Monday, June 27, 2005

HumanityCritic's Summer Cookout Tips

Every summer, I attend the random cookout where people simply don't follow the rules. People's main perception about one of these outdoor festivities would suggest that there aren't any rules, but they would be wrong, dead wrong. Here are some do's and don'ts concerning the beloved "Cookout".

1.Bring something you Savage! When I was a kid my father would regularly cookout and invite many of his friends. I would notice that 80% of the people who came through never brought anything. Not only did they not bring anything, but they would leave with two or three plates stacked with food. My father was oblivious to it, but I would always embarrass the people trying to take a shitload of food by saying, "Damn, take some food why don't you!" I think that a person should at least take a six pack of beer, you can't go wrong there. Also, I think that taking food home with you is only OK if the host of the cookout suggests it.

2. Drink in moderation: Like most people know, a cookout can last all day. Because of this, it would be smart to pace yourself when you first get to a cookout so that you won't embarrass yourself. This one time I got downright shitfaced where I punched a guy who had disrespected one of the ladies who was in attendance. When I punched him he fell over the grill where hotdogs and hamburgers went everywhere, and the hosts yard briefly caught on fire. Come to think about it, I might of punched him if I was sober.

3.Monitor the cook: I couldn't tell you how many times I have gone to a cookout and the cook was absolute horseshit. My friend Danny, who is a dear friend of mine, is the worst cooke known to man. For one thing, he severely under-cooks burgers to the point that they basically looked the same way they do in the supermarket. One time I grabbed one of his burgers, started to take a bite, but I decided to tear the mat in half. As I opened it it was red as a tomato. I turned to Danny and said, "Shit man, this burger is still grazing and mooing, I've heard of rare but this shit is ridiculous!" It is very important to trust the cook when going to a cookout.

4.Watch your conversation: Because you are in close proximity when you are at a cookout, everything you say will be overheard so be mindful of that. I had went to a Me'shell Ndegeocello concert around that time so I was telling a friend about it. Being that she is famously bi-sexual, the person who I was talking to asked me if there were a lot of lesbians in attendance. I didn't figure what I was about to say was homophobic, but I said that there were "more lesbians there than a WNBA All-Star game." A woman who was at the cookout quickly came up to me and informed me that not only was she in the WNBA, but she didn't appreciate my comments.

5.Germs, germs, and more germs: I have known to be a germaphobe, well, a sporadic one at best. For example, beware of things like potato chips in a bowl that is there for the entire cookout to snack on. Seems harmless right? Wrong. This one time I had actually seen a guy dig in his ass, dig in his nose, then proceed in taking a handful of potato chips. My black ass wasn't having chips that day, that's why when I have a function I provide individual bags of chips for people.

6. Pace yourself, romantically: This goes for males and females, don't attach yourself to the first pretty face you see. This one time I was talking to the first pretty face that gave me the time of day which turned out to be a big mistake. I was stuck in a conversation with her when a even prettier woman had walked in who was also giving me the "eye" as she wondered around the cookout. I tried to get out of the conversation I was involved in, but the woman did not get the hint. I tried to get up and walk around but her silly ass followed me like a housepet. It got to the point where I had to get old school on her and simply say, "Beat it! Scram!" It all turned out horribly when I quickly discovered that the pretty woman who had just entered the cookout was the roommate of the woman I was originally talking to.

7.Take it Easy: Just like a barbershop, you will hear the most asinine conversations in the world at a cookout. The key is to take everything with a grain of salt because the idiocy spewed there could drive you to homicidal acts. This one year I was attending a cookout where this guy was spouting some straight up crazy shit, political ideologies, and other random bullshit. He was pissing off the people at the cookout but because he was speaking so aggressively I think that people simply didn't want to get involved. I finally said, "Why don't you shut your ass up?" He quickly came over to me, got into a karate pose, and told me "I've been taking martial arts for 15 years, I will whup you boy!" I put down my burger, reached over, and grabbed a chair and hit him with it. As I kicked him while he was on the ground I thought about that James Brown line about someone knowing "Karate" but him knowing "Ca-razy". I can sometimes be crazy.

22 comments:

Amadeo said...

Son, you not only know Ca-razy, but it appears that you will use it.

Jdid said...

lol, so basically you set the hosts yard on fire,

kozmic_cocoa said...

You forgot the rules about playing spades and dominoes when you are at a cookout.

DO NOT ENGAGE IN SHIT TALKING UNLESS YOU KNOW THE PEOPLE AT THE CARD TABLE WELL.

DO NOT CONTINUE TO PLAY WITH DRUNKS WHO ARE SORE LOSERS.

PLEASE REFRAIN FROM USING "MADE UP" TERMINOLOGY AT THE DOMINO TABLE. EVERYONE IS NOT USED TO THE TERMS. Everyone knows what it means when you have to "knock" but for goodness sake, I was playing dominoes in college with some friends in the dorm. One of the guys stood up and said "She Wiggles"! It took me a couple of minutes to realize he scored 15 pts.

CaffeineDiva said...

Crazy is an understatement when describing your black ass!
For the record, Rule #1 is the most important, it would be rule 1-3 for me.
good post Ca-razy!

Nikki said...

Um you forgot one.........Don't just eat anyone's potato salad. Looks can be deceiving. Ask who made it first. You may have just fixed yourself a heaping helping of potato salad, only to find out that Mary the lady with the 40 cats in her house was the one who made it.

SP said...

You are so crazy!

Cynthia said...

HC, Are you really this violent?

piranha said...

thanks now i feel so much prepared :)

mai said...

I just have to break this down, since you got this on point, once again:

1. Oh, hell, yeah. That's why I don't do cookouts any more - greedy asses...
2. I don't do that, so I feel that comment a lot, since I'm sober when I have to deal with those who do.
3. Eewww...
4. It must have been really hard to pull your foot out back out after that...
5. LOL!! I think I know that cat from somewhere!
6. I repeat: you freak. ^_^
7. LOL! That may have been a bit much, but he had something coming to him, now didn't he?

Maya's Brother said...

I'm sorry bruh, but um I'm vegan, so I need you to cook a veggie burger for me.

dParker2.0 said...

Very important rule:

If you arrive late, be sure to find out who prepared what.

And if you don't see the cook eating any of the food they prepared, don't eat it!

Also:

If you're providing liquor, don't provide metal eating utensils...

GC (God's Child) said...

just passin thru--about the potato salad--maybe stay away from it and the coleslaw period. That stuff can get you sick if it's been out too long.

Brother OMi said...

also:

1. wear deodorant and take a bath before you arrive
2. drink plenty of water
3. don't bring sand to the beach
4. drink only one or two beers
5. bring a camera/video camera

coley said...

Wassup HC... You're on point as usual! UMMM I just hosted a BBQ at my house on Saturday, and am proud to say I didn't violate any of your rules! LOL!!!

later Ca-razy!

I wanna meet you some day and determine if you're really as crazy and violent as you portray yourself to be!

cera said...

HC!
good tips, but im still mad at ya!

princessdominique said...

This is some good stuff!

Miss_Vicki said...

That is some damn good advice!

Safire said...

Humanity Critic, you have so many "this one times"...It makes a girl wonder. How old are you, and how have you managed to live such an eventful life? Damn...

ManNMotion said...

Why didn't you fight the WNBA chick?

Brea said...

This is great - lmao.

blakkwidow said...

u went to a Meshell concert when and where??? huh? HUH? Answer me dammit!!!! I long to see her in concert. *sniff sniff*

Good post...

BLESSD1 said...

Man...isn't it always the "I've studied the martial arts" cats that get the break-pads beat off of them? LOL! Good post man!