Wednesday, February 16, 2005

A Idiots Guide To Cheating..

I know that this will be the most hated post I have ever written, especially from the females who view this blog. Let me apologize beforehand. OK, lets get down to business:

This post is dedicated to all the men who have ever cheated and been stupid about it. In no way do I condone cheating, and now that I'm older I see the cowardice in it. But I have had friends, 3 to be exact, come to me and tell me that they got caught recently. They shouldn't of cheated in the first place, but how stupid they were inspired me to write a guide for all the men who have ever been caught because of their utter stupidity..

1. I Don't want to meet your homegirl: If you are having a fling, meet as little of her associates/family as possible. It is one thing trying to avoid seeing the other woman when out with your main squeeze, but you don't want to worry about a shitload of siblings and yacking ass girlfriends.

2. Avoid any photo ops: For Christs sake, avoid being photographed with your "side thang". It is a small world, and for all you know she could be friends with your main girlfriends coworker, who happened to go to her house and see a picture of your dumb ass on the mantle. Avoid camera's.

3. Your brother is cool and all..: This goes to the main girlfriend or the fling..Don't be suckered in and befriend her brother, its a waste of time. I don't care how cool they are, because that one time at the club that you hang with him and you innocently flirt with a waitress he will go back and "dry snitch" that information quicker than Kobe Bryant snitched on Shaq.

4. Take both women to entire different places. This one is pretty obvious, but you would be surprised how many men take women to the exact same spots. I used to take dates to this restaurant that I liked. I took this one women there and the waiter comes back and says, "I'm glad that the both of you are back, its good to see you both." Problem with that is I had never taken her there before.

5.Keep your friends in the loop: When men are questioned they always blurt out some random friend that they were hanging with, assuming that his girl wouldn't check it out. But when she does check it out, your ass is officially caught. Plan shit out, inform your friend what the lie is in case she wants to verify your excuse. Women are better at this than men.

6.Different social circles: If your current girlfriend loves going to poetry slams, you might want to stay away from any fling that also loves going to poetry events.. They might have the same social circles and you will get caught quick-fast..

7.Keep you behavioral habits the same: Women can sense when her man is cheating, try to maintain the same routine that you have always kept. Any change in said routine and immediate red flags go up.

8.Think about changing your identity: If you have a common name like Joe or John it isn't really problematic. But if your name happens to be something uncommon like "Aluwishus" you might want to go by something more simple, in case your name is uttered someplace.(For example, when I was in college I was dating two Girls. One of the women went to buy me some jewlery from the other woman I was dating. They had a conversation about how funny it was that they both had a boyfriend named James, and I heard that same story from both of them later. If my name was "Aluwishus" I would of been caught..)

9. Keep the same sexual habits: If you are a pretty standard love maker, but all of a sudden you start pouring hot wax on chicks and bringing toys to the bedroom, your girlfriend will know something is up. Keep it the same and keep suspicions low.(Always, Always strap up!)

10.By all Means, Keep your mouth Shut!: The Biggest mistake guys have is they want to blab all of their sexual exploits to their buddies. This is problematic simply because your friends will go tell their girlfriend about your dirty deeds and you are as good as caught. Also, if your friend has a secret crush on your current girlfriend he will find a way to fuck your shit up..


Miki said...

Another one is spending habits. Especially if you guys live together. If money is missing and there is no reasonable explaination that can draw some questions. If there is any small question about anywhere some money went she will not forget. Don't blow it off like it's no big deal.

And when concocting an excuse as to your whereabouts try not to make it so lame. Really take your time and think up a good one. Women are suspcious by nature. Any woman can punch a million holes in an excuse if it isn't a good one.

Liza Valentino said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Liza Valentino said...

I don't hate you for this post... *takes out notebook and moves Humanity Critic's name from #2673 to #1 on my hit list*

LMAO@ the photo ops. That is SO true tho. Females are good for taking, carrying around and pulling out pictures!!

summer m. said...

also, keep the lies simple. the more elaborate the lie, the more quickly you get caught.

MsInsightful said...

your title is if anyone except an idiot would cheat.

Seriously though, most people get caught cheating because it's too difficult to keep up with all of the lies....

All of these things may be good for the average cheating couple but a selfish woman like me would spot it a mile away... LOL

summer m. said...

also, keep the lies simple. the more elaborate the lie, the more quickly you get caught.

Nikki said...

Here's one you forgot to add to the list..........Scents.

Don't come home smelling like Zest when you know all you have at your house is Levers. Women have a keen sense of smell. Anything out of the norm will be noticed. Better bathe in Levers at your cut buddy's place before you get home.

Mariposa said...

I agree with the other posters and of course with you. I'd be quite disturbed if I found out my man was cheating, and no doubt his ass would be out, but it would be a hell of a lot worse to also realize that I have been wasting time dating a dumb-ass.

peachy said...

There is nothing exciting about cheating, so if you really want to play games, break it off with the main girlfriend and be as freaky as you want to be. It's not worth it in the end.

tamrock said...

Another big one is the cell phone. We check them-often. We know your passwords. We check the bill for numbers called and at what times.

My advice if you are going to cheat is to get private, pay as you go phone just for your cut buddy. No bills, completely private and keep that phone on vibrate or off and don't bring it into the house. Don't save numbers on that phone and delete the incoming and last numbers dialed on the phone too. Use the key lock feature as well. Diligence is key here.

If you were truly crafty, you could say that because of your job (good for folks on call, IT folks, etc.) you are required to keep a separate "work" only line.

For the record I don't condone cheating but for those who indulge and want to keep their current relationship, do it the smart way so you won't hurt anybody.

tamrock said...

Also, you may want to be careful about washing up after you do the do, especially if you went straight from work to the cut buddy.

We expect you to smell "stale" (for lack of a better word). If you come home April fresh at 8pm and don't go to a gym, it will raise a big ass flag.

Baby wipes are multi purpose here.

IsLifeLame said...

Umm, yeah cheating whatever. I wouldn't do it... and off topic i've read that you're a devote hip-hop head so wanted to drop this link for you to check out if you haven't seen it. Oh ya, don't cheat!

Fresh! said...

I tried cheating *once*, way back in the, did I screw it up royally! I never attempted again...too much trouble. Thanks for the visit!

Vibes N Scribes

Anonymous said...

i got cheated on - never would i thought it would happen. i guess i'm not like most girls - i don't monitor phone calls/bills, didn't have the same social circle, didn't notice any changes/or thought it was 'us'. shit - i was an easy target!

cheating is so not necessary.

Mo said...

GREAT POST and still so necessary for the tons of idiots attempting to cheat.

One more to add to your list...cell phone and ringers although it was mentioned b4...folks dont assign ringers and if you do don't make it some love song that just gives the caller away. Also if your phone always rang b4 in public and all of a sudden you silence the ringer or put it on vibrate thats just asking for a BIG ASS RED FLAG to go up!

lis said...

this post was both funny, true and informative - I'm glad you stopped by so I could hit ya back.

You know, I used to have some very definitive thoughts on cheating - it's wrong, that's for sure. But now that I'm older, I've learned to never say what a person will or will not do. But I will say, if you are gonna do wrong, do it right... LOL

Bluu said...

A fine, fine post.

But Critic, never give disclaimers. You have nothing to apologize for with this post.

Toya said...

so see, these are just things that i will look for if my guy is cheating or something...interesting post tho...

Schatzi said...

I agree with the watching the scents and phone calls.

I once had a friend get suspicious over her man cheating because he came home, took off his shoes and the bottom of his socks were dirty. Fresh CLEAN socks in the morning don't just get dirty if you have your shoes on all day.

Funny thing is.. That suspicion led her to dig deeper into other things and she was RIGHT!

Miss Rei said...

LOL! Great post!

Now personally, I have never had a man cheat on me (trust me, I KNOW...I'm crazy like that), but if he did, I sure as hell hope he would go the lengths to make sure I didn't find out!!! I think you just helped out any guy who has a chick on the side and hasn't been too slick about it! LOL.

I guess those pointers would work for the ladies too, right??? Oh, wait...women don't cheat...*rolls eyes*


Ms. Blaize said...

*Shaking my head*
OMG!! Well what are we waiting for? Why don't we just tell them EVERY way we have to find out that their cheating??? Hell, why not just write the book for them. That way it'll be even harder to catch on and we won't know until we're up in the Dr.'s office infested with something or some female (or male for that matter) walks up on us and tells us how your man is in bed.
I swear, sometimes we women can be a little TOO helpful.

Lene said...

These are tips for guys and warnings for girls. Imma print this out and watch my man just in case he tries to be slick.

Sankofa said...

I love you Humanity Critic....

With that being said.... Ladies, not to worry. Despite HC giving this advice, keep this in mind:

1) I haven't met an idiot yet who reads...why would he be on-line looking at a blog?

2) For the rest of them, they either smart enough to already know all of this or too "Macho" to admit that they need on-line advice, which probably means they are fairly close to being an idiot and therefore may read this post, but not fully understand it and will get caught cheating anyway...


greggy said...

LOL...I couldn't help but notice the ratio of men versus women who responded to this post...Almost all were women...just goes to show you which gender seems to be on top of this more...LOL....

Heres one to add too:
Never ever, never ever come home with ripped clothing, scratch marks, bite marks, or suckie bites all over your axe and then try to pass it off as "I was playing b-ball with the boys!"...duh!!!

LaBella said...

Hi there!
Thanks for visiting my blog @
Ummm... in regards to your entry...

If I was a cheating dude, I'd definitely follow your advice. LOL
I mean, I think it applies to cheatin' women as well. LOL

Me said...

pretty funny. how come all of these women know how men should cheat?? lmbo.

lol. now you know if they are an idiot they still will do the same dumb stuff.

cheating isn't worth all of the lies and time-consuming cover-ups.

MzFlayme said...

Great post! Really, if you're going to cheat, don't treat the woman like she's an idiot. Make the lie and stealthiness at least a little creative.

I have to comment on the cell phone thing... I actually had an ex that put his password to his voicemail in his phonebook on his cell and named it Code. How fucking stupid can one person be? LOL

obifromsouthlondon said...

lol boy that one about keeping your friend in the loop? doesnt help if your boy is a dedicated weed smoker and suffers memory loss. Like come to your yard to visit a few hours after you've told dude to style like you'll be hanging out with him all night.

peace critic

Fran said...

Mmmmhmmm, so your the one giving the pointers huh? Pshhh, you should leave them to their own demise though! :oÞ


Brother OMi said...

Yo this was a very dope blog BUT:

1. i expected a good number of women to blast human critic to kingdom come. instead, i see a good number of women actually ADD on to what he said.. what is the world coming to?

2. One person even commented that most folks won't read it anyway. I agree that alot of people just don't read in this country BUT when the title reads "An Idiot's guide to cheating" believe me you, they will and prove? well check human critic's last post when only THREE people posted comments (the one about the Bush administrations inconsistencies when i comes to objective journalism)! but he posts this one and gets a record amount of comments..

3. has cheating become acceptable?

Jdid said...

Excellent post man. THis is better than the 10 crack commandments. lol

Oh and remember guys lie convincingly. remember it aint a lie if you believe it. dont be switching stories when the first lie dont work. as someone said make it believable and stick to your guns.

on another note had a homie who took both his women to the same boat cruise . dont know how he managed it but he survived without being thrown overboard. TO this day I think he's the man but its like stunts on tv dont try this at home.

Mata Hari said...

Really..the key to the ultimate sucessful cheating experience is partnership.

If you can find someone who is knows you got a man then PERFECT! Let it be known up front you are only looking for "companionship" and you are good to go.

If not then you need I feel the most critical element to cheating sucessfully is rules and boundaries. If you lay down rules across the board that NOBODY can violate then you are in the clear. For example....NEVER COME BEFORE YOU CALL! EVER! My excuse..I am not going to answer the door. Period.

One good time of beating him with a newspaper after breaking this rule quickly frees you up.

Two: Switch cars when creeping. Always puts you in the right place at the right time.

Three: INVEST IN TINT and STAY AWAY FROM PERSONALIZED PLATES...this gets you caught up more times that you ever could realize...

Four:...Still Waters Run Deep. In other words...the less you talk the less you have to get caught about. Just learn to be laid back and dont speak much if you know you are trifling.

Five: PUT IT DOWN AND adds crediabilty to your name if you are the bomb in bed when it comes to a "challenge" to your whereabouts. Romance before, not after, the deed is done. a woman is it sad that I can say such each his own...

SunShyn said...

I'm ROFLMAO at this post...I agree with tamrock, iselfra AND mata hari!!!

E to the dwige said...

This is a great post on several levels..
1) #7 I've been cheated on and the way I became suspicious enough to start digging is from #7

2) these are good tips for GF's to have so they can see the signs for what they are

3) these are also good signs to have if dude is cheating on his GF w/ you and didn't inform you of this.

Tricia said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Tricia said...

Oh...this is PRICELESS. I have been cheated on many times, and I think just about every last one of these things has been tried on me, anf found out. There really are a massive amount of idiots who swear they are players out there.'s one. It's freaking awesome and pretty much MANDATORY that you wear a condom while creeping, but at least make a rudimetary efforyt to wash your stuff before coming home and trying to get some from your girl, ESPECIALLY if you don't use condoms with said girl. Latex is a pretty strong smell. Oh, and even MORE especially if said girl is ALLERGIC to latex and you have to sit there trying to explain to her why her coochie suddenly swelled shut. *lmao*

Indigo Blue said...

This is plain irritating. Those who violate their partners through deception not only threaten their hearts, but gamble with their lives. Being caught is the best thing that could happen to everyone involved. Why are we all so terrifed of the truth? Life would be so much easier if we simply owned up to our desires.

The Marlo Girl said...

LADIES!WHY are we offering more tips on how to cheat effectively? i won't lie, i found this post just as amusing as the next gurl, but i damn sho ain't about to give a brother another tip on how to step out on his woman without getting caught...

shame on y'all!

: P

August said...

Figured out my lying-ass, cheating-ass, ex-boyfriend was cheating because of #7 and #9. Then, I caught him by hacking (into everything). Men, you will eventually get caught. Even if its years later, you will get caught...and nobody likes that part of the game.

Anonymous said...

I'm a guy, and I read through this post. I've no idea how ANY guy can pull anything over on you girls. Or maybe it's just my girl. Not that I would cheat, but even if I wanted to, I can't think of any fool-proof way to do it. Guess there really isn't one though. I mean... the biggest thing is unexplained absence. Where were you? The old "workin late" thing is lame. And all they gotta do is say.. umm "i called your work and you weren't there". And the extra cellphone for IT/oncall people doesn't work if you actually HAVE a 2nd cellphone for work. that means you'd have to have 3 phones. that just gets to be insane. And if there's anything I've learned over the years, is everyone knows everyone somehow. Connections are bound to be made.

I guess the one MANDATORY element would be the "other woman" would have to know the whole deal, and be fine with it. You can't scam two at once. 2 vs. 1 you gonna lose every time. too much to juggle. if you sidegirl is up on your whole story, and you're completely honest with her, then it can happen. but then it's like... why can you be totally honest with your sidegirl and not your maingirl.

The bottom line is wanting to cheat just indicated you're unhappy in your relationship, or you are just an idiot. Either way you owe it to your "maingirl" to let her go. Cheating can seem exciting, and the prospect of a new piece seems like christmas morning to most guys, but it fades. And you'll end up old, lonely, with a laundry list of STDs in the process.

Anonymous said...

Having cheated before most of these rules do apply however i disagree with most of your respondents. It takes a very smart peron to cheat regardless of gender and it takes an even smarter person to end said relationship. I have found it easiest to cheat or creep if you will. With people that i know very well preferably in my circle of friends I was married for 10 years before my first affair and found that most of my wifes friends were wanting me. Funny realy i wanted them to but thought it was just fantasy. If the girl friend knows the rules and you trust her it can be very good all of the woman that i have been with are still very good friends with my wife. what we know is between us. my #1 rule is tell no one all parties involved take it to grave dont tell your buddies they will fuck your shit up the first time something goes wrong. make sure the participant does the same loose lips sink ships. remember tell no one. its nobodys buisness.

Anonymous said...

I have cheated alot.

Only been busted once, and that was years ago.

My tips for successful cheating are.

1 - always use a prepaid number on your cellphone. When you want to break up with the piece of ass just dont use this number anymore.

2 - never tell them where you work, live or what your surname is. Make each conversation about them rather than about you. Most women respond well to a man that can listen, and funnily enough, turn on the mind and the body follows

3 - if you do have the woman in your car, check the seats for any hair, womens hair falls out all the time, you dont want to have a blonde hair on your seats headrest when your wife is a brunette

4 - always keep your women in different parts of the city

5 - if travelling for work go on to adult dating sites to meet comeone, no point going to a bar and wasting a lot of time trying to pick up, better to have something arranged.

6 - dont meet the friends, family or significant others of you piece of ass

7 - dont leave your car parked out front of the piece of ass's house or workplace

8 - dont pay for things on credit card

9 - never tell your wife how much you actually earn, always under quote, that way you have some "free" cash to spend

10 - do suggest to your wife to have joint bank accounts, then have your emplyer pay in say 85% of your wage to one ( remember the under quote rule) and 15% to your own private one.

11 - always have an accountant do your taxes, they dont question things like split payments or total gross earnings. ( gotta have some money to spend on the piece of ass)

12 - never buy you piece of ass jewelry.

13 - dont vary your routine at all

14 - when your phone rings always answer the same no matter who is calling. eg " hello john speaking"

15 - when your piece of ass calls and your next to your wife simply say " i cant talk right now, I am with someone, can i call you back"

then to your wife blame the office, to the piece of ass say it was a business client.

mike said...

hi I guess you could say im a cheater. I mean i don't mean to be but my wife of 10 yrs hasn't even touched me in 2 yrs i've cheated on her about 3 times she caught 2 of them one of which was actual sex the other was me trying to cheat. anyway i agree with alot of the rules and to be honest im actually impressed I had considered writing a guide with stories and experience as well as tips and such but also as a way the men and women can better understand all the reasons y us guys cheat and the men can try to understand the hurt and pain that there hormones can cause in an instant. i don't want to list all my extra rules just yet but i would love collborate some things with other guys or perhaps even women on how we can make a good ultimate guide to this very realistic problem that seems to be taking the world by storm and cheating is just growing more and more common. Maybe with the help of the web, we can solve it.