Dating Tips from a Guy who is monumentally bad at it.

You read the title correctly, it says "..from a guy who is monumentally bad at it", your eyes aren't deceiving you. I'll put it like this, there are plenty of dating experts who want to give you the "sure fire" steps to dating so you will be successfull. The problem with that is that those experts are usually very attractive, so attractive that they could walk up to somebody, goosestepping, and reading Adolf Hitlers "Mien Kampf" and still get a date. Those bastards aren't to be trusted, so why don't you look at your boy the HumanityCritic to give you some rogue-like advice. I figure that learning from my mistakes is the best way to gain the advantage in this rough dating world.

1. A Girls best friend: Even though a guy's best friend plays a integral part, it isn't the same as a girls best friend. A buddy can tell me "how much he doesn't like my girlfriend", and that "she is all wrong for me", but if her ass is good in bed, doesn't cheat, and makes a great sandwich, his stupid ass will get ignored with a quickness. It is my personal experience that women put more stock in their best friend's opinion than men do. When you meet the "best friend" just remember that you are basically auditioning, so act natural. If you ignore her friend completely then you will blow it. If you show her too much attention she will think you are phony, and you will still blow it. Also, be aware that everything you do will be monitored like you have been spied on by a security camera. Her silly ass will notice if you pay the bill or not, pull the chair for your date, interrupt alot, you name it her friend is checking it out.

Don't make my mistake: One time I was on a date where we were going to meet one of her friends. We get to the bar where her friend is at and we had a pretty good time, that is until the "friend" got drunk. She started telling me "how I wasn't right for her", and that "she could do better." I sat through that barrage for minutes, just excusing the fact that she was drunk. Then I couldn't take anymore and I think I called her a dirty whore, or something like that, and told her if she said another word that I was going to pour a pitcher of beer on her. Lets just say that that act of defiance didn't endear me to my date that night. In hindsight I should of just rode out the abuse for some effort-free sex from my date that night.

2. Eyes on the Prize: Maybe because I am observant, or I am looking out for some dude that I previously knocked out to even the score, but my eyes tend to wander whenever I am on a date. I really don't check out other chicks because I know how rude that is, but the woman I am with doesn't buy the whole "I am just observant" rant. Fellas, nothing will deny you a second date faster than a guy who can't keep his eyes from wandering around the room.

Don't make my mistake. I was out with a woman one time on a very nice date at a upscale restaurant. It was kind of uptight for my taste but I thought I would ignore my tree-hugging sensibilities and just enjoy myself. I remember laughing with my date about the people in attendance because of the way they acted. You had women wearing fur coats in the dead of summer, and they were laced with expensive jewelery like they were going to the academy awards or something. I never thought my eyes would wander to another woman that night, that is until this sister comes walking in with a tight red dress. I mean, you could see every dimension of her body, and dirty thoughts filled my mind. I guess my mouth was wide open, because my date had to not only call my name 4 times, but physically slap the shit out of me. For some reason, from that point on, we didn't laugh and joke the same way we were earlier that night.

3. Sex on the first date: Ladies, simply, don't do it. That is my advice to you. I know you want to be "I am woman hear me roar" and shit, but the simple fact is that if you gave it to me on the first night your status might get bumped down from "Wifey" to "Booty-call". I know, there are evil double standards out there but I guess that's life.(Hey, on average women live longer than men so stop bitching) Men, on the other hand, if a woman offers it on the first night, by all means get yourself a piece of patch. Listen, I had a friend tell me, "HC, she wanted to have sex the first night but I didn't want her to feel like a slut for giving it up on the first night." What the fuck? She already offered you the meal, just because your ass didn't eat doesn't mean that she didn't cook it.

Don't make my mistake(which I am still making): Assuming that a woman is as loose as Vanessa Del Rio's bed-springs just because she gave it up on the first night is foolish. OK, on average she probably is, but to generalize is always dangerous. I went out with a woman who was an artist, brilliant, and a lot of fun. We went out on our first date, and right after said date I was looking at the beautiful paintings she had painted on her ceiling, as she moaned between my intoxicated thrusts. I made the mistake of treating her like a glorified "booty-call" after that and she had so much more to give. Her words keep ringing in my head till this day, "I should have never fucked you on the first night!"

4. Try not to get shitfaced: If you are a alcoholic, try to keep that shit secret until the 5th date. Nothing will make your date more uneasy on a first date than a guy who is arguing with other patrons, and throwing up on her sexy new dress that she wore that night. I always tell people to drink whatever gets you "tipsy", not drunk. If 4 beers and 4 rum and cokes gets you pissy, then try to drink 3 beers and one rum and coke, you get the picture. Also, I have yet see anyone get more attractive when they are drunk, so think about that if you want to see the inside of her apartment later on.

Don't make my mistake: I have been in fights while I have been drunk, but for the most part I am a pretty happy and jovial drunk. I also like to talk alot, which was my ultimate downfall in the following situation. I was on a date with a particular young lady and I got shitfaced. So Shitfaced that I began telling her how my "ex-girlfriend was a bitch" and "how I cheated on her." Then I told her how she had "baby making hips" and that I wanted to give her a pearl necklace in the worst way.(Not the kind you get from your local jeweler) Let's just say that my number was taken off of her speed dial after that.

5. Fellas, Girls really do like assholes: Not all girls like assholes, and I know that the wonderful women who read my blog probably don't, but many women do. I don't even mean to say that "women like assholes" as it being a good thing, it is kind of sad actually. I speak from experience because I couldn't tell you how much women like the fact that I am a insufferable prick. I have actually told women to stay away from me, that I am a asshole, and that I might end up fucking their life up. The usual response is, "You're funny, here's my number." This one time I was with Danny and I was cursing out the bartender because of something he said to me. Moments later I realized that I had misunderstood him and was about to apologize, but this girl liked how I "handled myself" and wanted to know if I would call her. She just heard me call a grown man belittling names and she finds that attractive?? What the fuck?!! Ladies, if a guy tells you he is bad news it is probably good advice to listen to him.