Wednesday, May 18, 2005

I'm HumanityCritic and I just got Cockblock'd!

*Cockblock: 1.The act of obstructing one person's advances towards another. 2.A situation that obstructs; an obstacle 3.An act of ill etiquette in which a male is speaking to one female in a group of females, and the alpha female creates a disruptive environment.

We have all been victim to it, whether you are a man or a woman, someone putting the proverbial "salt in your game" when it comes to hooking up with somebody. The term describing the actions of this individual is "cockblock", and the following are true accounts of how people have cockblocked me in the past. The fiction part of this post is the emergence of Ashton Kutcher, and how he turns my experiences into an episode of "Cockblock'd", a spinoff of his already popular MTV show.

(An Episode of "Cockblock'd" begins with Ashton Kutcher looking directly into the camera with his usual introduction)

Ashton Kutcher: Today on "Cockblock'd" we have the HumanityCritic. Many of you might know him from his blog, where he talks continuous shit, and has a nasty habit of throatchopping people he disagrees with. Well, today we are going to "cockblock" him on several occasions. This should be fun, hee-hee.

Waitress: I used to go to this trendy ass bar on the beach a while back. The waitress, Marie, would flirt with me but it was hard to tell if she was digging me or just fishing for tips. I haven't really been the best when it comes to "getting hints", but I figured her telling me that she wanted to feel my dreadlocks "rub up against her breasts" was a definite greenlight. That same night, a bartender that I am cool with named Pat came over to talk to me. He informed me that Marie was a huge freak and she was "fucking everybody". He even implied that she had given a few dudes venereal diseases and to watch out. I figured that I knew Pat and that he wouldn't bullshit me. Right? Wrong! A couple of weeks passed by and I like called her once. I want to say that my laziness was the reason that I didn't try to talk to her more, but the more I think about it Pat's words were influential. I go to that same bar and Pat and Marie are hugged the fuck up, swapping spit and whatnot. That motherfucker had blatantly lied to me in order to get with her. When I saw him he playfully hit me in the arm saying, "Whats shaking HumanityCritic?" I returned the favor by hitting him hard as fuck in the arm, making him buckle over, saying "Not much, I thought Marie had the plague and shit?".

(Ashton Kutcher comes out from the backroom of the club, taking off his headphones. He runs out with the camera crew to confront HumanityCritic)

Ashton Kutcher: HumanityCritic, you have just been "cockblock'd", hee-hee

(Kutcher goes to hug HC, but HumanityCritic shrugs Kutcher off of him)

HumanityCritic: (grilling Kutcher) Get your bitch ass off of me!! (Grabbing camera lenses) Get these camera's off me, this shit is embarrassing!

Waitress #2: I know, me and waitresses. I guess I have a thing for women who bring me drinks whenever I ask.(Just playing ladies, sort of) The pool-hall that me and my boy Danny go to had this cute waitress named Susan. Susan was a Cuban girl who had a body that I would give a kidney for, and she would always talk dirty to me which was a absolute plus. The other waitress that I know there is cool and she goes by the name of Rebbecca. Rebbecca warned me about Susan by saying the following: "Critic, you don't want any parts of that! She is really loose, and she sleeps with a guy as soon as she can. All she does is give head, and she is a absolute sex fanatic!" By the growth in my pants you could tell that she didn't have a convincing argument dissuading me against getting with Susan. I told Rebbecca, "You say all that like its a bad thing? I like her even more now, nice job!" (Ladies, if you want to stop your male friends from messing with a certain female, don't go on and on about how much of a whore she is, that tactic doesn't work!)The funny thing was after that conversation Susan didn't come back to talk to me, not only that, the few times after that when I went into said establishment Susan hardly said three word to me. What the fuck happened?? I finally learned from Susan, after she got a god-damned boyfriend no less, that Rebbecca had told her that I was engaged to get married, I guess to "protect me". Fuck!

(Ashton Kutcher comes from the back of the pool-hall with his camera crew. Camera-lights flash in HumanityCritic's face as Kutcher says..)

Ashton Kutcher: HumanityCritic, You have been "Cockblock'd!".Hee-hee

HumanityCritic: Not again, you better not touch me motherfucker!!

The Lawyer: I have a friend named Jeff who is a defense Lawyer. He invited me to a function that his law firm was holding, and he informed me that a co-worker named Jennifer that he liked would be in attendance. I guess Jennifer had no idea that Jeff liked her because her ass was talking to me all night, as much as I tried to abandon her and spare my friend's feelings. Jeff apparently saw how much she liked me so he suggested that I try to get with her. I told him that I knew how he felt about her and that I would never do that to a friend. He insisted that he was cool with it and his ass even wished me luck. "OK", I thought, so I got the number from Jennifer and we talked about two times, having pretty good conversations. All of a sudden she was "missing in action", wouldn't return my calls, I thought something had happened to her. Weeks later I see her at a jazz club, and before I could even question her about her recent whereabouts, she is introducing me to all of her "guy friends". Not only that I find it rather disturbing that she keeps calling me "girlfriend" during our brief conversations that night. After a while I get to asking her about why she hadn't returned my calls. She said the following: "Jeff told me everything, and nothing is wrong with you being gay. I just didn't want to be having sex with a DL brother that's all. I have love for you though." That motherfucker Jeff had told her that I was gay!! I tried to explain to Jennifer that I was 100% straight and that Jeff had lied in order to cockblock me. I guess I sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher(Whah-Whah-Whah) to her because all she said was "Yeah, uh-huh, right" Wait until I see Jeff.

(Ashton Kutcher comes out of nowhere sporting his trademark trucker cap, with his camera crew right behind him)

Ashton Kutcher: HumanityCritic, you have just been cockblock'd!! Hee-hee

HumanityCritic: You know what, I'm not only getting tired of your ass intruding on my life, but my blog. I'm warning you..

Ashton Kutcher: Dude chill, you are a single 31 year old unmarried jackass without any kids or a wife, your black ass could use some excitement in your life!

(HumanityCritic sticks up his middle finger while walking out of the door)

HumanityCritic: Fuck you!

Earthy Sista: I was at this ghetto ass club only because my friends were performing there that night and I was there to support. It was going to be a while before they performed so I sat at the bar to have a few drinks. This beautiful sister named Renee began talking to me and we hit it off immediately. She was on some ole "love thy neighbor, Gandhi, Lauryn Hill" shit and that was OK with me. She went on and on about how she detests thugs and how ignorant their behavior is. I agree with that, most of those assholes are pussies anyway and I'm not a thug, so I felt my chances with her were pretty good. I felt good about the direction of our conversation, until some drunk asshole began harassing us. He was making comments about Renee's ass, and he asked her why she was talking to me since he was the only "real man" there that night. Every time I started to do something about it Renee would grab my arm and say something like "resist the negativity brother." The harassment continued for about 15 more minutes as I stood there and took what this asshole had to dish out. Renee was beautiful and truly a deep thinker, but how much can a brother take? When Renee got up to go to the bathroom, and as soon as she turned the corner, I hit that drunken asshole as hard as I could in the chest with the backside of my left fist, I tried to cave that chest in. When Renee came back all she saw was me sitting at the bar, alongside that drunken idiot as he rolled around on the floor holding his chest. She asked me "What happened??, and before I could finish she grabbed her purse and said, "That's what I'm talking about, fucking thugs!". She hightailed it out of there as my visions of taking off her head-wrap and sarong vanished within thin air.

(Ashton Kutcher comes back again, with his camera crew..)

Ashton Kutcher: HumanityCritic, you have just been..

(Before he can finish, HumanityCritic knocks Kutcher the fuck out with a roundhouse punch)

*POW*

HumanityCritic: Shut your ass up! (Going through Kutcher's pockets) Let me take some of the "Dude Where's My Car" money motherfucker!! (Looking into the camera) Yall getting this?? Ashton Kutcher, you just got your wack movie making ass "knock'd" the fuck out!!..hee-hee

*Definition as described on UrbanDictionary.com

23 comments:

Amadeo said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Amadeo said...

I remember in school this dude ruined me by asking if I thought this girl looked good and if I would holla, I said yes and 15 minutes later I hear this motherfucker telling her how I got a crush on her and shit. Ass. As far as "Renee" sometimes you have to tell people to leave you alone, when words go understood the universal translator is a good punch.

Belle said...

hahahah...
"resist the negativity brother."
She didn't know tshe was talking to the Master of the Throat Chop.

Gunner Kaufman said...

If im cockblock'd...i never look back on it...if it was that much trouble to someone else...i dont want to deal with it...drama flavored and i havent even had any yet?...no way....

Danja said...

LOL ok im done... I cant fuck with you anymore

Justine said...

Loving the post, Thanks for stopping by.

Nikki said...

Dag, I was rootin' for you to get with Renee and she hightailed it out of there.

Ms. Blaize said...

Oh man! That reminds me of a time when, I, Jaine Blaize, got Pu$$y -fethered (the opposite of cockblocked) by my own ex-boyfriend. Just as we were breaking up, he knew that this other guy in our dorm liked me but just didn't make a move because he and I were together. So as soon as he realized that I was out the door, my ex suddenly began befriending dude - HARD!! Telling him how much he loved me, needed me, saw me as his soul mate and would absolutely die without me!! Then he took said dude home with him during break and by the time the guy got back, he wouldn't even look me directly in the eye! The next day, he ended up getting with this other chick that had been following him around for the whole semester! Of course, I didn't know why he had a change of heart until a year later but still - that's just jacked up! I had to wait a whole year just to "get it"! So I feel your pain!!! For real!

Luke Cage said...

"my visions of taking off her head-wrap and sarong vanished within thin air" -damn man. That was friggin' poetic-lol

gonebabygone said...

hehehe....If I was that chick I would have let you hit him right away and I'm not a violent person. That shit pisses me off.

You crack me up!

Anonymous said...

You don't have any sense, simply hilarious.

I am Jack said...

I'm not going to lie to you, if I was you I would have beat "Jeff's" ass! LOL

Brother OMi said...

lol
"my visions of taking off her head-wrap and sarong vanished within thin air"

classic...

i hate ashton kutcher...

Maya's Brother said...

42, nugga, 42.

Johnnydanger said...

My wife hipped me to this blog so I had to check you out. I am pleased to know thast you are funny as fuck because i began to think that you and her had something going on..lol dope blog

Jdid said...

"She went on and on about how she detests thugs and how ignorant their behavior is. I agree with that, most of those assholes are pussies anyway"

lol thats classic.

G. Cornelius Harris said...

No sense at all...I'l keep you posted

a beer sort of girl said...

Hilarious! Much love for the thug in you. Not that you're a thug. You're just not one to resist the negativity of morons for very long.

kev fan said...

You are such a great writer, you have me spiiling my drink over here.

Anonymous said...

I can't stand a cockblock, or that asshole Ashton Kutcher!

Blazin said...

I like the concept, along with the stories. Great, Great stories.

coley said...

U are a damn fool! I'm LMAO at you!!!! I hate cock blockers!!! :):)

Anonymous said...

Cockblocking is great fun. After all, the next best fun to having sex yourself is interrupting others trying to get it.