I don't know what's wrong with you people, I put this cautionary tale that is a blog out there for the world to see, horror stories of sodomy in churches, members of the clergy calling me a "motherfucker", the vomit sounds that I make while ejaculating, and you silly sons of bitches still want to ask me for my advice? I mean, I always take the questions that you pose very seriously, crafting each one of my responses with the same concentration of a fat man running down the condiments he wants on a sandwich, but asking me for advice just seems wrong on every rational level. But fuck it, here goes..
HumanityCritic, I love my girl to death but I'm not really feeling loved back, is there a way I could test her love? Malik, NY
I could get all Dr. Phil on your ass, say that "communication is the key", suggesting that you have a heart to heart with your loved one as you air out your concerns like an adult. But I've found that the best way to test someones love for you is to simply do vile shit mid-coitus, because if a chick stays with you despite your hideous sexual idiosyncrasies, I'd say she's a keeper my friend. Give her weird compliments that rocks her world, like during sex say something like "Oh baby, you feel so good, it's so spacious down here!!" One of my personal favorites, something that really tests a woman's love and dedication, is when I refer to my penis as "The UPS Man", and I go on to explain that "It has a brown uniform, and dropping things off is its goddamned job, LADY!!" Disgusting I know, but it's the price a chick must pay for not being able to say those lovely three works, "Fuck.you.asshole!"
HumanityCritic, I've read your blog for sometime and I feel compelled to ask, is anyone exempt from an ass-whipping? Chris, Va
Chris, my friend, no one is exempt from having the brakes beaten off of them. I once rolled a handicapped man into traffic for letting some slick shit ooze out the side of his mouth, during a fight I "swept the leg" ala Johnny in "The Karate Kid" of a man with a prosthetic leg for calling me the N-word. Its sounds barbaric I know, but its my feeling that if a person feels liberated enough to disrespect you, you in turn must feel the same liberation while pounding them with a plethora of punches persistently.(Holy alliteration batman!!!) Like the time I dated a girl and her blind uncle expressed his disdain for me in the most obscenity laced tirades imaginable, the day she broke up with me I took it upon myself to strike him a few times with his walking cane. Hey, eight to eighty, blind cripple or crazy, no one is exempt from a beat-down.
HumanityCritic, what are your thoughts on Hillary Clinton? Paige, TX
She's like that ex-girlfriend that you don't totally hate, sure you had some good times and you feel that she's a decent enough human being, but you also remember how frigid she was in bed, her having the personality of cold cuts, and how she constantly nagged you about the time you suggested fucking her and her friend at the same time. That's why people want to rally behind Barack Obama, he's the new girlfriend so to speak, both of you are having fun, experiencing new things together, you haven't witnessed any of their more detestable idiosyncrasies as of yet. Based on all the republican candidates being watery sacks of crap, if Hillary gets the nomination over Obama I guess I'll vote for her, but her attempt to be more of a centrist candidate bothers the piss out of me. I mean, being concerned with flag burning and violent video games? Talk about lame.
HumanityCritic, how do you feel about banning the N-Word in New York City? Jesse, NM
If people's belief that saying it excessively takes power away from the word, the banning of the ugliest word in the English lexicon gives it power in my honest opinion. It's akin to a five year old cupping their ears, screaming "La-La-La-La-La" when they don't want to hear something that they know will be rather disagreeable. The sad truth about the word is that some people will use it as a term of endearment, some people like myself are trying to stop saying it even though it slips out ever so often, and as much as white people openly wonder "Why can't I say it??" they have to understand they might get kidnapped for doing so.
HumanityCritic.. Regardless how nice I am to my mother-in-law, she has a deep seeded hatred of me for no reason at all. What should I do? Lindsay, Ca
The dreaded mother-in-law, even though I've never been married, I've had to deal with unruly women who were upset at the fact that I filled up all their daughter's three holes like a bowling tournament. Here's the thing, if you did something to make her eternally mad at you then you should deal with the consequences, but if you are an innocent party who's just getting hated on, then I'd suggest doing something about it. Do something really awful so they have a legitimate reason to really hate you, like the time I smashed the car window of a chicks mother who cursed the ground that I walked on. Sure, its a bit much, but at least she now had a rational reason for hating me. Or the time I was so fed up with a woman's contempt and snide remarks, I stared telling her about her daughters sexual habits, a diatribe that ended with me saying that I used her child as a sex toy to the point that she had the ability to impregnate other women with her saliva.
HumanityCritic, should I ask my current girlfriend about her sexual past or just leave it alone? Mark, Va
Leave it alone, hearing tales of all the men who smashed it before you changes your image of her vagina for being a safe haven, a place of serenity and comfort, to a crack-head's mattress that you're forced to sleep on every night. Ignorance is bliss like a motherfucker, because every time I heard about a chicks deviant past I couldn't get that shit out of my head, I would have given my right arm to have my memory erased ala "Men in Black" and shit. Not only that but you start to use that information against her, if she ever feels hesitant about going down on you, or licking your bean-bag, you might yell out "OK, you can fuck a donkey but you can't do the simple tasks that I ask?" Lastly, there was a chick that I dated who informed me that she was on the business end of a three way, of the guy-guy-girl variety, and as much as I tried I couldn't get that image out of my cerebellum. But I'm such a bastard, I couldn't tell if that disgusted me or turned me on..
HumanityCritic, What do you think about people criticizing Oprah about building a school in Africa? Jenn, Mass
My problem with Oprah is the fact that she keeps having Bill O'Reilly on her show, quoting him like he's Edward R. Murrow, even having him on a show discussing child abuse even though he suggested that Shawn Hornbeck liked getting molested because he never attempted to escape. Bill O'Reilly must have damning pictures of Oprah or something, her judgment when it comes to that ass-hat seems so beneath her in my honest opinion. As for people giving her shit about her statement about American teens, she's right on the money, kids in this country are spoiled. Listen, for everyone who bitched and moaned about Oprah's actions, they have to understand that there are plenty of good things that she does here in the good ole U.S of A. Plus, the notion that people can regulate what she does with her hard earned money is as absurd as saying that Lil Wayne is a legitimate lyricist. Oprah is in a lose-lose situation in my opinion, however she decides to dig into her pocketbook and spread humanitarian love, there will always be some motherfucker to take issue with it.