Thursday, July 14, 2005

Famous Last Words

There are a few idiosyncrasies that I have that I thought that I would share with all of you. For one thing, I hate it when someone takes a drink and they let out a huge "Ahhh". I don't know what it is but that irritates the piss out of me. Secondly, people who want to talk to you while you are watching a good movie, or while a good song is on the radio. You literally want to choke the shit out of them immediately. Lastly, I have a thing where I hate to have the last conversation of the day that I have with someone be a awkward one. Let me explain. All of the people that died in my life, whether it be friends, family, or lovers, there was always a "last awkward conversation" that I had with them before they passed on.

My Father: As I have said before, in many of the posts that I have written since I started blogging in September, my relationship with my father wasn't the best. When he was in the hospital, I am ashamed to admit, I didn't see him that often because I thought any "death bed-"you ain't shit" speeches would be damaging to an already fractured individual. I saw him though, but hardly on a one on one basis. That was until one late night when I had the sudden urge to see my father. Actually, I had gone out that night and was actually shit-faced drunk when I decided to see him. When I came into his room his face had lit up like he thought he would never see me again, which made me feel like an asshole. Plus, my father was very observant, so the fact that he didn't notice that I was 2 sheets to the wind was depressing also, because I knew that he was on deaths door. We sat and talked, and for the first time ever I felt that my father wasn't judging me. We talked about sports, the women he slept with when he was stationed in Japan, his time in Long Beach, a whole bunch of shit. If that wasn't strange enough, something stranger happened. We were watching some Denzel movie on cable when he pointed to the screen and said, "You could do that! You could really do that!" "Do what?", I said. He said, "You could really be an actor! You are charismatic, funny, you have my dashing good looks! There is no reason why you couldn't be a movie star!" That was the weirdest shit he ever said to me, since he spent my entire life telling me that I "wasn't going to be shit", now he is giving me career advice? Then the nurse came in, and I grabbed one of his tubes and said, "Nurse, you might have to decrease his morphine drip! This crazy old bastard has lost it!" We all laughed, as I gave the cute nurse one of my nerdly "come hither" looks. My old man said, "Nurse, my son is a fine male specimen, he can go all night long!" That basically ruined my chances with the nurse, since she laughed, probably at the fact that I had to have a dying man set me up with somebody. A stayed a few more hours, but he was nodding in and out of sleep, so I knew I had to go. While I was leaving, astonished that I had a bonding experience with my father that I never had before, I just looked at him while he rested and he looked so peaceful. Right when I was closing the door he awoke and said, "Come back and see me son, you are always welcome. Oh yeah, and I love you! "I love you too pop.", I said as I shut the door. I did go back to see him, but he was usually knocked out while I was there. That was the last conversation that I had with him, and I will always cherish that experience.

Sheila: Sheila was one of the first women I was ever in love with. She was classy, quirky, and had a grace and style about her that is pretty much unparalleled. You know you love somebody when you fall in love with the things that pisses you off about them. I had it bad for Sheila, but there was always a ceiling for that love because she expressed to me, a plethora of times, that she didn't ever want to be married or have kids. I know they exist, but she was the first woman that I ever knew that detested the whole "marriage" thing, or "having kids" thing. But when you are in love the future is irrelevant, the only thing that matters is the present, especially when you are in love. Anyway, she was planning this cross country trip with a few of her girlfriends to California over the summer. I don't claim to be a psychic, Nostradamus, or even Ms. Cleo for that matter, but I had a bad feeling about this trip from the start. I begged her not to go, that I didn't feel good about her trip and that we could "do something else". But I think at the time Sheila brushed it off as male insecurity, she probably figured I thought she would meet someone else in Cali. But that wasn't it at all, I just had bad feelings about it. The day of the trip she said something that left my mouth wide open. This was a woman that hated the word marriage, thought kids were "crumb snatchers", so you can understand my shock when she said, "You are actually the first person that I see having a family with!". Being that she said this while looking deeply into my eyes and gently stroking my face, she was either dead serious or in desperate need of a Oscar nomination. That being said, the ceiling busted open on our relationship , and the sky was the limit. I kissed her goodbye, then I watched her get in the car with three of her friends that I wouldn't trust as far as I could throw them.(They were big girls, so just imagine how relevant that last line was) Three in the morning I was awoken by a phone call by her mother, before she could say anything I knew what had happened. I said, "Don't you fucking say it Ms. Jones! Don't you fucking dare!" The only thing she could muster out of her mouth was, "Yeah. Yeah. It was an accident, she didn't make it." I spent the next few minutes punching holes through doors, damn near breaking my hands, bleeding profusely. To make it worse, her mother sent me a note that Sheila had started writing for me while she was on her trip, proclaiming her everlasting love for me.

Buddy: I have talked about Buddy many times over the past few months, He was a good friend of mine that lost his life to some coward in a club a few months back. Anyway, Buddy was a extremely bright guy but when it came to politics it went in one ear and right out the other. He had the good sense to understand that Bush is a douche-bag, but he didn't want to involve him in any political discussions. I remember one time him having to tell me, "Shut the fuck up" as I went on and on about how black republicans might as well wear black-face. I actually think that he didn't hang with me as much based on how obsessed I was with politics around election time. That being said, you could understand my shock when I got a call from Buddy when he was at a friend of ours party. See, I was invited to a friend's party, but I was home trying to figure out if I was going to a bachelor party instead. Buddy, Calvin, and his sister all told me to come to the party but for some reason that bachelor party was a priority that night. As Buddy was on the phone, urging me to come to join in on the festivities, he started talking about politics. Not only that, he was spouting off facts, figures, and statistics, what had gotten into him?? After we talked for a few minutes he said, "OK I gotta go. You should come through man, old friends together again!" That was the last time I spoke to Buddy at length, because a week later he would be gunned down point blank in some bullshit ghetto club. Also, I am mad at myself that I didn't spend that night with my friends. The mere fact that I chose to spend that night looking at some cheap, dime-store trollop's instead of hanging with my lifelong pals makes me sick to my stomach. Rest in Peace Buddy.

(I talk about Sheila and my father, albeit fictitiously, here.)

37 comments:

Anonymous said...

Even when you are brief, you say some pretty amazing stuff. You have a lifelong fan in Australia!

I am Jack said...

The stuff about Sheila was touching man. How do you go from fighting bouncers to "Lifetime, touching stories" type of shit. You have skill man.

Lboogie said...

My boyfriend and I were just talking about how you've got to make things right with people TODAY because tomorrow is not promised. I read your first post, "Humanity Critic Sees Dead People" and even though it was fictitious, I was touched as I am here yet again. I can definately see how Red flags would go up in your mind after one of these awkward conversations . . .

MEP said...

Oh my God, I almost just cried reading the Sheila story. I still might. That was SO sad. I didn't even read the last one, b/c I wanted to comment. That is the stuff of tear-jerker romance novels. Yep, tearing up.

tristessa said...

I went to visit my best friend about two weeks before she died unexpectedly. She had always given me grief about how I never shared personal stuff and I the whole time I was there I just had this overwhelming urge to tell her everything I had never shared before. The last night I was there, we were out drinking and had the most intense conversation about our lives and how much we cared for each other.

After that experience and regretting not sharing some things with my grandmother before she died, I've learned that you have to listen to that voice and when you have a premonition about something or someone to act on it because you might not get a chance to do it again. Nice entry.

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog for a few weeks now and after reading your most recent post and went back and read your "I see dead people" post...Some of your stuff really makes a person think...anyway, great stuff...Reading our blog is one of the first things I do in the morning when I get to work...Thanks for helping getting my day started.

Amadeo said...

I remember not really "feeling" death until my aunt died...she came to stay with us 3 days beforehand and I remember me and my man having to carry her up stairs. I hated how after she died I remembered all the good things she used to do.

ShellyP said...

I remember just before ending one of the visits with my grandmother I had the urge to pray with her and for her, so I did. I had never felt to do so before. I'm glad I followed my instincts. And then, of course, I told her I loved her. That was the last time I spoke to her.

Belle said...

Good post, H.C.
Sheila gets me every time.

quietbeauty said...

Okay I'm actually in tears great post

Public Frog said...

Damn, man, it's not nice to make a girl cry just before lunch. (Been following your blog for a while now. You can write, mister.)

Brea said...

You are an excellent storyteller. Thanks for sharing.

CaffeineDiva said...

Next time, can you please give a kleenex warning... Sister needs a tissue!
One of the last moments I remember with my grandmother was of her trying to pinch my cheeks. Being that I was 20 yrs old & not 2, I wouldn't let her get a hold of me. After she died, I remember thinking that I should have just let her squeeze away. It's funny the things that go on in your mind while you're grieving.
To this day though, I still don't let folks pinch my cheeks.
Always trust those "something isn't right" instincts. They will save your ass!
Have I told you that you're brilliant lately?

BLESSD1 said...

Man...I've lost a lot of people in my life, and I'll be damned if I haven't had similar conversations with them. My father NEVER missed my nephew's T-ball games, but the day he died, asked me to take him to the game b/c he "wouldn't be able to make it". He had a heart attack an hour later while my nephew had one of his best games ever. HC...you're an awesome writer, and you're getting better w/each post. Keep up the good work

MIZPOWDERPINK said...

It's amazing that somehow each person kinda gave into you..in a way, gave you what you needed before they left. The soul is misterious..thanx for sharing :-)

gonebabygone said...

You are lucky though. I never remember the last conversations I've had with those that I've lost.

Jdid said...

the conversations are touching. i really feel that sheila one.

piranha said...

i even couldn't finish the post. i just burst out into tears reading the sheila one. hell, i even didn't read the other comments. it s so incredible how things go. it s so fucking indecipherable or whatever the right word would be here....

i hope you found peace about that at some point in your life. and i hope you ll find someone to honour her.

piranha

piranha said...

and why not become an actor...the job sucks at times but all in all it s great. if you love it....

totolehero said...

that's it !!! i love you HC!!! come to Montreal and i'll show you the time of your life!!!!!!!!!!

Nikki said...

Moving words, especially the Sheila story.

peachy said...

The story about Sheila was sad.
It hurts to type so I won't write much.

Good post.

Mia said...

Makes you appreciate your time here more! We take it for granted so much. The sheila story really got to me. I hope you find another love like her one day.

Lene said...

loved the story about Sheila and your dad...

cera said...

wow h.c.
the level of emotion that you can make me feel just by reading your posts is unbelievable. you are an incredible talent.

Hypothetically Speaking said...

blown away everytime I come here!

Serenity23 said...

That Sheila post is so sad. I guess that saying "It's better to have loved and lost, than never loved at all," is so true.

SweetB... said...

Just when I think It's not ok to leave a one worded blog comment...Damn

ManNMotion said...

That's pretty cool that you and your dad got to have that conversation HC. A lot of people never get to have it.

Bullet Proof Diva said...

very poignant, HC. Simply amazing how your imagary leaps out in your writing.

SP said...

If I am repeating someone else, don't mind me. I just don't have the time or energy to read all those comments. That said, it is really great that you got to spend that time with your Father. Even though you had a rough relationship, it ended on a very good note. And don't be mad at yourself for not spending that night with Buddy. You can't regret thing you did or didn't do. You'll drive youself crazy.

lindsay-lee said...

You get me EVERY time! Your stories about your loved ones were great. You have lost a good number of people close to you at such a young age. It's great that you remember them with such love. You are incredibly talented and I hope you continue to share with us what is close to your heart.

kozmic_cocoa said...

This entry really touched me. I hate crying and here I was reading this and tearing up.

I'm always afraid that the last thing a person hears from my mouth will be something awful or mean. That's why I always try to end my conversations on a positive note. Good entry bruh'.

coley said...

Ok HC! I'm hella late on this comment! Just got caught up on reading all the blogs! I just wanted to tell you that this was a really touching post! Man, you've been through a lot in your life! I'm sorry that you've lost so many people in your short life, that obviously meant sooooo much to you! I honestly don't know how you're not in a psych ward by now... Keep your head up, as you always do!!

Much love, ~Nichole

Don Tate II said...

I always enjoy a good laugh here. The father comments always bring my blood to a boil, however. I had a sucky dad.

Cynthia said...

Very touching stories

souffle said...

oh my goodness... sheila did get me! dag! *teary eyed* how do you do it!?!