Tuesday, May 31, 2005

The one that got away...

I know that the last thing that a female wants to be compared to is a fish, so those who are offended just remember that "the one that got away" is just a figure of speech. I have done my fair share of sabotaging relationships in my past but here are a few examples of exemplary women that I let slip through my fingers.

Sara: It seems like it was only yesterday that I first met Sara in one of my college classes a little bit more than a decade ago. We got paired up to do a project and I was in love as soon as I saw her. She was blind, but the didn't stop her from having a sense of humor about it or crushing her thirst for life. That was definitely during a period of my life where monogamy wasn't even in my vocabulary, but I was committed to spending the rest of my life with her. As I remember it she got all of my jokes, when I said that dating her made me feel like Lionel Richie in that "Hello" video she laughed so hard she spit her drink in my face. She was one of a kind, but there always has to be something that throws a monkey wrench in the program. Her parents totally objected and made it clear to me that they didn't like me, I think they even ordered her to stop seeing me. Her father even came to my residence and threatened me with physical violence if I didn't stop seeing her. The mere fact that I didn't paralyze his ass made me realize how much I loved Sara. We stayed together for a little while after that but she was always stressed out and scared that her parents would stop paying for her schooling if she didn't stop seeing me. At the time, because her future was bright and I didn't want her to throw away her future because of me, I thought it was in her best interest that we break up. Tears flowing down her face as she tightly embraced me she said, "You don't have to do this!! It doesn't have to be like this!" Even as I type this I feel that memory carved in my brain forever. I remember going home after breaking up with her and crying like a baby, sobbing while looking at myself at a bathroom mirror. That is one of the few times I have cried over a woman, somehow I don't feel embarrassed admitting that. Looking back, I should of fought for her and not taken the easy way out. For a guy that at one time had no problem fighting three guys during a confrontation, I sure can be a pussy.

Samantha: Sam was a girl that I met through my good friend Janeane. Back when I had aspirations of being a hip hop artist, I would go to New York with Janeane and meet with producers and try to record demos and shit. We used to stay at Janeane's grandmothers house in Newark New Jersey whenever we tried to take on the Big Apple with our dreams of being world famous MC's. Samantha was a friend of Janeane's who I think liked me damn near immediately. She was a beautiful Jamaican girl who, I think, was going to school to be a pilot. I really fumbled the ball on this one. For one thing, when she came down to Virginia to specifically see me I think I saw her once out of the four days she was here. Secondly, when I went to Jersey one time with Janeane I had gotten sick while I was there. Sam nursed me back to health, cooked for me, gave me some sort of Jamaican ginger root remedy, and held me in her arms while I slept.(As I write this I realize that I am one big colossal fuck up) I didn't reciprocate the same emotion towards her and eventually she drifted away.A couple of years ago I asked janeane how Sam was doing and she didn't know and said that she would find out for me. I told her, "I hope she is single, because i really fucked up with that" A day later janeane had informed me that Sam was married and had three kids, Janeane was sure to add "and she is extremely happy" as the final seasoning. To add insult to injury, Janeane told me that Sam wanted to let me know that I will "find someone one day". I know that she meant it in the most positive way imaginable but it felt like salt being poured in a open wound.

Mary: Mary was a born again Christian that I met a friends house years ago. I know its wrong to do, but I figured that because she was a "Jesus freak" that she would be nuttier than squirrel shit but she was totally sane. Mary came from a abusive family, so any type of violence whether it be real or fiction disturbed her greatly. I swear, during the tenure of our relationship I must of seem every romantic comedy and Disney movie that a brother has ever been subjected to. I was doing very well cleaning up my language and suppressing my hunger and need to beat someones ass. The whole thing came to a head when Mary and I was leaving a restaurant one night. Two gentlemen, one of them I barely knew, began to verbally harass us as we walked to the car. They said some shit like "Girl, you need real men like us!" I knew that she was against any type of confrontation so for the first time in my life I shut my mouth and walked to the car. I remember Mary praising me for my restraint as I took her home. As I drove away from her house the mere fact that those two motherfuckers would disrespect me like that got me heated. It was eating away at me like battery acid pour directly on the skin. Becoming enraged, I picked up my boy Mark and we headed directly to the restaurant that Mary and I had just left. We waited outside until the two men had exited the building and beat the shit out of them like they had stolen money from me. As I pounded one of the guys while saying "Why aren't you talking shit now?!!", I look up and see Mary's friend who worked there looking shocked at my violent display. Suffice it to say that when Mary found out she wasn't pleased at all. Basically, our relationship ended when I went back to fight those two men.
(*Side-note* One of the guys I beat up that night is a good friend to me now. Life is funny sometimes)

Yolanda: I met her soon after I got out of a five year relationship so the timing couldn't be better. We were in a sports bar watching the 76ers when they were destined for the NBA finals with Iverson leading the way. From day one I was worthless to her because I had just got destroyed by my ex so I didn't give her the attention she deserved. She had everything, smarts, beauty, love for real hip hop, and she loved sports, what more can you want? But somehow, because I can find a way to "fuck up a free lunch" as Kanye says, I messed this relationship up as well. Its weird though, and I know I can't accurately explain it here but I'll try. It seems that with certain things whether it be in front of a crowd, talking to a woman, or whatever, I have pretty high self esteem. But with certain women I have dated I really think that they would be better off without me, I feel that I would infect them like a cancer and fuck their lives up. It's kind of like my band, let me explain: When people come to one of my band's shows and see how I am on stage, arrogant, brash, cocky, sure of himself, that is one thing. But I always feel weird when I see a fan of our band in a social situation because I would hate for them to be disappointed with the "real" me. (Damn, this post is getting sappy real quick, my bad.) Please excuse the melodrama but I really feel that way. I guess having someone know the real me is a scary predicament I guess. Some would say that my explanation is cowardice, that I should defeat my fears head on, and I wouldn't disagree with those sentiments whatsoever.

28 comments:

Slow Metamorphosis said...

I ABSOLUTELY love this post. You got real heart and are man enough to admit you got feelings enough to cry over a woman. Just reading that Sara was blind... was enough to let me know your a different type of person, cuz that alone would have made folk run away. Im feeling that

Nikki said...

I think we all have those "If I woulda, coulda, shoulda.." moments in regards to past relationships. It's funny, cause I'm someone's Samantha as we speak. He's been trying to turn back the hands of time if it were to try to get back with me, and it's just not happening. It's like you wondered why they couldn't have been man enough to change from the get go. I understand what you've gone through.

Jdid said...

you shouldnt be so hard on yourself though guy. you cant think that certain folks are better off without you.

Rome said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
SP said...

Wow. This is a really good post. Having someone get to know the real you is a very scary thing. But when you are excited to have someone get to know the real you, well, then you've found The One. And that you'll "find someone one day" comment... I get that all the time too. It can get annoying even when people mean the best, especially when they add "There are still plenty of good men out there."

peachy said...

I think when Sam said 'you'll find someone some day' she was busting on you. I think she meant 'Too bad, loser.' Honestly. I doubt it was a good thing.

**FIRE** said...

If you think highly of yourself, not just act it but truely believe it, then the rest will fall into place. You can't please everyone, and people make mistakes. You always have at least 2 choices in life, you may not like them, but they're yours. When it comes to relationships, you can either learn from your blunders and do better, or not. I'm quite the relationship sabatoger myself. If there were rewards for this kind of thing . . . .

But anyway, nothing worth having is ever easily obtained.

**RPM** said...

Amazing, amazing reflection on self. I think this is the kind of conversation many guys have in their head...never to be shared with anyone.

For you to post your thoughts in an open forum with such depth and honestly reveals just how much character and heart you have. Each one of those relationships, I bet, taught you things about you, and the world outside of you. Thanks for sharing this. it's rare for people to be so honest. **RPM**

**RPM** said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Maya's Brother said...

I know you can't do this, but you need to have a PPP (Panties Per Post) index link imbedded somewhere so we can see how much poontang you get each time you post something like this. I am serious about this. Virtuoso!!!!!!

Luke Cage said...

Hey HC. I'm laughing at the previous comment. I actually think its a good idea. As for the One(s) that got away, I think alot of us have had experiences where we look back and say, man, I should've done that differently. I've been fortunate to have been called the "one" that got away.

But, I have a friend who I was in love with years ago and who returned the same love just as much. But she was a Jehovah's witness and I was worldly which is a no-no. She was facing what they called disfellowship. A sort of ex-communication type thing from the Kingdom if we continued our forbidden involvement.

I told her, I cared for her alot, but I couldn't allow her to go through that embarrassment. It was hard, but I don't regret what I did. Only regretting that I didn't listen to her speak out about the situation as well. Pretty much like Sara attempted to do it with you.

I think what you did though was noble. And at times you find out, you live and you learn a little something about you that you didn't know before. When it comes to love, I'll be a pussy everytime dawg.

Danja said...

I have to say, this was a post that truly reflected your "humanity".

you're being man enough to admit that you let a few get away is a beautiful thing. it doesnt make you any less of a man, in fact, it reflects the true manhood you embody.

I felt the words you wrote and I know I personally appreciate having something like to read.

coley said...

HEY HC!!! I just wanted to say Thank You! I *love* when you post something so honest about yourself! Don't get me wrong, I love the LMAO posts too, but this time you really let us have a peak into the real you! I think it's great that you can open up on your blog and who cares if it turns sappy! It shows us that your human and that we all have similar experiences!

@maya's brother: stop hatin on HC! LMAO :)

SMW said...

Wow. The "real" you? We're all afraid to be honest about who we are for fear that the "public" will reject us.

I think that's the great thing about blogging. I can just be me. And I sometimes go overboard doing that, revealing all of my odd ways and craziness and daring people to dislike me (maybe urging them) to prove to myself that I am really unlikeable underneath it all. Yep, that's a self esteem issue right there.

But no one dislikes me, even the "real" me, well, except my baby daddy. Everyone else accepts me as I am and I am gratedul for that. Now it's time to accept myself.

Cynthia said...

Since you are sharing… I'm just wondering (out loud) why you think some people are better off without you? Is this the reason you appear to lose interest in the women you've dated after a brief period?

Captain Bee said...

You tell it straight. I like it.

Beloved said...

Whoa! This is a really awesome post. To get a glimpse into a man's romantic history, especially that who can verbalize and analyze it so well is riveting. Great post! I'm linking you (and delving through your archives)!

Toshiko said...

Wow, this post really spoke to me. I just started a new relationship and I can see signs of how I'm sabotaging it ALREADY. :(

Thinkerbelle said...

Nice post, Critic. Maybe you should have a little faith in yourself and the women you are with. Let them decide if you are a "cancer" in their lives instead of making that decision for them. You may be a better partner then you give yourself credit for.

Mary said...

I used to be the same way, as you described at the end. It's part of the reason why I always ended up with losers for a very, very long time. Those guys were easy to get, and easy to keep because they never expected much. I'm at the point now where I'm with someone that makes me want to be a better wo-man and shit is hard. In the beginning I tried to break up with him a lot just so I can go back to the easy superficial relationships. So it's nothing like BAM someone is going to knock you on your ass and you open up like flood gates but someone who takes the time to get to know the real you. And this. Is turning into it's own post. ;) Loved the stories, HC.

Brother OMi said...

once again, dope post.

its okay to face failure and fear.

Sankofa said...

PPP...lol. That Maya's brother...

Interesting post...I respect your reflective side.

Anonymous said...

Men are not the only ones who have a list of the "the one that got away". You guys are lucky enough to get sympathy, women who let the good man get away are labeled so horribly. Being stupid is one of the milder descriptions. In any event, I know your anguish.

The Foxybrown Show said...

Wow Bro,
All I can say is it's one to grow on, everyday we get to get up and try it one more time and hopefully get a little better at it.

It's 7:45am here in Jersey when are you gonna get started?

Hit me on the blog!

Amadeo said...

I wanted to write a song about situations like this. "We leave the ones the love and love the ones that leave."

CTMunkii said...

Hello The Humanity Critic, I bet when you started a The one that got away... blog, you didn't think you would get some random person like me, who getting bored trying to find skateboard t shirts has decided to communicate with the wider world! I dunno, maybe you did, anyway as you can tell I am going stir crazy, so I'd better not write anymore nonsense on what I think is a good looking blog! Anyway, nice to contribute, and I am off into the great unknown search for more skateboard t shirts. It's good to talk!

Brian said...

"The monster's loose
You're luckier than you know
The one got away...
He's gone, she's gone."

Anonymous said...

We all make stupid mistakes. At least you're man enough to admit you did. I have a really, really awful ex who just treated me like I was nothing and now he's got my friends (cause some of them are mutual) fishing for information about me. Because he's trying to get back in my life. Anyway, he told me that I was "lucky to know him".

I've missed opportunities (he definitely wasn't one). I can appreciate someone who's honest.

Let that honesty help you out.

At least Sam didn't say she hopes you die alone. ;)

Just give it to God and work on being different. And it will be :)