Friday, July 29, 2005

HumanityCritic's time at Bally's

I have a friend named Chris who currently is dating a woman named Pat. I feel bad because when I first met her I used to joke to Chris that she reminded me of the non gender specific character on Saturday Night Live named "Pat", where everyone was always trying to figure out whether "it" was a man or a woman. It didn't help her case that she has a deep voice, a Navy tattoo on her upper arm, and she can beat Chris in a arm wrestling match.(I beat her though, it was a bit of a struggle, I must admit) It got so bad that when we were all out together I would ask to see her birth certificate, or stare at her throat for minutes at a time with Chris watching, Pat not knowing of my immature inside joke about me questioning her gender. Well, because Karma is a bitch, Pat turned out to be cool so all my jokes about her possibly having testicles has left me feeling rather stupid. Pat has taken a liking to me, even trying to hook me up with one of her friends. Unfortunately, through a single night, I found out that this blind date was not only a kleptomaniac(I am missing a couple of CD's), but she is also a stalker and an all around jackass to boot. Pat felt so bad about this so she did the only thing she could think of to make up for it, she gave me a month's pass to Bally's. I thought it was a strange present at first, especially considering that I already have a membership to the YMCA, but at the end of the day I figured that I would at least have something interesting to blog about. Boy was I right. Here is my month's worth of experiences at Bally's. compressed into one day.

The Weight Room: When I first entered the weight room all I could think about is how different it was to the YMCA. At the "Y", you have individuals who you would think would be in there, overweight people trying to shed some pounds to have a healthier life. Not at Bally's, even though there are some overweight people sprinkled here and there, it was mostly people who were there to impress the other douchebags in close proximity. The women looked like they were about to audition as a extra on the "O.C." and shit, and the men, even though they looked like they hadn't taken a healthy shit since 1997, looked like muscular ballet dancers because of the extremely too tight spandex pants they were wearing. Plus, I don't know if any of you are like me, but if the music in a establishment is shitty I can't really function properly. This one time I entered a pool tournament, and I know I played horribly because they blasted country and western music the whole time.(I guess it didn't help matters when I said, "Can you West Virginians stop fucking your sister for one minute, and turn that shit-kicking music off") The first day I couldn't help but notice that people kept staring at me. Was it because they weren't used to a dreadlocked black man being so close to them while they worked out? Was it because my "realness" oozed out of my pours, and that mere fact threatened their silicon and "Hair club for men's" world?(Looking down at shirt) Oh, it was because I was wearing a "I Like Bush: The Pussy not the asshole president" t-shirt, ala the great movie "Harold and Kumar go to White castle". Shit, you red stater's can be so fucking touchy sometimes.

People in the Weightroom: Jerry is a 55 year old man who looks like he should be on the cover of a muscle magazine. The guy has a heart of gold, very nice, and he was willing to show me some work-out techniques that he uses. I told you before, for some reason I am one of those people that individuals feel that they can pour their heart out to. Jerry not only told me that he hadn't had an erection in three years(Too much fucking information), but that his wife left him and took the kids with her. Every time he mentioned his kids he started to tear up and get a lump in his throat, prompting me to give a 55 year old muscle bound freak with spandex so tight you could see the veins in his penis a hug.(I am such a big pussy) He also told me that he is losing his house, and a whole bunch of other depressing shit. It got so bad that I actually told him,"Fuck Jerry, I don't know if I'm working out or watching a goddamned Lifetime movie of the week. But I know I'm not watching a Lifetime movie because I don't see a woman getting her ass beaten." , which made him laugh. Even though I only did the Bally's thing for a while, I really Hope I see Jerry again.

Mark is the walking and talking reason of why I want to get married. He is 42 but he thinks that he is still 22. For one thing all he talked about was his car and his ability to pick up women. When we were spotting each other I thought I was just going to sit back and observe him, but when he pulled that "You are pretty cool for a black guy" shit I decided to fuck with him. When he would talk for minutes at a time about women and all the sex he has I said, "You know Mark, the only type of guys who talk about women as much as you do are either guys who aren't getting it, or gays guys who are closeted, which one are you??" He quickly said, "I feel the same way, guys lie all the time bro." This stupid motherfucker wasn't even aware that I was insulting him, lets try this again. Later when he was talking about his car's big engine, his big house, and his "monster" big screen TV I said, "You know when guys obsess with big things they are either trying to overcompensate for a low I.Q., or an incredibly small penis." He laughed and said, "Yeah, that is so true." Fuck, I would love to think he was being sarcastic and choosing not to address my insults, but he actually wasn't getting it. I walked away to go upstairs to the aerobics room.

Aerobics Room: I started off on the wrong foot with the aerobics instructor before I even set foot inside Bally's. You see, when I was walking from my car to the building, a beautiful black woman passed me with roller skates on and wearing extremely tiny shorts. I meant to only THINK this but I actually said, "I haven't gotten an erection from seeing a black girl wearing roller skates since seeing Tootie from "Facts of Life" and shit." She turned around and gave me a "You're such an asshole" look, a glance that I am all but too familiar with. Anyway, that ebony goddess that invokes mass erections happened to be my aerobics instructor that day. As soon as she saw me she gave me an evil smile which scared the shit out of me. We were doing that Slide aerobic thing, which I thought was so easy I actually said, "I am going to tear this shit up!!" Ten minutes later, the only thing I was tearing up was my will to live, as I was breathing heavier than Bill O'Reilly on the phone with a staff member. She actually came around to me, whispered in my ear and said, "You aren't so smart now!! What's wrong pussy!? Work! Work!" I should have been embarrassed, but her putting me down actually got me excited and motivated to give it all I had.(Hope that doesn't lead to me getting a dominatrix and being her leather clad man servant.) Minutes later that was over, let me run a few laps on the track.

The Track: Let me start by saying the track smelled like a combination of a Bum's nutsack and old cheese left out on 100 degree weather. I started off jogging at first, until this 80 year old man named Abe passed me and gave me a "You are a pathetic black bastard" look on his face. I am a competitor, fuck that, so I pushed passed people to beat this elderly fuck. I caught up to him, smiled, and raced passed him like I was Carl Lewis in his prime.(Minus the Jheri curl, bad national anthem singing, and ultra feminine ways) I felt good, "I used to run track motherfucker"(albeit 1991) I thought as I kept laping the old man. After I laped him a few times I caught a leg cramp that dropped like a sack of potatoes. I limped to the side and rubbed my leg to see if I could work the cramp out, then I see the old man passing my lifeless body, waiving at me like he is in a parade. To add insult to injury, each time he passed me he would say shit like "Get your ass up son", "You're still down?", or my personal favorite, "I never knew a vagina could have dreadlocks." I screamed, "Just because you wear a adult diaper doesn't mean I won't whip your ass old man!!" Let me take my wounded ass to the Pool.

The Pool: I go to the locker room and I feel like I'm in High School all over again. I never understood how some men feel comfortable walking around you, even having conversations with you while they are butt naked. I changed into my swimming trunks and this man named Brad approaches me, naked to the world, and says, "Did you happen to see who won the Yankees game??" I swear, to be naked he was standing entirely too close to me. I quickly said, "They won. 4 to 2.(Pointing my finger) Go that way!!!" He comes closer and says, "What's the matter?" I said, "Man, if you don't carry your ass. Beat it! Scram! Get the Fuck on! Or like my uncle in South Carolina says, "Go'ne nah!!"(Which is actually "go on now", just country-fied) He looked confused and walked away. I went to the pool, considered swimming, but a few factors halted my progress. 1. Chlorine would absolutely do major damage to my locks.(I think) 2:Even though I look uber sexy in my snoopy swimming trunks, I shouldn't over exert myself in one day. 3. I had a sudden germaphobe moment, and just evisioned all the dirty bastards who are currently swimming and probably pissing in this pool as we speak. So I grabbed my towel, went back in the locker room and tried to avoid "let me talk to you naked while my penis is pointed in your direction" Brad, grabbed my shit and said to myself "let me get my black ass out of Bally's!"

47 comments:

gapeach said...

Lurker here and u are funny as hell. Been reading u for about a month now and u never fail to suprise me...oooh and I am the 1st to comment..yeah!!!

Running2Ks said...

Give the veins in the penis a hug.

With lines like that, you should be a poet.

Anyway, I hated Bally's. And quitting the gym made me feel fatter than going there. They make you sign your life away to join, and then you spend the whole time trying to find a way to get in shape just to GO there :)

Amadeo said...

I'll take lifting in my man's basement and running in the park...I mean gay people call it "Gay Church".

ManNMotion said...

LOL sounds like you need another month pass. Work! Work!

CuteColumbiaChic said...

Good thing it was a free 30 day gift because you know that gyms are just a scam. They know your aren't going to work out but for the first 30 days and then forget about it. Then you're stuck paying for it for the next 2 years. Just think about looking at that naked guy for two years.

melette said...

ROFL!! This was classic.

Msnhim said...

You are to funny!!!! I visit your site daily and Im never let down. Thanks for the daily laugh.

dParker2.0 said...

Yet another hilarious post!

They should just change the name of Bally's to the "Meet Market", because that's what most of the regulars are there for anyway.

Everyone I know who works out in a club always tells stories of getting nervous about going, as if they'll be doing an audition, or giving a presentation or something. "I have to go shopping... I don't have anything decent to work out in..." Since when did people have to have a "workout wardrobe"?

BlueAngel said...

*I can't breeve!*

HC...you're a mess, but I get what you're saying. I joined a gym over a year ago...I had the same thoughts you did. Eventhough I've lost a lot of weigh...I still get self conscious about all the vein popping and the women with deep voices who can lift 20lb barbells. (I can only lift 8lbs without a struggle)

Nikki said...

HC, you are a riot!!

Bre said...

LOL!!! I was once a member of Bally's too on a "FREE TRIAL MEMBERSHIP" Yea right!! They tried to milk me like a prized cow! I hated it there. They're crooks...skinny, in shape crooks! I must say though...I did enjoy the bike class. That was a rush.

Maglet said...

Always funny! Vagina with dredlocks... very nice. Hahaha!

MissHarwood said...

lol!
sounds like u had a workout then! it always happens to someone!

Butta said...

Bwah ha ha! Bally's is the absolute worst and your experiences there prove it.

Grace said...

Someone once told me they hated Bally's because it's an Elitist Cash Grabbing Fashion Show. I guess it's not just that one Bally's.

Sassy said...

FUCK BALLY'S!!!! I HATE THEM!!!

Tazzee said...

I should have known something was wrong with Bally's when my roommate used to make sure she put on her make up BEFORE going.

I think I visited one day and knew it wasn't for me. Now I have a gym in my basement.

Brother OMi said...

"This stupid motherfucker wasn't even aware that I was insulting him, lets try this again." ha ha ha you a nut man...

piranha said...

great post. our college gave each one of us a one year pass to the gym here and I felt so bad but I only used it approx. five times. I am just not the person for it....but sauna was cool.

did you recognize that women who go regularly to the gym have all the VERY SAME BUTT for some reason? it s hilariously funny one you find out and then can sit and watch people and can tell who goes to the gym regularly.

NewYorkMoments said...

This is a classic blog!

mellancollyeyes said...

bally's is awful! i had a month trial, too, and the contrast between the Y and Bally's is EXACTLY like you said! Who wants to work out and feel like they are competeing?

this was hilarious!

i think bally's should post it on their website!

coley said...

GOOD LAWD HC!!!! YOU GOT ME CRYIN LAUGHING OVER HERE.... Of course I'm at work, and my Supervisor keeps asking me what's wrong with me, what am I readin... And finally just gave up and started laughing at me lauging at you...! Wheeewww that was funny! Thanks for the laugs, as always!

coley said...

oops, that's supposed to say LAUGHS!!!!

*sending you an email, go check it :~)

courtneyelizabeth said...

YAY FOR BALLYS! :)

Don Tate II said...

"I like Bush: The....

too funny.

josie said...

hey, sounds like you had fun. how weight you lose?

Ms. World said...

Fabulous post as usual!

Maria Liana de la Costa Zamora said...

Haha! too funny for words... I think Bally's should now be the setting for a new comic. Or one of those Shopaholic-like books.

**RPM** said...

You did not, not not not...say that to the old man lapping you on the track. You did NOT.

Jdid said...

so true about those big gyms

Dayrell said...

HC, this is hilarious as heck man! I've been going to the gym myself...and having some umm?...crazy experiences to, I guess you can say. Nice post man. Man me laugh. =)

notyouraverage.... said...

"I never knew a vagina could have dreadlocks."

that old man, did not say that to you! laughing the fcuk out old - hilarious!

Sparkling said...

Your best post yet!
Especially your description of Mark... What's the fun in insulting people if they don't get it.

Adam E. Robinson said...

Thanks to your post, I will never in my life step foot in a Bally's. OK, well, maybe I will, but only for the writing material. Anyway, I really rather enjoyed this post - sister-fucking West Virginians comment notwithstanding... Thanks for stopping by my blog, by the way. I'll definitely be adding this site to my blogroll.

Strumpet said...

Roller skates are mad sexy.

Dominatrices even more so.

Firecalla said...

LOL!!!! You just resulted in the biggest laugh of my day! Well, not you...you know...your writings. You are hilarious!

Toshiko said...

LMAOOOO

My boyfriend was telling me about a couple of "Brad's" at his gym... I was dyin! LOL

Breez said...

Entirely too funny. I could never comprehend naked gym convos with strangers either. *shudder*

Young'un said...

Just passing through. You're funny. Congradulations, you've persuaded thousands of fat fucks to never ever join Bally's. LMAO

Rachel said...

Nice blog, man. I'll link you on mine.

tony g said...

Hey!

Thanks for passing through. You ARE funny, and i'm gonna blogroll you so i can come back for more . . .

tg

chele said...

...that is every gym in my city..
Any city, southern california, usa...

solitaire said...

We have something similar up here called Goodlife (well come to think of it, this ain't Nigeria, we have Bally's as well, SHIMZ).

I had a membership to Goodlife but didn't go often...DANG. Good thing I had a discounted membership or I would have kicked myself for not going.

It was horrific...the men were larger than life and the women were skinny asses with flat stomachs. It's a competitive environment and I hated it.

I bought myself some exercise equipment, some Pilates DVDs and decided to work out at home. HOLLA. That worked out for moi!

p.s. If you swim in chlorine waters frequently, then yes, it will damage the locs. Anyone with Black hair, for that matter.

STYLE+GRACE said...

bally's is hilarious...i too frequent my local bally's and it is a experience within it self...part that trips me out is when i go and the retirees (men and women)are there with their biker shorts on with their lil fanny packs and their raquetball equipment...lil old ladies exercising with bad makeup...pisses me off when i see people exercising in their jeans??

and y does the person that gets on the treadmill next to you always want to compete with u r pace?? wth is that about??(ugh) do your own workout...my results wont show up on your body...idiots.

lol @ the guy with the lifetime movie drama.

Brando said...

Holy shit, that was funny. I used to belong to a Bally's and it was like a flashback.

msjaim said...

I still go to Ballys, i always trip on the chicks who put make up on b4 the work out.. duppys... The one I used to go to most was the "geigh" location in chicago( I later found this out).. There was this one brother, coincidentally w/ locs, who would wear the tightest, shortest damn stretch pum pum shorts where U could see his twig & berries moving all willy nilly, then this sucka would have the nerve to wear a sleeve less t w/ a rip right over his man boob... Thanks for triggering that memory (lmbo)...bum nutsack..rotfl...uuuuuugh!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I think it's even worse in the women's locker room?

Each visit to my gym I am confronted with totally naked women who strike up conversations with me. And then there are the women who blow-dry their hair and apply their makeup totally nude in front of the mirror.

The most embarrassing time for me though was when my daughter's teacher had about a half hour long conversation with me while she was completely naked in the locker room.

Amanda