Saturday, February 05, 2005

A Bitch Is a Bitch..


Bitch: n 1. A female dog or other canine animal. 2.Slang. a A Spiteful woman b. a lewd woman

Ladies relax, in no way is this post directed at you. The word bitch is commonly used in various forms of entertainment, and from men who frequently find pleasure in calling women out of their name. Have I ever called a woman a "bitch"? Sadly yes. But it has been years since I have engaged in such disrespect. Ok, that's a lie. When that chick called Iraqi's "Sand Niggers" in a bar room conversation I did tell her boyfriend that he should "put a leash on his bitch". But that's it. Ok, I lied again. When I was at a bar with a friend of mine he was interested in a woman who was sitting with her friends. I tried to warn him that approaching her in front of her friends was a mistake, but he refused my advice. He is a very nice guy, who wouldn't hurt a soul, so I began to get pissed off when the three ladies started joking my friend and calling him a lard ass. He came back to our table looking totally hurt. So, being the friend that I am and a certified asshole, I decided I would defend his honor. When I walked over to the table I was shocked to notice that these women were "big boned." Hey, I love me some healthy women, and I am a brother packing on a few extra lbs myself, but these women were in no position to call anyone a "lard ass". So after I said to them, "You bitches look like The Weather Girls, I keep expecting yall to sing "It's Raining men" and shit.", they weren't too pleased. On top of that it seems that one of them was a Hip Hop Fan because after I called them "The Disco Three" I thought that they wouldn't get the obscure reference. But one of them did and said "That's fucked up!"(The Disco Three was the original name for The Fat Boys) OK, Now THAT's It.. But the past few years I have used the term "bitch" to describe members of the male species. I searched high and low and I couldn't find a single dictionary that defines the word "bitch" the way that I use it. Here are some examples of men that personify the term "Bitch"

Catholic School Crushes:(1984) For about a two year time I went to Catholic School, St. Gregory's. I don't know what is wrong with me, but as long as I remember I have been a downright pervert. There was this puertorican girl that I had a crush on named Rosa, and to me she was the embodiment of beauty. You know you have a crush on someone when you write bad poems about them.(Bad meaning Bad not Bad meaning good) It came out that she liked me as well, so during recess we would talk and hold hands. Somehow it advanced to us kissing behind some bushes one day. I guess a beautiful Latina and catholic school uniforms do it for me. A classmate of ours name Greg saw us and told Sister Catherine. We were in a world of trouble, but I guess at that time the "getting beaten by a ruler" days were over. Greg, wherever you are, YOU ARE A BITCH!

Ray, you jealous bastard!:(1994) I had a friend named Ray who was going into the service. He was recently engaged, so for some reason he wanted me to become friendly with his fiancee since I was his "good friend". He said that he gave her my number and that he wanted me to check up on her. I said cool, with no intentions on ever seeing her face to face. She called a couple times, nice girl, 97%of the conversation was about Ray, it was cool. Then the girl informs me that Ray wants to kick my ass. What!!? Apparently, since the fiancee was living with Ray's mother, the mother filled Ray's head up and convinced him that I was fucking his fiancee. I had never seen this girl face to face!! I informed the girl that Ray knows where I live and that I would beat the shit out of him. Later, Ray apologized and said that he was "going through" something at the time. I excepted the apology but our friendship was never the same. Ray, YOU ARE A BITCH!

A bitch and a bar room brawl:(1997) My boy Jack was getting married so a group of us were celebrating at a bar one night because he didn't want a bachelor party. Apparently, a ex-boyfriend of Jack's fiancee was in the bar and was looking for trouble. He was talking about "killing" my boy right there and then. Since Jack can't fight I tried to diffuse the situation by separating the two of them, but that guy wasn't having any of that. *Pow* He caught me right in my eye, but as soon as I squared up the bouncers threw our ass outside. While we were outside, the guy tried to scare me by saying that he was a Navy Seal, trained in various forms of martial arts, and that he could "kill me in three moves." That might of scared most people but that doesn't work on me. Not because I'm tough, but because I think I am crazy. We squared up and I caught him with a upper cut and I blasted him in the nose. He went down holding his nose saying "I think you broke it!." He then said that he was calling the cops on me and that I was in "Big trouble." All that talk... Disgruntled ex-boyfriend, YOU ARE A BITCH!

The Bitch of the Year goes to..:(2003) I was in a relationship for 5 years, it didn't work out, that's life. About two years after our breakup my ex calls me and says "I heard that you were cheating on me when we were together!." "Really", I said, "Who said that?." Apparently, this guy named Buck(Name is changed to protect the not so innocent, but his name rhymes with Buck)told her that he knew that I was cheating with a girl that he knew. Buck is a friend of hers and I know him on a "hi-bye" basis. Anyway, he claimed that he knew while it was going on. He gave her all these phony details, it was unbelievable. Here is my problem with what he said: 1) For one thing, I never cheated on her with the girl in question. 2) If he was a real friend, why didn't he tell her at the time that he "knew" that I was cheating? Was he scared to hurt her? Scared that I would want to fight him? Or lying? Hmm 3) Why in the fuck would you wait two years after the break-up to even say anything?? 4) If I actually did cheat, isn't there a "guy code" about those sort of things? Buck, wherever you are I have a message for you. You are undeniably a cowardly, weak willed, sit-when-you-pee, hand-in your testicles, BITCH!

27 comments:

Liza Valentino said...

This reminds me of St Louis where the radio station would have a Lil Jon "Bia!! Bia!!" check in" where folks could call in, tell of the person's indiscretions and call them a bitch on prime-time radio...ahhh, I miss that.

Lene said...

hahahahha. I love your stories. Those people are certified bitches on the real. I know a lot more female bitches than male bitches though. All I ever want to do is give them a kick in the ovaries. Damn wenches!

Jems said...

I laughed out loud reading that. I am so coming back for more of this goodness!

Ms. Audacity said...

Hey I found quite a few definitions for the word "bitch" on http://www.urbandictionary.com Just type in the word and I think you will find the one that you are thinking of... There are tons of other slang words that will have you crackin' up! Good job on the blog... I'll add you to my daily reads! Thanks for hittin' up my site.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=bitch&r=f

Miss Rei said...

I love the picture of the dog. Too cute.

BTW, I laugh when people call me a bitch. I know they wouldn't say it if it weren't the truth!!!

Poetry said...

You are a funny man. We think alike. You obviously have a great mind!

T.

plotty said...

"Put a leash on his bitch".. LOL yes you are indeed crazy! More of a reason for me to frequent this blog.

Di said...

Hey, sometimes a bitch is just a bitch and you have to call them out.

Thanks for stopping by my blog. Yours seems pretty interesting, so I read on :)

Sasu...aka Balsera said...

Life is in actual fact a bitch tooo......

LB said...

Wow man, this was sooooo funny. It reminded me of the time when I heard my dad on the phone calling some man a "lil ole bitch." It was even funnier when I realized that he was talking to a fellow deacon of his church. Great blog.

Mary said...

lol @ the Weather Girls.

Um rhymes with "Buck"? WTF? Duck? Fuck? Huck? Luck? Muck? Puck?

Hey, is he that guy from Real World - San Francisco?

Jdid said...

your boy ray had issues.

josie said...

i like to say bitch when people do some real out of time thing. but i like to use the "c u n t" word more.

greggy said...

another priceless post from the maestro...good reading. I know quite a few of the male persuasion myself and have repeatedley called them out when necessary...aint ntothing worde than a man acting that way though...

imiT said...

I'm laughing at the disgruntled boyfriend. He talked all that crap & whined like a girl. lol. Too funny.

Tha G Perspective said...

Yeah man that dude Greg was a bitch. I've met a few Bitches in my time too. I dig the post.

Sankofa said...

I had a roomie in college who would turn into an attack dog if anyone called her a bitch. Mind you, you could call her anything else, cuss out her momma and run over her dog. But call her a bitch? She went for the throat...literally. By the way HC...I know men who occasionally lean toward bitch-like tendencies. Yet, I still love him ;-)

Bridging The Dock said...

yup, that settles it -- i'm adding u to my list

Brother OMi said...

ha ha
you a fightin' mofo..
yo.. that's too funny.

the ill thing.. i know this Buck dude... lol

but man, i never could tell if you are a fighter. lol... you a gentle looking cat, i won't test you though.. but funny stories... way better than mine...

Tha G Perspective said...

BTW. Went back and read some previos blogs. I'm all over Sade and most of your Hip hop groups. My top ten would have been slightly different but that's cause I narrowly missed Epmd/BDP/RunDMC era.

Me said...

Always fightin' somebody ... need to try lovin somebody. lol

I want more detail about the "Navy Seal" ... did the cops show up?

And nothing rhymes with Buck. Buck is dumb on so many levels.

BronxGrlnVA said...

The Weather Girls......HILARIOUS.

gonebabygone said...

haha! HC, you crack me up!

Mo said...

I'm somehow wishing the actual folks in your stories could read this entry...HILARIOUS...thanks for sharing.

Schatzi said...

Thanks for stoppin by my spot.

Hey.. If it talks like a Bitch and walks like a Bitch.. It's a Bitch!!

Good post!

Yolie said...

Hold up! Hold up! I gotta get off the floor. rotflmao These were good, especially the Navy Seal wanna-be. lol

E to the dwige said...

That was too cute..ok maybe cute isn't a good word but LMAO at your use of the word bitch..maybe its just my group of friends but we use it freely for both men and women and its all just jokes..