The one that got away...

I know that the last thing that a female wants to be compared to is a fish, so those who are offended just remember that "the one that got away" is just a figure of speech. I have done my fair share of sabotaging relationships in my past but here are a few examples of exemplary women that I let slip through my fingers.

Sara: It seems like it was only yesterday that I first met Sara in one of my college classes a little bit more than a decade ago. We got paired up to do a project and I was in love as soon as I saw her. She was blind, but the didn't stop her from having a sense of humor about it or crushing her thirst for life. That was definitely during a period of my life where monogamy wasn't even in my vocabulary, but I was committed to spending the rest of my life with her. As I remember it she got all of my jokes, when I said that dating her made me feel like Lionel Richie in that "Hello" video she laughed so hard she spit her drink in my face. She was one of a kind, but there always has to be something that throws a monkey wrench in the program. Her parents totally objected and made it clear to me that they didn't like me, I think they even ordered her to stop seeing me. Her father even came to my residence and threatened me with physical violence if I didn't stop seeing her. The mere fact that I didn't paralyze his ass made me realize how much I loved Sara. We stayed together for a little while after that but she was always stressed out and scared that her parents would stop paying for her schooling if she didn't stop seeing me. At the time, because her future was bright and I didn't want her to throw away her future because of me, I thought it was in her best interest that we break up. Tears flowing down her face as she tightly embraced me she said, "You don't have to do this!! It doesn't have to be like this!" Even as I type this I feel that memory carved in my brain forever. I remember going home after breaking up with her and crying like a baby, sobbing while looking at myself at a bathroom mirror. That is one of the few times I have cried over a woman, somehow I don't feel embarrassed admitting that. Looking back, I should of fought for her and not taken the easy way out. For a guy that at one time had no problem fighting three guys during a confrontation, I sure can be a pussy.

Samantha: Sam was a girl that I met through my good friend Janeane. Back when I had aspirations of being a hip hop artist, I would go to New York with Janeane and meet with producers and try to record demos and shit. We used to stay at Janeane's grandmothers house in Newark New Jersey whenever we tried to take on the Big Apple with our dreams of being world famous MC's. Samantha was a friend of Janeane's who I think liked me damn near immediately. She was a beautiful Jamaican girl who, I think, was going to school to be a pilot. I really fumbled the ball on this one. For one thing, when she came down to Virginia to specifically see me I think I saw her once out of the four days she was here. Secondly, when I went to Jersey one time with Janeane I had gotten sick while I was there. Sam nursed me back to health, cooked for me, gave me some sort of Jamaican ginger root remedy, and held me in her arms while I slept.(As I write this I realize that I am one big colossal fuck up) I didn't reciprocate the same emotion towards her and eventually she drifted away.A couple of years ago I asked janeane how Sam was doing and she didn't know and said that she would find out for me. I told her, "I hope she is single, because i really fucked up with that" A day later janeane had informed me that Sam was married and had three kids, Janeane was sure to add "and she is extremely happy" as the final seasoning. To add insult to injury, Janeane told me that Sam wanted to let me know that I will "find someone one day". I know that she meant it in the most positive way imaginable but it felt like salt being poured in a open wound.

Mary: Mary was a born again Christian that I met a friends house years ago. I know its wrong to do, but I figured that because she was a "Jesus freak" that she would be nuttier than squirrel shit but she was totally sane. Mary came from a abusive family, so any type of violence whether it be real or fiction disturbed her greatly. I swear, during the tenure of our relationship I must of seem every romantic comedy and Disney movie that a brother has ever been subjected to. I was doing very well cleaning up my language and suppressing my hunger and need to beat someones ass. The whole thing came to a head when Mary and I was leaving a restaurant one night. Two gentlemen, one of them I barely knew, began to verbally harass us as we walked to the car. They said some shit like "Girl, you need real men like us!" I knew that she was against any type of confrontation so for the first time in my life I shut my mouth and walked to the car. I remember Mary praising me for my restraint as I took her home. As I drove away from her house the mere fact that those two motherfuckers would disrespect me like that got me heated. It was eating away at me like battery acid pour directly on the skin. Becoming enraged, I picked up my boy Mark and we headed directly to the restaurant that Mary and I had just left. We waited outside until the two men had exited the building and beat the shit out of them like they had stolen money from me. As I pounded one of the guys while saying "Why aren't you talking shit now?!!", I look up and see Mary's friend who worked there looking shocked at my violent display. Suffice it to say that when Mary found out she wasn't pleased at all. Basically, our relationship ended when I went back to fight those two men.
(*Side-note* One of the guys I beat up that night is a good friend to me now. Life is funny sometimes)

Yolanda: I met her soon after I got out of a five year relationship so the timing couldn't be better. We were in a sports bar watching the 76ers when they were destined for the NBA finals with Iverson leading the way. From day one I was worthless to her because I had just got destroyed by my ex so I didn't give her the attention she deserved. She had everything, smarts, beauty, love for real hip hop, and she loved sports, what more can you want? But somehow, because I can find a way to "fuck up a free lunch" as Kanye says, I messed this relationship up as well. Its weird though, and I know I can't accurately explain it here but I'll try. It seems that with certain things whether it be in front of a crowd, talking to a woman, or whatever, I have pretty high self esteem. But with certain women I have dated I really think that they would be better off without me, I feel that I would infect them like a cancer and fuck their lives up. It's kind of like my band, let me explain: When people come to one of my band's shows and see how I am on stage, arrogant, brash, cocky, sure of himself, that is one thing. But I always feel weird when I see a fan of our band in a social situation because I would hate for them to be disappointed with the "real" me. (Damn, this post is getting sappy real quick, my bad.) Please excuse the melodrama but I really feel that way. I guess having someone know the real me is a scary predicament I guess. Some would say that my explanation is cowardice, that I should defeat my fears head on, and I wouldn't disagree with those sentiments whatsoever.