Taking Over the B.E.T Building: Operation Throatchop

A group of bloggers, upset at the pitiful display of entertainment that has come from Black Entertainment Television, has decided to join forces and take over the B.E.T Building. As many of you know, B.E.T has had a golden opportunity to put out informative programming, enlightening the masses that watch said station, but they have abandoned any responsible approach and has basically been a channel just showing video's. A group of men that go by the name H.A.I.L(HumanityCritic, Amadeo, Iselfra, and Luke Cage) have plotted to take over the B.E.T Building and change their programming forever. This is how it went down.

Starring:
HumanityCritic
Iselfra
Luke Cage
Amadeo
Belle


(HumanityCritic and Iselfra are hiding behind a car, ready to storm the building, with ski-masks half way down their foreheads)

HumanityCritic: This is going to be amazing man! WE are going to go in there, crack a few heads, and make those motherfuckers change their programming forever!

Iselfra: No doubt, (grabbing HumanityCritic's gun and explosives), But what is all this for? There must be a better way than to use firearms??

HumanityCritic: But they have guns and they have used them on other's who had suggested that they change their programming.

Iselfra: True, Give me one of those damn guns.(Grabbing a 9mm from HC's holster)

(Luke Cage and Amadeo appear)

Luke Cage:(carrying an oozy, grenade, hunting knife, and wearing Rambo-like bullet suspenders) That's all the weaponry yall got??

HumanityCritic:(Looking at Iselfra) See!

Amadeo: So what are we waiting for, lets go in there and cause damage. Shit, I want to beat someones ass for the mere fact they had that animated whore Cita on there for so long. Ghetto ass network.

Luke Cage: OK, but before I go I have to say one thing. You're HumanityCritic?? I mean, you have some weight to you, but you are kind of short.

HumanityCritic: What are you saying?

Luke Cage: I mean, for all the "throat chopping", shit talking, and ass whipping you do on your blog I just expected something different that's all..

HumanityCritic: OK, OK

Luke Cage: You better show me something in there small fry, because weak links won't be tolerated.

(Iselfra and Amadeo giggling)

HumanityCritic: Damn yall that's fucked up! Take it easy Luke, I can hold up my part of the deal!

(H.A.I.L gathers around a radio listening to M.O.P's "Ante Up" so they can get pumped up)

(They all run toward the building in a single file line, with their weapons pointed downwards. Before they get to the door 5 guards come from nowhere and try to ambush them. Iselfra takes one of the guards out with his capoeira fighting style. HumanityCritic gives one a deadly throat chop, as Amadeo slams one to the ground with a mighty suplex. Luke Cage is holding two of the guards off of the ground by their necks, knocking their heads together and putting them out of commission)

Luke Cage:(To HumanityCritic) Nice throat-chop! OK, we're cool.

HumanityCritic: Wow, thanks!

(When H.A.I.L enters the building 40 more guards come out of nowhere)

HumanityCritic:(still tired from the previous battle, pulls out his gun and fires in the air): *Pow* Fuck this, all yall get on the ground, I ain't fighting all of yall.

Iselfra, Amadeo, Luke Cage:(Looking at HumanityCritic)(in unison) Pussy!

(Every one of the guards get tied the fuck up as H.A.I.L continues on their mission. Along the way they reach the "Rap City" studio as they are taping the show)

Amadeo: This is all mine fellas! I had to endure year after wack year of this miserable show, the bullshit hip hop that they played, and every wack host who thought they were an M.C.(He runs over and knocks out the guest D.J and the new host) Don't get up motherfucker, this is my show now!(He proceeds to host the show, playing the underground videos that he wants, all while holding a AK-47)

(As Iselfra, HumanityCritic, and Luke Cage make their way down the hall they encounter the evil program director of B.E.T)

Iselfra: Well, well. You are the one responsible for ruining the minds of our young brothers and sisters out there huh?

Program Director: I am providing people with a service, a service to entertain

Iselfra: But you also have the responsibility to educate and inform your viewers. Yall got rid of Tavis Smiley, Ed Gordan, and your nightly news program. Those were the only respectable things about your bullshit network and now they are gone.

Program Director: But it is my experience that ignorant nigg...I mean, young African Americans respond to our new format.

Iselfra: See, "ignorant niggers"?? You don't even respect your viewers.(Iselfra walks over to the evil program director with a mean look on his face. Apparently Iselfra has been watching too much Star Wars or some shit, but he raises his hand and administers the Darth Vader "force choke" on the program director. The program director is clutching his throat, grasping for air)

HumanityCritic:(Rushes to the side of Iselfra) You don't want to do this man, you don't want this douchebag's blood on your hands!

Luke Cage: Damn that! I watched lil John 5 times this week, kill THAT motherfucker!

HumanityCritic: Don't encourage him!

(Iselfra releases the choke)

Iselfra:(holding director down, giving out backhands) When I am done with you(smack) you will show nothing but documentaries and educational programming!(punch)

HumanityCritic: I think he got the picture after you choked the shit out of him.

Iselfra: OK, OK. So where are yall going??

HumanityCritic: Luke Cage and I are going to 106th & Park to take that joint over. Free has got a phat ass, so of course we will be checking her out!!

Luke Cage:(clearing throat) Dude, I'm married, the only ass I check out is my wife's. But, I will go with you to "have your back".

HumanityCritic: Yeah right

(HumanityCritic and Luke Cage enter the 106th & Park studio. A.J tries to stop them but HumanityCritic kicks that motherfucker dead in the sternum, causing him to pass out)

Free: What is going on here?? Who are you guys?

HumanityCritic: We are here to change this piss poor station to something that black folks can be proud of. By the way, who is your guest today?

Free: The Ying Yang Twins

(The Ying Yang Twins walk out)

Ying Yang Twins: Yaaayuuh!! Yaaayuuuh!

(HumanityCritic loads up the clip to his 9mm, mouth watering like pavlov's dog, about to kill those motherfuckers)

Luke Cage:(looking at HumaityCritic) Don't you do it..

HumanityCritic: OK, but hand me your nightstick

(For the next 10 minutes HumanityCritic hands down a beating to the Ying Yang Twins that you wouldn't believe.)

HumanityCritic:(Standing over their unconscious bodies with their platinum teeth in his hand) Luke, how much do you think we could get for these on the street??

Luke:(Shaking Head)

(Robert Johnson, founder of B.E.T and the man who sold the station to Viacom for a shitload of money, appears out of nowhere)

Johnson: What are yall doing?? I know what the agenda of H.A.I.L is and you are totally wrong! B.E.T is a positive influence on the black community and the mere thought that we promote negativity is irresponsible on your part. See, when I started this network..

(Belle comes out of no where and lands a powerful uppercut to Johnson, making him airborne, causing his body to come crashing to the ground)

*Blap*!

HumanityCritic, Luke Cage, Amadeo who just reappeared with Iselfra:(in unison, leaning back): Damn Shorty!!

Belle: Someone had to shut that motherfucker up!

HumanityCritic: Where did you come from Belle?

Belle: I was supposed to be part of your crew, but because the asshole writing this was so in love with the H.A.I.L acronym I got bumped to the end of the story. Plus, you guys spent all that energy fighting all those guards when the back door was open. Remember, this IS B.E.T, negros take smoke breaks!

HumanityCritic: Damn Free, you sure got a fat ass.

Free: Get away from me!!

Iselfra: That's my boy critic, always a hit with the ladies.

Amadeo: So, whats next? After we fully change the programming here, where is our next location.

HumanityCritic: Well, there is a station in my hometown called 103 Jamz. They play nonstop bullshit 24/7, the worst Hip Hop imaginable, and they are a clear-channel station. Lets get those motherfuckers.

(They all touch hands in a superfriend fashion)

HumanityCritic, Amadeo, Iselfra, Luke Cage:(in unison) H-A-I-L..Hail!!

Belle: Don't forget the "B"!!

The End

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

The other day I was watching the Jim Carrey Movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" where he and his girlfriend played by Kate Winslett attempt to erase each other from their memories when things go sour, with the help of a specific procedure. The movie was OK, but it got me to thinking. You know how people will tell you that "all experiences are good experiences" because you supposedly "learn from them"? In some cases I agree, but in other cases I would have no problem having specific people and things erased totally from my memory because I didn't learn a motherfucking thing. If this mind erasing procedure really existed, here are a few things that I would want wiped from my memory, forever.

Shante: There are some people who you just know you shouldn't date before you do it, well Shante was a shining example of this. Granted, I was blinded by the sex so that had a big part in my lack of judgment. For one thing, I found myself getting into the silliest arguments with her resulting in her always wanting to fight me. Then when I grabbed her to restrain her she claimed that I bruised her and called the police on me, which was embarrassing. The cops had me in the back of their cop car, cuffed, when she admitted that she lied. The cops hesitantly let me go. Then we were in a restaurant and I introduced her to my cousin, but she was so jealous and thought that she wasn't who she said she was, she refused to shake her hand.(My cousin still wants to beat her ass for that.) I am in no way an intellectual elite, but some of the shit that came out of her mouth had to set black folks back 100 years.(Don't you hate when stupid people say the dumbest shit with the utmost confidence?? Me too) Besides that foolishness, she cheated on me and like a fool I stuck around. Then when I happened to cheat on her she tried to burn my car "Waiting to Exhale style". I definitely take some responsibility in the dysfunction that was called our relationship, but I learned absolutely nothing from her and getting her and that entire episode erased from my mind is a good thing.

Bad Hip Hop: I'm disturbed that I know who the Ying Yang twins are and the idiocy that they call music. I'm upset that I know certain Jah Rule songs by heart, and that ain't on purpose. Remember when "The Black Eyed Peas" were kind of underground, now they are a fucking Superbowl act. Why do I even know who "Paul Wall" is, or "Slim Thug" for that matter. Let me say this loud and clear: I don't give a solitary fuck who Mike Jones is! Fuck you for infecting my brain with that bullshit. 50 Cent, Lloyd Banks, lil flip, Cassidy for saying that he is the best thing since B.I.G(man fuck you!), I want all of those wack bastards erased from my memory. I also want two specific images of respected rappers erased from my memory as well. 1)Hearing MC Lyte rap on a OId Navy Commercial to Young MC's "Bust a move" beat and 2)Seeing the greatest rapper ever, Rakim, in a Jewel Santana video Jewel Santana is straight ass in the MC department. Erase all of that, as soon as possible! I know that those groups will creep back into my brain in due time, but having a few days of ignorant bliss will be satisfying.

Dee: I have known him for about 16 years so it might surprise you that I want this individual erased from my memory. Let me explain. Our friendship has been a one sided one from the beginning. From day one I would lend him money and not get paid back and for years it seemed that I was his personal chauffeur taking him multiple places. I'm not even saying that I would want any type of reciprocity, but the part that pisses me off is that he kind of acted like I had to do things for him. Looking back on how he used me it just gets me mad because a person definitely couldn't pull that shit with me now. I even tried to look past all of that and remain friendly with dude, but that has proven to be a mistake as well. See, we both come from a middle class background, but he decided to live in the "hood" and become a criminal. He has the audacity to lecture me about how I don't "know about the streets" and I "had it easy" growing up, even though we come from the same economic situation. Idiocy like that makes me want to beat his ass, but I figured I would just have him erased. I learned absolutely nothing from him, and most of the memories of our "friendship" is of me being used. I figure that I would have this procedure done before I mame him for life. See, everyone wins!

The weeks around my father's death: I don't know if any of you had a self destructive episode in your life but I know I had. Right after my father's death I went into a emotional tailspin that probably should of killed me. I have talked about this before, but I was drinking hard liquor on a daily basis, smoking enough weed to keep the dope man happy, and I got into so many fights it seemed that I wanted somebody to take me out of my misery.(I actually remember knocking someone on his ass and saying to him "I wanted you to beat my ass, and you can't even do that right!") You know you are in a bad place when you wake up beside a bottle of liquor, and the first thing you do when you open your eyes is take a gigantic swig of said booze. That whole time in my life is simply a blur now, but I would have no problems erasing that entire episode from my memory. Wait!! But then again, keep this memory, because I can always know what "Rock bottom" feels like.

*What thing's would you like to have erased from your mind??"

Quote of the Day..

Dave Chappelle, when talking about having a show he could be proud of said: "I want to make sure I'm dancing and not shuffling. What ever decisions I make right now I'm going to have live with. Your soul is priceless."

HumanityCritic vs. your garden variety action hero

The other day I was talking to my friend Chris about the upcoming Jet Li movie entitled "Unleashed". Somehow we got on a rant concerning which action stars were the real deal and which ones we might have a legitimate shot at taking down. Here are some fictitious accounts of what might happen if I challenged the following individuals to a bar fight. I'm confident in my skills, I have some boxing skills and I am a master at the throat chop technique. (Breathes deeply) Wish me luck.

Jet-Li: Training: Jet Li started training at the Beijing wushu academy at age eight (wushu is China's national sport, largely a performance version of various martial art styles), and won five gold medals in the Chinese championships, his first when he was only 11. In his teens, he was already a national coach.

HumanityCritic vs. Jet Li: I see Jet Li having a few drinks with his entourage at the other end of the bar. Knowing that I have to fight this motherfucker for the sake of my blog, I get liquored up and approach Li. I throw a drink in his face and say, "Lets go movie star, You and me!" He slowly wipes the drink off of his face, smiles and says "I don't want to fight you, you're drunk." Not satisfied with his answer I throw 5 punches at him but he ducks and dodges them like they were nothing. He then says, "HumanityCritic, I'm warning you, don't make me embarrass your black ass on your blog".I come back with, "Whatever, you can't make me look stupid on my blog" and I throw another punch. This time he catches my punch mid air, looks at me and says "I warned your bitch ass" and proceeds to touch six strategic points of my body. After doing so he slowly walks away. I stand there and say, "What was that? If that is all you have? You are going to get beat the fuck up, Virginia style". Jet Li says, "Critic, I have just given you the embarrassing "paralyzing piss touch". I say "whats that?" He says, "Well, first you piss yourself(HumanityCritic begins to wet himself, a lot) then you find yourself paralyzed for hours."(HumanityCritic is frozen solid) The whole crowd erupts with laughter, as people pose for pictures alongside my paralyzed body. Shit, it was so bad that people started using me as a human ashtray, and setting their drinks on me. I see that Jet Li isn't to be fucked with.

Chuck Norris: Training: He is a black belt in Tang Soo Do and Tae Kwan Do, both Korean fighting arts, and knows all forms of the martial arts. In 1969, he earned the Triple Crown for the highest number of tournament wins, and was named Fighter of the Year by Black Belt magazine.

HumanityCritic vs. Chuck Norris: Chuck Norris is speaking at one of his many karate schools across the nation. In the middle of the speech I say, "Come on Norris, bring your bitch ass!!" He informs me that there are small children present then I say, "Ooops, my bad folks. Hey Chuck, can I speak to you for a sec?" Chuck gingerly makes it around the table he was sitting at, which shows me that he has lost a step or two. When we get in the other room he says, "What is all this about son?" I say, "Well Mr. Norris, I have to fight all these action stars for my blog and.." He interrupts and says, "You are the guy that got beat the fuck up by Jet Li?? You standing there frozen in your own urine is the most popular screen-saver in the country!!" Utterly embarrassed I say, "Enough! Are we going to do this or what?? Being that you used stunt doubles for simple fights scenes while filming "Texas Walker Ranger" tells me that I can whip your ass!" (HumanityCritic sucker punches Chuck Norris) *Whap* "How you like me now old man", I say. (Chuck gets in his karate stance and all you hear are bones cracking) As I begin to fight him these two guys with the word "Stunt Double 1" and "Stunt Double 2" written on the front of their t-shirts come out of no where and administer a 10 minute ass whipping, beating the black off of me. He stands over me, tells his henchmen to open the door, and when his fans come rushing in he points down at me and says "If you come back you will get it even worse. You can't disrespect me in my dojo!" As all of his fans cheer and give him hugs, I crawl out of his establishment mumbling "You phony motherfucker!"

Steven Seagal: Training: He started his martial arts training at the age of 7, under well known karate instructor and author Fumio Demura and in the 1960s started his aikido training in Orange County under the instruction of Harry Ishisaka. Seagal received his first dan accreditation in 1974, after he had moved to Japan to further his martial arts training. After spending many years there honing his skills, he achieved the ranking of a 7th dan in the Japanese martial art "aikido"

HumanityCritic vs. Steven Seagal: I went to Barnes and Noble to confront Mr. Seagal because he was signing copies of his new book "How to be a movie star and not have any talent". I stood in line like I was a fan, and when I got to the front of the line he asked me "Who do I sign this to kid?". I said, "sign it to "the motherfucker who is about to wipe the floor with you in a bookstore!" He gets up, exposing his massive belly and says, "What did you say to me?" Looking intense i say, "You heard me! Me and you, mano y mano!" He giggled and said, "You're the blog guy right??"(His whole crew erupts in laughter) I said, "It won't be so funny when I beat you silly in front of your dorky ass fans! Look at you dude, do you eat your opponents instead of simply beat them up now? One time your were "Marked for Death", now your pudgy ass is "Marked for a Heart attack""(Seagal getting heated) I continue, "When is the last time you had a hit anyway?? You know you are in trouble when you are a washed up B-level star!" Seagal approaches me but before he could reach me I hit him with one of his books. *Blam* As the book falls to the ground it opens when it lands, I notice that its a god-damned pop-up picture book! "Boy your fans are fucking idiots" I say. Seagal has gained some weight so I am eating up his grill with jab after jab, he tries to kick me but he can't raise his leg above knee level. "Finally a fight I can win", I say as I dance around Steven Seagal tapping that jaw with monster right jabs. I figure he is done, so I back up and run towards him to give him a powerful kick that will finish him off. But when I get to him he sidesteps me and catches me with the most violent clothesline ever, making me airborne for 3 seconds before hitting the ground very hard. As i lay there grasping you air, Seagal says "THATS the last time I had a hit motherfucker!" as he puts one foot on my body, posing for pictures. It didn't end there, I was held down and hit with signed copies of his pop-up book by scores of his dorky ass fans.

Jackie Chan: Training: China Drama Academy for 10 years. There he endured 19 hours a day of the kind of acrobatic action we see in Jackie Chan movies today, in all his grace; mime, dance and martial arts, all thanks to very strict training.

HumanityCritic vs. Jackie Chan: I see Jackie Chan having dinner with some of his friends one night when I step to him and say, "Jackie, I am here to.." He interrupts me ans says, "I know, I know, fight me because of your blog. This shit is silly man, I have received the memo about you and I'm not fighting you! Take that shit somewhere else Critic!" (HumanityCritic Pauses, wondering why his english is so good on my blog) "Oh yes you are" I said. He slides a shot glass of saki my way and says, "Drink this, we'll fight later." I throw back the shot of Saki saying, "Thats pretty good", as Jackie brings about 3 bottles and puts it in front of me. About an hour later I am shitfaced, singing karaoke with Jackie, grabbing girls asses, having the time of my life. At the end of the night I forgot that I was even there to fight Jackie, which I thought was cool until I woke up the next morning. It seems that our beloved Jackie Chan sells organs on the black market, since I woke up in a bathtub full of ice with a kidney missing. "Damn you Jackie Chan, I'll get you for this!!"

Vin Diesel: Training: Ex Bouncer, Acting School

HumanityCritic vs. Vin Diesel: Vin Diesel is sitting with a few friends when I go up to him and hit him dead in the jaw and say, "That is for the 8 bucks I wasted seeing "The Pacifier" motherfucker!!"(I didn't see it) He stands up quickly, tells his boys to wait there, and tells me that he wants to fight me outside of the club. I'm game, so when we get outside the club I say, "OK, time to get a "Chronicles of Riddick" ass beating!!" He looks at me and hands me his wallet and says, "Take as much as you want man, I'm a pussy. I play tough guys on TV man, that shit ain't real. I sweet like deer meat, the last thing i want to do is fight!" As I am putting the contents of his wallet in my pocket, I look up and say, "Are you sure you don't want to fight? I am going to document this on my blog you know?" He smiles and says, "I know you are, but who is going to believe your chubby blogger ass anyway?" I quickly tell him, "You know, I can quickly renege on the whole "not beating your ass thing", then he just smirked and walked back in the club.

Hip Hop Albums that Changed my Life..

So far during my blog experience I have covered my favorite male MC's, Female MC's, and favorite Hip Hop groups. We all have albums that have changed our lives or altered the way we view that genre in general, making them the standard we will judge everything else on. The following are Hip Hop albums that changed my life. By all means, add some of your experiences and albums that changed you life in the comment section.


Public Enemy(It takes a Nation of Millions To Hold Us Back): Public Enemy, in my humble opinion, is the most important group in Hip Hop history. Period. I'm pretty sure that they knew going in that a rap group with a message might never catch on, but they believed in themselves and the message they were conveying so much that they went full steam ahead anyhow. Even though they came with a political message and talked about what ailed black youth, they never came off as preachy. They were smart enough to give you those aggressive ass bomb-squad tracks that were so pleasing to the ear that after listening to a song you just happen to realize that there was a message in there. This particular album, as much as the rearing from my parents, is probably the soul reason that I have always tried to stay current on the political side of things. "Don't Believe the Hype", "Black Steel in the Hour of Chaos", "Night of the Living Baseheads", "Rebel without a Pause", this album is packed with classics to make any Hip Hop fan nod in agreement. Like Chuck said, "Who gives a fuck about a god-damned Grammy!!"


Ice Cube(Death Certificate): Even though I have been critical of the decline of Ice Cube's musical career, I can't front on how "Death Certificate" is one of my favorite albums. The album is so good that Ice Cube could make 40 wack albums with Mac 10 and that still wouldn't change my opinion of him as being one of the best MC's during a specific time period. I have said this for the past 10 years but it still hold up today, I have yet to hear an album that had the same range of topics that Cube addressed on this CD. He talked about blacks in the military, venereal diseases, the health care system, he addressed his old band-mates, gang colors and the ridiculousness of it, you name it he addressed it. This by far is his most controversial CD as well, this is the album that he hopes the interviewer doesn't ask him about when he is plugging his new Disney Movie. This album also shows where Cube peaked lyrically and creatively, after this i noticed a slow decline in the quality of his music.

A Tribe Called Quest(Low End Theory): I was a fan of their first album, and I remember distinctively awaiting what this trio from Queens would come out with next. I was in my freshman year of college, and i was dating a senior who was a hip Hop head as well. When this album came out we knew that we were listening to a Hip Hop classic. It was the perfect blend of aggressive lyricism mixed with jazz sensibilities. I know many of you probably like "Midnight Marauders" better, and that is totally understandable. This album sticks in my mind because I remember me and old girl getting high as a kite, listening to this album, and having deep conversations like "Wow, Phife got better huh?"


De La Soul(Three Feet High and Rising): I respect the shit out of De La Soul because they have always blazed their own trail, and ignored the musical trend of the day. From day one you could tell that these three brothers would push the envelope creatively, whenever they got the chance. Shit, from the first time you heard "Potholes in my lawn" you knew that you were getting cutting edge, refreshingly new Hip hop. One of the reasons I like De La Soul is one of the reasons that I like Public Enemy, because they were trying something completely new and had the balls to go. For all they knew they could of flopped, that musical bravery is commendable. "Pot Holes in my Lawn", "Say no Go", "Me myself and I", "Buddy", the daisy age is not over!


Nas(Illmatic): This is probably one of the albums that I knew would be a classic before I heard it. I was a fan of Nas' verbal stylings since "Live at the Barbecue", remember his line "When I was twelve, I went to hell for snuffing Jesus"? Classic. Nas brought razor sharp delivery, along with street tales about hustling and ghetto philosophy. I think that pure Hip Hop heads were open because I don't think we heard such a precise flow since hearing Rakim's verses, so the lyricism he brought to the table was a breath of fresh air. Plus you can't go wrong when you have Pete Rock, Premiere, and Large Professor producing your album. "New York State of Mind", "Life's a Bitch", "Halftime", the recipe of a classic album.


Notorious B.I.G(Ready to Die): There are two things that I must admit to concerning Biggie. 1)That before the album came out I slept on him, telling whoever would listen that the album wasn't going to be all that. and 2)My favorite Biggie song, up til now, is "Party and Bullshit" As a Hip Hop purist, I will always go on and on about the violence in Hip Hop and how there is no need for it. But then again, if it is done creatively or the beat is dope(i.e M.O.P or this album), I become a lot less adversarial about it. "Ready to die" had tales of crack-peddling, had a introspective view on his own life and mortality, and occasionally laced you with lyrical assault that is damn near unparalleled. I constantly say how Biggie and Pac were overrated, and I never understand how anyone can say that they are the greatest, but today I give the Brooklyn MC his due as to having a album that changed my life.


N.W.A(Straight Outta Compton): When this came out it was like porn to me, I would hide it and listen to it in the complete privacy. People who criticize this group for starting a negative trend in music actually have a point, and I understand what they are saying. But their "I don't give a fuck attitude on "Straight Outta Compton" was kind of inspiring to a young teen as myself. Granted, at that point I had only a couple of run ins with the police, and I didn't know anything about selling crack or your garden variety "hood rat", but N.W.A took me on a magical hood journey. It is also one of the first time West Coast life was brought to the masses on such a high, nationwide level.(Of course there were legends like Too Short and Ice T, but they didn't have the immediate wide spread impact) "Straight Outta Compton", "Gangsta Gangsta", "Parental Discretion Iz advised", all songs I shouldn't have been listening to at the time but stayed in my Walkman.


EPMD(Strictly Business): I have to admit, I loved these guys because they were the absolute truth. I mean, they didn't have any booming personalities or anything, they just came with the uncut Hip Hop. No gimmicks, just Hip Hop. This particular album is near and dear to my heart because this album, along with Biz Mark's "Going off" and "Long Live the Kane" are the three albums that my cousins brought down from New York for me. That summer, my two cousins(Peter and Brendan) would learn every song on each album and rap along each time it was played. Something about EPMD's song "Jane" that stuck to me, maybe it was the line "She's fly, haircut like Anita Baker/looked her up and down and said hmm I'll take her." That's my shit man, also the mere fact that Eric Sermon had a speech impediment but still rocked the mic was cool in itself.

Mayhem at a Titty Bar!: Stripclub chronicles Part 2

If there is one thing that I love, what makes my world go round, is the sight of breasts, thighs, and legs. No I'm not talking about options on a KFC menu, I'm talking about the delicious sight of a woman's naked body. Even though I love seeing women in their birthday suits whenever possible, I have grown to despise strip-clubs and have expressed that fact on this blog before.(here) A friend of mine asked me how could I possible hate strip clubs, so I told him it is the same way you have religious people who hate the "going to church" aspect. I am simply a dude with a lecherous appetite for juicy backsides who hates strip-clubs. With all that being said, the following story is a true account of what happened Monday Night, from the hours of 11:00 to 12:30. I'm going to run this down like an episode of "24"

(10:59:58,10:59:59, 11:00:00)

After having Mexican food with Danny and his wife, Danny drops her off and informs her that we are going out to have a few drinks. As we are driving down the street he asks me where do I want to go and I reply with the ever so friendly, "I don't fucking know!" When we hang out and look for someplace to drink we always act like we have a shitload of options, when in all actuality we frequent the same three or four bullshit dive bars. After a few minutes of driving around he suggests that we go to a strip club called "Aces". I tell him how much I hate stripclubs and lay out a well thought out and articulate argument proving my point. The funny thing about being a passenger is that articulate arguments are basically worthless, so off to "Aces" we go.

When we arrive at "Aces" I immediately tell that this is one of the better strip clubs in the area, from the overall look of the club it seemed respectable, for a stripclub that is. Danny and I proceed to order a couple of beers ,and as we sat at the bar and turned our chairs to the dancers we see two of the most posterior gifted ladies I have ever seen in my life. I immediately thought of the Sir Mixalot line "Even white boys have to shout!!!" when Danny said "Motherfucker man, look at that ass Critic!!" It seems that my lifelong friend, Fox News watcher, Rush Limbaugh listener, George Bush supporter is a fan of phat asses. There is hope for him yet.

(11:20:03. 11:20:04, 11:20:05)

We quickly sat down like kids playing a game of musical chairs, and pulled out shitloads of dollar bills. I talk shit about stripclubs all the time, but the two ladies on the runway had "car accident" asses. Meaning, you know that you shouldn't rubberneck but you can't look away, like that. The stripper who danced for me was a Puertorican girl named "B.J", she was cool but she talked my fucking ear off. At one point I wanted to tell her, "I just want to see you titties, not be given a stripper dissertation!". The stripper who danced for Danny was a white girl named "Carla" and lets just say she was definitely blessed "below the belt". I kept wanting to say something Highly stereotypical like "Do you have black in you?", making her say "No,why??", then forcing me to come back with the utterly repulsive "Do you want some?" So I just smiled and threw money her way.

Surprisingly the DJ was playing classic Hip Hop like EPMD, Dougie Fresh, and Tribe, I shit you not. Some dudes kept going over to his booth, suggesting lil' John or some shit like that, so I gave the DJ a twenty and said "Ignore those motherfuckers". As I sat back down, "B.J", while she was dancing for me, said "Talk dirty for me baby.." "Really?", I said and she nodded in agreement. Then I said, "OK. You dirty ass bitch, could you have washed your crotch before you decided to shove it in my face. I can literally taste that stench!" B.J stopped mid dance and said, "Not like that!". I knew what she was talking about but I just giggled to myself, not letting her know that I was joking. I can be a prick sometimes, but I'm sure she knew I was joking. I hope.

I glimpse over at Danny and his eyes are wider than Gorge W. Bush's were when he pulled all night coke binges circa 1975. Suddenly, as soon as the song was over, B.J and "Carla" got up and collected their money, then left the stage. I guess their "Stripper shift" was over and it was time for two new girls to take their place. By this time I am getting a good buzz and the music is making me chair dance, a sad site I know. My buzz was totally killed when I saw the strippers that came on next. One was OK, but the other looked like a skeleton with a thong on. I mean, this girl was so skinny that Sally Struthers should be on T.V pleading for her boney ass. I know I'm being harsh, but there is absolutely nothing sexy about a chick who's weight is probably south of 100, getting on a stage and doing anything half naked.

(11:45:33, 11:45:34, 11:45:35)

Me and Danny immediately get up and sit at the bar. I thought we did it in a respectable fashion until he let out an uncharacteristic "Hell Naw!" as we left the stage. The girl was pissed that we left, probably because we must of gave the previous dancers like 20 bucks each, so she screamed at us "That's fucked up!" I ignored her and continued getting shitfaced. They danced a few songs and the girl comes in my direction screaming like I had hit her or something. She is waiving her hands all over the place yelling, "Fuck you two punk motherfuckers! I don't need your money, Fuck yall! Fuck yall!" I politely smile and hope that this 5'6, 92 pounds of anger cools down sometime soon.

She pauses briefly and says, "Didn't you go to Kempsville High School, class of 91?." I said yes and then she said the following: "Your black ass used to torment me every day in school! You bullied my friends, you called me names, you ruined my self esteem for years!" Then I said, "I turned you into an anorexic stripper? Shit, what did I say exactly??"" She said, "Fuck you(exposing her middle finger) Look at me now! You couldn't break me asshole. Look at me now!" I then replied, "You are a fucking stripper who looks like crack cocaine is your drug of choice. I wouldn't really sell the rights to your biography as a "feel good story". Plus, I never bullied you, you got the wrong guy" Angrily she said, "Your name is Travis right?" I then angrily said, "no, my name isn't "Travis" and the mere fact that you fucked that up, being that our school had about 8 black people total kind of gives weight to my "you are a crack-head theory!"

The yelling caught the attention of the bouncers and other patrons. When I saw the bouncers approach me they didn't have a "lets see whats going on and peacefully end this" stance about them, they had a "lets beat this black motherfuckers ass just because" stance about them. I briefly tell them what happened but I notice that one of the bouncers is giving me an extremely evil look and he is inching behind me. I tell him "Don't you fucking get behind me" and position myself to where they are both in front of me. Danny is talking shit to them, and to the other "regulars" that are talking shit, but Danny couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag so I am alone in this. I grab a bottle, ready to smash it over the head of anyone that steps up, preferable the black "regular" wearing an extremely tight shirt.(I hate that shit) The owner comes out of no where and says that we should leave before there is any trouble, so I don't put up a fuss and leave.

As we are leaving we pass "B.J" and "Carla" as they are about to get back on stage. Having a stronger buzz than before, plus an adrenaline rush from almost getting my ass kicked, I had a lapse in judgment and asked Carla "Hey, do you have any black in you??" She said, "Can't a white girl have a phat ass?? Why do you ask?" Before I could give the response she smiled and said, "Don't you say it motherfucker!!", then the bouncers pushed us out the door. Walking to Danny's car backwards waiting for anybody to try and fight us I yell out, "I fucking Hate stripclubs!!!"

(12:29:58, 12:29:59, 12:30:00)

"I Love it when you call me Big Pope-ah!"

(*Disclaimer: Whenever I talk about religion on this blog, like I have witnessed in real life, people get totally bent out of shape. Look, I want an open discussion and your coments, positive or negative are always welcomed. But before taking things out of context, or seeing my post as a damnation to hell, just rememeber that you are reading the blog of a man that talks about "mouth hugs", "throatchgoppping dudes", and once wrote a post entitled "An idiots guide to cheating", so keep my previous behavior in mind when reading my daily ramblings: Thank you.)

As a practicing catholic there are a few positives and negatives that I have had to come to grips with. Positives: 1)Most catholic services are about 45 minutes, it is like a religious drive-through. No siting in church for five hours, waiting for the preacher to wrap it up. 2)Catholic church is spiritual Tae-Bo, with all the standing, sitting, hugging, standing.. I lose weight whenever I go. 3)As a kid, seeing a fine ass girl wearing a catholic school uniform gave me quite the "chubby"(erection) 4)Confessional rules. Listen, I know people hate this about catholicism, but telling your sins to a person and then everything being OK is dope, as long as you do what he says. You say, "Father, I slept with my brothers wife and the two kids that he is raising are mine. Not only that, I murdered his cat, embezzled 2 million dollars from him, and he needs a kidney to save his life but I refused" Father: "OK, give me 3 hail Mary's and two "Our Fathers" Man: "That's it? Sweeeet!" Its like getting a prescription filled or some shit.

Negatives: 1)As a realist, you know that there are some rules that you will have to break. The catholic Church is against contraception, what is that about? If I followed that rule I would have a shitload of dreadlock crumb-snatchers, and I would be forced to deal with women that I only slept with because I was drunk one night. Also, the no sex before marriage stuff was a rule that I knew was going to be broken, I knew that when I was a boy. 2)They should really let priests marry, this shit is getting ridiculous. If they did, those pent up sexual urges wouldn't have sick fucks molesting kids. The sad part is that those molesters give the good, honest, and moral priests a bad name. 3)There are some hot girls at catholic mass, but you don't get the same luscious ghetto booty that you get at baptist churches. I went to a friends Baptist church last month and the girls in there looked like they belonged in a Jay-Z video, or a crunk video, or on somebody's stripper pole. I was pitching a serious "tent" that day.

I followed John Paul II somewhat through the years, but not totally. I always figured that I would do what I wanted, and I'm probably sure the catholic church would frown on some of the things that I did or beliefs that I have. Being that I am pro choice, use contraception when having premarital sex, I once got a mouth hug in a confessional, and I had sex in the bathroom of a wake that I went to probably means the church wouldn't endorse this blog.

Our new Pope, well I don't want to criticize his past because who knows what kind of Pope he will be. But here are a few interesting tidbits concerning Pope Benedict XVI:

At 78 years-old, he is the oldest man to be elected pope in three centuries and he is the first German pope in a thousand years.

In his teens, he was briefly a member of the Hitler Youth, drafted into the army and eventually deserted.

He served time in a POW camp.

In 1951, he was ordained and became a Cardinal in 1977. In 1981, Pope John Paul II appointed him head of the powerful Congregation for the Doctrine of Faith, where he has served for the last quarter of a century.

He is widely viewed as a conservative theologian and a hard-line enforcer of Catholic Church doctrine. In the 1980s, Ratzinger was a fierce opponent of liberation theology.

He strongly opposes abortion,

He strongly opposes to an increased role of women in the church(Reasons he gives: 1)That women don't bear a natural resemblance to Jesus in the Eucharist. 2)That there were no women at the Last Supper. 3)That the kind of nuptial imagery, the bride and bridegroom imagery that the Church uses would be violated if women were the priests)

He strongly opposes artificial birth control

He strongly opposes homosexuality.

He has been seen as trying to cover up the sex abuse scandals concerning priests. His view was that the whole thing was "Overblown"

In 2003, Ratzinger's office issued instructions to Catholic politicians to vote against gay marriage. During last year's presidential election campaign, he advised US bishops to deny Communion to politicians who support abortion rights - who many saw as directly targeting Catholic presidential candidate, John Kerry.

Getting cursed the fuck out by your old self.

Maybe I've been watching too much Sci-fi lately, or the years of continuous bong hits are starting to affect me, but I always wondered what your old self would say to your present self. How would your old self feel about the way you turned out, decisions you made, or the overall direction your life took. The following are examples of what the old selves of certain individuals would say to their new selves in the form of a single rant.


Ice Cube(circa 1990) To new self: Damn fool, what have you done to me?? I have read your file and I must say that I'm glad that you are making your paper, but what in the fuck was that kid movie you did a few months back? I was the self proclaimed "N*gga you love to hate", now you got my black ass doing Disney movies and shit? You are fucking up, for real. I was part of one of the most popular rap groups ever, went solo and did my thing with a more political message, and now you are doing songs with a guy named(looking down at the file) "LiL John"? Seems kind of hypocritical for a guy that once proclaimed that "You can new jack swing on my nuts!" Shit, that Lil John makes Teddy Riley look like DJ Premiere motherfucker! Hate to nitpick about the whole "hypocrisy thing", but didn't I once say "Stop giving Juice to the Raiders/Cause Al Davis/Never paid us"?? Now all I see your ass in is Raiders gear, I've become a god-damed walking contradiction. Wasn't I all into the Nation of Islam, bean pies, and chilling with Farrakhan?? What happened to that, or that isn't wise for you to talk about since you went all Hollywood on a brother? You have made some memorable movies, and did some good things, but is there any chance you can focus seriously on our rap career again? I don't mean with that Horrendous "West Side Connection" bullshit! Come on Cube, man up!

Dennis Miller(1992)To new self: Wow, how the mighty have fallen. Look, I've never been the biggest star in the world, but I was a successful comedian who was a star on Saturday Night Live. I also had a respectable weekly talk show on HBO that ran for many years, how did you fuck all that up? It says here that you had a short stint on Monday Night Football. Football?? Who's bright idea was that? When I was on SNL, Farley and Sandler used to give me shit because I threw like a girl when we had work related events, I know squat about sports. What is this shit about you drastically changing your political beliefs and becoming a big George Bush cheerleader?? We always hated that douchebag, what gives? Not to be mean or anything, but your political talk show on CNBC sucks ass. I was once mentioned in the same breath with SNL greats like "Chase", "Belushi", and "Radner". Now I am mentioned in the same breath with the assholes like "Scarborough", "O'Reilly", and some bottom feeder named "Hannity".(Looking around for the person in charge) Can I kill myself, being that I am an earlier version of this prick, and stop this career debacle from happening? Look dude, even though your cinematic high point is "Bordello of Blood", that doesn't mean that you should pack it in and fuck our career up.


Bobby Brown(circa "Don't Be Cruel")To new self: Yooo! I know that I have always been a wild man, doing whatever I want, but I'm a fucking crackhead? Not only was I part of a popular teen group, then breaking out on my own being adored by women the world over, now I am simply known as Mr. Houston? How degrading. Current Bobby, why is the file that I'm holding have nothing but a shitload of mugshots in it? Have you lost your fucking mind? Also, why is it that the last hit we had was during the Bush administration, not "W" but his sorry ass daddy. You are a fucking embarrassment, and coming from me that is saying something. Cocaine, heroin, alcohol, you are a walking lab experiment man! I saw that "Behind the Music" special recently and I have to ask you this pressing question: What in the fuck have you done to my bottom lip?? Did we have a stroke or something? Man, this shit is depressing so I'm about to bounce. Shit, while you shoot up that lethal dose of Heroin between your toes, I will be backstage with a couple of hot groupies, knowing that in 16 years I am going to be a bona fide loser.


George W. Bush(1974)To new self: Run this by me again, I become president of the United States? No fucking way!! Is America stupid enough to elect a alcoholic coke head, who was also a C student at Yale to the presidency of the United States? Man, the country must really had a lapse of judgment to elect me to anything(sniffing cocaine off of a small mirror). It says here that your people made a war hero named John Kerry look like a coward during my presidential run in 2004. Didn't people know that we ran like a coward in 1973 and used my father's influence so I could get out of Vietnam, the mere fact that my people were able to paint a true blue vet as weak is amazing! People always said that our brother Jeb was the one that was destined for the White House, not me. (Taking a shot of Yeager, looking at file) What is this shit about our daughters being drunken whores? That ain't cool man. Besides the fact that you ignored terrorist warnings pre 911, invaded a country illegally, and turned record surplus' into a record deficit, who cares I become president! Yee-Haw!

HumanityCritic(1991)To new self: (shaking head) Look at you motherfucker, what have you done to my body?? I once had a six pack that people could wash clothes on, now it looks like your ass stays handcuffed to the buffet table! Chubby bastard! No wife, no kids, what in the fuck is wrong with you? I was reading through your file and it says that not only can't you maintain a relationship, but you have commitment issues. What kind of pussy are you?? I'm not trying to be mean but, what in the fuck is up with that hair?? Jesus man, Dreadlocks, are you shitting me?? What in the fuck is a blog anyway?? You mean to tell me that you spend your precious time in front of a computer, expressing your deepest thoughts for the world to see? How gay is that? I either envisioned me having a beautiful family by now, or being like a black James Bond, romancing miscellaneous international vagina. Well at least you aren't a criminal, or a black republican, so I guess that is a positive.

How can I put this delicately? FUCK Pat Robertson!

If anyone of you ever finds yourself living in Virginia beach Va. like I do, a few things become evident. That being in a commonwealth state sucks ass, Chuck D referenced my town in his song *"Welcome to the terrordome", the city is pretty republican, and Pat Robertson is a miserable bastard. Sounds kind of harsh I know, but growing up here I have all this built up anger and frustration towards the host of the 700 club. CBN is literally a few miles away, so when I drive by I am tempted to do something immature yet political, like defecating on the lawn of the CBN building. I always think otherwise, not for fear of arrest, but fear of 4 or five bullets lodged in the deepest regions of my backside.

I guess my anger is because he is allowed to say the most outlandish, racist, anti-women statements and he gets away with it because of who he is. When "The Wayne Brady Show" was bumped for the 700 club a couple of years ago I wrote passionate letters, and emailed any person of television importance telling them about the 700 club's right wing agenda and Robertson's history of ignorant comments. I got a funny response back saying that basically their hands were tied, and he asked me if I was really a fan of the "Wayne Brady Show". I wasn't, don't worry.

Recently Pat Robertson was on ABC's This Week with George Stephanopoulos and
he now claims that what he calls "activist judges" are a more serious threat to the nation than "bearded terrorists who fly into buildings." Judges are more of a threat than Osama bin Laden, or any other garden variety jackass that wants strap on a bomb and kill you and I? Pat, if by some chance you read this, let me give you a heartfelt "Fuck You!" Just the mere fact that you blamed 9/11 on the ACLU and homosexuals just tells me what a piece of shit you are. That's right, I said it, if you send your religious henchmen to my house I am ready for their asses. Plus, my blog friends have my back. (Gulping) Right?

Other quotes proving Robertson's idiocy:

"[Homosexuals] want to come into churches and disrupt church services and throw blood all around and try to give people AIDS and spit in the face of ministers."

"It is teaching kids to fornicate, teaching people to have adultery, every kind of bestiality, homosexuality, lesbianism-everything that the Bible condemns."
--The 700 Club, April 9, 1991, talking about Planned Parenthood


"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians."

"With 80,000 dead of AIDS, our promiscuous homosexuals appear literally hell-bent on Satanism and suicide,"

"I know one man who was impotent who gave AIDS to his wife and the only thing they did was kiss."

"You say you're supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and the Methodists and this, that, and the other thing. Nonsense. I don't have to be nice to the spirit of the Antichrist."

*Even though Chuck referenced my town in "Welcome to the terrordome": Places with "Places with racist faces/
Just an example of one of many cases/
The Greek weekend speech I speak/
From a lesson learned in Virginia (Beach)" He wasn't giving my city love, understandably, because of the riots that happened in 1989.

Childhood Toys: The Good, Bad, and the Cheap shit.

Besides having a healthy offspring that I could love, cherish and teach new things to, I also can't wait to have a kid because of all the cool toys I can buy him or her. Granted, I would probably spend more time playing with the toys than my child but that is beside the point. I am a big kid at heart, and this post will break down some of my favorite child hood toys, and some that totally sucked ass. If you feel that you want to add some of your favorites feel free and comment.

The Big Wheel: As a kid I was a master of the big wheel, beating my other friends whenever we raced. Whether it was skidding out with it or racing over bumpy terrain, people knew that I wasn't to be fucked with when it came to the almighty Big Wheel. I loved this toy, but there was a downside to it also. For one thing, when the big wheel wore out the plastic wheels would cave in and you would have one irritating ride whenever you used it. Also, when you realized that you weren't going that fast, you began to use it as a glorified skateboard. Holding on to the handlebars, putting one foot on the seat, and pushing off with the other foot gave you 3 times the speed.

Stretch Armstrong: One Christmas I got this toy and I was totally psyched. Stretch Armstrong was a simple toy, like his name suggests he has the power to stretch in every direction that you pull him in. Personally, If I was Stretch Armstrong there would only be one body part that could stretch to ungodly lengths, but hey that's me. The problem with this toy, as I found out on that fateful Christmas day, is that the Stretch Armstrong toy was a piece of crap. I found out that if you stretch the toy too much that the toy tears, and this toxic blue goo comes oozing out of it. My old man was so freaked out over the blue goo that after he wrapped the toy up tightly in a trash bag he threw it away in a nearby dumpster, not in our garbage can.

Hot Wheels and the race track with it: Collecting hot wheels is as American as apple pie and invading a country illegally. I used to collect all kind of cool cars, all type of exotic types, and it was always cool to compare your cars with the ones your friends had. Hot Wheels eventually came with a race track so you could compete against your friends to see whose cars were the fastest. There was a downside to those race tracks when all was said and done: 1) The race tracks were a parents nightmare because if you had a decent sized track that would mean more clutter at the end of the day. 2) If you fucked up, and your parent was about to beat the brakes off of you, that race track was a legitimate ass whipping object. So the toy that you love and adore was also imprinted on your hind-parts.

He-Man: "By the Powers of Greyskull, I have the Power!!" I used to love that shit, along with the toys that cartoon produced. It seemed like I had every He-Man action figure out whether it was "He-Man", "Man at arms", this green guy who actually smelled like pine, you name it I had it. As a kid I was hooked to the cartoon because He-Man was not to be fucked with, and I liked that. But I must admit that my affection for the show changed when my mother bought me the toy version of Castle of Greyskull for me one day. The commercial for said toy made it look like it had all these features that a kid could spend hours enjoying. The truth was that it was a 25 dollar piece of plastic crap. It was flimsy as shit, and I knew that the toy was shit when my own mother said, "What a piece of shit this is!" She was right. Also, as an adult I kind of see He-man in a different light. It seems like a very homo-erotic cartoon to me now that I'm older. See the outfits he was wearing, straight from a gay pride parade. But then again, I have that same theory about many cartoons. I'm not homophobic, but the Smurf colony was all gay because only a select few tried to get with smurfette. Velma from Scooby-Doo was a card carrying lesbian, so was Peppermint Patty from the Charlie Brown cartoons. They aren't fooling anybody. I think that Fat Albert had some sugar in his tank as well, but I don't feel the need to "Out" him at this particular time.

Nerf Products: The other day some college friends and I were playing a game of football in a park near my house. It surprise me that they were playing with a Nerf Football, something that I hadn't seen in years. For those of you who don't know, the Nerf football isn't a regulation football, it is made out of a foam type substance. You could literally throw that thing for miles, and if you could catch a Nerf football you were branded a bona fide "pussy" by all of your friends. It was a great product, but there were also some downsides to it. First off, after some time it would wear down and pieces started coming out of it, thus affecting the velocity of it when thrown. Also, if you fucked up and threw the football in some water it would become water-logged and be heavy as shit.

Bee-Bee Gun: Some genius in my family gave me a be-be gun for my birthday one year. I forgot who gave it to me, but I knew automatically that the fact that I had a weapon that could hurt people totally went undetected by my folks. How did this fly under the parental radar? I guess they thought it was a water gun, or maybe they weren't paying attention, but I wasn't going to ask them about it. This wasn't the rifle type of be-be gun, this was of the pistol variety. Granted, it wouldn't puncture your skin by no means but it would definitely leave a mark. I used to hide in some bushes assassin style and shoot people I didn't like. Watching them scream and wonder where the shot came from was priceless. If a bully fucked with me, they were getting shot. If a grown up gave me shit, they were getting shot. If a store owner kicked us out of his store, he was getting shot. It all came to an end when a friend of my dad caught me in some bushes about to take someone down. So he took my gun and I begged him not to tell my dad. It is good that he intervened, because who knows what kind of life that would have led to.

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When Prom Dates Attack!

Most people have fond memories of their prom, from spending a wonderful evening with your classmates to having lustful teenage sex afterwords in a cheap hotel, this should be an important night for any High school student. Well, my prom experience was a absolute nightmare so let me share my pathetic experience with all of you.

As I remember it I had no plans to go to prom whatsoever. See, I went to Kempsville High School in Virginia Beach, Virginia from 1989-1991. I have no ill feelings towards my alma mater, but the parties and functions that I had attended my sophomore and junior years were the epitome of wackness. The music was always weak, but then again it is kind of easy to forget about the 8 black students out of 300 seniors that went there. Feeling that the prom would just be like any other wack function that i had went to, I decided early that I would be skipping that particular event.

That is until the one day I had a misinterpreted conversation with a girl named Tesha(Named changed to protect the guilty). Tesha comes up to my locker while I'm standing beside it and says, "So Critic, are you going to prom?" Remembering my anti-prom stance I quickly said, "Hell no!" She chuckled and said, "You know, we should go to prom together. Lets go to prom together!?" Thinking she was joking by the giggling she was doing I said, "Yeah, lets go to prom together. You are officially my date!" We both had a good laugh and went about our way. Fast forward a week later and she gives me a call telling me that she already paid for her dress, and that she can't wait to go to prom with me. I said, "I thought we were joking! Are you bullshitting me?" Her long pause told me that she was serious as a heart attack, then she said "Well OK, I think I can get my money back.(long sigh)" For a person known for throat chopping motherfuckers and cursing out priests, I have shown moments of weakness in my life. This was one of those moments as I told her that I was down with going to the prom after hearing the utter disappointment in her voice.

The weird thing is a few days later I was giving a ride to this chick named Arleen . See, I had a crush on her but she never gave me the time of day, the mere fact that she asked me for a ride home was surprising to say the least. I know that she was only one of the 4 black females in my senior class, but she was the finest black girl in the school. She asked me, "HumanityCritic, do you have a date to prom?" She wanted to go to prom with me and i am going with a chick that's forcing me to wear a peach cummerbund!! FUCK!! I should have gave Tesha the old heave-ho and went with Arleen, but unfortunately I had a conscious so I told Arleen that I already had a date.

As you all know about prom, it is that you and your date have to coordinate the colors you will be wearing. Since she got her dress without agreeing with me on a color I knew that my bow tie and cummerbund would have to be whatever color her dress was. I went to her house to see her dress and meet her mother since i felt it was only right to introduce myself. For one thing her mother was ghetto as fuck, asking the both of us "Are yall gonna fuck after the prom? I quickly ignored what she had asked us and I told Tesha that I wanted to see her dress. As I saw her dress I was horrified, not because the dress was ugly because it was average enough. I was horrified because the color of said dress was peach. Peach!! Which meant that I would have to get a peach bow tie and cumber bun, looking like some sort of gay pimp.

Prom day comes and I have everything set for a memorable night. My people had rented me a kick ass convertible car, me and my boy Ron had got these two adjoining hotel rooms for a prom after-party that we had planned, everything seemed perfect. I pick up my date and I quickly notice her continuously adjusting her dress, apparently wearing a strapless dress is a no-no if it isn't fitted properly or you don't have big enough breasts to fill it out. Even though I have the top up, she keeps complaining about her hair and how the wind is messing it up. She couldn't stop complaining. When we went to the restaurant where we met my boy Ron and his date, Tesha ordered a shitload of food which caught everyone's attention. One dating rule that I have always had has been that a chick can order whatever she wants, just she better eat that shit. This chick took literally 4 bites of her food and claimed that she was "full". I said, "Oh hell no, you better eat that shit!" She refused, and when I inquired for a doggie bag she declined once again. I said "Fuck that", and had the waiter put the food in a doggie bag anyway.

It got worse when we got to the actual prom. For one thing we danced once, she virtually ignored me all night, and when we did talk it was these brief and weird conversations. Granted the prom was wack anyway, but I realized early on that the chances of me getting some "Late-night love" was quickly deteriorating.

After the prom she had the audacity to say how hungry she was and that I should buy her something to eat. I throw the doggie bag from the restaurant in her lap, and while cruising down the highway I let down the convertible top making her hair a virtual mess. We all meet up at the hotel, all 8 of the black senior class and some other of my friends of various racial backgrounds. Arleen show up looking tired and disheveled. We asked her what happened and she informs us that she never made it to prom because her dates car broke down. It seems that we both would have been better off if we went with each other.

Then this guy shows up who no one knows. Come to find out Tesha had called him up there to chill with her. Worse than that Tesha had implied that she wanted to "use" the room with the guy in question later on that night. I mean, I know we weren't hitting it off but what the fuck was that? I gave her a "have you lost your motherfucking mind" look and simply mumbled "hell no" and went about entertaining the people who had come to the room.

Her guy friend leaves and she informs me that she wants to be taken home immediately. Looking back I regret that I did this but: 1)I asked her why couldn't her raggedy ass man take her home? 2)When the females were saying, "that's fucked up HumanityCritic", I still refused until my homegirl took her home.

The night ended with Ron, this guy named Jimmy, and I cruising downtown laughing at the transvestites standing on the street corner. I never laughed so hard in my laugh, definitely making the night a little better. We weren't laughing at them because they were homosexual, we were laughing because many of them were built like bodybuilders. I'd pull up and say, "You ain't fooling anybody motherfucker! You are built like Hulk Hogan!" Ahh, to be 17 and immature, I miss those days.

Officer! Officer! HumanityCritic has just been robbed!!

This following post is dedicated to my friend Lisa who was recently mugged. The robber thankfully didn't hurt her and the cops arrested the guy within hours of the incident. Of course Lisa is rather shaken up, and she said "You are lucky that you are a guy and don't have to go through this." It definitely is true that women are put in this horrible predicament more than men. So, as an attempt to make Lisa feel better being that she reads this blog, I will run down the times I was robbed or attempted to be robbed.


House Party(1990): I was at a house party where I was bumping and grinding to the sweet sounds of Big Daddy Kane and Soul to Soul. We are were having a great time, and the girl I had been crushing on the whole year was actually giving me some play. Even though she was the only one not shitfaced drunk, she hinted that I might get "lucky" later. What a night I thought, as I went to the bathroom to unleash recycled beer being that I have the bladder of a toddler. All of a sudden I hear two gunshots, *Bang-Bang*, and somebody saying "Everybody empty your pockets!" I stood there frozen as I hear one of the assailants opening bedroom doors, coming my direction. I have to admit that many times I have been brave, I mean stupid, when it comes to my life being in danger. I did what any young man full of piss and vinegar would have done, I climbed out the window and ran like a runaway slave. Not one of my finer moments, but something funny happened when I got to school Monday. Apparently some of the guys at the party had overpowered the two would-be robbers and beat the shit out of them. Since everyone was drunk, they were saying that I helped them and saying shit like "Man, HumanityCritic knocked one of those guys out!" I played it for all it was worth, going along with it even though I was as cowardly as George Bush circa 1973. Problem was that the girl I was crushing on knew the truth, and threatened to tell everyone if i didn't do her a few favors. Let's just say that I was her bitch for the rest of the year.


New York, New York:(1994): I was constantly going to New York when I had aspirations to be an MC. Meeting producers, other rappers, label people, New York was damn near my second home. One night me and this dude name Timmy were leaving a restaurant and this guy comes out of nowhere and sticks a pistol in our faces. I am ready to agree to all of this man's demands, outside of homosexual sex, but Timmy starts screaming "Come on tough guy, you aren't going to use that gun!" The robber cocks the gun back and said, "If you clowns don't give me your money I will shoot you where you stand" Here I am trying to unload what I had in my wallet and even offer some blood if this motherfucker needs it, and Timmy says "Come on asshole, shoot us because we aren't giving you shit!" Even though I like Timmy, but he was by no means my friend I said, "Excuse me brother, he doesn't speak for me so when he says "we" he means "he"!" The guy hits Timmy with the butt of his gun, Timmy goes down, and the guy gets the contents out of Timmy's pockets. As he left the robber said to me, "You don't know how close your boy came from getting you killed", and walked away. Looking back I cringe at how scared I was, but it is my belief that that guy meant business.


Drug Deal Gone Bad:(1997) Granted I have smoked weed before, and even enjoyed it, but I always hated having to deal with drug dealers. Most of them are shifty characters, and no matter how long you have known them they always try to fuck you somehow.(Figuratively, not literally) My boy Bob was a big weed head so while I was over his house a dealer had came by to sell to him. I was in the back watching T.V and I hear some arguing in the front of the house. I go to investigate and apparently the dealer had suddenly raised his price and Bob objected. The dealer, claiming that Bob was disrespecting him pulled an object out of his pocket and put it in his shirt as to imply that he had a pistol pointing at us. Bob jumped back and plead for the guy not to shoot. I told everyone to calm down then it occurred to me, who tries to conceal a weapon when they don't have to? I mean, he was in the house so what gives? Realizing that this was just a ruse I slowly walked towards him, told him that I would pay him the money, then I kicked him dead in the sternum. He laid on the ground screaming like I had just yanked out his kidneys or something. When I went to see what the object was that was under his shirt, I discovered that it was a goddamned T.V remote. I was going to kick him a few times but he was balling so loudly I kind of felt sorry for him. But then I remembered that he had just tried to rob me with a remote control so I gave him one good kick for good measure. The funny thing is that I went to Bob's house about a week later, and that same dealer comes back they are laughing and joking. I ask Bob what gives and he tells me that that dealer is his only connection and he can't let him go. Jesus.


Late Night A.T.M:(2002) I don't know about yall, but when I go to the A.T.M late at night I check all my surroundings to make sure there aren't any unwanted visitors. I guess this night I was slipping because a bum gets in front of my car exposing a switchblade that he had and said "Give me your money nigger!" This was ridiculous on many levels: 1)He had a switchblade and he wasn't holding it to my body 2)He was standing "in front" of my car, I could have just ran him over. 3) I could have just rolled up my window and hit reverse. I mean, the whole scenario was silly and I would have pulled off but the "nigger" comment rubbed me the wrong way. So I told him that I was reaching for my wallet when I was actually reaching for the wooden pipe-like object that I carry around in my car. I ease it on to my drivers side seat, get out of the car, and tell him to come to me and get the money since I am too scared to move. When he is in striking distance I reach and grab the stick, and strike him rather forcefully on the kneecaps. Not hard enough to Mame, but hard enough to drop a motherfucker. I kick away his knife and said, "Who in the fuck are you calling Nigger!" I knew I wasn't going to hurt this man any further, but the cops showed up and it got ugly. Image a stocky dreadlocked black man yelling at a skinny white guy while having a wooden weapon in his hand. The cops acted like I was I had just struck the president, but quickly the situation was handled. I saw that same bum about a week later asking for change outside of a 7-11 I was exiting. I said, "You tried to rob me last week man, Fuck you!"

HumanityCritic's Viewing Habits

Between me trying to save the world from subpar Hip Hop, trying to date Salma Hayek, and throat chopping your garden variety House Negro, I don't watch as much TV as I used to. But I must admit though, I am somewhat of a snob. Not a "I achieved more in life than you so you are inferior to me" snob because somebody should beat the brakes off of those assholes. But I am a movie and television snob, who will openly wonder if your parents were siblings if you say something like "My favorite show is "The Parkers"". Here is a quick rundown of a few television shows that I try not to miss.

Inside the Actors Studio: If you aren't really a movie fan then this show might bore the shit out of you since it is a one hour interview, and a rundown of an actors career. But I love this show because you get to hear your favorite actors talk about their method, and discuss movies that might be close to your heart. I admit, it can get tiring hearing someone go on and on about themselves, but you learn some pretty interesting things. Like Jack Lemmon's life long struggle with alcoholism, Gene Hackman breaking down when recalling the day his dad left his family, and that Will Smith turned down the starring role in "The Matrix" to do "The Wild Wild West". Even though the shows host James Lipton asks the same list of questions at the end of each show, I am still curious to see what people's "Favorite Curse Word" is.(If you were wondering, mine is "motherfucker", or "douchebag", depending on the day.)

24: I have been a fan of this show since day one, but the one of the problems that I have with it is if you miss a day you are royally fucked! Keifer Sutherland's character "Jack Bauer" is great because the guy simply doesn't give a fuck, and he will do what it takes to get the job done.(i.e Electric shock his current girlfriends estranged husband to get information, break 4 fingers of a guy to get information even though he got orders from the president not to do so, etc..) The guy would kick your grandmother in the forehead just to get some information. Granted, you have to remember that it is strictly a TV show, because no guy can have so many days where he saves the country. What I also like about the show is that the writers aren't scared to kill off a popular character, so my advice to you is to not to get attached to any character not named "Jack Bauer". Lastly, you have to love a show that had a black President.

Pardon the Interruption: I am like any other red blooded, porn loving, George Bush loathing, sports fan who watches ESPN on a continuous basis. But the problem with some sports coverage is that it can be as irresponsible as the nightly news is, reporters blurring the line between actual facts and their piss poor opinion. This show consists of two guys, Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon, who definitely express their opinions but they don't blur the line between that and the facts. What I also like about the show is that you never know what their stance might be. For example, some commentators you know hate Bary Bonds, hate Kobe, so every story about those individuals that is presented to them is going to be met with a negative reaction. Not these guys, they judge sports issues on a individual basis, you can't peg these guys down. Instead of hearing some ex-NBA player who was absolute garbage rant about how horrible Kobe is, or Michael "coke and whores" Irvin talk about what a disgrace Randy Moss is, I rather hear legitimate arguments from legitimate journalists.

"The Office": The verdict really isn't in concerning the American version of said show, but the past few episodes have shown some promise. Usually when shows that were originally British become americanized it doesn't really translate because I think that Americans don't really have the same sense of humor as the British. For example, what made the British version so great were the awkward pauses when someone told a unfunny joke, or the expressions on people's faces that spoke volumes. I didn't think those subtleties would translate being that us Americans are as subtle as a prison raping. But hopefully I'm wrong and the American version of "The Office" catches on. Better yet hopefully it can be half as funny as the original.

VH1's 'Behind the Music": Isn't it great to see your favorite singer or band reminisce about how they almost overdosed, or how their manager happened to steal 5 million dollars from them? Like "Inside the Actors Studio", you learn details about certain artists that you wouldn't regularly learn.(i.e I don't say this about anybody but I feel the Professor Griff would kick my ass./ Biggie shouldn't of taken the high road and dissed the fuck out of Tupac/ Bobby Brown is a goddamned crackhead!!-but I guess everyone has known that for a while huh?..) Definitely a good show, so good in fact that you sit there glued to the television watching artists that regularly you wouldn't give two fucks about.

Real Time with Bill Maher: I believe in absolutely knowing your enemy, so sometimes I will watch FOX news just to sharpen my debating skills against your garden variety bottom feeders:(i.e, Republicans, Black Republicans, Uncle Toms who support Condi Rice because of her skin color, any black person who voted for Bush strictly because of the gay marriage issue-Peasant) Well, even though Bill Maher I think considers himself libertarian, he indeed has many republicans on his show so its good to see how they think. He's pretty funny, and tends to get to the core of an issue and not let any guest get away with bullshitting him. Granted, this season kind of sucks because he has been on some "Lets get a more conservative audience" crap because of the heat he is getting from the right. I hope he lets that go because you don't hear right-wing hosts talking about having a more "liberal" audience.

No Offense, But Why in the Fuck are you Famous Again?

In all seriousness, I generally wish people well and hope they fulfill their wildest dreams. You guys know the dude that plays the boyfriend of rapper Eve on her self titled show, or the guy that played her no good boyfriend in the movie Barbershop? OK, me and that dude went to high school together(Jason George) and he was on my track team. I wish him the best because not only is he a nice guy but he deserves all the success he gets. I am not a hater, but I have absolutely no respect for someone who is famous and they don't have any recognizable talent whatsoever. Today I will point some of these individuals out.(Post inspired by Y. Massey)

Paris Hilton/Nicole Richie: I never knew that being a rich, obnoxious slut was a talent. Every time I see either of these two on a entertainment news show I keep waiting to see what their specific talent is. So far, we know that Nicole Richie is Lionel Richie's Daughter, no marketable skills, and she likes drugs. Paris Hilton is part of the Hilton fortune, no marketable skills, and she has the I.Q of a toddler. I once heard Paris say that she didn't want to take a certain movie role because it would damage her image. I immediately said to myself, " Image?? There is a porno tape of you banging some loser in a hotel room, people already have the fact that you are a slut ingrained in their mind." Nicole Richie, besides being a major druggie, once said that she wanted to "Have sex with Kobe Bryant" while being inteviewed on national television at a Lakers game.(Did I mention that she said that while his rape case was going on? Smart move) These two just show that celebrity is easier to obtain nowadays when you are virtually talentless.


Bentley Farnsworth: To say this jackass irritates the fuck out of me is an understatement. I mean, the guy is Puffy's man servant for Christs sake! Where in the fuck is the talent in that? As a black man I would find being anyone's "servant" demeaning on any level. He can't rap, sing, produce, but he can hold one hell of a umbrella for Puffy when it is raining! He has been in countless videos, fashion themed shows, and other outlets and I am still waiting to find out what he exactly does that proves that he has talent.

Anna Nicole Smith: I know that she was once a model, but come on. She married a guy damn near on his death bed in hopes to collect some fat cash and so far that hasn't worked out for her. She had a reality show where all she did was stay medicated 24/7 and acted like a complete jackass. Every time I see her she looks completely high off her ass, struggling through simple sentences and embarrassing the shit out of herself. Now she peddles this stuff called "Trimspa" after losing a shitload of weight. 'Trimspa" must have crack in it because her ass lost that weight really fast, with crackfein-type accuracy. Again, she has no recognizable talent besides being a pill popping chick with extremely big boobs.

Anyone on a reality Show: Message to anyone ever on a reality show: The reason why your acting career hasn't taken off after your appearance on that reality show is because casting agents know, like me, that you are talentless. I mean, Omaroso is a woman that proved herself to be a backstabbing incompetent witch, why would I want to hire her for my new sitcom?? I respect people who do the reality show, go back to their old lives and keep it moving. To suddenly think you are a acting commodity because you were simply in front of a camera is ridiculous to me.

Bishop Don Magic Juan: This is going to sound weird coming from a guy who can call out a shitload of porn-stars by name, but this guy bothers me on a social level. When did being a pimp become marketable in the entertainment world? Not only is this guy somewhat offensive with his ugly suits and horrendous pimp cups, but the guy butchers the English language whenever he opens his mouth. At least be a articulate pimp! every time he appears on T.V he sets the civil rights movement back 100 years, seriously. When people ask him what role he plays in his entourage Snoop says that this guy is his "spiritual adviser". My question to Snoop is what exactly is he advising you in, better and more accurate ways to "smack your bitch"? Come on. The mere fact that this jackass is famous for being a pimp, and not having one marketable entertainment skill is beyond me.

HumanityCritic See's Dead People!

The other day I was watching "Crossing Over with John Edward", it had to be a rerun because I think it has been canceled. For those of you who don't know, this is a show where the Host, John Edward, has the ability to relay messages from the deceased loved ones of the audience members. I realized immediately that he was a absolute fraud. Not a fraud because i don't believe in a persons ability to contact spirits, but because every time a persons deceased loved one talks to John Edward they always have a positive message to give. You mean to tell me that there aren't any pissed off people that want to curse people the fuck out who are still living. Here is how a day in my life would go if I had the ability to hear voices from beyond, or "See Dead People."

(Alarm clock goes off, HumanityCritic hits the snooze button and goes back to sleep)

(HC's old track coach appears with a sweatsuit on, and a whistle)

Coach: HC, get your black ass up!! (Blows whistle in HC's ear)

HumanityCritic: What! What! Ok, I'm getting up, shit

Coach: Son, you were one of my best long jumpers from 89-91, damn you have gotten chubby son. Couldn't stay away from the buffet table huh?

HumanityCritic: Fuck you! What are you doing here anyway? What do you want?

Coach: When I found out that your lazy ass had the ability to see people like me, I had to come visit. Why didn't you come to my funeral? That hurt me man.

HumanityCritic: I'm sorry, I hate funerals. But I drove by when it was taking place, just couldn't gather enough courage to go inside. Plus, there were so many pick-up trucks and confederate flags outside I thought I would be walking into a ambush.

Coach: Ha-ha. I see your point. Well, I'm off.(Disappears in thin air)

(HumanityCritic takes a shower, then begins to brush his teeth)
(Deceased Girlfriend Sheila gives HumanityCritic a warm embrace from behind)

Sheila: Hey sexy, long time no hear from.

HumanityCritic: What the..Damn girl, I know you are dead but your deceased ass is giving me the stiffest morning wood ever.

Sheila: Still a pervert I see. I thought you would be married by now with a few kids. What happened? Don't answer that, I know you, I know what happened.

HumanityCritic: Yeah, you know me too well. What are you doing here?

Sheila: Well, I am visiting all my ex-boyfriends this week but your ass is the only one that could see me, ain't that some shit? I miss you so much, and I feel that if I hadn't taken that stupid cross-country trip to California we would still be together. You told me not to go.

HumanityCritic: Yeah, I miss you too. I cried like a baby at your funeral and..

Sheila: I know.(begins tearing up) I can't deal with this now.(Disappears)

(HumanityCritic throws on some clothes and heads downstairs to eat breakfast)

(Grandmother appears)

Grandma: Hey you little shit! How is my 4th favorite Grandchild doing? Have any beer?

HumanityCritic: Top shelf to the right. This month I'm the "4th" huh? Seems like I am moving up in the rankings. Hey Grandma. What's up?

Grandma: Why does anything have to be up you dread-locked motherfucker? Look at your hair, you look like a thick black mop!

HumanityCritic: Hey take it easy!

Grandma: But seriously, I have been brought here to tell you something rather important and that is you need to let your dad's death go and stop feeling guilty.

HumanityCritic:I don't feel guilty, you don't know what you're talking about:

Grandma: OK kid, so you are telling me that the information that I received from the almighty himself is wrong? Do you want to be the one that calls God fallible? You want to deal with those consequences?

HumanityCritic: (with a look of horror on face) OK, I have been a little guilty.

Grandma: Good, now cut that shit out and move the fuck on with your life. Can't live your life looking in the rear view mirror. I love you, but your regret and feeling responsible for something that isn't there is taking years off of your life.

HumanityCritic: OK, I feel what you're saying. I thought you wanted a beer?

Grandma: (looking down at her body) How exactly am i going to pick that motherfucker up HC? I am a goddamned hologram! I'm outta here. Love you!

HumanityCritic: OK, I'll see you later. Love you too.

(HumanityCritic get in his car to run some errands, suddenly his father appears in the passenger seat)

Father: Hey Son, surprised to see me?

HumanityCritic: I saw my track coach. ex girlfriend, and grandmother in the course of a few minutes, I figured you were next. How are you doing?

Father: Fine: You know hell isn't that bad at all, plus they have better ladies there. What yall hear about hell is just holy propaganda.

HumanityCritic: (with terrified look on face) You mean you're in.. You're in..

Father: Got Ya!! hahahahaha. The look on your face was priceless, no I'm not in hell jackass. Jesus your ass is touchy today!

HumanityCritic: Very funny! OK, everyone had an agenda today, what's yours.

Father: Can't a father see his son? Plus, you really need to get over my death, if you knew the fun I was having you wouldn't feel so bad. Look, I wasn't the best father..

HumanityCritic: ..and I wasn't the best son.

Father: All I'm saying is that no matter what I love you with all my heart and I don't want you to make the same mistakes with your kis that I made with you. Speaking of children, why don't you have any kids yet? Are you shooting blanks, because it isn't common for Critic men to not come with the heat!!!

HumanityCritic: I'll have kids someday, don't you worry.

Father: Anyway I have a crap game to be at with Red Foxx, Johnnie Cochran, Joe Louis, and that motherfucker who hosts that show "Crossing Over", John Edwards.

HumanityCritic: John Edwards? I thought he was a fraud.

Father: Hell no, he's the real deal. Stop hating! (Vanishes)

The end