage as they angrily glared at me or my mother's embarrassment. The second outburst happened when we were all asked to Hug people around us, a common request in Catholic church services as far as I know. Anyway, the woman in front of me who gave up the first hug had cleavage that made my mouth water like Pavlov's dog or Bobby Brown when crack is dangled in front of his face, it was that intense. To make matters worse she gave me a super tight embrace, made me "pitch" a serious "tent" in the worst building imaginable to do so. As she let go and chatted with me briefly I stared at her chest and shook my head saying "Umm, umm, umm. Jesus Christ lady!"
Shock and Awe: I know I haven't been to church in a while, and I know that I have a history in this area of being a raving lunatic at times, but the last place I want to be reminded of said history is at church. Before and after church service people would come up and say shit like, "Wow, YOU'RE in church??", or "Hell has officially frozen over!", or my personal favorite, "What bet did you lose??" Usually I would have been entertained by those statements because there is definitely some truth there, the problem that I had was that those individuals didn't have the decency not to say those things in front of my mother. It's kind of like someone approaching you while you are with your current boyfriend/girlfriend, and they go on and on about how many people you fucked and the wild shit you once did, you don't want to expose them to that bullshit. Well, my mother already knows what kind of psychopath that I am, so she didn't need to be reminded of it on that particular holy day. I got kind of pissed, so when this dude named Mitch had made his 3rd wise comment I took him to the side and said, "If you say one more smart comment I'm going to bury you in this motherfucking church parking lot, if you think I'm above beating you in front of a priest you have another thing coming!!" He got the message, but then again so did my mother, since she is friends with his mother.
Church Speed Dating: Have I mentioned how much being single sucks? I have, OK good. I know that church is the last place a single fellow like myself should be looking for love, or at least lust where I let out ejaculatory Willy Wonka tunes where afterwords I tell her that a cab is on its way. What kind of man would I be who preyed on women, most of whom gathered in a building for the lord our savior to forgive them for their whorish ways of the previous week. Scratch that, church is better than any singles bar I ever went to. Anyway, I didn't go to church with my mother to get women, but with each conversation I had with catholics of the opposite sex that day, it kind of turned into me getting their number. I had a conversation with a Cuban woman that started off innocent enough but ended with me getting her number so we could "get drunk" later in the week. Another conversation I had with a woman started off about certain bible scriptures, but ended up with me finding out how she loved "giving head" and that she would love to see my band play because she finds dudes with bands "sexy".(Even I felt dirty when she opined about her felatial habits, which is saying a lot) Then there was a lady I was talking to who wanted to know if I had any experience hooking up stereo equipment because she needed help with hers, so when I told her that the only time I could come by would be 2 in the morning, bringing condoms, and drunk off my ass, she stormed off in disgust only to slip me her number later. As I got in the car with my mother and a few numbers fell out of my pocket she yelled, "What the fuck is this!! Could you not think with your dick one day a week??!!" I guess not.
Blatant honesty: Like people who know me will tell you, all you have to do is ask me a question enough times and all the nicety's and decorum that comes from not stirring up shit will automatically fly out of the window. Like when my mother and I was talking to this young couple and they were saying some pretty homophobic shit like "All gays are going to hell", and "I'm sure glad there aren't any fags here!!" Usually my mother would dissuade me from objectionable behavior, but this particular instance she gave me a quick head nod, telling me it was OK to rip them a new one. So I said to the couple, "I'm gay, have been "out" for 15 years actually. I'm offended, and have every right to beat you where you stand!" The look of horror on their faces was priceless, my mother got a kick out of that but she wasn't so pleased with what I would say later. Like when asked continuously by a older gentleman why I don't come to church regularly, I blurted out, "Because church cuts into my hangover rehab time, plus nothing is better than begging for a early Sunday morning "freebie" from a woman who is still on the clock." Or when the priest was nagging me about the issues I had with Catholicism and I said, "Priests touching kids and the lenient punishment of them when caught, the homophobia, and the bullshit stance that priests took against John Kerry because of his pro-choice stance. I could go on all day!" The priest in question gave me a very uncomfortable smile, a smile one would give trying to maintain a smirk while getting anally raped, and gave me a very PC answer that didn't solve any of my concerns. My mother was pissed as we drove home, but she grabbed my shoulder and said, "You know, if his ass didn't like scary answers then he shouldn't ask scary questions. Lets get something to eat."