Monday, May 23, 2005

Showing someone the business end of my fist..

I had the weirdest conversation with a childhood friend named Trevor yesterday. Trevor is the epitome of lost potential, because dude is a genius but somehow has turned himself into a career criminal. You know how Malcolm X said that some of the best minds in the world are out there, but some people never realize their potential? Well that is Trevor. Anyway, Trevor is about to do a 1 year prison stint for some random crime, so he came over to talk to me I guess. When he came over we talked about old times, his upcoming prison sentence, politics, and the list that he had brought with him. The list he had in his possession was, as he described it, people he "Wanted to beat up" before he went to prison. I tried to dissuade him from beating anyone up before his prison time but he was dead set on his goal. That encounter with Trevor inspired the following post. I know I'm 31, and I shouldn't be fighting anyone, but here are a few individuals who I wouldn't mind showing the business end of my fist.

Bartenders boyfriend: I went to my neighborhood bar a few months back where I witnessed a fight between the bouncer at the time(a black guy named Dave) and the boyfriend of the bartender.(a guy named Greg) Around 2:00 Dave did the right thing and asked the customers to give up their drinks, but Greg and his boys gave Dave some shit, and I even think they told him to "fuck off". Granted, Dave should have acted with more restraint but that didn't stop him from punching the shit out of Greg and two of his partners. Greg tried to square up and fight Dave but he was no match as Dave tattooed his face with a shitload of jabs. As Greg and his boys left said establishment, more "niggers" came out of the mouth than a gangsta rap album. A week after that, since Greg knows I was there when those racial slurs came out of his mouth, he made it his business to explain himself. I started to hear him out, but when I realized that I was giving him the chance to explain his usage of the word "nigger" I basically waived him off. I guess he feels disrespected, because he has been giving me dirty looks and talking shit about me to certain people. I'm surprised that I haven't kicked his ass yet, but my friendship with his girlfriend is the only thing saving his ass. This past Saturday I saw him again and he said some smart shit to me where I gave him the standard "We could always handle this outside" comment. I warned his girlfriend that Greg was about to catch a bad one and she begged me not to do anything. All that being said, I really want to kick his ass.

Toby Keith: I will admit that I am not a country and Western fan, but I respect the art-form and the artist who put their heart and soul in it. It is artists like Toby Keith that make his genre a literal laughing stock. It doesn't matter to me that he is one of the most popular artists, his music is sickening with all the Pro Bush pandering. All the faux patriotism that is promoted in his songs is simply vomit inducing. When the war started he had a song entitled "Boot in your ass" talking about the Iraqi people and what we should do to them. Great Toby, endorse the killing of thousands of innocent people, nice! Also, he had a feud with the Dixie Chicks simply because they showed displeasure for our current president of the United States. I don't know, but hearing his corny ass songs flooded with jingoism and faux patriotism makes me want to beat his ass in the worst way.

A fucking Bum: In no way am I bitter about a past relationship, and the way it ended. I am even cordial with that particular ex, so there are no ill feelings there. But there is one thing that I can't let go and that is disrespect. See, I actually met the guy that she left me for a week before our breakup. When she had returned from Baltimore with some guys that I knew were her friends, a new guy named Alpha came along for the ride. This dude was in the apartment that me and her shared, we shook hands, we laughed and joked, you name it. Well, this guy would be the man that my ex would leave me for. Here is the problem that I have: This motherfucker knew that he and my lady had something going on and still had the audacity to enter my home and smile in my face? I know this incident happened a few years ago, and I should have the same contempt for my ex girlfriend, but for some reason I can't let that shit go. To this day, if I was to see that panhandler by the name of Alpha, I would beat him within a inch of his life for the disrespect he showed me. I know its silly and downright immature, but some people just need to get their ass kicked.

Chris Tucker: OK, i really don't want to beat him up. But I have to ask, does he only do "Rush Hour" movies?? I mean, I know you get 20 million each time you do one of those movies and that's great, but have you ever thought about taking another role? But then again he is rich as fuck and I am a 31 year old undersexed blogger, what the fuck do I know?

Shaquille O'Neal: Disclaimer(I am a Kobe Bryant fan) We have gone through about a 2 year period of constant Kobe hatred and I would argue that for some reason he is one of the most vilified figures in sports. Finding a positive story on Bryant is as hard as finding a black republican with a legitimate point of view. Whatever your feelings on Bryant, or his actions, your argument might be legitimate. The problem that I have is with Shaq and his constant bitching about Kobe and the Lakers. For someone who claims that he doesn't think about Kobe all that much, his ass sure does talk about him as much as he can. Shaq reminds me of a scarred lover, who keeps stalking you and driving by your house, its over motherfucker! Shaq is in a better place now and his team is in the playoffs while Kobe is watching the playoffs on TV. Shaq is talked about positively in the press while Kobe is the second coming to O.J when it comes to media coverage. It is my opinion that kicking someone when they are down is just pure cowardice, some would even say a "bitch move". I would like to beat Shaq's ass for his constant bitching but he could probably take me.

Bill O'Reilly: This guy personifies the word "douchebag" in every single way. Besides his show being filled with misinformation, he tries to convince his viewers that he is a "independent" even though his targets include the ACLU, Jesse Jackson, Hip Hop, Bill Clinton, and George Soros.(all right wing targets) Not only will he selectively edit his show to make him have the advantage during a debate, but he will attempt to bully people by yelling and finger pointing. He hasn't attacked Ludacris lately, but that's probably because of the sexual harrassment allegations against him concerning one of his employees. I would pay good money to be able to fight this jackass for at least five minutes.(Its my experience that bully's go down the quickest)

22 comments:

Breez said...

LOL, good list. Never thought about that Chris Tucker/Rush Hour thing until you mentioned it.

muffin said...

your boi trevor is special!

Joey said...

Yeah, what is the program with Tucker? What path is he following?

Nikki said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Nikki said...

Ugh, I can't stand Toby Keith. Not only because of his gung ho "I support Bush and we'll kick your ass" views, but because in my city, they play his damn Ford truck commercials 24/7. Those are the worst!!

Dawud said...

can't go with you on the Kobe thing, i think Nas broke him down best...Kobe is cry baby punk who i wished Shaq had kicked his ass on national TV during the finals when he wouldn't pass the ball...

sherry said...

LMAO.. I can't stand Bill O'Reilly either.

I am Jack said...

What is up with Chris Tucker anyways?? I agree with you on the Kobe thing, Shaq is a bitch-made jackass with the personality of a bowel movement. He looks like a 7 foot milk dud, get off of Kobe's nuts already!

gonebabygone said...

I was watching either Leno or Conan the other night and saw some crazy country band that was like a rap/country hybrid. It freaked me out but it was so contrived that I thought "man, HC would have a field day with this shit."

Coffey0072 said...

Toby, Kobi, Shaq, Bill...
I hate them all, and I'd probably give a swift kick to the ribs to punctuate the beat downs.

Brother OMi said...

Man, i would love to hand out beatdowns with you too man. lord knows the folks you mentioned deserved it.

Jdid said...

Toby keith vs dixie chicks? I didnt know country and western artists had beef.

Sankofa said...

LOL @ Jdid...
OK, I know, Shaq just can't seem to let go of the Kobe thang...but I just can't stay mad at that 7' of chocolate man love...

But the rest of them...hell yeah. As long as we get to kick Lil Kim's ass too...she irks me.

NeenaLove said...

i am right behind you... when you go after o'reilly!! fa real!

SP said...

I agree with you on the Shaq thing. I have been a Laker fan for life. My mother raised her daughters to love sports and the Lakers in particular. I will hear no bad words about them!

About the bartender's boyfriend, I take it he's not black? Here's my question for you, if he were, would you be less likely to want to kick his ass?

Mariposa said...

I saw an episode of The First Amendment Project on Sundance yesterday wherein Al Franken talked about how Fox News, headed up by O'Rielly, tried to sue Franken for defamation for, among other things, putting O'Reilly's picture next to the word "Liar" on the cover of Franken's book. The lawyer for Fox News also tried to say that Franken had plagiarized the subtitle of his book, which said something akin to "we present the facts in a fair and unbiased way". Apparently that is Fox News' motto. I'm totally serious. I kid you not!

kozmic_cocoa said...

I totally agree with you on kicking Toby Keith's and Bill O'Reilly's ass. I would also like to kick Tom DeLay's evil ass and Vicente Fox's racist ass. Finally, I'd like to put my foot up Dave Chapelle's narrow ass for "cracking" and I do mean "crack"ing up!

P.S. Nice use of the word "jingoism". I love that word! I could kiss you.

Amadeo said...

Good List, I'm not a Kobe fan but out of concern for you...Don't fight Shaq son. If you're quick you can get some blows in but the first one of his that connects.

Mahogany Elle said...

H.C. we're on the same wavelength most of the time but as a fan of the *cough* real Lakers (Magic's team LOL), I have to dissent on your take on Shaq. I think Shaq goes to great lengths to avoid making commentary about Fro-be, but that's all reporters ask him about: ("Do you feel vindicated, Shaq? Have you called Kobe to say kiss my natural black tail, Shaq? Are you polishing your ring case to potentially include another?) It's like, what do you expect him to do, when they're constantly throwing that in his face. I think he's handled the situation with much class. He doesn't take pot shots at all, as Kobe would do in a similar situation, but that's just me. That said, love your wanting to fight Bill O' Reilly. Please do it...soon LOL

kev fan said...

Great post man. Bill O'Reilly needs his ass whipped in the first place. I absolutely agree with you on the Shaq thing, he is a bitch. How about when he talked backhanded comments like "I am with Dwayne Wade know, a player with real class!" Shaq's an asshole, or when he RECENTLY said that their were times that he wanted to physically assault Kobe. He definitely has his lips resting gently on Kobe's mansack. He is a whining malcontent, big ass baby.

Maya's Brother said...

"I would like to beat Shaq's ass for his constant bitching but he could probably take me."

LOL- just a wee bit of hubris, eh?

littleboxes said...

We hate Toby Keith.
We used to not hate Kobe but after he sold Shaq out to the cops with his whole "Shaq pays women all the time" thing, it really lowered our opinion of him. However, 40% our staff still thinks he's a damn fine basketball and a damn fine individual. 90% of the staff think he's just a damn fine basketball player.