Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Inside the Actors Studio

(Opening Credits begin, theme music playing while they show pictures of actors who have previously been on the show.)

(Camera pans in on a seated James Lipton)

James Lipton: Tonight Ladies and Gentlemen, in the first time in The Acting Schools History, we will be exploring the life and blog career of a young man named HumanityCritic. He has been blogging since September 2004, and in that time he has made people love him, hate him, and he has even gotten death threats. We at the acting school had to have him on, besides, he slid me a few bucks to be here so a little extra loot in a brother's pocket never hurt. I introduce to you, the HumanityCritic.

(Crowd applauds)

(HumanityCritic emerges from backstage, with both of his hands raised in the air for victory. The ladies in attendance start throwing underwear, which excited HC, but he freaks out when one particular pair lands on his face)

HumanityCritic: Eww Gross.(The next several minutes is spent with HumanityCritic wiping him self with handiwipes)

(HumanityCritic finally sits down)

James Lipton: What kind of pimp does that??

HumanityCritic: The kind that is a germaphobe, get on with questions jackass!

James Lipton: It says here that you were born in Hawaii on August 31st, 1973. You have two older siblings, both 10 and 11 years your senior. How was it being the youngest child?

HumanityCritic: I thought we were going to talk about my blog?? Ok, it was fine. I love my siblings dearly, but being the "little brother" can suck because you always struggle to get your voice to be heard. I think that one of the many reasons why I am so "in your face" is from that desire to be heard as a child.

James Lipton: Interesting..What does the song "Mr. Big Stuff" mean to you??

HumanityCritic: Hee-hee. My mother said when I was a baby that every time that Jean Knight song came on that I would start dancing around wildly, smiling from ear to ear. The embarrassing part is that to this day my mother will randomly hold my hands like a baby and scream out "Mista' Big Stuff, who do you think you are!! Mista Big Stuff." The main reason I don't think I will ever get married is because my mother said that she would do that in front of my future wife. She also said, by the way, that she will tell my future wife that I used to be a "titty baby"! Yep, I'm never getting married.

James Lipton: Damn, Freud would have a field day with you. I say that because in your blog you have expressed a certain affinity for titties and..

HumanityCritic: Lets move this shit along shall we!!

James Lipton: The next thing I wanted to ask you is..(a production assistant whispers something in Mr. Lipton's ear. He gets up, says "Excuse me", and leaves the stage momentarily)

(HumanityCritic grabs James Lipton's question sheet, begins scribbling something on it, and quickly sets it back down on the desk)

(James Lipton returns)

James Lipton: OK, my bad. Where were we?(looking down at his question sheet) HumanityCritic, how does it feel to have a twelve inch penis?? Hey!! This isn't one of my questions!!

HumanityCritic: Ha-ha Just giving you a little shit Jimmy baby!

James Lipton: It says here that after you were born your family moved to Philadelphia. Then, in 1979, where did your family move to??

HumanityCritic:(stands up out of his chair, pumps his fist and says) Virginia Beach, Virginia Baby, represent!!

(crowd erupts. All you see is 20-something acting students, taking off their sweaters to expose t-shirts saying "Virginia is for lover's" on them)

HumanityCritic: That's what I'm talking about!!

James Lipton: Will you sit your black ass down!! Jesus man.

HumanityCritic: OK, OK. Damn you are touchy today!

James Lipton: Lets get to your blog. On October 8th 2004, you wrote an interesting piece that not only involved politics but it also involved Hip hop culture. In it you had yourself challenging George Bush to a freestyle battle in front of the White House. That piece was called 'Live from the White House: Rap Battle: Bush vs. the HumanityCritic"

(crowd applauds, HumanityCritic smiles in acknowledgment)

James Lipton: Is it true that you got death threats in your email when you posted anything anti-Bush

HumanityCritic: Yes, that's true.

James Lipton: Wow! A very interesting piece that I liked was your April 20th post where you wrote a fictitious future account of your past love life entitled "HumanityCritic's tell all Autobiography(Circa 2033)" (crowd applauds) I mean, I wish that I could bend Mariah Carey over also.. I bet she tastes like pure heaven!

HumanityCritic: Hey-Hey!! That's too much goddamn information Jim!

Jams Lipton: Excuse me, I just want to give Mariah a serious mustache ride. Know what I mean Critic??

HumanityCritic: I get it, I get it. lets move on..

James Lipton: OK.. HumanityCritic is the first person that has been on this stage, that has had something that he published actually used in High Schools across America. This particular piece, on a personal level, is important because it stopped me from calling my black friends "Dawg" and asking them ignorant questions. This piece, written on May 25th, 2005 is entitled "A complete Idiots Guide to having a Black Friend"

(Crowd gives HC a standing ovation)

HumanityCritic: You guys liked that shit? If yall actually knew that I wrote that over a stripper named Cinnamon's house after a night of heavy drinking, while sitting in a sea of one dollar bills that she had made the previous night that were on her bed, you wouldn't be that impressed. But thank you all.

James Lipton: I have also noticed that a running theme in your blog is Hip Hop, is that correct?

HumanityCritic: You bet your sweet ass Jim.

James Lipton: You have talked about your favorite groups, favorite male MC's and Female MC'S, and the wackest MC'S. Your love for Hip Hop is inspiring.

HumanityCritic: Thanks..

James Lipton: This part of the show, is where I ask the guest 10 questions which originated from my hero Bernard Pivot. HumanityCritic, what is your favorite word?

HumanityCritic: Titties..

James Lipton: What is your least favorite word?

HumanityCritic: Shaq

James Lipton: What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?

HumanityCritic: The small of a woman's back, hot dirty sex, or playing a Sade album

James Lipton: What turns you off?

HumanityCritic: That would have to be either racism, or women that don't give head.

James Lipton: What is your favorite curse word?

HumanityCritic: Unequivocally, it would have to be "Motherfucker!" (crowd laughs) Let me explain how I say it. I don't ever call someone "Muthafucka'" because I don't want them to ever think i was using it as a term of endearment. My black ass says "Motherfucker", "er" and all, so you know that I mean it in a negative way.

James Lipton: What sound or noise do you love?

HumanityCritic: A Pete Rock bassline, or a DJ premier beat. Oh, my mothers voice, I love her so much.

James Lipton: What sound or noise do you hate?

HumanityCritic: George Bush rambling, Bill O'Reilly being a douche.. I can't forget car horns!

James Lipton: What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

HumanityCritic: A lawyer, I would love to help people who couldn't afford proper counsel. Or a porn star, but I don't think people would be interested in 2 minute porn movies though.

James Lipton: What profession would you not like to do?

HumanityCritic: I would hate to be a entertainment reporter, or work at Entertainment Tonight. I mean, who gives a fuck about Britney being pregnant or who Tom Cruise is fucking? I don't give a shit! Or, I would hate to be the guy who mops up porn theaters. That shit is disgusting man.

James Lipton: If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

HumanityCritic: I think God would say, "HumanityCritic, when I made you I broke the mold son!! Hey, Aliyah and Left Eye have been waiting for you dude, and they are getting a little frisky.. If you know what I mean.."

James Lipton: We know exactly what you mean! HumanityCritic, your students..

(Next you see HumanityCritic seated in front of the students. They begin to ask him questions)

Female Student: Hello HumanityCritic. I'm not trying to be mean, but this month alone we had Jude Law, Johnny Depp, and Robert DeNiro come here. I don't understand why people are clapping, who gives a shit about your silly ass and your stupid blog?

HumanityCritic: Sit your ass down Harlot! Next Question.

Random female student: Yes HumanityCritic, I liked that Coffee-shop post by the way.

HumanityCritic: Thanks.

Random Female Student: Do you think that people who read your blog, will think that you are an arrogant asshole, because you have just had an entire fictitious post where you give praise to your own work? Don't you think you will look like a douchebag?

HumanityCritic:(stares off into space, then suddenly tears off his microphone and runs off stage)

(crowd applauds)

(closing credits)


Singing said...

ROTFLMAO You are going to get my ass fired. *hollering*

totolehero said...

more i read you i can't tell if i really like you or you're a douche yourself... ;)
love your creativity though for sure !!!
i wish i can write half as well as you..
cheers !

DaKelzz said...

"Unequivocally, it would have to be "Motherfucker!" (crowd laughs) Let me explain how I say it. I don't ever call someone "Mutherfucka'" because I don't want them to ever think i was using it as a term of endearment. My black ass says "Motherfucker", "er" and all, so you know that I mean it in a negative way."


*awaiting the date the book will be published*

Nikki said...

LOL, I swear you musta been eating paint chips or something as a child.

Amadeo said...

I'm waiting for the PTI interview where you bash Shaq and teach Kornheiser some new slang. Plus I want to see if he'll say you're "his boy".

SP said...

Mr. Big Stuff? That's cute and so much better than my Dad sharing naked baby pictures of me with my dates. He always wonders why he never gets to meet anyone...

Jdid said...

all i can do is laugh

FantasyFootballGuru said...

Priceless. Are you a writer by trade?? Just wondering because your gblog is the best written out there.

Anonymous said...

You made me spill my drink!! You funny bastard!

I am Jack said...

It seems that we have another classic here. Where in the fuck do you get this shit???

SMW said...

Oh my Lord!

CaffeineDiva said...

There should be some kind of study done to figure out where in the hell your mind comes up with this stuff! I swear.
Please write a book, I would buy a copy for all my friends.

ASouthernGirl said...

Oh my God, Can I just listen to you talk and rant for hours? I can't quit laughing. Wonderful stuff.

JustDes said... are crazy....

Kevin B said...

playing a Sade, damn yes!....making two minute porn movies, hell no!...You keep delivering the goods, HC, keep it up, Virginia boy!

PaintingChef said...

Note to self: You MUST MUST MUST stop reading HC's blog if you are ever drinking a beverage of any form or fashion. You are starting to make a mess with the laughing and the spewing of the beverages.

IsLifeLame said...

"Bill O'Reilly being a douche"

is there a side of O'Reilly I haven't seen?

lindsay-lee said...

Oh my goodness I can't stand you! Why do I always think I can read your blog while I am at work without laughing my ass off. Once again, so great, and so creative!

Miss_Vicki said...

Well shit, I don't have all day to sit around and read this shit - but the part I did get to read was funny as hell!

Mark said...

You are off the hook!! Funny as hell.

Mighty MaMa said...

Well I am totally flattered I got a comment from you! Your quite the blogging babe. I'll be checking in with you daily.

melette said...

That was too funny. You are hella creative, HC.

Random Vixen said...

Very impressive, glad I stopped by. I will be back.

KentuckyShade said...

As credits roll up the screen

James Lipton: And now we'll take a few closing comments from the audience.

Skinny, slob of a student, stands up, grabs the mic at an angle

First of all I just wanna give a shout out to the HC, cuz my boy has mad skillz, know what I'm sayin? I mean he's like Spike Lee meets Woodie Allen, except that the HC didn't end up knockin boots with his foster kid, know what I'm sayin?

beeping noise

Anyway I just wanted everyone out here to know...

beeping noise, kid looks at his belt, then pulls up a pager

WTF? Man, I told her to stop fckin pagin me like 2 weeks ago....

Silence as crowd stares at kid.

Oh,hold up...Aww yeah baby!

kid looks up at camera and grins

Um...Aaanyway, so like I was sayin, the HC is the shit.
My bad Jimmy man, I gotta jet.

throws mic across crowd and then pushes his way toward exit

Camera pans back onto Lipton

James Lipton (laughing): Well you saw it all here. Apparently our show is still no match for an old fashioned booty call. Good night folks.

Screen fades to black

Bullet Proof Diva said...

Good stuff HC! Why do I giggle when you use douchebag!?

Davey said...

LOL.. That was pure comedy.

kev fan said...

That was definitely a good read. You have skills bro.

Butta said...

CTHU! This was my first visit here and after this it won't be my last. You need professional a good way of course.

Hale McKay said...

In a word, hillarious! Let me save space and "ditto" the other 27 commentors! Will be back to read some of your other posts - will remember not be sipping a coke while reading.

coley said...

Hey there HC!!! Your blog is always so damn long, but is ALWAYS worth the read! Any other long ass blog, I skim through or just don't read at all! Thanks for laughs again!!!

Oh and 12 inches? For real????

NML said...

Absolutely fantastic post and I can't wait to read some of your others. I will definitely be back. You're actually only the 2nd black guy I have come across whilst blogging!

Guessaurus said...

This is way cool .. genius even. I can see it happening for real :)

I even got to read some of your older stuff... LMAO

Elizabeth said...

That was seriously funny, but what did I expect from a fellow Virginian? Of course it was funny!


peachy said...

The VA is for lovers shirts cracked me up.

Great post. :)

Kevin B said...

Hey HC and all you other crazies out there, just kicked off a Taking A Walk on the Wild Side discussion, and you're just the folks to contribute. If you get time, stop on by!

piranha said...

okay here the obligatory comment of piranha: dude, you are a douchebag who is aware of what he is doing so it s all good and fun. there is a douchebag in all of us so thats why so many like it. you have a good mix of hating on others on your blog and praising yourself but also hating yourself (the girlfriend thing) and all this in a very witty and funny and hilarious gorgeous way that you probably have, what we in german call 'narrenfreiheit' which means as much as the freedom of a clown.
and clown is not pejorative.

piranha said...

oh and by the way, its cute how male you are. titties? okay, i love them too! hehe. but 12 inches? damn. why do guys consistently cling to this assumption that seize plays a role at all? as long as it is in the range of normal everything is fine. too big is bad too small is bad. and also, it s not about the seize but about the width and about how you fucking make use of your tools. and i don't mean only your special friend obviously ;-)

Beans said...

So yeah I just spent the past two hours of work on your blog... I wouldnt have spent it any other way.

**FIRE** said...

From the cutting room floor:

Female Student: Okay, so you're a movie buff? I take it then, you've seen or at least heard of the movie Win a Date with Tadd Hamilton. Okay *giggles* So how do I win a date with YOU HumanityCritic? *batts eyes*

Garoo said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
abbababba said...

Nice use of the word harlot...very nice!!!

BLESSD1 said...

Dawg...I can't even front. Since I was introduced to your blog, productivity levels at the job have definitely taken a dip. Oh well...I'll still get paid (MY inner douchbag leaking out!LOL!) usual, excellent post. Keep up the awesome writing

Belle said...

You are a fucking idiot. An idiot who cracks me up.

Running2Ks said...

Perfectly Fabulous! Buck Fush :)