Thursday, May 19, 2005

Warning signs: You may have a porn addiction!

Like all addicts you never think you have a problem, addiction was always a problem that "other people" had. It either takes a "moment of clarity" to either see what you are doing to yourself, or friends and loved ones who are tired of your porn addiction coming together and confronting you in a intervention style. Well, people in my life came together and let me clearly see that I had a problem, and now I see the error in my ways. Fully rehabilitated, I feel that I can help some of you dealing with the same sickness that almost ruined my life. Because I care for all of you, I outlined a helpful guide pointing out the warning signs so you can identify the symptoms, hopefully helping someone before its too late.

1) Having "Bat Cave" Hiding places: Most men who live with a woman know that if you want to keep your porn around that you better have a hiding place for it or it will cease to exist, that's a given. Well, when I was living with someone I used to have the most elaborate hiding places that I would damn near have to draw up a treasure map to get to it, because I would probably forget if I didn't. We used to live in an apartment, so the hiding places were getting out of hand when I started hiding pornography in the foam of our sofa cushion. I had a problem man. I remember when my ex broke up with me and I had to carry my ass, I guess I thought I called myself trying to get even with her because I revealed my top secret porn stashes. She gave me a bewildered look as to say, "That's nice pervert, get your ass out so the new guy I'm fucking can come over!."

2) Music: I'm not saying this was me, but you know that you have a problem with pornography if the only way you can maintain an erection during love making is if you play "70's style funk" porn music in the background. Not saying that was me or anything.

3) Too Much information: I found myself not only knowing most of the porn stars by their screen name, but their real names and their personal biography. Nothing is more creepy than saying the following: "You know that Chesty McBoob is a Virgo, she is from the great state of California, her per peeves are mean people and inequality, and she got a criminal law degree from UCLA!" Really, I shouldn't give a fuck about any of that shit!

4) Inappropriate Behavior: You know that porn addiction has taken over when you spray liquid out of an object,(whether it be watering your grass, pumping gas, using a ketchup bottle, etc) and while you are doing it you let out a loud ejaculatory "Ahhh" sound in the process. Such behavior might be OK when you are in the comfort of your own home, but not when meeting a girlfriends parents for the first time. That was one interesting dinner.

5) Inappropriate Language: I have noticed that certain words are said strictly in porn flicks, and should never make their way into every day life. I made the costly mistake of letting these "porn" words infect my vocabulary and ruining relationship after relationship. Besides telling a woman that you once slept with Britney Spears, nothing will make her ran faster from you than calling your genitalia "Beef stick", "Rod", or the "Salami Enforcer" I don't know what it is but women don't really find those nicknames sexy, go figure.

6) Inappropriate Suggestions: It is always a good thing for couples to be creative in the bedroom, keeping the relationship exciting. But pornography can turn your once playful suggestions into something very deviant, pissing your girlfriend off. Nothing will make your girlfriend leave you ass faster than saying the following: "You know what baby, why don't try adding some spice to the bedroom? You know, a puertorican girl, a midget named Inga, and a couple of chicks in cheerleader uniforms yelling my name in the background. What do you say?" Guys, learn from my mistakes.

7) Ebert and Roeper: Pornography, because of the pure intent of it, wasn't supposed to have a dazzling look or a intricate plot. I realized that I was sucked it when I said the following: 1)"Man, who wrote this Garbage, the dialogue is so unbelievable!" 2)"The could have gotten another actress to play the "masseuse", someone who could bring more to that role." 3)"How does "Maria" have a Spanish accent at first, but during the sex scenes she suddenly has an American accent? The Director should of caught that!" 4:"Not only is the lighting all off but you can see the boom Mic, what a rip off"

8) In order: This is short but, you know it is a bad sign if your pornography collection is so vast that you have to alphabetize them.

9) New Identity: I found that women don't really appreciate it when you asked them to address you by your new porn name. I went through a phase where I wanted to be called names like "Brock Rockwell" or "Chest Sherluck", which didn't go over too well with the little lady. Maintain your own identity!

10) What are you looking at?: I once had a girlfriend who had aspirations to become a porn star, no kidding. It would freak me out when she would look, pose, and talk to an imaginary camera whenever we made love. I always found that to be rather odd, until my porn addiction took over and I started doing the same thing. Nothing will make your lover leave faster than thinking that you are talking and looking at imaginary people while in bed. If I had a dime for everytime a woman left my bed screaming "You crazy motherfucker!" I would be a rich man

*I'm Bullshitting yall, I'm nowhere near rehabilitated*

30 comments:

Gunner Kaufman said...

hmmmmm, Might as well start now.
My name is Gunner Kaufman, and i am an addict.

Anonymous said...

Ok, you have problems..lol

I am Jack said...

The ladies are really going to love this post.(Sarcasm). But I love it! Not to nitpick, but could you start posting before 10:00, having your fans waiting and shit..lol

Amadeo said...

I know some people I need to show this to...of course it doesn't apply to me...not in the least. Those were french films, okay.

muffin said...

LMAO great post!

Jdid said...

can we hear more about the interesting dinner, lol

the epic said...

Even though you are just playing around in this post, people really do have issues with porn that break up relationships. Not to be a downer or anything.

Davey said...

LOL Funny as hell! How do you come up with this stuff man.. Great post.

kev fan said...

My ex-girlfriend found my porn stash but she thought it was her brother's who was staying with us at the time. She started to destroy it and I saved the day by saying that her brother paid good money for those dvd's..lol

Brother OMi said...

man i thought i was bad. what a relief...

Ebony Ayes is the shiznit !

liberal lady said...

LMFAO! I had to get rid of all my husbands porn, it was the nastiest shit ever.

coley said...

Yah we all know that you're still a damn addict! You had me dying @
"nothing will make her ran faster from you than calling your genitalia "Beef stick", "Rod", or the "Salami Enforcer".....Please tell me you didn't call it that in front of a female? I know I would run! U got mad issues :), but at least you are on the right track...First step is admitting it right?!
And I need you to follow up on that dinner story please!!!

DaKelzz said...

Great Story!!

Breez said...

Completely hilarious!

kalenamango said...

i quite like "salami enforcer." has a nice ring to it. :)

jayjay said...

lol. thnx for stepping by...and now, looking at your blog I am happy you did cuz even I think it s funny but thats probably only because I have never watched a full length porn movies so far. My sis adivsed me to do so to learn how to better fake orgasms (lol) but in fact the f***** video store where my friend and i then went borrowed movies only to people from the district and we wound up watching Dogville...haha
hehe. that was crazy shit though...to be honest, when I have sex I think that there is a whole porn film running in my head just to make it all more exciting and intense - and working (so i don't have to fake it;-).
but i guess you knew that. women have their FANTASY we don't need to WATCH porns to get there!!!!do we???

piranha said...

hey thats been great fun!!!! lol
what about addictions to , lets say, masturbation? is probably more wide spread. but also less suspected to be an addiction in the end....
but it d be really interesting to reveal some of the womens secrets one day in that respect, cuz whereever i come across it, women just go like 'huh, masturbation? never!' lalala
hahaha

JEW said...

I'd never get rid of my boyfriend's porn... it's... it's educational.

Yeah... that's it.

I like your blog. Very educational.

Goldi said...

In addition, when the Pizza Guy or Deli Pub Guy delivers your food you:
A. If he has locs imagine he is Byron Long; or
B. If he is bald with a baseball cap you think he's Mr. Marcus.

Ooops! I've said too much and must order dinner!

greggy said...

liberal lady said...
"I had to get rid of all my husbands porn, it was the nastiest shit ever." LOL

Back in my early adulthood years I stumbled upon a cousins vast collection of what would be considered soft-porn girlie mags now-a-days. He must have had 200-300 magazines and movies... I was impressed!!! LMAO!

Some of the stuff they put out now is so nasty it can't even be described as porn...

gonebabygone said...

I never was offended by the porn stash. I found it and my husband thought I was going to freak and I said "Why are you hiding these? I don't give a shit." Really, I don't feel threatened by and airbrushed chick named Muffy Von Snatch.

Sankofa said...

I am not laughing! OK, yes I am.

Chris said...

Hilarious!!..lol

Toya said...

"a midget named Inga"

LMAOOO wtf?!?!

Danja said...

My addiction to porn used to baffle me until I realized that most of my friends and the men i date are equally as obssessed with porn as I am.

I have a vast collection. I dont hide it, dont need to. People know I love porn. My friends came over and saw my DVD cases and came face to face with the fact that I have no shame in my porn game.

Porn is great. Simply put, I love wathcing people fuck. This is one woman around whom a man does not have to hide his porn stash. Id be pissed if he did.

Danja said...

p.s. cherokee needs to sit her ass on my face just ONE time... whew.... talk about a possible wedding gift??!!

akshun said...

the sofa cushion had me dyin... i use a combonation briefcase. (since we name droppin') Tatiyana has more back than a humpback whale..

Beloved said...

Can you add a part about when you don't necessarily have a "porn collection", but your Dish Network bill is astronomical because you order hella porn movies each month, but still don't want to admit to yourself that you have an addiction so you never just order the damn channels?
bowing head in shame

T. Ball said...

If you actually attend any awards ceremony or conventions like AVN..that should automatically qualify you for addiction...mattter of fact if you know what AVN is, that should do it right there.

private vibrators said...

one more warning sign: your computer is full of .jpg and .avi of girls. :-)