Somewhere Over the Rainbow

My best friend and I have lived in the same neighborhood for about 2 years now. When it comes to drinking in close proximity our options are pretty limited. There is a bar right up the street that is currently called "Crazy C's", that has changed owners about 5 times in the past year. Then there is a bar across the street that Danny and I hardly talk about. OK let me explain. I am the furthest thing from a homophobe, but the bar "across the street" is currently a gay bar.** It was once a gay biker bar, but then it turned into a "regular" gay bar, and the chances of me ever setting foot in there were the same as me becoming a black republican. When Danny would wear something even remotely feminine I would say, "Did you just come from the gay bar up the street?" That drinking establishment was a running joke between the two of us for a while. That was until one very snowy night a few months back.

A few months back when we had a pretty bad snow storm(bad for Virginia) Danny and I looked for a place to drink. We went everywhere, that bar up the street was closed, 5 bars that we went to in our city was closed, 3 bars that we went to in a neighboring city were closed, we were officially fucked. As we come back home dejected after not finding a place to drink at, we both look over and see that the gay bar is open. We briefly look at each other, thinking the same thing and I say, "Fuck no! Hell no man!" Danny replies, "You are supposed to be the liberal here, all excepting of everyone and shit. What gives?" I reply, "It's not about them being gay, but what if I see some girl there that I know?" "What are you talking about", he says. I say, " OK, when I used to go to this lesbian bar to check out some bi-curious chicks I would often see girls that I knew. No matter how much they told me that they were "just there for a drink", I would always think they were full of shit. If I saw a girl there that I knew there would be no explaining that!" Danny turned the car around and said, "I'm getting drunk so fuck you!"

He pulls right in front of the gay bar and says, "Are you coming or not?" Defiantly I said, "Not, I'm walking home". "Suit yourself asshole!", he said as he walked in. I sat in the car pondering a few things. 1. Was I giving a phony excuse because I am a homophobe? 2.What in the fuck is up letting Danny talk to me that way 3.Damn I hate Shaq 4.Damn Serena Williams has a fat ass and 5.I really do want to drink.(OK, my mind wonders) I enter the establishment and for some reason I felt the sudden need to walk with a tough swagger, and even speak with a rougher voice. I sit beside Danny and the Bartender says, "Honey, we all know you are straight, don't worry!" Even though I thought I should be embarrassed by what the bartender said, I was actually happy, because this is a homosexual with the ultimate "Gay-dar" and he knows that I am straight as straight can be. So Danny and I begin to systematically throw back shots, but I was still a little wary about my surroundings.

The funny thing is I guess a few straight guys that I knew had the same problem we did in finding a bar, because about 7 guys that I knew all showed up within minutes. The conversations between us went like this: Me: What's up man? Them: Nothing man. I'm not gay, I just want a drink. Me:Me either, I just want to get a drink. I'm all man baby! And when I say baby I mean it as slang, not really calling YOU baby. Typical guys.

Little did I know that that night would change my life forever. I sparked up a conversation with this gentleman named Richard who had just lost his lover to AIDS. He told me that at his lover's funeral, it was this religious right-wing fanatic along with his followers who picketed the funeral and said things like "All fags are going to hell" during the funeral proceedings." He laughed when I told him that if I was him that I would of cut that guys' nuts off and shoved them in his mouth. Richard laughed even more when I told him that I was dead ass serious. There was also this dude named Chris, who basically had two black eyes, who told me that he had gotten beaten up leaving the bar we were at simply because he was gay. I assured him that if that guy showed up tonight that I would beat his ass in front of everybody, he giggled and said "OK, I'm going to take you up on that!"

The coolest thing was that they all laughed at my wildly inappropriate jokes. When I said "I'm not getting too drunk around you guys because i don't want to wake up with stretch marks around my mouth" they laughed. When I told a gentleman who didn't laugh at my jokes, "Come on guy, if you can take a dick then you can take a joke"(I heard that somewhere) they laughed as well. Moments later this beautiful sister walked in with a couple of her friends, but I didn't try to speak to her because about an hour earlier I had seen someone who I thought was a woman but wasn't. She walks over and says, "How about you buy me a drink?" Usually I tell women to fuck off when that question is posed, not because I am cheap, but because I am an asshole and I would buy you drinks all night if you just let me initiate the order of things. But tonight I feel pretty generous so I buy her and her friends some drinks.

We talk a while and I ask if she is really a female, she sternly says "Hell yes!" I say "prove it" and she flashes me her tits, making me simply say "You could of had surgery!" This chick pulls down her skirt and underwear and exposes her pierced clitoris, again I say "A guy can get one of those too!" She then riffles through her purse and not only shows me her I.D, but a picture of her as a child, and a birth certificate. It was weird because as soon as she showed me proof of her gender I got a pretty stiff erection, which troubled me because of where I was at exactly. We exchanged numbers but to be totally honest I never called her, maybe her birth certificate was a forgery!

The night winds down, me and Danny heavily intoxicated, leaving the establishment heavily intoxicated. We are standing outside I am, believe it or not, having a pretty polite argument with a gentlemen about how "There is no way you can compare being gay to the civil rights movement." I told him that even though I am leaving the bar with a new outlook, there is no way I could except that assertion. In the middle of our discussion a car pulls up and a grizzled looking guy not only throws a bottle near us, he scream out "I should burn this bar down! Nothing but Niggers and Faggots!" I looked at Chris and he had told me that that was the guy that had beaten him up. The guy gets out of the car with a gas can, this mother fucker was really going to burn the place down!

When he walks up I punch him in the face with all my might, dropping his ass like a sack of potatoes. For the next five minutes I beat him bloody all over that fucking parking lot, thinking about how he just called me a "nigger", thinking about that right wing douchebag that picketed his lovers funeral, thinking about Chris getting beat up. I must of kicked this guy a thousand times, then something very scary happened. I put him back in his car and started to pour gas all over the car. All I heard was a chorus of gay men scream, "Noo" as Danny tackled me and asked me "What in the fuck are you doing? You trying to burn this asshole up and be in jail forever?" He had a good point, so as we hear sirens in the background we start to leave.

Chris comes up to the passenger side window and thanks me. He says, "I know you won't come here again, but it was cool that you were understanding." I shake his hand and head home. As I stand in the shower, washing premium grade gasoline off me, I just reflect on what had just happened.