The Breakfast Club

The other day, after seeing 3 of the cast members of the movie "The Breakfast Club" get honored at the 2005 MTV movie awards, I decided to rent the movie and view it again since I loved the movie so much as a kid. As I sat through for what had to be like the 50th time I saw it, something came amazingly clear to me, I am "The Breakfast Club"! When I say that I mean that I possess each one of the characteristics of all 5 individuals: The criminal, the nerd, the basket case, the jock, the princess. Since the previous 3 sentences aren't sufficient enough to explain my case, let me go into further detail.

A "Brain": I won't go on and on about how smart I think I am or how I am intellectually superior to anyone, but there are a few things that I must point out about myself. The main gripe that I get from my friends, whether it be from lifelong friends like Danny or the guys in my band, is that I am too analytical for their taste. During the election cycle when my republican friends used to argue politics, I would have an arsenal of facts and figures to my disposal that I would ramble off to underline my argument. They would say things like, "I don't have the stats or anything..", which I always responded, "Then why did you even get into the argument in the first place? Jackass"

In High School I would frustrate teachers because I didn't really apply myself, so I was always the main target to get picked on when a certain question was posed. The anger on their part would arise when I would deliver the right answer, them not knowing that I had a pretty decent photographic memory and that I had just read the answer that I had executed about 2 minutes prior to being picked. I remember that I had a very racist History teacher in my senior year, who tried to vilify Muhammed Ali because of his refusal to go to Vietnam. I quickly countered with a list of popular Americans, of various ethnicity's, who also avoided going to Vietnam as well. I took pleasure in the fact that her face got beet red in front of 30 of my classmates. OK, maybe I am more of a "smart ass" than "smart".

An "Athlete": My addiction to sports is the main reason that some of my "artsy fartsy" friends will never embrace me fully into their club, but that is totally OK with me. I realized that whoever is brave enough to marry me will have to deal with the fact that I basically watch SportsCenter on a loop, and that I pretty much dig all sports. What other black guy do you know, who isn't a sportscaster himself, can name off a handful of Hockey players? Like the character in the movie, I also had a sports dad, albeit for a very short while. I recall playing Pee-Wee soccer and my dad screaming, "Come on HumanityCritic, put that ball in the motherfucking goal! Shit!" When the other parents used to give him looks of disapproval he would defiantly tell them, "Mind your fucking business!" Then there was a time that I rode my bike in a BMX race and got third place, along with a trophy proving so. When we got home my mother said, "Wow, you got a third place trophy!" My dad, out of the side of his mouth said, "Yeah, he got third place out of three motherfucking people!!" Right then and there I feel that he realized that he was getting too emotionally involved in my sports career, and from that point on he played the background somewhat.

Even today, from playing basketball like I was playing for a championship, or pulling tricks on a skateboard, I am a bona fide sports junkie. I recently took up golf and I must say that I am getting better each time I play. Last time I went I went dressed in a Public Enemy t-shirt, camouflage shorts, and Shell-toe Adidas. Which isn't a crime, but when the group in front of us took their sweet time you could hear me yelling "Why don't you assholes hurry the fuck up already!!" When they gave me the finger I pulled out my driver, and hit a few golf balls in their direction. My shot is so bad that I was trying to miss them, but one of my balls hit one of the gentleman's golf cart. Due to that outburst I might have to find a new group of guys to play with.

A "Basketcase": If you have read this blog for at least 5 minutes then you are aware that I have mental issues that need to be worked out. I mean, I would never store body parts in my fridge or go on a shooting spree, but the need for a psychological evaluation is probably needed. Sometimes I have lengthy conversations with my dad in my dreams, but they are hardly about anything profound, just his advice to "keep my dick clean" and other weird sexual advice. This one time I held a grudge against someone I had for an entire year, and even though I hadn't seen that person in 12 calendar months, I walked up to them and punched him in the face as soon as I saw him.(I had no idea that the gentleman in question had just "found god" and was in town JUST to apologize to me)

I also agonize over my father's death, not blaming myself for his passing, but wishing I was less combative when he would put me down in a verbal manner. A day doesn't pass when I don't think about that dilemma in some way or another. Also I sabotage relationships, knowing that being hurt sucks, so I am emotionally unavailable and an unbearable prick. I really want to change that because I don't want to be the "old guy in the club" as Chris Rock puts it, or be 60 years old with a shitload of cats.

A "Princess": OK, I'm nobody's "princess" but I will attack this from the "snob" angle. Don't get me wrong, being a snob based on someones finances or station in life is deplorable and utterly despicable. But I am definitely a movie and music snob, hands down. I was talking to this beautiful woman who had a backside that you could bounce a quarter on, she was highly intelligent and had a delightful sense of humor. Everything was going fine until we got on the subject of music and she told me that she was a big lil john fan and she had every Jah Rule record ever made. From that point on, whatever came out of her mouth sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher to me.(Whah-whah-whah) When she handed me her number I said, "Don't be surprised if I don't call you, the whole Jah Rule thing is a definite deal breaker". She laughed, thought I was kidding and said "You are a funny guy!! I'll talk to you this week." About a month later I saw her and she rushed up and said, "You really didn't call me because I am a Jah Rule fan??" I just smiled, then she replied "You are a real asshole you know that?"(If I had a quarter for each time I was called an "asshole", I would be on some beach right now, being a snob to other fellow rich fucks.)

Another example was a incident that happened at blockbuster last week, A random lady had walked up to me and said, "Is 'Garden State' any good?" I could see that she was debating on renting that or the John Travolta movie 'Be Cool". I told her that 'Garden State' was the clear choice and I had her convinced until some douchebag Blockbuster employee came up and said, "Oh Hell no, 'Be Cool' was much better." I guess because the girl was wearing a Blockbuster uniform that was enough for the lady, so she put down 'Garden State' and rented 'Be Cool''. I shouted out, "'Be Cool' sucked ass! Matter of fact, that is one of the few movies I have walked out on in my lifetime!!" The lady was intrigued and said, "Really?" I went on and said how silly 'Be Cool' was, and that if she watched it that she would never get that precious two hours of her life back. The employee tried to counter but I interrupted "Obviously being a blockbuster employee doesn't equate to having movie taste. They should really screen you motherfuckers before they hire yall!" The lady rented 'Garden State', I rented the movies that I came for, and before i could close the door I could hear the word "asshole" being uttered very forcefully. Man if I had a quarter for every time someone called me an "asshole"

A "criminal": As far as I know I have a spotless criminal record, only going to jail overnight for certain fights that I have been in. I guess the old saying that god looks after fools and babies is true in my case, because I should have a rap sheet longer than Beyonce's weave. Granted, I am not a thief, a sexual predator, an arsonist, or anything like that. But the amount of fights that I have been into is downright criminal and embarrassing. From beating down a pharmacist who said some sexually suggestive things to my mother, to pulling a bartender over a bar when he said some bullshit to me, throwing a guy over a railing at a rave, throat chopping a dude who said that a friend of mine was a "dirty whore", I have had viscous violent outbursts.

Some people think that I talk about these things to seem tough, but my temper is hard to control sometimes and I try not to glorify it. Shit, maybe I do glorify it, but some people just need their ass whipped and I am more than willing to share tales of public beatdowns with you kind folks. To let you know, I have lost plenty of fights, and I sincerly wish that I didn't have so many tales of "beatting some dude's ass" to tell.

Word to the wise concerning being in a bar brawl. Whatever you do, if you are ever in a altercation in some watering hole, leave as soon as it's over. Most of the people who get arrested are the assholes who feel the need to stick around after said altercation, just inviting police intervention. Get your ass out of there! If I had hung around after every fight I have been in I am sure that I would be in somebody's prison, thinking about new and inventive ways to prevent being anally penetrated against my will.


Quote from the movie: "In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions of what we found out, that each one of us is a brain, an athlete, a basketcase, a princess, and a criminal."