Tuesday, June 14, 2005

The Breakfast Club

The other day, after seeing 3 of the cast members of the movie "The Breakfast Club" get honored at the 2005 MTV movie awards, I decided to rent the movie and view it again since I loved the movie so much as a kid. As I sat through for what had to be like the 50th time I saw it, something came amazingly clear to me, I am "The Breakfast Club"! When I say that I mean that I possess each one of the characteristics of all 5 individuals: The criminal, the nerd, the basket case, the jock, the princess. Since the previous 3 sentences aren't sufficient enough to explain my case, let me go into further detail.

A "Brain": I won't go on and on about how smart I think I am or how I am intellectually superior to anyone, but there are a few things that I must point out about myself. The main gripe that I get from my friends, whether it be from lifelong friends like Danny or the guys in my band, is that I am too analytical for their taste. During the election cycle when my republican friends used to argue politics, I would have an arsenal of facts and figures to my disposal that I would ramble off to underline my argument. They would say things like, "I don't have the stats or anything..", which I always responded, "Then why did you even get into the argument in the first place? Jackass"

In High School I would frustrate teachers because I didn't really apply myself, so I was always the main target to get picked on when a certain question was posed. The anger on their part would arise when I would deliver the right answer, them not knowing that I had a pretty decent photographic memory and that I had just read the answer that I had executed about 2 minutes prior to being picked. I remember that I had a very racist History teacher in my senior year, who tried to vilify Muhammed Ali because of his refusal to go to Vietnam. I quickly countered with a list of popular Americans, of various ethnicity's, who also avoided going to Vietnam as well. I took pleasure in the fact that her face got beet red in front of 30 of my classmates. OK, maybe I am more of a "smart ass" than "smart".

An "Athlete": My addiction to sports is the main reason that some of my "artsy fartsy" friends will never embrace me fully into their club, but that is totally OK with me. I realized that whoever is brave enough to marry me will have to deal with the fact that I basically watch SportsCenter on a loop, and that I pretty much dig all sports. What other black guy do you know, who isn't a sportscaster himself, can name off a handful of Hockey players? Like the character in the movie, I also had a sports dad, albeit for a very short while. I recall playing Pee-Wee soccer and my dad screaming, "Come on HumanityCritic, put that ball in the motherfucking goal! Shit!" When the other parents used to give him looks of disapproval he would defiantly tell them, "Mind your fucking business!" Then there was a time that I rode my bike in a BMX race and got third place, along with a trophy proving so. When we got home my mother said, "Wow, you got a third place trophy!" My dad, out of the side of his mouth said, "Yeah, he got third place out of three motherfucking people!!" Right then and there I feel that he realized that he was getting too emotionally involved in my sports career, and from that point on he played the background somewhat.

Even today, from playing basketball like I was playing for a championship, or pulling tricks on a skateboard, I am a bona fide sports junkie. I recently took up golf and I must say that I am getting better each time I play. Last time I went I went dressed in a Public Enemy t-shirt, camouflage shorts, and Shell-toe Adidas. Which isn't a crime, but when the group in front of us took their sweet time you could hear me yelling "Why don't you assholes hurry the fuck up already!!" When they gave me the finger I pulled out my driver, and hit a few golf balls in their direction. My shot is so bad that I was trying to miss them, but one of my balls hit one of the gentleman's golf cart. Due to that outburst I might have to find a new group of guys to play with.

A "Basketcase": If you have read this blog for at least 5 minutes then you are aware that I have mental issues that need to be worked out. I mean, I would never store body parts in my fridge or go on a shooting spree, but the need for a psychological evaluation is probably needed. Sometimes I have lengthy conversations with my dad in my dreams, but they are hardly about anything profound, just his advice to "keep my dick clean" and other weird sexual advice. This one time I held a grudge against someone I had for an entire year, and even though I hadn't seen that person in 12 calendar months, I walked up to them and punched him in the face as soon as I saw him.(I had no idea that the gentleman in question had just "found god" and was in town JUST to apologize to me)

I also agonize over my father's death, not blaming myself for his passing, but wishing I was less combative when he would put me down in a verbal manner. A day doesn't pass when I don't think about that dilemma in some way or another. Also I sabotage relationships, knowing that being hurt sucks, so I am emotionally unavailable and an unbearable prick. I really want to change that because I don't want to be the "old guy in the club" as Chris Rock puts it, or be 60 years old with a shitload of cats.

A "Princess": OK, I'm nobody's "princess" but I will attack this from the "snob" angle. Don't get me wrong, being a snob based on someones finances or station in life is deplorable and utterly despicable. But I am definitely a movie and music snob, hands down. I was talking to this beautiful woman who had a backside that you could bounce a quarter on, she was highly intelligent and had a delightful sense of humor. Everything was going fine until we got on the subject of music and she told me that she was a big lil john fan and she had every Jah Rule record ever made. From that point on, whatever came out of her mouth sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher to me.(Whah-whah-whah) When she handed me her number I said, "Don't be surprised if I don't call you, the whole Jah Rule thing is a definite deal breaker". She laughed, thought I was kidding and said "You are a funny guy!! I'll talk to you this week." About a month later I saw her and she rushed up and said, "You really didn't call me because I am a Jah Rule fan??" I just smiled, then she replied "You are a real asshole you know that?"(If I had a quarter for each time I was called an "asshole", I would be on some beach right now, being a snob to other fellow rich fucks.)

Another example was a incident that happened at blockbuster last week, A random lady had walked up to me and said, "Is 'Garden State' any good?" I could see that she was debating on renting that or the John Travolta movie 'Be Cool". I told her that 'Garden State' was the clear choice and I had her convinced until some douchebag Blockbuster employee came up and said, "Oh Hell no, 'Be Cool' was much better." I guess because the girl was wearing a Blockbuster uniform that was enough for the lady, so she put down 'Garden State' and rented 'Be Cool''. I shouted out, "'Be Cool' sucked ass! Matter of fact, that is one of the few movies I have walked out on in my lifetime!!" The lady was intrigued and said, "Really?" I went on and said how silly 'Be Cool' was, and that if she watched it that she would never get that precious two hours of her life back. The employee tried to counter but I interrupted "Obviously being a blockbuster employee doesn't equate to having movie taste. They should really screen you motherfuckers before they hire yall!" The lady rented 'Garden State', I rented the movies that I came for, and before i could close the door I could hear the word "asshole" being uttered very forcefully. Man if I had a quarter for every time someone called me an "asshole"

A "criminal": As far as I know I have a spotless criminal record, only going to jail overnight for certain fights that I have been in. I guess the old saying that god looks after fools and babies is true in my case, because I should have a rap sheet longer than Beyonce's weave. Granted, I am not a thief, a sexual predator, an arsonist, or anything like that. But the amount of fights that I have been into is downright criminal and embarrassing. From beating down a pharmacist who said some sexually suggestive things to my mother, to pulling a bartender over a bar when he said some bullshit to me, throwing a guy over a railing at a rave, throat chopping a dude who said that a friend of mine was a "dirty whore", I have had viscous violent outbursts.

Some people think that I talk about these things to seem tough, but my temper is hard to control sometimes and I try not to glorify it. Shit, maybe I do glorify it, but some people just need their ass whipped and I am more than willing to share tales of public beatdowns with you kind folks. To let you know, I have lost plenty of fights, and I sincerly wish that I didn't have so many tales of "beatting some dude's ass" to tell.

Word to the wise concerning being in a bar brawl. Whatever you do, if you are ever in a altercation in some watering hole, leave as soon as it's over. Most of the people who get arrested are the assholes who feel the need to stick around after said altercation, just inviting police intervention. Get your ass out of there! If I had hung around after every fight I have been in I am sure that I would be in somebody's prison, thinking about new and inventive ways to prevent being anally penetrated against my will.


Quote from the movie: "In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions of what we found out, that each one of us is a brain, an athlete, a basketcase, a princess, and a criminal."

36 comments:

Death said...

I've never been able to bring myself to watch that movie. But I love me some Sixteen Candles though.

Nikki said...

I think I've seen every friggin' John Hughes movie. Those movies were like the script to my high school years. And I'm sooooo with you on being a snob when it comes to music, films, books, etc.

Amadeo said...

Smart people need to be smart asses sometimes...it reduces the boredom of being taught by stupid people.

Blogzie said...

Thanks! And welcome. Stop by anytime...

totolehero said...

damn boy!! i feel like i've known you since you were in pre-school..
thanks for the kind words on my blog.. your post is awesome !!! i fucking looooove the breakfast club, it's one of those movies you watch and watch again and learn something new..(useful and not)

Danja said...

I don't know why I was a Brat Pack fan, I mean it made no sense at all. But I was. Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Pretty In Pink, and all of those other Molly Ringwald movies were my favs. I think, on some level, we all can relate to at least one of the characters in that detention hall. Or we could relate to their problems they had that brought them to the hall. I, too, and somewhat of a music/movie snob. Good post!

Zantiferous3 said...

I loved all the Brat Pack movies, and I think The Breakfast Club was my favorite.

And the soundtracks from those movies always had at least ONE great song on them... like The Breakfast Club had "Don't You Forget About Me" by Simple Minds; Pretty in Pink had "If You Leave" by OMD and "Pretty in Pink" by the Psychedelic Furs and Sixteen Candles had "If You Were Here" by The Thompson Twins.

Those movies and that music brings back alllllll the memories of high school and growing up at that time. John Hughes movies are the shit. LOL

Jdid said...

you didnt call the girl because she was a ja rule fan? serious? lol

Girl With An Alibi said...

I loved Garden State (being from NJ I had to rent it). I have not seen Be Cool, to be honest I totally forgot it had been released. From your review I guess I can keep it that way.

Bullet Proof Diva said...

From the deep recesses of his mind...it's intriguing to read your experiences, I enjoy the journey! and ummm you REALLY are passionate about what you believe in, you gotta have conviction to turn down a hot chick for her musical taste! Amazing! LOL

Ola said...

I didn't even finish reading the post yet...lol


I LOVE THE BREAKFAST CLUB!!!!!!!!!!!!

I could bust out some dialog but i'll save yall. hehe

*going back to read entire post now* ^_^

en said...

Totally Hilarious.. I can't get that song out of my head, "Don't you forget about me.."

I am Jack said...

I had the biggest crush on Molly Ringwald back in the day. Shit, she is still sexy.

FantasyFootballGuru said...

lol You are a great writer. Keep it up.

kev fan said...

You shouldn't realy let your father's death eat at you. It will be alright man.

JustDes said...

Hmmm where shall i begin *tapping chin with finger*...

I guess i'll start by saying this was a good post (you probably already knew that snob) j/k....maybe

Next when are we going to get married? oh no that's not what i wanted to say.....

Ok seriously...I was a hugge brat pack fan...and at such a young age...I've seen every movie countless times and became obsessed with Molly Ringwold (gay no, admirer yes).....though sadly i related most to Ally Sheedy...I was and still am a basket case....

Anyway due to this post and others, i'm going to have to force you to take my hand in marriage...

PS: I can't stand ja rule or "lil" jon and his jibber jabber...UHHH Ja rule...i'm so glad folks out here in Queens are not reppin' him hard...uhhhh

CaffeineDiva said...

You are the craziest, most honest, intelligent guy I have ever been obsessed with. Not that I am a stalker or anything, but I might be a lifelong fan after this post.
The Breakfast Club is great. I'm at least 3 of the characters all rolled into one.
Wanna marry me... of course you'd probably sabotage the whole damn thing!
Big Love!

Carla said...

This is a great post! Now I think I will need to watch it again some time very soon.

David Binkowski said...

been there, I dated a girl (ok, slept with) that once said the Soundgarden song "Spoonman" was a "classic".

another brief interlude had a girl try to convince me that "Dunkee Butt" was a great song.

note: both are still single and loving shitty music.

lily said...

I love this movie so much, seen it way too many times to count.

Good post, and ur a really good writer.

introspectre said...

I watched it this past weekend as well, and had to crack up at "the basketcase". I so wanted to be her when I was a kid and saw that movie. Something about her level of insanity appealed to me.
Little did I realize I WAS her and just hadn't refined my "crazy" down to the level she had yet.

AH well.

Systa Soul said...

I love the hell out of this movie!! My favorite character was the Basketcase chick ... I liked her transformation. I think I'm gonna rent it this weekend!

Coffey0072 said...

Love the Breakfast Club, love Molly Ringwald, and I oh yes, Hi, I'm Coffey0072 and I think I'm a snob too. And I say that shamelessly. 'specially when it comes to music, film (nothing less than indy, foreign and arthouse), and books.

I dumped a guy after four weeks, due to a slew of issues I had with him... the primary one being him trying to FORCE me to like Snow... yes, Snow of "informer, lickey boom boom down" fame.

kozmic_cocoa said...

I can definitely relate to the "princess". I wasn't a snob, but people THOUGHT I was because my parents are well off. People always called us the Cosby kids. Because I talked "white" and listened to other music genres, I rubbed a lot of people the wrong way. Molly Ringwald's character was misunderstood until the end, just like I was. In contrast, I can also relate to Judd Nelson's character, "the rebel". People were often shocked as hell when I finally had enough of turning the other cheek and started getting medieval on mutherfuckers. I never started fights, but I certainly finished a few in my day.

Anonymous said...

I was definitely the judd nelson character in highs school, I couldn't stay out of trouble.

sherry said...

Oh my god, I absolutely love that movie!

Sankofa said...

OK, first of all HC...did u really need to rent the movie..it's on at least 3 times on week. And as oftern as it comes on...I admit...I watch it. I just have always loved its attack on high school cliques. Anyway. You can't go to jail...what about Carter? She needs you around...lololol...or was that Bonquisha. Smooches.

Noelle12 said...

I've never seen it....but ever since I saw the 'tribute' on the MTV Music Awards...I can't help but want to try watching it....

ManNMotion said...

Are we the same person? I blogged the same sentiment on Be Cool a couple of months ago. The first rule about fight club is you don't talk about fight club. The second rule about fight club...

G. Cornelius Harris said...

LMAO...Throwback...I'll keep you posted

Brother OMi said...

eff the breakfast club, they forgot the revolutionary and capoeirista and b-boy...

Ms. World said...

My mother took me to this movie when I was a teenager! I was the basketcase when I was in high school. Now I'm the princess!

beauseven said...

thanks for the comment - and what a great post this is. ah, nostalgia.

josie said...

that movie was cool.

Anonymous said...

HC I love your blog it is truly entertaining. I anticipate reading it everyday. great writing... you need to do an HBO series. This could be like a curb your enthusiam type of show or something agree??haha!

Dayrell said...

Great post. I really enjoyed this. And B.C. was my favorite movie as well. =)