Officer! Officer! HumanityCritic has just been robbed!!

This following post is dedicated to my friend Lisa who was recently mugged. The robber thankfully didn't hurt her and the cops arrested the guy within hours of the incident. Of course Lisa is rather shaken up, and she said "You are lucky that you are a guy and don't have to go through this." It definitely is true that women are put in this horrible predicament more than men. So, as an attempt to make Lisa feel better being that she reads this blog, I will run down the times I was robbed or attempted to be robbed.


House Party(1990): I was at a house party where I was bumping and grinding to the sweet sounds of Big Daddy Kane and Soul to Soul. We are were having a great time, and the girl I had been crushing on the whole year was actually giving me some play. Even though she was the only one not shitfaced drunk, she hinted that I might get "lucky" later. What a night I thought, as I went to the bathroom to unleash recycled beer being that I have the bladder of a toddler. All of a sudden I hear two gunshots, *Bang-Bang*, and somebody saying "Everybody empty your pockets!" I stood there frozen as I hear one of the assailants opening bedroom doors, coming my direction. I have to admit that many times I have been brave, I mean stupid, when it comes to my life being in danger. I did what any young man full of piss and vinegar would have done, I climbed out the window and ran like a runaway slave. Not one of my finer moments, but something funny happened when I got to school Monday. Apparently some of the guys at the party had overpowered the two would-be robbers and beat the shit out of them. Since everyone was drunk, they were saying that I helped them and saying shit like "Man, HumanityCritic knocked one of those guys out!" I played it for all it was worth, going along with it even though I was as cowardly as George Bush circa 1973. Problem was that the girl I was crushing on knew the truth, and threatened to tell everyone if i didn't do her a few favors. Let's just say that I was her bitch for the rest of the year.


New York, New York:(1994): I was constantly going to New York when I had aspirations to be an MC. Meeting producers, other rappers, label people, New York was damn near my second home. One night me and this dude name Timmy were leaving a restaurant and this guy comes out of nowhere and sticks a pistol in our faces. I am ready to agree to all of this man's demands, outside of homosexual sex, but Timmy starts screaming "Come on tough guy, you aren't going to use that gun!" The robber cocks the gun back and said, "If you clowns don't give me your money I will shoot you where you stand" Here I am trying to unload what I had in my wallet and even offer some blood if this motherfucker needs it, and Timmy says "Come on asshole, shoot us because we aren't giving you shit!" Even though I like Timmy, but he was by no means my friend I said, "Excuse me brother, he doesn't speak for me so when he says "we" he means "he"!" The guy hits Timmy with the butt of his gun, Timmy goes down, and the guy gets the contents out of Timmy's pockets. As he left the robber said to me, "You don't know how close your boy came from getting you killed", and walked away. Looking back I cringe at how scared I was, but it is my belief that that guy meant business.


Drug Deal Gone Bad:(1997) Granted I have smoked weed before, and even enjoyed it, but I always hated having to deal with drug dealers. Most of them are shifty characters, and no matter how long you have known them they always try to fuck you somehow.(Figuratively, not literally) My boy Bob was a big weed head so while I was over his house a dealer had came by to sell to him. I was in the back watching T.V and I hear some arguing in the front of the house. I go to investigate and apparently the dealer had suddenly raised his price and Bob objected. The dealer, claiming that Bob was disrespecting him pulled an object out of his pocket and put it in his shirt as to imply that he had a pistol pointing at us. Bob jumped back and plead for the guy not to shoot. I told everyone to calm down then it occurred to me, who tries to conceal a weapon when they don't have to? I mean, he was in the house so what gives? Realizing that this was just a ruse I slowly walked towards him, told him that I would pay him the money, then I kicked him dead in the sternum. He laid on the ground screaming like I had just yanked out his kidneys or something. When I went to see what the object was that was under his shirt, I discovered that it was a goddamned T.V remote. I was going to kick him a few times but he was balling so loudly I kind of felt sorry for him. But then I remembered that he had just tried to rob me with a remote control so I gave him one good kick for good measure. The funny thing is that I went to Bob's house about a week later, and that same dealer comes back they are laughing and joking. I ask Bob what gives and he tells me that that dealer is his only connection and he can't let him go. Jesus.


Late Night A.T.M:(2002) I don't know about yall, but when I go to the A.T.M late at night I check all my surroundings to make sure there aren't any unwanted visitors. I guess this night I was slipping because a bum gets in front of my car exposing a switchblade that he had and said "Give me your money nigger!" This was ridiculous on many levels: 1)He had a switchblade and he wasn't holding it to my body 2)He was standing "in front" of my car, I could have just ran him over. 3) I could have just rolled up my window and hit reverse. I mean, the whole scenario was silly and I would have pulled off but the "nigger" comment rubbed me the wrong way. So I told him that I was reaching for my wallet when I was actually reaching for the wooden pipe-like object that I carry around in my car. I ease it on to my drivers side seat, get out of the car, and tell him to come to me and get the money since I am too scared to move. When he is in striking distance I reach and grab the stick, and strike him rather forcefully on the kneecaps. Not hard enough to Mame, but hard enough to drop a motherfucker. I kick away his knife and said, "Who in the fuck are you calling Nigger!" I knew I wasn't going to hurt this man any further, but the cops showed up and it got ugly. Image a stocky dreadlocked black man yelling at a skinny white guy while having a wooden weapon in his hand. The cops acted like I was I had just struck the president, but quickly the situation was handled. I saw that same bum about a week later asking for change outside of a 7-11 I was exiting. I said, "You tried to rob me last week man, Fuck you!"