Warning signs: You may have a porn addiction!

Like all addicts you never think you have a problem, addiction was always a problem that "other people" had. It either takes a "moment of clarity" to either see what you are doing to yourself, or friends and loved ones who are tired of your porn addiction coming together and confronting you in a intervention style. Well, people in my life came together and let me clearly see that I had a problem, and now I see the error in my ways. Fully rehabilitated, I feel that I can help some of you dealing with the same sickness that almost ruined my life. Because I care for all of you, I outlined a helpful guide pointing out the warning signs so you can identify the symptoms, hopefully helping someone before its too late.

1) Having "Bat Cave" Hiding places: Most men who live with a woman know that if you want to keep your porn around that you better have a hiding place for it or it will cease to exist, that's a given. Well, when I was living with someone I used to have the most elaborate hiding places that I would damn near have to draw up a treasure map to get to it, because I would probably forget if I didn't. We used to live in an apartment, so the hiding places were getting out of hand when I started hiding pornography in the foam of our sofa cushion. I had a problem man. I remember when my ex broke up with me and I had to carry my ass, I guess I thought I called myself trying to get even with her because I revealed my top secret porn stashes. She gave me a bewildered look as to say, "That's nice pervert, get your ass out so the new guy I'm fucking can come over!."

2) Music: I'm not saying this was me, but you know that you have a problem with pornography if the only way you can maintain an erection during love making is if you play "70's style funk" porn music in the background. Not saying that was me or anything.

3) Too Much information: I found myself not only knowing most of the porn stars by their screen name, but their real names and their personal biography. Nothing is more creepy than saying the following: "You know that Chesty McBoob is a Virgo, she is from the great state of California, her per peeves are mean people and inequality, and she got a criminal law degree from UCLA!" Really, I shouldn't give a fuck about any of that shit!

4) Inappropriate Behavior: You know that porn addiction has taken over when you spray liquid out of an object,(whether it be watering your grass, pumping gas, using a ketchup bottle, etc) and while you are doing it you let out a loud ejaculatory "Ahhh" sound in the process. Such behavior might be OK when you are in the comfort of your own home, but not when meeting a girlfriends parents for the first time. That was one interesting dinner.

5) Inappropriate Language: I have noticed that certain words are said strictly in porn flicks, and should never make their way into every day life. I made the costly mistake of letting these "porn" words infect my vocabulary and ruining relationship after relationship. Besides telling a woman that you once slept with Britney Spears, nothing will make her ran faster from you than calling your genitalia "Beef stick", "Rod", or the "Salami Enforcer" I don't know what it is but women don't really find those nicknames sexy, go figure.

6) Inappropriate Suggestions: It is always a good thing for couples to be creative in the bedroom, keeping the relationship exciting. But pornography can turn your once playful suggestions into something very deviant, pissing your girlfriend off. Nothing will make your girlfriend leave you ass faster than saying the following: "You know what baby, why don't try adding some spice to the bedroom? You know, a puertorican girl, a midget named Inga, and a couple of chicks in cheerleader uniforms yelling my name in the background. What do you say?" Guys, learn from my mistakes.

7) Ebert and Roeper: Pornography, because of the pure intent of it, wasn't supposed to have a dazzling look or a intricate plot. I realized that I was sucked it when I said the following: 1)"Man, who wrote this Garbage, the dialogue is so unbelievable!" 2)"The could have gotten another actress to play the "masseuse", someone who could bring more to that role." 3)"How does "Maria" have a Spanish accent at first, but during the sex scenes she suddenly has an American accent? The Director should of caught that!" 4:"Not only is the lighting all off but you can see the boom Mic, what a rip off"

8) In order: This is short but, you know it is a bad sign if your pornography collection is so vast that you have to alphabetize them.

9) New Identity: I found that women don't really appreciate it when you asked them to address you by your new porn name. I went through a phase where I wanted to be called names like "Brock Rockwell" or "Chest Sherluck", which didn't go over too well with the little lady. Maintain your own identity!

10) What are you looking at?: I once had a girlfriend who had aspirations to become a porn star, no kidding. It would freak me out when she would look, pose, and talk to an imaginary camera whenever we made love. I always found that to be rather odd, until my porn addiction took over and I started doing the same thing. Nothing will make your lover leave faster than thinking that you are talking and looking at imaginary people while in bed. If I had a dime for everytime a woman left my bed screaming "You crazy motherfucker!" I would be a rich man

*I'm Bullshitting yall, I'm nowhere near rehabilitated*