Friday, June 17, 2005

Dating Tips from a Guy who is monumentally bad at it.

You read the title correctly, it says "..from a guy who is monumentally bad at it", your eyes aren't deceiving you. I'll put it like this, there are plenty of dating experts who want to give you the "sure fire" steps to dating so you will be successfull. The problem with that is that those experts are usually very attractive, so attractive that they could walk up to somebody, goosestepping, and reading Adolf Hitlers "Mien Kampf" and still get a date. Those bastards aren't to be trusted, so why don't you look at your boy the HumanityCritic to give you some rogue-like advice. I figure that learning from my mistakes is the best way to gain the advantage in this rough dating world.

1. A Girls best friend: Even though a guy's best friend plays a integral part, it isn't the same as a girls best friend. A buddy can tell me "how much he doesn't like my girlfriend", and that "she is all wrong for me", but if her ass is good in bed, doesn't cheat, and makes a great sandwich, his stupid ass will get ignored with a quickness. It is my personal experience that women put more stock in their best friend's opinion than men do. When you meet the "best friend" just remember that you are basically auditioning, so act natural. If you ignore her friend completely then you will blow it. If you show her too much attention she will think you are phony, and you will still blow it. Also, be aware that everything you do will be monitored like you have been spied on by a security camera. Her silly ass will notice if you pay the bill or not, pull the chair for your date, interrupt alot, you name it her friend is checking it out.

Don't make my mistake: One time I was on a date where we were going to meet one of her friends. We get to the bar where her friend is at and we had a pretty good time, that is until the "friend" got drunk. She started telling me "how I wasn't right for her", and that "she could do better." I sat through that barrage for minutes, just excusing the fact that she was drunk. Then I couldn't take anymore and I think I called her a dirty whore, or something like that, and told her if she said another word that I was going to pour a pitcher of beer on her. Lets just say that that act of defiance didn't endear me to my date that night. In hindsight I should of just rode out the abuse for some effort-free sex from my date that night.

2. Eyes on the Prize: Maybe because I am observant, or I am looking out for some dude that I previously knocked out to even the score, but my eyes tend to wander whenever I am on a date. I really don't check out other chicks because I know how rude that is, but the woman I am with doesn't buy the whole "I am just observant" rant. Fellas, nothing will deny you a second date faster than a guy who can't keep his eyes from wandering around the room.

Don't make my mistake. I was out with a woman one time on a very nice date at a upscale restaurant. It was kind of uptight for my taste but I thought I would ignore my tree-hugging sensibilities and just enjoy myself. I remember laughing with my date about the people in attendance because of the way they acted. You had women wearing fur coats in the dead of summer, and they were laced with expensive jewelery like they were going to the academy awards or something. I never thought my eyes would wander to another woman that night, that is until this sister comes walking in with a tight red dress. I mean, you could see every dimension of her body, and dirty thoughts filled my mind. I guess my mouth was wide open, because my date had to not only call my name 4 times, but physically slap the shit out of me. For some reason, from that point on, we didn't laugh and joke the same way we were earlier that night.

3. Sex on the first date: Ladies, simply, don't do it. That is my advice to you. I know you want to be "I am woman hear me roar" and shit, but the simple fact is that if you gave it to me on the first night your status might get bumped down from "Wifey" to "Booty-call". I know, there are evil double standards out there but I guess that's life.(Hey, on average women live longer than men so stop bitching) Men, on the other hand, if a woman offers it on the first night, by all means get yourself a piece of patch. Listen, I had a friend tell me, "HC, she wanted to have sex the first night but I didn't want her to feel like a slut for giving it up on the first night." What the fuck? She already offered you the meal, just because your ass didn't eat doesn't mean that she didn't cook it.

Don't make my mistake(which I am still making): Assuming that a woman is as loose as Vanessa Del Rio's bed-springs just because she gave it up on the first night is foolish. OK, on average she probably is, but to generalize is always dangerous. I went out with a woman who was an artist, brilliant, and a lot of fun. We went out on our first date, and right after said date I was looking at the beautiful paintings she had painted on her ceiling, as she moaned between my intoxicated thrusts. I made the mistake of treating her like a glorified "booty-call" after that and she had so much more to give. Her words keep ringing in my head till this day, "I should have never fucked you on the first night!"

4. Try not to get shitfaced: If you are a alcoholic, try to keep that shit secret until the 5th date. Nothing will make your date more uneasy on a first date than a guy who is arguing with other patrons, and throwing up on her sexy new dress that she wore that night. I always tell people to drink whatever gets you "tipsy", not drunk. If 4 beers and 4 rum and cokes gets you pissy, then try to drink 3 beers and one rum and coke, you get the picture. Also, I have yet see anyone get more attractive when they are drunk, so think about that if you want to see the inside of her apartment later on.

Don't make my mistake: I have been in fights while I have been drunk, but for the most part I am a pretty happy and jovial drunk. I also like to talk alot, which was my ultimate downfall in the following situation. I was on a date with a particular young lady and I got shitfaced. So Shitfaced that I began telling her how my "ex-girlfriend was a bitch" and "how I cheated on her." Then I told her how she had "baby making hips" and that I wanted to give her a pearl necklace in the worst way.(Not the kind you get from your local jeweler) Let's just say that my number was taken off of her speed dial after that.

5. Fellas, Girls really do like assholes: Not all girls like assholes, and I know that the wonderful women who read my blog probably don't, but many women do. I don't even mean to say that "women like assholes" as it being a good thing, it is kind of sad actually. I speak from experience because I couldn't tell you how much women like the fact that I am a insufferable prick. I have actually told women to stay away from me, that I am a asshole, and that I might end up fucking their life up. The usual response is, "You're funny, here's my number." This one time I was with Danny and I was cursing out the bartender because of something he said to me. Moments later I realized that I had misunderstood him and was about to apologize, but this girl liked how I "handled myself" and wanted to know if I would call her. She just heard me call a grown man belittling names and she finds that attractive?? What the fuck?!! Ladies, if a guy tells you he is bad news it is probably good advice to listen to him.

39 comments:

Who am I? said...

The moral of the story: Both men and women are bumbling, clueless, animal-brained, dating idiots!

Beans said...

Those damn double standards.
Never give it up on the first date, ok. Never pass it up on the first date, hilarious. Youre so so right though, ive been in situations where the whole thing went sour after one night, and that aint right! (Yeah that was my attempt to channel Chris Rock in that damn president movie he made)

melette said...

I don't like assholes, I just seem to attract them for some reason. good tips.

Amadeo said...

I feel that last one I know alot of decent sistas and they usually date assholes...and won't believe it when I tell them. Luckliy I don't say I told you so.

Anonymous said...

What's a pearl necklace?

Maya's Brother said...

OG advice:

Stop giving this shit away for free. If you haven't written a book, do that shit. You already have put yourself in the mindset of writing everyday, and your pieces are well thought out and usually funny.

The Man said...

The Man agrees with #4, however you'll find that if she's drunk you'll have a better chance at #3.

piranha said...

anonymous,
the pearlnecklace is many many potential babies (well half of them) around your neck ;-)

critic, you are right with not having sex the first night, of course there are exceptions, but me for example, i fucked a potentially nice 'boyfriend' the first night and sadly enough our relationship was restricted to having sex ever since....and i can't stop this affair because i have the feeling there could be something more about it but somehow we never can repeat the nice 'getting to know each other ' procedure anymore, which is so exciting and fascinating if you only do it right....

great piece, i love it.
g

Monica said...

Oh, you men. If we didn't know that you'd think we're hoes for giving it up, you'd have to fight off the trim thrown your way.

Rest assured that if you're with a fine woman that some guy wants for himself--he thinks YOU'RE the asshole.

Kevin B said...

HC, You've got to endure years of hard training to get over that "I'm just observant" thing. My first wife had me so well trained from multiple head-slap beatdowns while I was driving in Hawaii (lots of scantily clad joggers there) that you could have put the entire Dallas Cheerleaders squad running bare-ass naked down the side of the road and my head wouldn'tn have swiveled an inch. But I sure was thankful for dark sunglasses and peripheral vision.

muffin said...

i don't care if my date looks. but look and keep on movin. don't get fixated for goodness sake. we both love to look. sometimes i catch MYSELF looking to hard!

Jdid said...

I dont think I've learned lesson 2 yet lol

Cynthia said...

I've heard women say that they don't want a man that is too nice. They will run over them. I don't understand that philosophy. As for sex on the first date thing, when I was dating, it would be a month before I decided I even liked a person enough to even consider having sex with him. It is good to know, what men think about sex and first dates.

NML said...

Very good, if not a little frightening post ;-) That whole sex on the first date thing is a complete double standard but sadly true. Very rarely does screwing on the first date turn into a relationship. #5 is what I refer to as Bastard Syndrome - a hell of a lot of women suffer with it. Women have this belief that they can be the one to change one of these guys lives. When you tell them you're no good, that turns them on. They sense danger and drama but they also think that they have something that will cure that behavior - so many dillusional women.... and then some poor 'Nice Guy' has to pick up the pieces later. I can't believe you said that about the pearl necklace! Hilarious!

SoSadiStic said...

So, that girl wanted your number? hmm. Its girls like that you need to watch out for. She is probably crazy. Either that or she is looking for a toy to play with. Some people need drama in their lives to have something to talk about.

coley said...

I loved this post!!!!

So ummm, when's the release date of the book??? You know you would sell out in a heart beat right?

I loved when you said "Not all girls like assholes, and I know that the wonderful women who read my blog probably don't, but many women do."

Good way to not offend your readers... Cause most of us are women! LOL!

GREAT POST HC!!!

Mariposa said...

Critic,

Nice post, but I have to disagree with you on one thing: guys lacking respect for a girl who gives it up on the first night. Most likely, she isn't doing it to impress you. Maybe she's doing it because she WANTS to, and your ass is just along for the ride (no pun intended). I know there are plenty of men into the whole double-standard thing, and I'm sure you're not above asking for it the first night or at the very least hinting at getting some. I did think you were above the double-standards though. That's OK, though. After all, I just read your blog. Roll on.

SP said...

"She already offered you the meal, just because your ass didn't eat doesn't mean that she didn't cook it."

LOL. I swear, people at work think I'm crazy for always laughing at my desk. But you are right, sex on the first date is definitely a sign no one is thinking about long term potential. And that girlfriend thing, I can't believe that some girls put that much weight into their friends opinions. I mean, I care about my friends opinions and all, but I've seen some of the men they go out with...

echolalia said...

sometimes we'd rather be one-nighters than wifeys. you seem to be really hard on the latter so that'd be a good gameplan, i think. how many women would have been relieved to only get a night or two of (good? decent?) sex out of you and not the whole "monumentally bad" package?

and we're emotionally blind as bats and would insist over and over to dissaproving friends "you just don't know him! he's very quiet about his emotions". women just like to believe they trust their friends' opinions.

.....that "meal" business was very vague.. but then i'm very white.

miyna said...

Maya's brother is right. If you won't allow yourself to be commercially published (and for crying out loud, why not?), get your brownish butt over to CafePress.com, or even BlogBinders.com, and publish your-damn-self. You've got quite the following here, so you know you've got readers.

Dammit, what are you waiting for? I'll buy one - who's with me?

Oh, and the post? Love it, as always.

piranha said...

i m with you may and the funny thing is i even don't really know why. it wouldnt be so much reasoable but a very emotional decision to buy such a book :-)

Katie said...

About sex on the first date...
I do agree that for a long term relationship it does not really work. Also, some fun parts about relationships are going slow with the foreplayish acts and building up to sex.

Nevertheless, if you recognize that the guy is no "husbandy", than why would you want to be a "wify". Instead, if you find the guy attractive or sexy, you could just have a night of hot and erotic sex. Some of the best sex I have had is from that-- and there are no strings attatched!

Katie

Ludicrousity said...

Well how does one respond to a post like that?! I must say that I have not experienced anything you've written about. I haven't dated a lot of guys and when I do, I never sleep with them (yes I know you'll all think I'm nuts, but I am a virgin by choice). So yeah, I must say that I'm not looking for a jerk, but a lovely guy who will be in love with me and who I can love in return.

Guessaurus said...

Hmmm, good points, straight from the horse's mouth eh?

Well, the waiting is all good, and I have done my share of waiting for the sex. But, what about when you get down to it and it's not up to scratch. First time, acceptable, second time. ?? Anytime after that, well, find someone to teach you the basics dude...

Afromusing said...

Dear Critic,
You sir, are hilarious.
Sincerely, Afromusing.

CaffeineDiva said...

Critic,
As a fellow bad dater I must say that you make VERY valid points. As a reformed "free love" girl, I seldomly pursued long term relationships, therefore, I used to give up the love box fairly early in the game. By the time I thought there could be more, I was stuck in the booty call category with no way out. So waiting is a good idea... it helps you know the person on a better level & your whole relationship doesn't revolve around whether to give a pearl necklace or not!
Great post as usual
I think I might be your biggest fan!
Oh, and if you happen to get shitfaced on a date... try not to grab at the boobies. That will set back progress ;)~

spencer said...

well said, except the sex on the first date thing.
sex on the first date is the hottest.
just say yes.

cera said...

wow critic,
another thing you shouldve mentioned is never ever ever say youre gonna be somewhere and not show up. very bad dating karma! being stood up makes one feel neglected, dejected and just overall sucky!

abbababba said...

nice..."I have actually told women to stay away from me, that I am a asshole, and that I might end up fucking their life up"...Damn, I surely wish guys would be up front up that, or maybe spit that out with all the other usual garbage that's part of their "game"...matter fact I should use that line and stop spitting out bs myself!!?!

Noelle12 said...

I like assholes...and it just makes my life so muc worse! *sigh*

ShellyP said...

Maybe women like a'holes because at least then they know what they're getting. With 'nice' guys to takes effort to determine if they're truly sincere or a'holes in sheeps clothing.

SooHK said...

Good post .... and definitely good advice... hahaha

DaKelzz said...

I keep telling myself that this man needs to get paid for this advice...

Well thought out...

Funny as hell....

GET PAID DUDE!!

Great post and even better advice!! LOL

BLESSD1 said...

Damn...just when I thought I was the only one who was monumentally bad on dating! LOL! Keep up the excellent writing man

Mala said...

You're related to Gunner aren't you...? He's an insufferable prick I think that translates into fantastic asshole. However, assholes make the world an interesting place n'est pas?

Dayrell said...

Ok. The girl's best friend one was DEFINITELY on point. Nice post. lol.

MikiFicki@the_yah said...

Ummm...do the same 'rules/guidelines' apply if your lady's best friend is a heterosexual male?

roguesun said...

Hey

What's this stopping at 5 shit?

You've got some more writing to do, brother.

puresincerity said...

You are on point in my eyes. I don't totally agree with the notion about no sex on the 1st date though. It all about chemistry for the most part. Im not saying that its always in the best interest but it worked out for me in a few accasions. You only live once, but be careful, use your best judgement