Thursday, June 02, 2005

HumanityCritic's day in court..

(My time in court yesterday was the main reason why I didn't post about partying with porn stars a week back, but I'll do that tomorrow.)

About a couple of months ago, on a lonely Friday Night, I decided to go to this bullshit bar called "Ched's". "Ched's" is a wack bar that plays the most horrible music imaginable, but so many ladies go there I just show up for the eye candy. Anyway, I get there about 12:30 and have a few drinks. I chit chat with the bouncer, who I only know by name only because I want penetrate his girlfriend in the worst way. Damn she's fine!(focus/focus) Apparently the bouncer(Brian) had a few words with this guy and two of his female friends. It was basically over the fact that they wanted food but it was too late and they gave Brian a lot of shit because of it. Brian , I think, called the women bitches after they called him a few choice expletives.

Apparently, the man who accompanied the two ladies felt that his manhood was in jeopardy and decided to talk shit to Brian. Brian told the gentleman that he had to leave and began to escort him out. The reason I know all of this is because I followed them out, not to get involved, but because I was about to go to another bar down the street. As soon as the patron sets one foot outside the door her tries to hit Brian with a bottle, but misses, hits another guy in the head, and it ricochets against a pool table that I am standing next to. The next couple of minutes I felt no pity for the gentleman as he got his ass beat by Brian and the man he hit with the bottle. I have to tell you, watching someone get their ass beaten when they deserve it is pure poetry.

As soon as the gentlemen in question was getting Adidas and Nike logos forever tattooed into his hind-parts, the police pull up and the scuffle ends.

(Fast Forward to June 1, 2005)

Because I was a witness to the whole thing the cops subpoenaed me to be in court yesterday. I tell you what, reading is fundamental, because the past few months I thought that I would be a witness for Brian but when I actually read the subpoena I was a witness for the cops! I sat there and pondered my new role of being a snitch, but I quickly felt better when I thought of the Chuck D line when he said, "Every brother ain't a brother cause of color" and loudly said "Fuck him!"

Court started at 9:00, but because a judge got into an accident they combined two court schedules together, so Brian and I were there until 2:00. I must say though, along with Church and Weddings, court is a great place to meet women. Also, you find out some pretty interesting stuff sitting there listening to people's problems all day. For example, a beautiful woman was giving a guy head when the cop rolled up. When I heard her address I realized that she lived a block over from me, now that is some useful information if I want a miscellaneous "Mouthhug"!! Also this lovely Cuban woman was accused of beating up a co-worker at a nearby Latin restaurant and she still works there! Guess who will be going in there to get his eat on? Yep, you guessed it.

You also learn the bitter reality of how stupid people are. This woman had just gotten her 6th DUI and said to the Judge, "Sir, I have a drinking problem" Fuck, I didn't need a brain surgeon to figure that one out jackass. One of the cases a woman was going against the SPCA because originally she had brought her dog in there and said that her husband threw her canine against the wall. Now that she realizes that she got her husband in trouble she said, "My words are getting switched around. I did say "Throw" but not like they mean "throw"". How many ways can "throw" be interpreted?

OK, we are finally called but I noticed that the guy that charged the patron with the assault(bottle) isn't there. I realize that we don't have a chance in hell, so I am surprised that the judge went on in the first place. It was me(witness), the cop, and Brian against the patron, his girlfriend, his homegirl, and his momma. Yes, his momma, and this dude has to be around 30 years old. The cop gives his account of what happened, then I give mine, then the patron and his friends begin to systematically lie their fucking ass off. He was saying that he agreed to leave peacefully and that he never threw the bottle. I shook my head and the judge asked me, "Have you got something to say son?" I simply said, "This dude is lying that's all."

After that his mother showed the pictures of her son's wounds after the incident. Apparently he just graduated from college and his eyes were still bloody for his graduation picture. As she showed the pictures to the judge she looked at me and Brian the same way the parent of a murdered child looks at a serial killer. As she showed the picture of her son I shook my head, prompting the Judge to say, "Do you have something else to say son?" Knowing that this asshole was going to be found Not Guilty I said the following: "Your honor, pictures of a abused child after being harmed by their guardian are disturbing pictures. Pictures of a beaten woman after she has been assaulted by her husband are disturbing pictures. But pictures of a grown ass man that got his ass beat after provoking a fight are not disturbing. It was his fault he got the business end of a beatdown. I have to tell the court, if you play with fire you get burned, and as a adult he should have to deal with the consequences. But then again, the mere presence of his mother shows me that he is unable to do that."

People were actually laughing and clapping, I felt like a dread-locked Perry Mason and shit. The judge gave me a quick smirk which made me chuckle. But at the end of the day, because the main guy didn't show up, the judge dismissed it because of lack of evidence. Brian and i walked out after a long day hearing other peoples problems, I was ready to go home and relax. But I noticed that the "patron", his girlfriend, his homegirl, and his mother were laughing in our direction. They were kind of doing a court version of a victory lap, his punk ass was smiling like he was Nino Brown beating a drug rap. Brian wanted to let it go but I said "Fuck that" and approached the glowing foursome.

As I stood in front of them I looked at dude and said the following: "You were found Not Guilty and everything, but at the end of the day you publicly got your ass beat. Not only that, you got beat the fuck up in front of your girlfriend no less, how does that feel exactly?? Shit, she even has to lie to herself about what happened that night just to maintain a thread of respect for your bitch ass." I tap him on the arm and say, "Try not to have your mother fight your battles for you next time tough guy" and walk away. It was wrong but boy did that feel good.

23 comments:

Rhapsodi said...

WOW! You handled your B.I. in there! The other guy was a straight bitch...having his momma there! WTF??

Nikki said...

Look at you, handling up on thangs in court. Kevin Hill ain't got nothing on you, LOL!!

BLESSD1 said...

Man...isn't it always the stuff that you KNOW is wrong that feels the most gratifying! LOL! Awesome post man

Brother OMi said...

i can see the commercial for it now... "Humanity Critic: Home grown lawyer for the people -- bitchslapping heads on some high school ish"

ha hha
i would have done the SAME THING

gonebabygone said...

heh...I love court. It's so interesting. You get to see the real side of a person by how they handle themselves under pressure.

Amadeo said...

The truth is never wrong. Everytime I've had to go to court it's like a school reunion.

Luke Cage said...

"When I heard her address I realized that she lived a block over from me, now that is some useful information if I want a miscellaneous "Mouthhug"!! - Be mindful of your feelings my young padawan *lol

Hey HC, I was so hoping that he got his in court, but sometimes, just the "mental" things that you cannot get away from, like said beatdown in front of his girl, he'd have to have an "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" kind of procedure done to forget all of that. The parting shot was on time!

Jdid said...

forget this whats that about partying with porn stars

melette said...

Good Job, Perry!!!

This had me rolling.

Now that she realizes that she got her husband in trouble she said, "My words are getting switched around. I did say "Throw" but not like they mean "throw"". How many ways can "throw" be interpreted?

Beloved said...

"...as a adult he should have to deal with the consequences. But then again, the mere presence of his mother shows me that he is unable to do that."

I do believe that I officially love you! :-)

David Binkowski said...

Man, that was funny, but I'm a bit disappointed you didn't go with:

There are so many ammendments in the constitution of the United States of America, I can only choose one, I can only choose one. I plead the fif, I plead the fif. Five, one, two three, four, fif. Anything you say, fif. Go ahead and ask me a question if you fif. I got a secret document here that I think you need to see.

FIF!

Maya's Brother said...

What kinda court was this? Judge Ceephus' Ring of Justice? 'Tha' Peepuls Court'?

I'ma hire you as my lawyer, I got a trial coming up this summer- I forged my registration sticker on my car and caught a case.

(just a piece of advice- you gotta put some distance between your Tresvanty posts and your 'porn star throwdown' posts. If you don't, you are going to hurt your PPP index, nahmean?)

Cynthia said...

There is never a dull momement with you.

coley said...

Leave it to you HC to be the one to tell dude about himself... LMAO!!! I'm glad you did though! That is a waste of court time! I'm sure he felt like a big ass looser after you socked it to him!!! :) Do I even need to say it... Ah hell I'll say it again, Thanks for the laughs! :)

Breez said...

He's "grown" enough to start bar fights but needs his mama in court? Wow.

I'm with you, I don't think there really is an alternate definition for "throw".

Ola said...

You had me at dread-locked Perry Mason..*swoon* I'm with Beloved on this one, i also do believe that I officially love you!

You handled yourself well.

G! said...

really like Perry Mason. Look forward to read your tommorrow's post.... Cheers

G. Cornelius Harris said...

Keepin' it live...I'lll keep you posted

Nia said...

LMAO..Oh my gosh you are a mess.

atma brother #1 said...

Hahahaha, but the real question is- Did you get paid?

kozmic_cocoa said...

Oh my God! I fucking love you!

**FIRE** said...

O M G!

Kayla said...

YOU GO BOY!!! That's what I'm talking about!