The Pilot Episode of "HumanityCritic: The Relationship Saboteur"

Even though I'm very up front with that women that I date, I tell them upon our first meeting that our relationship will end very badly with her eventually sticking pins in a Voodoo doll made of my visage, and when I get tired of hearing questions like "Is that all I'm good for, fucking? Having ejaculate sprayed on me as while you climax, with you spelling your name in graffiti letters with your cock?" I kindly send her on her way with a lovely parting gift. I really don't want to hurt people's feelings, beyond the excess blubber, insecurity, and latent rage to the point that I daydreamed of slicing an enemy's hand off once, is a gentle soul who wants to be loved by the world.(I cry every time I see Cochise die in "Coolie High", or witness a woman pass by with a backside one could balance a pitcher of beer on.) But I get the opportunity to feel guilt-free post break up, I'm always honest about the reasons it ended, and if the woman scrolls over her mental Rolodex I did indeed say that I was "an asshole" and a "insufferable prick" the first time we met.

The only reason I'm so upfront now is basically to make amends for my cowardice many years ago, when I was so scared of hurting someones feelings that I would go out of my way to make a woman break-up with me. The main reason that you'll never see me singing an old Negro spiritual whenever a woman rips my beating heart out of my chest and shows it to me, is because I understand that Karma is a dirty bitch, and more than likely I had it coming to me based on my past indiscretions. So without further adu, here is one of many ways in which I got some unassuming woman to break up with me.

Drove her into the arms of another man: One of the dumbest games that couples play with each other, besides the "How many guys have you fucked?" and "How many miscellaneous cocks have been in your mouth?", is the priceless "Who would you be with if you weren't with me?" question. Now that I'm older and know better, I don't want to hear how many guys a woman has been with, especially if its a huge number because I can just see myself saying "I'm definitely not planting a flag on this land!" as I lovingly went down on her. I wouldn't dare ask about her history of fellatio, because if she had more cocks in her than a hen-house I can see me turning away from innocent kisses then saying "Did you gargle and brush your tongue yet?" But I did once ask an ex-girlfriend who she'd be with if I wasn't in the picture, and immediately she said this coffee-shop douche-bag named Johnny, he always wore a backpack and looked like he couldn't take a punch if his mother's life depended on it. I stored that information in the back of my brain, not because I was planning on using it against her at a later date, but because it just struck me kind of peculiar to me because that douchebag and I were polar fucking opposites.

A couple of months later the relationship soured, her voice started to sound like acrylic nails scratching a chalkboard, she stopped cooking, and her late night nagging killed my marijuana high something fierce. I had to escape, but I didn't want to break up with her because of my status as a male vagina at the time, so I came up with the plan that I would hook her up with that Johnny douche-bag that I mentioned earlier. I figured that this backpack wearing pansy would rat me out when I ran my plan by him, but surprisingly he was with it, so for the next couple of weeks we began a mock friendship that had him in the company of my girlfriend at least 3 times a week. At first I'd be there when Johnny came over, shooting the proverbial shit, but as time passed I'd come later and later, so he and my then girlfriend could spend some quality time together. Then one morning I woke up to my bags being packed, lined in a row rather neatly, with my girlfriend saying "I love you but you have to go, this simply isn't working anymore. I think we should spend some time apart." Knowing that my plan finally worked, I mistakenly yelled out "Its about time dumb-ass!!", she replied "Huh", and like a toddler not wanting a beating I said "Nothing.."