Tales from the Cheese-Wagon

Like many red-blooded Americans out there, I have ridden the monstrosity that many of us call the "cheese-wagon". From my recollection, I rode that yellow bus from 1980-1990, so you can only guess that I have many fond memories to relay to all of you. Here are a few "tales from the Cheese-Wagon" that happend during my ten year tenure on said bus. By all means, if any of you have tales that you want to express feel free.

School Bully(1983): Pretty much all my life I have been a bona fide smart ass. There was this bully named Terry that would terrorize every kid in my class, and when he wasn't causing absolute havoc he left everyone in his presence shook. This went on for months and the only reason I didn't say anything is because he was big for his age, and he could kick my ass. Come to think of it, that motherfucker failed twice so he had a couple of years on me as well. One day I had enough, and began to verbally capitalize on the fact that Terry had a sub-par I.Q. Witty retorts weren't his cup of tea, so he told me that he would pummel me after school. Why is it that when you are usually sitting in class the seconds drag on? But when you have a pre-determined date to get your ass whipped time flies by. After school Terry doesn't touch me so I am relieved, until I see him board my bus. He wasn't even supposed to take my bus so I knew that an ass whipping was on the menu for that afternoon.

The whole way home he is pounding his fists, saying "I'm going to kill you nigger". Shit, I was 10 years old for Christs sake and I have to not only deal with violence but outright racism? That sucks. As soon as I get off the bus Terry quickly follows, and as soon as the bus departs he begins to systematically whip my ass. The guy wouldn't stop kicking, punching, throwing racial slurs my way. I was crying, laying in the fetal position, then all of a sudden my rage appears(Lets call him Mitch) and says to me, "What are you doing?? Fight back!!" I stood up and began fighting back, I remember kicking him in the nuts like 5 times and beating him in the head with my Trapper Keeper. I remember damn near breaking my wrist from all the punches I threw incorrectly. Lets just say that Terry didn't say shit to anyone from that point on. But that day haunts me to this day. See, it made me not fear anyone, which is dangerous. Don't get it twisted, I'm not saying that with some sort of macho swagger, it is a trait that I wish I didn't have. I have, and can still, get my ass whipped. I just don't fear anyone, and that is a trait that might someday get me killed. "Mitch" is a big part of my personality and sometimes I wish he would go the fuck away.

Wham!(1984): When I was 11 years old I was in love with a girl named Kirsten. Kirsten was a white girl who was really developed for a 11 year old, and thinking back I think our shared love for the Nucleus song "Jam on it" increased my affection for her. The whole year I was crushing on her hard, we would even sit together during lunch every day like a old married couple. So one day I decided that I would make my move and ask her if she wanted to be my "girlfriend". I approached her with the infamous "Do you like me? check the box for "yes" or the box for "no" letter. She looked at it, looked at me, and told me that she would tell me tomorrow. "What in the fuck is there to think about?", I thought.(I have always been the impatient type) I must tell you, outside of wondering if I knocked some girl up, or tossing and turning because there was a possibility of me doing jail time for hitting some dude with a bottle in a bar, that was one of biggest sleepless nights I have ever had. When I returned to school the next day I knew that the news probably wouldn't be good when Kirsten didn't say a word to me when I greeted her. Later that day, she slowly walked up to me and said "I'm sorry" as she handed me the letter. Obviously when I opened the letter, the box next to "No" was checked.

My little world was shattered, I couldn't eat anything because I lost my appetite. When I got on the bus I put on my headphones like I did everyday. This is kind of embarrassing, but I laid on a seat in the back of the bus, singing the words to George Michael's "Careless Whisper" as I thought about beautiful Kirsten and how she had rejected me. That shit is kind of pathetic now that I think about it.

Rage Against the "Janeane"(1987): We all know what the dozens are, the age old past-time of cracking jokes on each other. Mama Jokes, jokes about hygiene, appearance, anything was fair game. A girl that I went to school with named "janeane" would partake in the festivities. It was our daily ritual on the way home to attack anything sacred about an individual, and laugh our asses off doing so. Well, apparently Janeane was having a bad day or some shit because on the way home she glared out of the window, not joining in on the fun. We asked her what was wrong and she ignored us. We tried to make her laugh but that didn't work. So we did the next best thing, we joked the shit out of her.

I mean everything from "how obese her mother is", to the miscellaneous smells coming from her vagina, we were absolutely brutal. In the middle of a particular joke I was telling Janeane jumps out of chair, and she "Three Stooges" slaps me and a couple of other guys. Hard. I just sat there, looking stupid, not knowing what to do. I wasn't going to beat up a girl, even though the thought crossed my mind. I found out later that her parents had just decided to get divorced so that was the reason for her rage that day. I fully understood why she would slap me like that, but that didn't stop me from paying this big girl named Wanda 5 dollars to beat the breaks off of Janeane. I know, that's fucked up.

Sloppy 5ths(1989): This was an important year for yours truly because this is when I went from social obscurity to "everybody's buddy and honey" as Biz Marky so succinctly put it. See, the previous year I was known as a skateboarder, so the intellectually retarded black folks thought that riding a wooden board with wheels on it was me "trying to be white"(These are the same peasants that grew up and currently think how you speak determines your "blackness". Assholes.) Well this one girl named Carla gave me shit constantly the previous year, calling me "white boy" whenever she saw me. See, if she was a guy then I could just break his nose or something, her gender gave her a free pass to ridicule me at will. Fast forward a entire school year, when being a "track star" bumped me up from being "ashy to classy" as B.I.G put it.

It's amazing how people change gears and go from hating you to hanging on your every word when you speak. This change of heart affected Carla the most. She joked around with me, asked me on dates, and told her friends how cute I was. Frustrated, I grabbed her and said, "Bitch, you don't remember last year when you gave me all that shit??" She replied that she did it because she liked me, which was bullshit. Anyway, Carla road my bus and she was talking about how good her "oral" skills were. I, in my general hornyness, said "prove it". Even though I meant for her to prove it on ME, she began to randomly "service" dudes in the back of the bus. I have never liked "sloppy seconds", and by the looks of things I was like 5th in line, but I didn't give a fuck that day. I got in the back seat and she began to do her thing, so well in fact I thought good things, not how she tormented me a year earlier. Next thing I know the bus driver has stopped the bus, and is ordering us to "stop that immediately!" I was shook, but Carla didn't stop, and I didn't stop her, so lets just say that that bus driver got to see a "mouth hug" up close and personal that day.